Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Old newborn/baby stuff. Who is BU? Me or DH?

102 replies

Redwatermelon · 14/07/2023 08:23

Before getting married DH always said he would have loved to have 4 kids. I always liked the idea of having 3 DCs so we were sort of compatible from that POV.

Few years later…after having 2 DC, DH said he was done. He is finding being a parent super hard and he is absolutely against having other kids.

I would love to have a 3rd child but both parents have to be 100% on board…so I am slowly wrapping my head around the idea that this is it. I am working on it.

Anyway, my DH keeps reminding me (like once a week) that we have to sell/donate/get rid of the old newborn/baby stuff because we are not going to use them anymore.
Our youngest kid is almost 2 years old.

Please note, we have no issues with storage space. Everything is nicely packed and tucked away in the basement.

I said to him I am not ready to see it all go. I need more time to process and I need to do it when I am mentally ready.

He said this is absurd and that they are only things. That it is even counterproductive to have them around if I feel so torn about this whole topic.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Elaina87 · 15/07/2023 10:49

You're not unreasonable at all. He's changed his mind and you're dealing with it, which is going to take some time. They stuff isn't in the way, he needs to back off. When you do decide to let it go , keep a couple of special ones. You can also have old baby grows made into teddy bears of you look online xx

Angua2112 · 15/07/2023 10:55

If he’s that insistent on no more children he should get the snip. Much simpler for men. Getting rid of baby stuff really triggers and ‘end of this phase’ feeling.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/07/2023 11:24

Sell the baby gear and use the money to treat yourself OP!
a spa break or whatever floats your boat

Createausername1970 · 15/07/2023 11:31

Regarding the clothes. I would be saying to him it's all about compromises. You have accepted his choice about not having any more children, that is your compromise. His compromise is to allow you time to come to terms with that in your own time and in your own way, and if that includes choosing not to pass on the baby clothes just yet, then so be it. He is being unreasonable to expect otherwise.

amysaurus87 · 15/07/2023 11:34

I was in the same position, wanting a third but husband being finished having babies.

Once we were on the same page I found it a lot easier to deal with all the baby clothes, toys etc. I've kept the "important' bits (coming home outfit, first Christmas, first birthday etc) but everything else has been sold or donated.

For what it's worth it was my health that finally brought me onto the same page, I've got high cholesterol (treated with meds), under active thyroid and recently diagnosed with ADHD (also treated with meds).

user1469770863 · 15/07/2023 11:40

I would say .. 'Look, to the question of another child you have said no. I am accepting this. This is the ENORMOUS compromise I am willing to make. BUT to the question of getting rid of the baby stuff I have said no. You have to accept this. This is the TINY compromise you have to make'.

AWholeExtraRoom · 15/07/2023 11:59

VivaVivaa · 14/07/2023 09:47

Slight aside, but I hope you are getting the coil fitted because it is what you want, as opposed to facilitate his reproductive choices. Tell him to get the snip otherwise.

X100 this.

AWholeExtraRoom · 15/07/2023 12:00

user1469770863 · 15/07/2023 11:40

I would say .. 'Look, to the question of another child you have said no. I am accepting this. This is the ENORMOUS compromise I am willing to make. BUT to the question of getting rid of the baby stuff I have said no. You have to accept this. This is the TINY compromise you have to make'.

Also this.

wholivesondrurylane · 15/07/2023 12:02

Anything you are not using is clutter, so I can see his point.

Raindancer411 · 15/07/2023 12:03

If you aren't ready as of memories of your two using it, tell him that. It's letting go of memories of the kids and you aren't keeping it in homes.

BUT my youngest is 3 now and I still have stuff for the same reason, although we keep joking about not selling the cot... last time we had the cot we never got pregnant, and 8 years later did sell it. Then I fell pregnant 😂 The cot is our insurance policy about fate 😆

Raindancer411 · 15/07/2023 12:04

Hopes, not homes 😂

Phos · 15/07/2023 12:54

I agree that it's absurd. Clinging onto stuff won't make a baby magically appear. If something isn't being used, why do you need to keep it?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/07/2023 12:58

He needs to get his head around the fact that you aren't keeping them for future use but for past memories.

It might be worth you getting two storage boxes and putting together half filled Memory Boxes (space for future years stuff) for each kid. Pick out the clothing toys and blankets that evoke the most memory for you. My kids love looking back through theirs!

This way you can slowly adjust to these Memory Boxes being the keepers and everything else just fading til it becomes "stuff".

billy1966 · 15/07/2023 13:01

P1ckledonionz · 14/07/2023 08:53

Why should you move at his pace?

Why won't he let you go at your own pace?

He said this is absurd and that they are only things. That it is even counterproductive to have them around if I feel so torn about this whole topic.

What a put-down! He's minimising your feelings and telling you that you are doing you're own feelings in the wrong way...
He needs to get the memo that he's not the judge or boss of other people's feelings.

This comes across as very, very bossy.

And he sounds like he needs to focus on managing his own feelings, clearly he has some of his own to process if he feels the need to control yours.

If 1,000 people want to peocess their emotions in the same way it doesn't make 1 person wrong for needing to process their emotions in a different way. As long as no one is being harmed, he need to grow up and let you crack on.

