I sent the photos. AIBU?

[dinoice]

Will try and summarise.

Was professional, now I'm at home.

DH rented family farm, rural, scene from Walton's, three brothers and families, all older children, and his parents.

I have four under five. Sick of no holidays, so bought a wee caravan and put it on a field at the coast, about forty minutes drive.

DH, always working, fine, good dad, I accept I married into it.

Friday, huge gathering of friends from Australia, I catered it. So 35 for breakfast, Cleared up, put kids in car, went to caravan.

DH on silage, I left
Clean beds
House clean
Meals in freezer and slow cooker
Stuff for lunches, made.

I took, four kids, two dogs and left one who is tricky.

I came back today, because all have a horrid cough and I needed to wash some bedding and regroup.

I picked up a shop, arrived home.

I found
Garden covered in dog poo
Windows shut, bedroom stinky, clothes not changed before bed.
Cupboard doors open, straw all over carpet.
Toilets filthy, trainspotting style.
House a tip.
Bins overflowing.

So, I considered cleaning it, but then I thought no, I'm done.

So I fed kids, put shop away, collected third dog, took photos and headed back to caravan. Did a wash there, fed kids and then the rage took over.

Then, this is when I should have left it. I sent the photos to the family farm group.

There was all the comments of where are you, were you not due back today, blah blah.

So I saw red and put the pictures on.

DH is cross, he is busy, blah blah. But it's been raining. I'm busy, I haven't slept in years.

So. Yes I probably shouldn't have shared the photos but I lost it. I should clarify, I get NO help. Ever. I am not part of the business. I run my own. I bought myself, two successful holiday let's.

I'm not going to leave him but I hope I have got the point across. Badly albeit.

Sorry really made me laugh. I think the 💩 is a good hint. How does a man think that is ok?

I haven't been in your situation so it's hard to judge. I get the urge to show he can't keep the house straight and it all falls on you, but I hope I wouldn't belittle my husband by showing the dirty toilet. I feel that's too personal, too far and, honestly, too humiliating. I'm a terrible housekeeper and if my husband did something like that to me, I'd find it hard to forgive. Not saying I don't deserve it, actually, 😒 but I don't know if seeing him hate me so much to do that, that I would want to be with him. Or indeed that he would want to stay with me.

If he doesn’t want to be humiliated he shouldn’t have left the house like that.

So there is nothing you've done in your life, that you'd be unhappy about if your husband broadcast it to everyone?

You were absolutely correct to put those photos on the family group. Your dh is completely out of order to leave such a filthy mess. Tell him that you won’t come back until he’s had a professional cleaning firm into to clean the place. Do say that the kids and dogs are back today. He’s in charge whilst you are on holiday just yourself until the place is clean.. You need a break in a comfortable place.

Sure. But I’ve never expected my husband or anyone else to clean up a week of my literal shit, either.

The complete lack of respect that someone has to have to leave literal shit for their partner to clean up is absolutely jaw dropping.

It's unpleasant for the op, I agree. But it's the sort of thing you keep private, really. Like your husband keeps private things that would humiliate you. Pictures of the untidy house would surely be sufficient to show how unreasonable he had been.

I don’t think that anyone should have to hide or cover up how their partner treats them.

To me, it’s not about a bit of mess, or being a slob. Leaving hazardous waste (which body fluids and waste are classified as) for a WEEK, PLUS dog shit for your partner to clean up? That’s contempt, in my opinion. He’s punishing her for going away, by creating this unholy health hazard for her to clean up. While wrangling 4 under five to boot! I sure as hell wouldn’t want young kids in that house! Could you imagine trying to ensure you cleaned up all the literal shit before one of the kids got into it?

So there is nothing you've done in your life, that you'd be unhappy about if your husband broadcast it to everyone?

When it comes to basic hygiene in the home and not taking the piss about being alone whilst my DH was looking after the children, then no.

I wouldn't have to be unhappy because I'd have been bloody grateful they'd left me food and a clean home whilst they let me concentrate on work.

There is no reason at all why the OP should have come back to a home in that state as a result of one man living there - regardless of how hard he works.

Lots of people work hard/long hours.

It's not a free pass to turn a clean home into a cesspit after less than a week.

I appreciate farming is bloody hard and full on (farmers in the family) but I can't imagine my cousin putting up with this crap from her DH.

The smelly bedroom and unwashed clothes. My goodness you have no bloody idea of the stench "farm" clothes have.

Cousin has a downstairs boot/wet/utility room where her DH comes in strips off, showers and puts filthy clothes in to wash and changes before even getting into the "house proper".

OP I think posting the pictures was a good thing - and your SIL reaction speaks volumes.

Don't be too hard on yourself. He took the piss and needed to be called out in it.

If he's embarrassed then so what?

That's simply an admission that he knew he was in the wrong but expected to get away with it and you to tidy up his literal crap.

He needed a wake up call.

The toilet has poo on the sides. That doesn't make it hazardous waste. 🙄 If it did, you'd never survive having children. 4 yos see and survive a lot more poo than that.

Anyway, I'm off to sleep. I'm going on a coach trip tomorrow. There'll be "hazardous waste" from complete strangers in the on board toilet, I've no doubt. But I'll take a hazmat suit to get through it alive.

Duck’s sake, that’s the LEAST you could have done! He’d be sleeping with the animals!

You did exactly the right thing. I think you should have left the photos on though and not deleted them.

