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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Old newborn/baby stuff. Who is BU? Me or DH?

102 replies

Redwatermelon · 14/07/2023 08:23

Before getting married DH always said he would have loved to have 4 kids. I always liked the idea of having 3 DCs so we were sort of compatible from that POV.

Few years later…after having 2 DC, DH said he was done. He is finding being a parent super hard and he is absolutely against having other kids.

I would love to have a 3rd child but both parents have to be 100% on board…so I am slowly wrapping my head around the idea that this is it. I am working on it.

Anyway, my DH keeps reminding me (like once a week) that we have to sell/donate/get rid of the old newborn/baby stuff because we are not going to use them anymore.
Our youngest kid is almost 2 years old.

Please note, we have no issues with storage space. Everything is nicely packed and tucked away in the basement.

I said to him I am not ready to see it all go. I need more time to process and I need to do it when I am mentally ready.

He said this is absurd and that they are only things. That it is even counterproductive to have them around if I feel so torn about this whole topic.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Farcis · 14/07/2023 08:26

If there’s no issue with storage, he’s just saying it to make a point. Ignore it and move on.

kaerl · 14/07/2023 08:29

I agree with him that having them there keeps alive the possibility of actually using them at some point. Getting rid of them will help you draw a line under the matter and move on.

Squiblet · 14/07/2023 08:34

Yanbu. He's being inconsiderate. Probably because he wants to cement his position in the event that you confront him and say, actually, I would quite like another child. "But darling how could we , we got rid of the baby stuff! Therefore it's physically impossible for me to back down. Sorry not sorry."

FWIW I found it much easier to clear out baby stuff once the school years were well underway and you're into a completely new phase of parenthood.

Lacucuracha · 14/07/2023 08:41

YANBU. You have acknowledged that he doesn’t want more kids, that is enough.

He can’t force you to give things away.

Out of interest, how are you managing contraception? I hope he is using condoms or has had the snip?

Sweettoothgirl · 14/07/2023 08:44

Well I don’t think you need to rush to take them out of storage but I do believe your partner is only making you get rid of them to make a point that there will definitely not be another child.

Perhaps when you feel ready you could keep a box of your favourite items and donate or sell the rest. I do know many people who have a box with a few of their favourite clothing items they put on their children and a couple of toys, something to look back on in years to come.

Your DH is not unreasonable for deciding 2 children is enough for him, but I think he is being unreasonable to rush getting rid of everything, especially if there is space.

The only thing I will add, is if the situation is a bit deeper than him just wanting to get rid of the baby stuff. Is the possibility of a third child brought up quite a lot in convo? Is there a reason he keeps bringing up getting rid of the clothing, is he feeling a bit of pressure to have another child? Thats all I can think of.

AllotmentTime · 14/07/2023 08:49

Neither of you are BU. He’s probably very worried that you’re not coming to terms with this and you’re going to make another play for DC3. Or worse that he’s worried you’re going to surprise him with a pregnancy. You on the other hand understandably need time to process.

I would sit down with him and explain that you’re in no way contemplating a child with someone who’s not 100% on board (because you wouldn’t do that, right??) but that at the same time it’s emotional for a lot of mothers to give away the baby things, even when they know they’re done having children. Because it is!

If he’s struggling with parenting, he might also feel it would be cathartic for him to get rid of stuff. So what for you is “awww I can’t believe we’re done with the cute baby gro stage” is for him “omg thank god we’re done with the awful nappies stage”. Talk to him. Neither of you sounds wrong here.

Tinkerbyebye · 14/07/2023 08:50

It’s not causing any harm being packed away. He just wants it gone as he thinks he is done and that’s all that matters. However you are, in a way grieving, and he needs to understand how his decision has made you feel

so I would be having that conversation, tell him it will go when you are ready and if he mentions it again he’s a selfish prick for not understanding how devastating his decision is on you

xK1991x · 14/07/2023 08:50

‘As soon as you get the snip, we will sell the baby clothes’ … my answer would be every time its mentioned

P1ckledonionz · 14/07/2023 08:53

Why should you move at his pace?

Why won't he let you go at your own pace?

He said this is absurd and that they are only things. That it is even counterproductive to have them around if I feel so torn about this whole topic.

What a put-down! He's minimising your feelings and telling you that you are doing you're own feelings in the wrong way...
He needs to get the memo that he's not the judge or boss of other people's feelings.

This comes across as very, very bossy.

And he sounds like he needs to focus on managing his own feelings, clearly he has some of his own to process if he feels the need to control yours.

If 1,000 people want to peocess their emotions in the same way it doesn't make 1 person wrong for needing to process their emotions in a different way. As long as no one is being harmed, he need to grow up and let you crack on.

Original poster

Redwatermelon · 14/07/2023 08:53

Temporarily we are using condoms but I will have a coil fitted after summer.

I know he is very set in no more kids so I am not pushing the topic of a 3rd child. Both parents have to be 100% sure so this is kind of closing the chapter - unless he is ready to open it again in few years, but it would have to come from him.

During the years i have lent many things to my friend, but these handmedowns always came back. I will happily lend them again as needed. I am just not ready to sell or donate completely.

OP posts:

Sweettoothgirl · 14/07/2023 08:56

@Redwatermelon You are being totally reasonable wanting to hang on to them for a bit longer. My baby is only a few months old but I cried packing her newborn and 0-3 bits away. DH on the other hand didn’t find it emotional at all.

Sit down with him and tell him you understand he doesn’t want another child but you’re not ready to let go of these bits yet.

