I sent the photos. AIBU?

[dinoice]

Will try and summarise.

Was professional, now I'm at home.

DH rented family farm, rural, scene from Walton's, three brothers and families, all older children, and his parents.

I have four under five. Sick of no holidays, so bought a wee caravan and put it on a field at the coast, about forty minutes drive.

DH, always working, fine, good dad, I accept I married into it.

Friday, huge gathering of friends from Australia, I catered it. So 35 for breakfast, Cleared up, put kids in car, went to caravan.

DH on silage, I left
Clean beds
House clean
Meals in freezer and slow cooker
Stuff for lunches, made.

I took, four kids, two dogs and left one who is tricky.

I came back today, because all have a horrid cough and I needed to wash some bedding and regroup.

I picked up a shop, arrived home.

I found
Garden covered in dog poo
Windows shut, bedroom stinky, clothes not changed before bed.
Cupboard doors open, straw all over carpet.
Toilets filthy, trainspotting style.
House a tip.
Bins overflowing.

So, I considered cleaning it, but then I thought no, I'm done.

So I fed kids, put shop away, collected third dog, took photos and headed back to caravan. Did a wash there, fed kids and then the rage took over.

Then, this is when I should have left it. I sent the photos to the family farm group.

There was all the comments of where are you, were you not due back today, blah blah.

So I saw red and put the pictures on.

DH is cross, he is busy, blah blah. But it's been raining. I'm busy, I haven't slept in years.

So. Yes I probably shouldn't have shared the photos but I lost it. I should clarify, I get NO help. Ever. I am not part of the business. I run my own. I bought myself, two successful holiday let's.

I'm not going to leave him but I hope I have got the point across. Badly albeit.

This ^.

He’s not actually on your side op; he’s lazy and disrespectful to you. Why do you want to stay married to that?

To let the house het into that state when staying there alone he would have to be disgusting. That would really put me off him.

I'd stop doing so much. Ok the DC have to be looked after, but I would stop catering for 35. And if were away with 4 kids, I wouldn't leave lunches for my DH. He can make himself a bloody sandwich.

It was a toilet that was so very disgusting (and the action that took place within it), that along with a poor baby being kept in such squalid conditions, meant that both my DH and I decided after watching those scenes (from the film "Trainspotting) to just stop watching it...

This. He is disgraceful and you are Wonder Woman. Not only are women expected to do absolutely everything but we are encouraged to put up and shut up quietly. Good for you. Things need to change OP, you will sink. At least people will know why you are sinking though.

Both of these. OP you don't deserve a kicking, you deserve a medal and for PP who keep going on about it I don't mean for the photos, I mean for all the bloody hard work OP does. The photo thing wasn't great, but what's getting lost here is that your DH treatment of you is much worse. He could have easily removed his gross clothes, showered and cleaned the toilet, that is really the absolute least you should be able to expect of a competent adult no matter how tired. He was disgusting, there's no way how he behaved was ok. Don't let that get lost and it become about the photos. The way he treated you is unacceptable and that needs to be the focus, not the photos.

YANBU OP. My dh often works ridiculously long hours 7 days a week. He might not do any housework but he still managed to use a toilet without making a mess, take his plates, cups etc to the kitchen and put in the sink, shower before bed etc. I don't expect him to do any housework, but I do expect him to make it easy for me to do it, and not add to it unnecessary.

My Op also works long hours and would never dream of leaving a dirty toilet. He clears up after himself at the very minimum: clothes in wash basket, cups in dishwasher, cans in trash, bathrooms clean after use.

I’d have done a video with running, very angry, commentary let alone photos.

You were definitely not unreasonable, and I really feel for you.
All he had to do was make sure he left the toilet clean after use, rather than covered in shit. Shower. Take his filthy boots off before going in the house. Empty bins when full. Pick up dog shit in the garden (his own children are going to be using that garden when home). He didn't bother, not because he was busy with work, but because he expected to make everything as filthy as he could and you would clean it all up when you return.
I wouldn't have taken the photos down.
What an absolute prince of a man.

This would especially anger me, too.

How long does it take to clean a toilet - especially if there's only one person using it?

There are three adults in our house, and I clean the sink and toilet in the bathroom, and wipe over the floor every morning. It quite literally takes five minutes. The reason it takes five minutes is because if you dod it every day, ands the loo brush as required, and when required so that nothing gets the opportunity to "dry on", it doesn't get a chance to get dirty.

Same with indoor bins, untidiness etc. He's on his own - it shouldn't get that bad.

Ok - he's tired, he forgets to open a window, dumps clothes on the bedroom floor - fine. But the rest - NO!

It's not just expecting you to come back and clean up his sh!t (literally!), but he knows you will be bringing your small children into a filthy, unhygienic house - there may be things lying about amongst his cr@p that they could hurt themselves on.

Don't apologise for your actions - you did the right thing, He needs showing up. I also think you did the right thing taking the pictures down once you'd made your point.

