Old newborn/baby stuff. Who is BU? Me or DH?

[Redwatermelon]

Before getting married DH always said he would have loved to have 4 kids. I always liked the idea of having 3 DCs so we were sort of compatible from that POV.

Few years later…after having 2 DC, DH said he was done. He is finding being a parent super hard and he is absolutely against having other kids.

I would love to have a 3rd child but both parents have to be 100% on board…so I am slowly wrapping my head around the idea that this is it. I am working on it.

Anyway, my DH keeps reminding me (like once a week) that we have to sell/donate/get rid of the old newborn/baby stuff because we are not going to use them anymore.
Our youngest kid is almost 2 years old.

Please note, we have no issues with storage space. Everything is nicely packed and tucked away in the basement.

I said to him I am not ready to see it all go. I need more time to process and I need to do it when I am mentally ready.

He said this is absurd and that they are only things. That it is even counterproductive to have them around if I feel so torn about this whole topic.

What do you think?

YABU. They deserve to be used by another baby/family. My youngest and last child is nearly 5mo and we have literally this weekend given all the 0-3m clothes to my SIL who is having her first baby in September. I am looking forward to seeing those clothes have a second/third/fourth life (many of the clothes were used on our eldest too and plenty were second-hand from a friend before that!) with her child far more than keeping them in storage where I would have no joy from them.

Absolute rubbish IMO. 3 kids is a big jump from 2. You need a bigger car, bigger house, extra room on holiday etc etc.

Of course you are correct but I wouldn't have a coil fitted.

Too many horror stories from friends.

I would be using abstinence until he gets the snip😁

You KNOW it’s pointless, but how you FEEL is more important- especially if it’s not inconveniencing anyone

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but I was very emotionally attached to many newborn ‘/ baby/ young child items, but have slowly either binned/donated them over the years or (where they will last) or kept them for potential grand children (wooden things/ Moses basket etc). My daughters want these things kept (and ALL the Sylvanians😊) I absolutely loved seeing the grandchildren playing with our old toys and sitting in the wooden high chair (repainted by my dad when the first grandchild was born) There’s an up cycling/sustainability argument to be made there too.
If all the items were gone and you accidentally got pregnant you’d just buy new ones anyway so his argument is meaningless and MEAN. He needs to back off and let you make decisions about these items in your own time.

@Ottersmith

both parents do have to be 100% on board
you are wrong

@Ottersmith

also he might not come round. I wouldn’t.

I would've loved to have a third child, my husband absolutely not. We have two. But about the babystuff he didn't have a say. Like you OP, we have no storage problems. So I kept the "hardware" (like the babytub, high chair, changing pillows, cot, playpen etc.etc) and all of the topquality toys. My grandchildren (6, 4 and 9 months) bathe in that same old tub, play with the toys my son and my daughter played with, sleep in the same cot. It sure feels good. Follow your heart!

Since he's the one adamant about not having any more babies he should be the one to submit his body to permanent and worry free contraception.

Don't get the coil fitted. It will act as a permanent reminder to you that you're doing something against your wishes. I don't think that would be good for you.

I agree with the PP who said to tell him you'll get rid of the baby stuff when he gets the snip.

I’d add that I had a coil fitted to avoid any additional pregnancies. Three surgeries, a baby and a hysterectomy later,wasn’t my best idea ever

I won’t have any more but I haven’t got rid of any baby stuff because I want time to go through it carefully and pick the bits I want to keep. I don’t want to rush it or try to squeeze the job in between bed time and laundry. I will do it but probably not for a while and only a bit at a time as it’s the end of a stage in life.

