I sent the photos. AIBU?

[dinoice]

Will try and summarise.

Was professional, now I'm at home.

DH rented family farm, rural, scene from Walton's, three brothers and families, all older children, and his parents.

I have four under five. Sick of no holidays, so bought a wee caravan and put it on a field at the coast, about forty minutes drive.

DH, always working, fine, good dad, I accept I married into it.

Friday, huge gathering of friends from Australia, I catered it. So 35 for breakfast, Cleared up, put kids in car, went to caravan.

DH on silage, I left
Clean beds
House clean
Meals in freezer and slow cooker
Stuff for lunches, made.

I took, four kids, two dogs and left one who is tricky.

I came back today, because all have a horrid cough and I needed to wash some bedding and regroup.

I picked up a shop, arrived home.

I found
Garden covered in dog poo
Windows shut, bedroom stinky, clothes not changed before bed.
Cupboard doors open, straw all over carpet.
Toilets filthy, trainspotting style.
House a tip.
Bins overflowing.

So, I considered cleaning it, but then I thought no, I'm done.

So I fed kids, put shop away, collected third dog, took photos and headed back to caravan. Did a wash there, fed kids and then the rage took over.

Then, this is when I should have left it. I sent the photos to the family farm group.

There was all the comments of where are you, were you not due back today, blah blah.

So I saw red and put the pictures on.

DH is cross, he is busy, blah blah. But it's been raining. I'm busy, I haven't slept in years.

So. Yes I probably shouldn't have shared the photos but I lost it. I should clarify, I get NO help. Ever. I am not part of the business. I run my own. I bought myself, two successful holiday let's.

I'm not going to leave him but I hope I have got the point across. Badly albeit.

I’d have done the same, especially with all of them demanding to know where you were. He genuinely expected you to clean up his disgusting mess. Nope. Lemme know when it’s clean, and I’ll be back.

Are you on the Farm Wives page on Facebook? Because you’re probably just going to get a shit load of people telling you to stop martyring yourself, LTB etc etc etc here. But farming is a whole different kettle of fish isn’t it? It can be fucking lonely and quite frankly it’s draining.

You’re probably being a bit unreasonable in how you handled it but I’d be lying if I said I’d not thrown my toys out of the pram over the years. I’m praying for rain tomorrow and Saturday so that my husband might actually do slightly more than 0% parenting of the four poorly children because the fucking silage is more important.

Toilet like trainspotting would anger me too. Yeah maybe you went nuts and that’s a bit much but I don’t blame you!

So he doesn't like that you called him out? Then he needs to not live like a pig while you're away. Yes, he's busy, but he could at least make some effort to clean up after himself and the other dog.

I get it OP. I don't think I'd have sent the photos to the group, but I'd have definitely left and sent the photos to husband saying you won't be home until it's cleaned. I have a DH who works ridiculous hours in his own business too. It was exhausting when the kids were smaller. Full sympathies.

@NoParticularPattern no I am not, but I'm off to check.

Yes I also pray for rain.

I accept I shouldn't have done it.

I was unreasonable.

But twenty years married, carrying 100percent of everything, four sick kids and then that, I have lost my mind.

I've deleted them now.

Gosh I'm cross. I'm always a nightmare when I'm tired. I've done my best this week, I really have. I just saw red.

Just to add, I wonder if none of them were by the house in the week you were gone? Given how helpless your husband appears to be for taking care of his own mess, I’d be somewhat surprised if nobody swung by to ‘feed the poor man’ while you were away.

I suspect that the state of the house wasn’t a shock, but your refusal to fix it was.

@LittleMG I think it was the toilet. I mean bloody hell.

I've just had to clean urine off for children at three am. And a bucket of cough sick, my lovely wee caravan. I muddle along, I don't ask for much, but for gods sake clean the loo

@ChubbyMorticia exactly this. DH do you need tea tonight, do you have food for bait.

@vipersnest1 yes that's it, for sure.

@EvilElsa thanks. I probably don't deserve it but I am sad and tired.

I have no words.

But you keep on keeping on. Good on you!!

And let him and his kin sort out their shit.

(And if any of your kids are female, you know what to do!)

Don’t blame you for being angry, doesn’t hurt the shitheads to give them an absolute bollocking sometimes. I’m a contractors wife and we have our own farm too, so I get it, I get the ridiculous hours and having absolutely NO help and that being solely responsible for fucking everything feeling. Don’t beat yourself up for sending the photos, it wasn’t ideal but it’s not the end of the world! Hope he gets his shit together and cleans up!