To be honest with you, im sure even for mums that do not want another child it can be hard to get rid of babies things? So don’t feel bad

LobsterCrab · 14/07/2023 08:57

Neither of you are being unreasonable. This isn't a right / wrong situation, you just have different opinions and I can see both sides of the argument. Can you reach a compromise and let him get rid of some stuff but not the bits that mean a lot to you?

elliejjtiny · 14/07/2023 08:57

Yanbu. The decision to stop having babies was a mutual one between me and dh but I still felt sad at the idea of getting rid of the baby stuff. We got rid of the big and awkward things like the cot, buggy etc when we had finished using them but I think my youngest was 8 when we got the boxes of baby clothes down from the loft and gave most of them away. I've kept a little box with their first outfits, christening outfits etc. Dc's teddy bear is now wearing a baby grow that wasn't worn at a significant event but was always one of my favourites. Like a PP said it's much easier to get rid of things when you haven't needed them for years than when they first grow out of them.

ShadowPuppets · 14/07/2023 09:02

YANBU. We originally said 3 DC. After DC1, DH said he thought he'd be done at two. I said let's see what happens after DC2.

We've had a very hard year since DC2 was born and until about 3 months ago I was still sort of hoping we might go for a third. DH still very clear that he was done. I thought, let's wait and see how he feels in 3 years, I'll get a coil and park the conversation until then...

Anyway, I've recently had a diagnosis that means that any more kids are now off the table due to medication that I'll need to take. So I've reluctantly agreed with DH that we are two and done.

However... DC2 is just over a year. DC1 isn't three yet. I don't feel ready to get rid of the baby gear. It's not to do with hoping for another child as my diagnosis has made it very clear to me that we're done. But there's more to it than practicality - it's about that period of my life being over. Thankfully my DH gets it and he's happy for us to get rid as and when we feel ready. I think to your DH it's that it's just 'stuff' and he's worried about you still contemplating a third, whereas to you it's not the third so much as the sentiment and memories and what the clothes represent.

Neither of you is in the wrong but as PPs have suggested I think you need to sit him down and really explain that as otherwise I can see why it worries him that you're still clinging on to them.

Quartz2208 · 14/07/2023 09:04

I would say to him that you respect and accept his decision but he needs to stop asking and you will sell them when you are ready.

Beseen22 · 14/07/2023 09:23

Tough one. I'm in similar situation and we just don't really speak about it. Tried a long time to get 2 kids and even longer for 3rd, timing would have been perfect but I had a miscarriage at 11weeks. He's happy with his lot and I am too but not ready to close the door and say all done. I think getting rid of the stuff and getting a coil would give me some closure so tempted to just do it. We are happily in the school/nursery phase and life is busy but getting easier as they get more independent but its just so hard to say goodbye to the option when your family size isn't determined by choice.

Peony654 · 14/07/2023 09:28

I'm actually with him. It's just stuff and it shows you are not really OK with the decision which must worry him.

Jeraniums · 14/07/2023 09:43

xK1991x · 14/07/2023 08:50

‘As soon as you get the snip, we will sell the baby clothes’ … my answer would be every time its mentioned

This. Let him get a horrible procedure done rather than you, particularly as he is so adamant.

He is wanting a line drawn under it all. He wants the stuff gone. It still being there feel to him the line isn't drawn.

You are still processing a big decision made by someone else that you're willing to accept. You're still processing someone else's decision. He is being an arse if he doesn't go and get the snip.

VivaVivaa · 14/07/2023 09:47

Slight aside, but I hope you are getting the coil fitted because it is what you want, as opposed to facilitate his reproductive choices. Tell him to get the snip otherwise.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2023 09:49

Temporarily we are using condoms but I will have a coil fitted after summer.

I'd be telling him that as soon as he has a vasectomy, the baby things can go. Why should you have to deal with contraception?

Retrain12345 · 14/07/2023 09:52

I sold or donated all of my baby stuff after DC2. I felt much better after it was gone, like it was clear I was done with that stage.

Anyway, a few weeks later I find out I am unexpectedly pregnant with DC3 and had to buy it all back again. If your husband is sure make him get the snip before you commit!

Blumber · 14/07/2023 10:05

Peony654 · 14/07/2023 09:28

I'm actually with him. It's just stuff and it shows you are not really OK with the decision which must worry him.

But she isn't OK with it. She will be, but right now she isn't.

35965a · 14/07/2023 10:08

He’s being weird about it. I am the one in my relationship who is 100% adamant we won’t have any more dc (husband fully on board!) and I still haven’t got rid of all baby stuff yet. It’s my stuff and I am just not ready. I’ll be ready to get rid one day, but I would be less than impressed if my husband kept bringing it up.

35965a · 14/07/2023 10:08

VivaVivaa · 14/07/2023 09:47

Slight aside, but I hope you are getting the coil fitted because it is what you want, as opposed to facilitate his reproductive choices. Tell him to get the snip otherwise.

Agree ^

HoppingPavlova · 14/07/2023 10:22

You are both right in different ways. Clinging on to the stuff unnecessarily will help no one. When it’s gone it’s final and freeing. I had no desire to have more but didn’t get rid of the stuff until a few years later just due to being too busy to achieve it and it was stored out of the way. When I did get to it, I felt so free though, hard to explain.

I did keep one clothing item that was special, one wrap that had a special meaning, a very expensive cot blanket that was a special gift. I think that helps, keeping something but making sure it is only 1 or 2 items with special meaning. Subsequently, I have kept toddler bed blankets that each child had (the same one that all loved and I got new for each child when they got out of a cot). They have all refused that I ditch these - even though I would LOVE to - and they use them as lounge/leg blankets in winter. When each leaves home I will ensure their toddler blanket goes with them as I don’t want them 😁. The problem is going to be who ends up with the special cot blanket …….. first one to have a baby I guess?

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