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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Old newborn/baby stuff. Who is BU? Me or DH?

102 replies

Redwatermelon · 14/07/2023 08:23

Before getting married DH always said he would have loved to have 4 kids. I always liked the idea of having 3 DCs so we were sort of compatible from that POV.

Few years later…after having 2 DC, DH said he was done. He is finding being a parent super hard and he is absolutely against having other kids.

I would love to have a 3rd child but both parents have to be 100% on board…so I am slowly wrapping my head around the idea that this is it. I am working on it.

Anyway, my DH keeps reminding me (like once a week) that we have to sell/donate/get rid of the old newborn/baby stuff because we are not going to use them anymore.
Our youngest kid is almost 2 years old.

Please note, we have no issues with storage space. Everything is nicely packed and tucked away in the basement.

I said to him I am not ready to see it all go. I need more time to process and I need to do it when I am mentally ready.

He said this is absurd and that they are only things. That it is even counterproductive to have them around if I feel so torn about this whole topic.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Mirandathepandaisontheverandah · 14/07/2023 10:33

Bringing it up weekly feels a bit OTT but nobody is inherently unreasonable here.

If you have a baby bank near you, we found it quite pleasing donating all our old bits knowing they'd be user again.

zooopta · 14/07/2023 14:47

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2023 09:49

Temporarily we are using condoms but I will have a coil fitted after summer.

I'd be telling him that as soon as he has a vasectomy, the baby things can go. Why should you have to deal with contraception?

Yes I was going to say this too

PonkyPonky · 14/07/2023 21:32

He needs to be more understanding that it’s going to take time for you to accept this. But for what it’s worth, I personally did find it very helpful to get rid of all the baby stuff when we realised we could not afford another child. I longed for another baby but I had to accept that it could not happen so I got rid of the stuff and it was closure. I imagine your DH is thinking you need that closure and not considering that may not be the best way for you to get it.

fyn · 14/07/2023 21:35

We were the same in wanting four children, now we have two DH doesn’t way anymore although one is 7 months and the other 3 so I the thick of it at the moment! We have come to the comprise that I am keeping two boxes of my absolute favourite clothes and toys and we will revisit when the youngest as at nursery to see if he has different thoughts on the matter. I’ll only be 33 so should be time theoretically!

I’ve enjoyed seeing the rest go to be honest as we didn’t have the room, if we have a third then I’ll enjoy buying new clothes for them too.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 14/07/2023 21:36

I was done in 1995 in 2017 my youngest arrived I was relieved I had never gotten around to donating the baby stuff 🤣🤣

Abbyant · 14/07/2023 21:54

I’m actually in a similar situation except it’s me that doesn’t want a third child and my partner does, in terms of baby stuff we’ve kept them all with the idea that if my sister or a close friend has a baby we can save them a small fortune. So is that something you could consider too, if you’ve got family or friends that are yet to have children.

PEARLJAM123 · 14/07/2023 22:07

I wanted 4 children my husband wanted 2. We had 3. I also found it hard to get rid of baby things but as a previous poster said, it's easier when they are at school and you are in a different phase of parenting. It gets easier to accept over time.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 14/07/2023 22:09

I know it might not be a popular point of view, but I was in a similar situation. When we got married my now ex wanted more children than I did, but changed his mind. I honestly wish that I’d left when he decided that he was “done” because I wanted another baby so badly.
I agree that both of you need to be on the same page, but it’s very hard to let go of that dream because your partner changed their mind. I suggest that you go to couples counselling, if you’re struggling with it.

Mummytotheboy · 14/07/2023 22:09

Don't know if it's already been suggested but why don't you go through the clothes together, pick an outfit from each child to keep to show them when they are older then with a few more pieces have some memory bears made. I kept a few things from when my son was born, mainly personalised stuff. I wish I kept his first set of sleepsuits and had a bear made but I gave them to the Ukraine appeal as the war had just started as he grew out of them and I was still emotional from the hormones! Speaking from experience the longer you hold on to things the harder it is to let go. I lost my mum nearly a year ago. I have all her collectable china that I don't want or need. It's not taking up space but the longer it sits there the harder it is to deal with

AnotherCleftMum · 14/07/2023 22:21

@HoppingPavlova Special cot blanket stays at Grandma's and all grandchildren can use it there. Then it's a fun bonding for all cousins.

Ghosttofu99 · 14/07/2023 22:45

My mum put our better baby clothes in a trunk and kept them for when we had kids. She passed away before my DD was born but I can’t tell you what a comfort it is to see my DD wearing some of my old clothes that would have meant a lot to my DM as she loved babies!

(I don’t think you need to give away anything you don’t want to but) You could put away some of the most memorable stuff in a special box for your DCs and feel they are going to a good home in the future whist keeping DH off your back.

I think it’s lovely when people share hand me downs. DD also wears her cousins clothes and my friends DDs clothes and I think that makes them happy on some level to see another baby using them but probably my DH feels similar to yours and isn’t very impressed when people give us clothes. (saves a fortune though and they always come in useful)

Not saying it’s purely a woman thing but just through observation, having some physical thing belonging to our children seems to mean more to mums.

Emmamoo89 · 14/07/2023 22:55

Yanbu x

GreenDancingKitten · 14/07/2023 23:20

My mum passed away nearly 5 years ago, I’ve still got a lot of boxes of her stuff in my loft. Really I do need to sort through them, and say goodbye to most of it and I’ve only really felt “ready” quite recently. I haven’t been in denial all this time, but there’s a difference between acceptance of the situation and being ready to let go of the physical associations.