A mother’s connection to material things that were her baby’s is completely different to a father’s. You live and breathe a baby and those things were all part of it.
We’re expecting baby no.2 but have had previously said 3 would be nice. Now I’m 35 and he’s 44 we would have to be quick to fit another in but my body physically and mentally couldn’t go into a third pregnancy without a decent break (medical conditions and high risk pregnancy). It might not even recover fully after this pregnancy.
My parents are worried they will be caring for a toddler is their seventies, DH’s parents will be mid eighties. It’s all just a bit too much for us and I’d just come round to the idea that we are having just the two when we found out DC2 is a boy (DC1 is a girl), I’m now in a total head spin because when I packed away all those beautiful baby girl clothes, I was fully convinced I would be dressing another baby girl in them.
I’m not disappointed in having a boy, one each is lovely but I can’t get out my head I’m meant to have another girl. I can’t even bring myself to get the newborn things out of storage to get the plain white vests because I know I’ll see all those gorgeous girls clothes (many still with tags on!) and really struggle to accept we won’t be using them. I know it will probably take me years to get over it and my DH will ask when is going to be the right time.
Honestly I can’t tell you when that will be but you will get to the stage when life feels comfortable and that’s when you’re ready but it’s not now.

We have 3 kids, defo having no more as husband had the snip and I have all my kids newborn -6 months clothes! Eldest is 19, youngest 2 ! Obviously all the good, unmarked stuff, not all vests etc or any stuff that was covered in stains lol but still I have a lot!! Maybe 6 huge vacuum bags full.
No way am I getting rid they are memories for me and hopefully one day my kids will want for their children to wear.
my 2 year old wore loads of the clothes I had kept from my 19 year old.
I also had special blankets made for each of them out of their baby clothes it's like a big patch work quilt, all the individual patches made from a piece of clothing,l and then a patch with their name, D.o.b and weight.

I am 70 years old, and I still have a small box of 3-4 treasured outfits that my sons, now in their 40s, wore as infants, along with a favorite stuffed animal. That's so reasonable. I would not allow your husband to push you into getting rid of everything, but you might start sorting into a keepsake box. Just doing that will help settle your mind about it, I think, and let him know that you are working on this in a positive way.

If he would like more certainty on the matter then I’d suggest a vasectomy as a more prudent move than the banishing of all baby related items from the house.

Keep for grandkids?

Sometimes it hard to let go of the memories of them being babies. Could you use some of the items to be made into a small quilt or cushion you could keep as a keepsake and donate the rest. Tell your husband to hang on while you process things and yes tell him to get a vasectomy if he is adamant he wants no more children.

I was adamant we were only having 2 kids but had the same emotional attachment to all the stuff so kept hold of it for 5 years.

We had a clear out over Christmas as we felt it was time to let go. Mid-January I found out I was pregnant!! Total surprise! We are now starting from scratch with getting stuff! So keep hold of it just in case!

i’d bag up quite a bit of stuff he likes -clothes, dvds, guitar, bike helmet … and hide it away. ‘Oh those? I got rid…what? they are just things for goodness sake!’
if he wants to try and say I’m worried you’re hanging into them then he can have a mature conversation like an adult instead of this sniping. Since you are just using condoms worth keeping your favorites anyway as you’d be devastated to have given them away. (I wouldn’t be getting the coil)

You could always say you want to pass them down to your grandchildren someday. Or maybe to one of your siblings that may have a child. Or perhaps a friend who is having a baby. They do have sentimental value to you.

I had 2 children with my exDH when I met my partner. We talked about having our own kids and both said we wanted them, I had always wanted 4. After a few years I raised the TTC subject and DP reluctantly admitted to me that he actually didn't feel like he wanted children now. It absolutely kicked me in the teeth tbh. I felt like I'd been lied to and that he had changed the goalposts of our relationship and it hurt. It took me another few years to accept that I had 2 wonderful DD's and I was lucky to have them and we could still be whole as a family of 4 so I got rid of / sold my baby bits.

A few months later, I found out I was pregnant due to a mini pill failure. DP was actually very supportive, he knew that getting rid was not an option for me but it meant we had to start from scratch buying all the baby bits again! 🤦🏼‍♀️

After our DS was born, I still had a longing for another baby, not least because the was an 11/8 year age gap with my DD's and I felt like he'd grow up essentially like an only child. But I had really bad SPD with my DS and ended up using crutches and in a wheelchair for the last few weeks of my pregnancy and DP said he didn't EVER want to see me in pain again and another baby was ABSOLUTELY not an option and though it was still disappointing I understood where he was coming from and felt lucky to have had our DS so I agreed.