I’m also not the best person when tired/ill (or both!). I went crackers with my husband fairly recently because he kept asking me what he could do to help me. Which just adds “explain help required and ensure it gets done then redo it when it’s not done properly” to my list which is more effort than just doing the bloody thing in the first place. Im not surprised that this was the last straw. It’s like you’re the only one responsible for not living in a hovel but even if you accept that no one else will help it seems like they’re actively trying to do the opposite!!

I totally get you.
I think during silage they lose their minds somewhat and nothing else matters or exists.
Regardless of what he's working, he is still capable of basic house skills..aka, cleaning up after himself.
I probably wouldn't have sent the pics, but id have wanted to!! Perhaps a message saying you would appreciate him tidying it by X date, as you will be home then. And then I guess hope he does actually does!
Also, definitely join the farm wives UK page...its nice to be in a group who 'get it'.

People say to me I shouldn't have married a soldier but until you live the lifestyle you don't know how you will cope.

I only have two and holidays tire me out. You needed to come home and de stress. Not that you can with 4 but having extra stuff to do on top isn't awful.

My DH says the house is my job and his work is his job. However you have 4 and do work. Does he usually close cupboards and open windows etc?

Crying now, I needed a kicking. I shouldn't have done it.

Have found group, joined, deleted photos, poured a glass of wine, that might end badly or I might sleep for once.

Kids asleep, dogs asleep.

Thank you all.

I was an arse, but i think I reached my break point.

My most difficult SIL messaged me saying well done and she was not going to sort it but he could. And could she come and help or play tomorrow, which is a bloody first so maybe all is not lost.

YAdefinitelyNBU I'd have been livid too. OK, farmers work hard, long hours, you knew what you were marrying into etc etc. That does not excuse leaving him leaving the house in that state. It takes no time at all to clean up a toilet after yourself or empty a bin. It's disgusting and unacceptable.

No bloody way I'd be leaving him meals etc next time. He needs to learn to muck in and take some responsibility for the domestic drudgery. I'd say you've had s much harder time than he has over the last 5 years.

Time for someone to discover you ain't doing all the shit for him anymore.

@blacknredsweeties cupboards yes. Or maybe no. Maybe I do it automatically. Toilets same. Longest I've left to be fair, I tend to go a couple of nights.

Windows no, but he would never enter a bedroom without washing if I was here.

You absolutely did not need a kicking, at all. It’s fucking hard, so hard, and we get it!! Sometimes you just reach the end of your tether.. we have all been thrre.
Nice message from your SIL, glad she’s been kind.

How does one person in one week get a toilet looking like train spotting? I think there must be something wrong with your DH's guts.

You say that you accept DH working long hard hours because you knew what you were marrying - but then wonder why he's not working and then coming home and thinking of cleaning the house.

If he works long hours and you earn enough to buy two holiday lets why not get a cleaner?

@Superdupes fair points.

Will summarise.

Married from school, I went to uni, solicitor, quickly became partner and specialist. Saved and saved, got to point ready for kids, lost ten, failed at IVF, lost my mind, told no hope, ever. Adopted two. Rarely mentioned here although I name change plenty. Fell pregnant, had twins. Then had I think a breakdown. But anyway. Here I am. Bought a house, renovated and split it into two small cottages, set up alone, simple simple life.

Grow veg, fruit, have chickens, meat from farm. Holidays are said caravan.

So cleaner not really an option, and why should a cleaner deal with that.

Your husband is an absolute pig and I would have buried him out on that fucking farm. You handled that much more calmly than I would have.

You need to make some serious ultimatums. His lack of respect is shocking.

Oh please don't cry! You absolutely don't deserve a kicking at all. AT ALL. You reached breaking point, we all have one. I think the vast majority here would have been furious to come home to that. Enjoy your wine and have a good sleep. It will feel better in the morning when you are not so exhausted and emotional.

@dinoice id own this one, toilet is a deal breaker my dad does this it’s so disrespectful. Have u had any come back?

I wonder how many posters would applaud Op working all day and DH returning from caravan and posting these photos on her family group chat. I dont think it was a good thing to do.

That said, OP you sound completely at breaking point, and I was so sorry to read about your losses 💜 I hope you can find a solution.