I see this as similar and would try to explain to him calmly, you aren’t ready to let go of the memories, you’re finding it hard to accept you’re done with babies. The baby clothes etc aren’t there for baby number 3, they’re a memory of an important stage of your life that’s hard to let go of. That doesn’t mean he should feel threatened or try to rush your feelings.

By the same token, I’d guess his very frequent reminders (about something that’s out of sight), suggests he’s feeling a lot of anxiety that you’ll be pushing for baby number 3 or he’s linking it to trauma around his struggles with parenthood, in which case he’s as anxious to let go as you are to hold on. Lay it all on the table and give each other some reassurance.

bakewellbride · 14/07/2023 23:40

He needs the snip and you need to get rid of the stuff otherwise it's like torturing yourself

Tophy124 · 15/07/2023 00:38

Condoms only is really really stupid if he definitely doesn’t want another child. He needs to book in for a vasectomy asap!!!

My husband has already spoken to his Dr about one and I’m pregnant right now as he doesn’t want more children after this one and OP, I agree with you that both parents need to be all in and in agreement to have another.

He needs to book the snip asap and why can’t you get the coil now? Why end of summer?! Are you secretly hoping for a 3rd? (No judgement but think about it honestly to yourself). I wouldn’t be risking condoms only if my husband was this pushy about being done.

Ottersmith · 15/07/2023 05:28

It's fine to want to keep them. It's a difficult thing.

Also, just have another kid! What's all this "everyone has to be 100% on board" ? Bollocks, just try and have another, he'll come round.

AutieNOT0tie · 15/07/2023 05:39

When I decided I was done after third I literally sold/donated everything the second he outgrew it. Luckily dh was fine with it. For me it felt important to draw a line.
I'd say to him you accept he has changed his mind about the bigger family but you are not ready to get rid of things so can he stop asking.

Mariposista · 15/07/2023 09:08

Neither is being unreasonable really. There is no real need to get rid because of space and you feel this is being rushed, and he wants to probably to make it crystal clear that no 3 is not on the cards and don’t try to change his mind or trap him (I’m sure you wouldn’t).

Yousee · 15/07/2023 09:27

I'm gleefully getting rid of our baby things as and when DS grows out of them. Charity shops,gum tree, passing on,bin. Whatever, I'm done and happy to have them out of the way and make space for my children to grow.
Maybe you'd feel different if DH, instead of reminding you of your job, just cracked on with sorting it all out. That's intensely aggravating - why is it all your job to deal with when you don't even want to yet?

BreatheAndFocus · 15/07/2023 09:40

YANBU. He sounds either bossy or paranoid. I still have some baby stuff and there’s no way I’m having another baby. If you have plenty of storage space, it does no harm. Him raising the topic once a week is bullying. Tell him to FO, frankly, or go and find something he likes and is keeping and tell him he needs to get rid of it.

Over time you can thin out the baby stuff at your own pace.

CapEBarra · 15/07/2023 09:42

Tell him to do it if he’s so desperate to get rid of it.

Wemetatascoutcamp · 15/07/2023 09:43

Don’t think your being unreasonable, I know plenty of people who are definitely done and have kept baby stuff.
I can understand your husbands point of view though- I don’t think men are as sentimental as us women so he probably doesn’t realise your holding onto the baby things not because you want more but because of all the memories of your existing children they hold.
As someone else said could you compromise and just keep the most special items in a memory box?

Will say I got rid of everything after DD2, 12 years later and i’d remarried and DS2 arrived so I was eternally grateful to family and friends who had kept a hold of things and kindly passed them on to us. Last baby is due in January and i’ll likely get rid of everything again (in fact if our gender scan shows we’re having a girl all the boys clothes are going then as I don’t have the space to store it).

Havana2345 · 15/07/2023 09:45

What others have said. Sounds like he wants it all gone cos that will be the cement for him that you're not having anymore. You should be allowed to take time to process it when you've had it in your heart you would have at least one more. He ought to be a bit more sensitive.

Herejusttocomment · 15/07/2023 10:28

He sounds quite insensitive.
If you made sure to tell him you're 100% on board with not having another child, then YANBU, he is.

Also agree with PP, if he's so sure he doesn't want anymore children, he should book in for a vasectomy. Men usually get treated better by medical professionals anyway when it comes to reproductive choices...

SayHi · 15/07/2023 10:45

YABU

You are holding onto it all because you’re hoping he’ll change his mind or you’ll accidentally get pregnant.
I think he knows this which is why he’s so desperate for it to be gone.

Absolutely keep the main bits for keep sakes but you don’t need to hold on to the majority of clothes that your children have all grown out of.
My DD is 15 and it would be madness to keep all of the clothes she’s grown out of.
Your 2 y/o does not need baby clothes.

Why not donate it to someone who really needs it which will make yourself feel good.

I know it feels like if you get rid of it you’re essentially getting rid of the chance to have another baby but realistically if you did have another one you could just get new stuff, so the clothes should not represent your chance of having another baby.

I agree with PPs that you need to tell your DH to have a vasectomy if he doesn’t want another one but I don’t think you’re going to do that as you’re hoping he’s going to change his mind.

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