However... When our DS was 8 months old we had an accident with a condom splitting. I went to the pharmacy the next day and got the MAP 14 hours after the condom failure. I even joked with the Pharmacist that DS who was with me was too young to be a big brother. 6 weeks later I found out I was pregnant with our DD 🙈😬 thankfully still had the baby stuff this time though 😂

Again termination just wasn't an option for me and DP supported this so I got the 4 children I always said I wanted! 😂 But after DD3's pregnancy I knew I was done. And I did happily get rid of the baby things as she outgrew them.

Point of the story is; even if you get rid of the baby things, unless one of you, most likely your DH gets a PERMANENT method of contraception in place ✂️✂️ then you can NEVER say that there isn't a chance of another baby - I have 2 happy surprises from 3 different contraception failures to prove that!

Even a coil is only 99% effective and if your area is anywhere like mine you won't be able to be sterilised on the NHS, even at 39 and adamantally sure I am 100% done they won't do it. So if your DH is that sure then he needs to have a vasectomy.

With regards to selling the baby bits, I don't think YABU. The goalpost in the amount of children you always thought you would have has changed and it will take time for you to accept that. Him "bullying" you to get rid of the stuff is no different to if you kept trying to persuade him to have one more! Take all the time you need and do it when you are ready, but only AFTER your DH has had the snip otherwise you never know if you may need it again or not! 😂

Ah - I sympathise. We had IVF and had two put in and got twins, very lucky. There was only one other viable embryo, which we froze. Went back later to try with the mindset that we were really happy with two and God/fate would decide about the third.

It didn't take and I was unexpectedly devastated, but later realised that was due to hormones.

Over the years since I have actually been almost quite relieved it didn't work out.

Any hotels/holidays you book are based on two kids. Otherwise you need an extra room. Family rooms are two adults two children, and not much more than a normal double. Two rooms is twice the price. Same with apartments abroad eg skiing trips. After school stuff is hard enough with two eg swimming classes, maybe half an hour apart - if DH is at work while you do the extra curricular, more than two is going to be a challenge.

Also - DS was diagnosed with ASD aged 4, and later with ADHD. He's an amazing teenager now, but was hard work during the primary years. Maybe a third child just wasn't meant to be....?

Not that I wouldn't have loved a third (or more) and we would have made it work - but maybe the logistics will help you rationalise things?

Sorry if you're feeling broody and he isn't . But having two happy and healthy children is a wonderful blessing and I hope you can enjoy that and move on.

I am absolutely 100% unequivocally done with having kids.

I still have their baby stuff. It's memories I'm not parting with yet.

I echo someone else who said it's easier when they are school age to clear some baby stuff. I then gave some of it to someone in need as they had nothing. Even so it still twanged my heart to part with and I knew I would never use it myself. I have kept the most special bits in a box for each child.

Hell my kids have toys and stuff I had as a kid because my parents kept it 🤷‍♀️

Im
so sorry to read your post, it’s really painful to want another baby.
a practical thought re getting rid of all the baby things- 30 years later I’ve only kept two items of baby things- a lovely jumper and coat- how I wish I’d kept so much more- both my daughter and son loved dressing their babies in those two items because they’d worn them as babies too. They’ve both said how they wish there were more things and looked at all their baby photos- photos that suddenly become fascinating when you have your own child to compare them to- and have said of so
many toys or clothes ‘oh, I wish you’d kept that’. It’s a long way off, I know, but keep a big box of your favourite stuff for when/if you’re a grandparent. What’s the problem if you have the room. Good luck.

I kept all of my children’s clothes carefully packed away waiting for grandchildren. Ditto toys. Some of the clothes haven’t survived storage but many did and my daughter in law has enjoyed using them. If you have room store the clothes, it’s such a joy to see your grandchildren in them.