Hopefully a lesson was learned. Brava!

Don't worry about what's done but do talk to your dh. Sometimes we get stuck in a pattern if not asking for more because we feel that's unreasonable or because we are told 'no'.

You both had four dc. You should both be knackered and knee deep in crap.

Holidays alone with four kids should be shelved for a few years.

Don't let him fob you off. Make him listen to your needs. Everyone's lives change when they have kids, even farmers.

I don't blame you in the slightest. If it's okay for you to come home to that pigsty and be expected to clean it all up, it's good enough for the whatsup people to see it too. I agree with the poster who said you shouldn't have to hide how your husband treats you so he looks like a normal human being.

Huge hugs op. I’m up tonight because there’s an anniversary today and I can’t stop thinking about how different my life was 20 years ago (I’m 43) to now. 4 kids, animals, totally different area and work, people gone etc etc. your kids are so young and you sound so tired. I went through that place too but women shouldn’t go through it simply because their partners won’t clean. I have 4 kids who I battle with and a dh I battle with and I say ‘when I was a little girl do you think I was studying so I could sniff your boxers or clean out a stuffed toilet or scrub a floor with no help?’
personally I see why you think you shouldn’t have done the pictures but fecking well done to you for it

Not the same at all and not even remotely in this league-I only have one child and one husband who thankfully has since learned-but when my daughter was three weeks old (now 3.5 so thankfully also those harder days behind us…) I went up to take her to meet my family for a weekend in Scotland and to get some help. He stayed here to work and I came back, tired, had her all weekend, felt like I’d been hit by a bus still, he had had a weekend of sleeping… and the house was the absolute post newborn bombsite it was when I left it. I remember cleaning up after the dog in the garden when I got back and absolutely losing it. It’s hard OP. And you have four!! And the mess sounds much worse than mine. Please be kind to yourself ❤️

So he could not be bothered to take his filthy kit off before coming in (and I assume you have a porch/mudroom etc to do that in)... swish the loo round or open a window?

I do understand some seasonal farm stuff is crazy but... he has time to shit, eat and sleep, taking off filthy kit, squirting and swishing the bog round and showering do NOT add a huge amount of time to that.

YANBU but i doubt your approach will work unfortunately, he'll get defensive and justify himself any which way.

I’ve had similar and I hit the roof. There was quite a lot of high volume so what the fuck were you doing with yourself all those evenings you had all to yourself?? While I was up all night and all day, you just pretended we’d dropped into a black hole and you could do absolutely nothing for your family for 3 weeks?? THREE WEEKS?? Where are my 3 weeks of just going to work and doing Jack fucking all else?? When do I get those? While you do everything??

The next time I went away with young dc I came home to a tidy house and I handed them over and went to bed for the day.

This 100%!

You have taken a stand when pushed beyond endurance.

Take Winston Churchill’s advice now.
”Never apologise, never explain”.

And stop beating yourself up!

Or you run the risk of undoing all the good you have done.

I wish you the courage of your convictions and a good nights sleep.

You catered for 25 people

You have 4 children & dogs

You left a tidy home, plus food

You went away for a change of scenery relaxed a bit & got sick

I am exhausted just reading this !

Lovely, you did exactly the right thing. Sometimes losing your shit is the only effective way to be heard.

I have a reputation amongst my in-laws for being "difficult" because I've lost my temper a couple of times (I'm not aggressive or shouty, but I do make it clear I'm angry). But guess what, I'm not now given anything the shit they pile onto my more placid/patient SIL.

Personally, I'm cheering you on. BTW, are you in the NE? Haven't heard anyone use the term for bait for lunch since my grandparents died.

It’s not the being broadcast that’s the issue, what if someone visited and used the toilet? Saw the state of the house? He would have just blamed his wife. I wouldn’t have sent the pictures, but I wouldn’t have come back until he cleaned up his mess. And he wouldn’t be getting meals and other prep before I went away next time.

You poor thing. I would collapse with even a quarter of your workload. I want to give you a hug.

@goodmenandwomen it's their family home, the fact it's rented is irrelevant.

Up thread someone said that no one is applauding the OP for her behaviour, but that isn't quite true as:

@dinoice I, (the female that Tennyson gave 15 minutes of fame to) most definitely am Applauding you.

I think that you taking and publishing those photos to other very involved family members was INSPIRED! So please do not beat yourself up over it.

You are coming across as a lovely and kind human being OP, but that does not mean that you have to be tolerant of such gross behaviour. You have hinted that you are far from being a perfect person, absolutely none of us are perfect OP, and IMO we should not even strive to be so.

You have already had a taste of - good - Karma from your sister-in-law. Please don't jeopardise any future good Karma by now thinking that what you did was wrong. As I said before, it was Inspired, and I am now going to add another word - it was also BRILLIANT!

I will probably be shot down in flames for not being a Politically Correct woman within a Family Political Situation. However, I still believe that not only is my view still valid, but I still believe that my view of the OP's actions 'being the very best actions that she could have taken within the confines of the given situation' are morally correct...

I am wishing you so much good guidance and luck with your future decisions OP, but a I do believe that no-one's feelings can take place in isolation, including those of your dear child's. You need to try to look at this sad situation holistically. At the end of the day, forgetting about the very important minutiae for a short while, my view as an outsider of the way this horrible situation should end, is the same as many of the other PPs - LTB! ❤️💐💐💐