Not being funny, but with these farms and caravans and multiple holiday let's you don't sound poor.

Just hire a cleaner.

I'm not a farmer's wife but have noticed an inability of some men to leave toilets/bathrooms in a mess that would put a pigsty to shame. There's no need for it.

Today is another day.

...should have said ability not inabiity....🙄

She doesn’t need a cleaner! She needs a H who does his bit!

@dinoice has your H got in touch to apologise?

Dont let this pass without having a proper talk with him. It sounds like you’re carrying all the burden of a home, work, children and dogs. All he has to do is work and that is not a fair distribution. He needs to come up with ways he can contribute to the housework and children.

Don't shelve the kids holidays for a few years FFS. Going off to the caravan with their mum in is the only way they get away!

They shouldn't both be knackered and knee deep in crap either, this only happens when the husband is left alone.

Well done OP. I would have gone mental. That's not just a little untidy it's absolutely filthy and should not be tolerated. Your not a servant and people need to clean up there own mess.

OP I get where you are because I’m similar, I made a post a few weeks ago about my husband being a miserable farmer and me carrying everything and I snapped at him which was a shit thing to do.

It’s a rough time of year, everyone was panicking about first cut with lack of rain and now it doesn’t appear to want to stop raining. We’re arable and the stress of these rain storms predicted with the desiccated rape crops is sending my husband over the edge. He got rained off yesterday and just sat in his chair in the room for about an hour.

I wanted to whinge at him to help me with stuff but I reined it in, he needs to have that time alone sometimes just to catch himself, farming (as you know!) is a rough arse career physically and mentally.

caravan breaks with 4 kids and 2 dogs is not relaxing, it’s not a break. Leave the dogs at home arrange a proper break with them and a friend/mum in summer hols to get away from it. Take care of yourself. X

Good morning

I was reading in the night and reflecting.

It's a strange world, sitting here five years ago, I was preparing for a big case and hoping that one day I would have a child.

Now I'm up to my eyes in them and exhausted, as many of you have noticed.

I'm very lucky, I don't doubt that for a second.

DH is one of five boys, very strong mother. She's my mental support, but she is now very frail and requires a lot of physical care which makes her very sad, so I do a lot of that.

I think that's what made me put them on the family chat, let your mother see how bad you are.

Anyway, as I said I have removed the photos, I have not apologised.

DH has calmed down and has accepted grudgingly, that the house was a mess. I will go back tonight.

It's not just silage, we literally crash lambing, into calving, into silage. Into clipping, into harvest, into drilling and ploughing, into tups and bulls out and start again. It never ever ends.

Sil is coming this morning and we will have a chat. She's messaged saying she is bringing breakfast. All their children are older and whilst I helped them lots, they are passed the toddler stage by far. However, I do need some adult company so maybe things will change.

Thank you all for your comments. I have a lot to think about.

I don't want to stop the holidays because whilst the farm life is lovely, the kids need a change and they love love the beach.

He's mad because he knows he's disgusting and bang out of order but has so little respect for you he expects you to put up with it and protect his image for the people he actually respects.

Get rid. He contributes nothing to your life. What's the point of him?

@Anotherfarmerswife yes absolutely. Whilst I struggle his mental health is fragile. Crops have failed, need redone, costs are spiralling, I get he's stressed.

The sleeping without washing, straw and poo are the things that tipped me. Windows, unmade beds, cupboard doors, that really wasn't the issue.

I'm exhausted just reading that OP, glad you took a stand. Your DCs are young and you need your DH to realise you're not just a member of staff you're his wife, you should be a team and he should be grateful he has you.

I'm a farmers daughter and farming is relentless, it's one thing after another.

OP, you are a hell of a woman. Much respect to you.

But you need to access support, somehow, if you're going to carry on. Everyone has a breaking point. I hope your SiL's visit helps.

I think that you taking and publishing those photos to other very involved family members was INSPIRED! So please do not beat yourself up over it.

Am another poster also applauding sending the photos. Hold your ground! You did nothing wrong. Don’t let your DH exploit your good nature and your guilt at standing up for yourself. Don’t waste the opportunity to make changes by backtracking. Act as if your solicitor self is advising your mother/wife self.

Those saying ’talk to him’ I’d lay any amount of money that talking alone would achieve nothing. That sending the photos to him alone would achieve nothing. Sometimes the only way to trigger realisation is bringing in an outside perspective. Which you instinctively did by sending the photos to everyone. If he feels embarrassed and ashamed it’s only because he doesn’t want his wider family to know he’s a pig. But fine for you to know.

Yes farming is hard, but so is raising a family (4 under 5!!). DH does not understand or appreciate how much bloody effort looking after 4 children is or appreciate the work required to keep a household running. Plus, you clearly care about how he feels (looking after 35 friends, leaving a clean house, dinners and lunches for him). So I hope that he can stop focusing exclusively on how he feels to also care about how you feel. Reciprocation matters.