My neighbour is showing all the signs of being a PITA

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

All v minor at the moment but a faint alarm bell is starting to ring and I wonder if IABU.

Moved house in January (detached house but in a busy, built up bit of London). This neighbour lives next door. Came to introduce herself and told us that she’d lived here for 20 years and that it was a very peaceful area <hard stare>. Peaceful. Just kept reiterating it. It isn’t a particularly peaceful area (we moved from two minutes away), but I got the message. We were about to start building works but I apologised for any noise and explained we’d do our best to minimise disruption.

At some point she seemed to think we were away (we weren’t, our car was) and started parking across our garage. After the second day of this I left a note on the car - “Hey neighbour, please don’t block our garage - we need access for our works. Thanks!”

The blocking stops, but she started to park so close to the garage that it’s practically quite difficult to use. I don’t say anything.

A month passes. She knocks on our door and says, “You know that note you left on my car? Well your builder is blocking me in” and points to a van that I’ve never seen before. I explain that our builder has a van with his logo all over it and I have no idea whose van that is but it isn’t ours/our trademens’. She glares at me for a few minutes while I talk and then stomps off, no apology. She stops parking badly though.

Today she knocked again. Our builder threw a dismantled shed away, and in doing so revealed a missing fence panel between our houses. She’s not happy and wants it replaced. (To be clear our builder didn’t detach anything- the bit of shed wall had just hidden the missing bit of fence from our side, but would always have been obvious to her.) I agreed without thinking too much - the builder is here anyway and it’s two minutes’ work, plus she is, above stuff aside, putting up with about four months and counting of hammering, drilling etc and I don’t want to be petty.

But now I’m thinking about this and getting a bit grumpy. It’s her fence afaics (as in, she has the face of it). The missing panel isn’t my problem. And I’m getting pain the ass vibes.

Wwyd? I’m minded to swallow this but then be rather less accommodating with whatever the next thing is.

I know this is a bit mean, but she sounds like a 'one upmanship' devotee.
I would tell her that 'Oh, of course we can afford to cover your missing fence panel for you. Do let me know if you're struggling with any other jobs. It really is a difficult time for some, isn't it?'
I'm fairly sure she'll stop being a twat, if she thinks you pity her. They can't stand being pitied.

@MasterBeth and @sunglassesonthetable thanks for pointing out my typo when I meant here on; and also I never suggested sending a note.

not sure who sounds like a prick now-but it’s not me…

The only one sounding like a prick is you tbf @MasterBeth

It's not going to cost that much to do a single fence panel. It will be a mere drop compared to the cost of your renovations too. I'd just get the builders to do it and add the cost.

We had something similar when we moved in. We decided for the sake of good relations to pay what was a very small amount of money. It was more than worth it. We rub along just fine now, while the previous owners had an awful relationship with them (as confirmed by numerous other neighbours and the previous owners themselves!)

3 kids under 5. 4 months of building work. I'd be replacing the fence panel and buying her a bottle of wine.

Fix the fence. Find out and talk about whose problem it is to maintain later.
Bake her a cake every now and again or give her a meal vouchure at the local Pub occasionally because the relationship is worth keeping sweet. It lasts the length of your home ownership and you do appreciate the way she has to put up with your building works.

That’s your fence though - you’re meant to give your neighbour the ‘pretty side’ and that’s the back of the fence/non-pretty side, assuming this photo is taken from your garden? You said she has ‘the face of it’, so that suggests the fence is yours. That’s the standard around here at least (London outskirts).

Have you explained how long the building work will be for? As a courtesy?Perhaps knowing when its likely to be over will put her mind at rest.

Agree. I had this previously and low energy was the answer.

Fix the fence because you agreed. (It's £100 or something)

After that super low energy.
Dont say hi dont say good morning, dont smile, dont get involved.

If she wants to complain about things let her crack on but give nothing / little back. Dont answer the door. Ignore any notes. (Or post back with a short comment "not our buolder blocking you!"

If she wants to complain about the kids playing or whatever ask what time it was. When she says 2pm laugh and say thank goodness i thought it was at some crazy time of the day not just normal daytime noise.... anyway must be going i have food cooking...