I agree with this.

He sounds like a right bully.

He doesn't get to decide how quickly you move on.

As for a coil?

Not a chance would I be having one fitted.

Why isn't he getting the snip?

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/07/2023 13:35

billy1966 · 15/07/2023 13:01

I agree with this.

He sounds like a right bully.

He doesn't get to decide how quickly you move on.

As for a coil?

Not a chance would I be having one fitted.

Why isn't he getting the snip?

Show quote history

@billy1966

better a coil than getting pregnant with a baby whose father doesn’t want it

birdglasspen · 15/07/2023 16:03

just Enjoy the two you have as much as possible, enjoy that you can spend quality time with them both. Children do take a lot of care and although I love my 3rd I had no idea just how hard 3 would be compared to two and how sad I feel when I can’t spend quality time with my oldest alone. He’s the only one at school and husband works long hours so getting time together is hard and he really needs it. Really, just have fun with the ones you have! X

LadyBird1973 · 15/07/2023 16:30

I wouldn't be getting a coil. If he doesn't want a baby, that's his prerogative, but he should be dealing with contraception/getting the snip.
Tell him to stop bullying you about the baby stuff.

surreygirl1987 · 15/07/2023 17:06

I agree with him that having them there keeps alive the possibility of actually using them at some point. Getting rid of them will help you draw a line under the matter and move on.

Yeh, I cab imagine it's worrying him that you are so set on keeping it, as it's like you think there might still be a 3rd.

Rol73 · 15/07/2023 17:06

I don't think you're being unreasonable, if you have space and they're out of the way then I don't see any reason not to keep them a while longer. If your husband can't accept that at the minute they mean something to you then he needs to wind his neck in! The reason people keep things is usually because there's some emotional motivation - they're not just "things", they represent something in your life and getting rid of them feels like you are slamming a door shut on something you thought might happen. He needs to understand that you are still processing that grief - in effect, you didn't get to make that decision, he did and has presumably already come to terms with it, you haven't.

I do think you might want to reflect on whether you think there's any validity in what he says about keeping them (albeit expressed badly!) - is it making it harder for you to think about what might have been? Of course you also have to decide if you do want more children and if that's a dealbreaker for you - could he be worried you might leave him over it?

FWIW, I didn't particularly want more than 2 children and I didn't get rid of my children's baby clothes until they were about 11 (they were all in the loft) and even then I felt a few pangs of sadness about the fact I was saying that I wasn't going to be a mother again.

InSpainTheRain · 15/07/2023 17:20

I'd say to him "I'll get rid of the baby clothes after you've had the snip because i dont want to gave the coil fitted". It'll probably shut him up.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 15/07/2023 17:37

Err, why are you getting a coil fitted? Not the point of the thread I know, but if he's the one adamant he doesn't want anymore then let him get the snip. You've done your bit. Including coming to terms with no more children. Tell him you will get rid of the stuff when you feel ready, it's not inconveniencing him in any way, it's stored away.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/07/2023 00:04

Getting rid of baby stuff is emotive. I don't tell people outside my family how long I held on to my store of expressed milk after I stopped breastfeeding. You are not being unreasonable to take time to adjust. Also, with such a young dc, I could understand wanting to wait and see if he feels the same in a couple of years.

TheBraveNecessities · 16/07/2023 10:02

When I had my third I had hoped that I would get that done feeling people speak about, but I didn’t and I realised that I would probably always want another baby. DH was sure he was done though. I accepted this, there are lots of practical and financial reasons I could see about having more that wouldn’t work.

Despite accepting this, it took me until DD was four to get rid of anything. I’m glad I waited until then as I didn’t feel sad getting rid of things by then, it felt fine. I got memory blankets made for each child and they are beautiful, and I could let go of the other clothes I’d kept once I had the blankets. I was also really keen for DH to get a vasectomy, which he did and I’m glad that for the first time in 15 years, I don’t have to take the pill or be pregnant/breastfeeding.

JudgeRudy · 16/07/2023 10:06

Farcis · 14/07/2023 08:26

If there’s no issue with storage, he’s just saying it to make a point. Ignore it and move on.

Making a point is fine, especially if it's fair and logical. Maybe he wants the cash from the sale. Maybe he just wants the space back or maybe he just wants his wife to move on.
I think he's being a bit off ignoring her feelings though

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/07/2023 10:10

Redwatermelon · 14/07/2023 08:53

Temporarily we are using condoms but I will have a coil fitted after summer.

I know he is very set in no more kids so I am not pushing the topic of a 3rd child. Both parents have to be 100% sure so this is kind of closing the chapter - unless he is ready to open it again in few years, but it would have to come from him.

During the years i have lent many things to my friend, but these handmedowns always came back. I will happily lend them again as needed. I am just not ready to sell or donate completely.

Well apparently everyone is changing their minds so the coil could get fucked as far as i was concerned.

I would 100% NOT be getting a coil fitted (especially after some of the horror stories i have heard from froends and coworkers) if he only wants two children let him use condoms or have a vasectomy.

ALSO i love that it is your job to clear sort and sell baby stuff, if he is so passionate why doesnt he crack on with it himself???

Swipe left for the next trending thread