Check whose fence it is on the deeds, if it's yours (you normally give you neighbour the nice side for some unknown reason) then replace it and forget about it. If it is hers on the deeds then you have 3 options.

1. say no it's your fence and deal with the bitter neighbour and face starring in the nightmare neighbour next door show
2. just replace it for sale of peace
3. explain to her you have checked the deeds and it's her fence but as a gesture of goodwill you will go halves with her in having it replaced.

You just need to decide which is best for you and your long term relationship with this woman. If it was her fence I would def be making her aware whichever choose you choose so she knows it's hers for future repairs

Please can people stop repeating this - it isn't true and OP needs to look at her deeds to see who is responsible for the fence.

We had a new fence recently and our fencer gave us the "nice" side without even discussing it with us. We had no idea there was a tradition of not doing that until our neighbour complained. When I googled it I found that this is just a polite way of doing things (giving your neighbour the nice side) and is by no means a hard and fast rule. Basically, whoever pays for the fence can decide which way round to put it. @TheWayTheLightFalls needs to check her deeds if she wants to know who owns the fence for future reference.

Though in this instance I would just be replacing it as a good will gesture, if the neighbour technically owns the fence, I would be making them aware of it.

Get a new panel on. Then just keep your distance. Be friendly but distant.

Yeah, I agree, swallow this one but then back off.

i personally wouldn’t stoop to her pettiness levels and would kindly (because of the builders noise) add a fence panel. You’ve got to choose your battles and this one is not worth the future years of pedanticness (or even illegal activity) which could follow.

I would also host a cake and coffee thing one weekend, inviting all neighbours over, including her. You might find all the neighbours have difficulty with her and advice or she’s going through a difficult time which is effecting her mental health or she’s the reason your sellers left.

Check the deeds so you know whose fence it is.

I would ask your builder to fix it.

I would be decidedly chilly going forward and keep any interaction to a frosty minimum.

She is a PITA and friendly politeness will be seen as weakness.

Ditch it,

Be extremely short, dismissive and disinterested in engaging with her.

Anything else will give her oxygen.

Be glad you are detached.

In your place a video bell would be going up tomorrow.

It's one closeboard /feather edge panel. About £2

She is a fussy fucker though but can see her point as now shows a gap as you have removed shed

Ditto

I was imagining a big gap but the photo shows it's just one panel. For the sake of good neighbourly relations get your builder to fix it; it's minimal expense and effort for you really. Yes, she seems to be picking fights but maybe when your building work is over she'll be less rattled and more amenable? Whilst you need to stand your ground on some things it's not worth the hassle of falling out with her.

So it's one strip of wood? But you will need to access her side to fix it?

She wants attention and engagement from you and the only way she can get it is by being a PITA. Think disruptive five year old. I'd make a note of the time and date of everything she does and how you responded, just in case.

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Thanks all. Builder has done it now (actually two panels - I presume he found a second one loose nearby, no idea. He’s very diligent.

Have you explained how long the building work will be for? As a courtesy?Perhaps knowing when its likely to be over will put her mind at rest.

We have, to all the neighbours around. Everyone else is (much) friendlier and more good humoured and actually very sympathetic to me about living through it. Also - and I speak as someone literally living in the house as the works are going on - we’re not digging out a basement or plonking an extension on. It’s not four months non-stop of drilling and hammering and heavy equipment; there are very long periods of quieter work that wouldn’t disturb anyone, even if we weren’t detached (flooring, painting, tiling, plumbing).

She may pipe up again, but I suppose I’ll just remember to be on my guard rather than assume that she’s acting reasonably. And, yes, I have three young kids and they do sometimes play in the garden with friends or with each other, tantrum over shoes while leaving the house, sing the blinking Matilda soundtrack while walking up the road to school. We’re considerate people and I don’t think we’re especially loud or thoughtless about the people around us.

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But I'd make sure that she understands its actually HER fence

How long has your building works been going on? You said you moved in January and were about to start building, and then yesterday you were still at it - so 6 months? That's a bigger PITA than someone being mildly petty 3 or 4 times!