I sent the photos. AIBU?

[dinoice]

Will try and summarise.

Was professional, now I'm at home.

DH rented family farm, rural, scene from Walton's, three brothers and families, all older children, and his parents.

I have four under five. Sick of no holidays, so bought a wee caravan and put it on a field at the coast, about forty minutes drive.

DH, always working, fine, good dad, I accept I married into it.

Friday, huge gathering of friends from Australia, I catered it. So 35 for breakfast, Cleared up, put kids in car, went to caravan.

DH on silage, I left
Clean beds
House clean
Meals in freezer and slow cooker
Stuff for lunches, made.

I took, four kids, two dogs and left one who is tricky.

I came back today, because all have a horrid cough and I needed to wash some bedding and regroup.

I picked up a shop, arrived home.

I found
Garden covered in dog poo
Windows shut, bedroom stinky, clothes not changed before bed.
Cupboard doors open, straw all over carpet.
Toilets filthy, trainspotting style.
House a tip.
Bins overflowing.

So, I considered cleaning it, but then I thought no, I'm done.

So I fed kids, put shop away, collected third dog, took photos and headed back to caravan. Did a wash there, fed kids and then the rage took over.

Then, this is when I should have left it. I sent the photos to the family farm group.

There was all the comments of where are you, were you not due back today, blah blah.

So I saw red and put the pictures on.

DH is cross, he is busy, blah blah. But it's been raining. I'm busy, I haven't slept in years.

So. Yes I probably shouldn't have shared the photos but I lost it. I should clarify, I get NO help. Ever. I am not part of the business. I run my own. I bought myself, two successful holiday let's.

I'm not going to leave him but I hope I have got the point across. Badly albeit.

It must just be me but I couldn't really follow your OP.

What's the family farm group?

Who made the mess, the 35 breakfast guests from Australia or your DH on his own?

When you say he's rented a farm who are the brothers, his brothers or people he's renting the farm from?

@WildUnchartedWaters I've accepted that. But a week at a car an with four small children unwell and two dogs is not exactly a spa day.

@goodmenandwomen the WhatsApp family group.

He made the mess alone, I catered that, for his friends before I left.

They were visiting him having Been there 25 years ago, I have no issue with that.

Rented farm as in none of them own it, it's a tenancy between brothers and in-laws

No, but you chose to go there?

@WildUnchartedWaters yes absolutely. I chose to take them myself and frequently do due to no family holidays. That's fine.

I just didn't expect to come home to that mess. For one adult.

unless I've missed them, nobody seems to have applauded OP for doing it though? All the posts are along the lines of acknowledging the photos weren't ideal but understanding how she got to breaking point, and saying the DH working hard was not an excuse.

Also lets be honest how likely is it that a woman alone WOULD have ever let her house get to such a state in just a few days regardless of how busy she was.
Not because women are innately more tidy then men but because of the social conditioning that it's not really their job/lack of societal shaming.

Working hard isn't an excuse - millions of people work hard, if they don't have a partner to pick up the slack they don't just live in hovels and die of starvation, they HAVE to do the basic necessities. OP isn't complaining about a bit of ironing piling up, but the absolute bear minimum of cleaning your own (literal) shit up and shutting doors behind you - things small children understand and almost take less effort not to do than to do.

That, I can understand, and as I previously said I'm.sorry for the situation that you are in.

We appear to be reading a different thread.
The sexist statement about womens houses - that's a different topic altogether.
We can agree that shes at breaking point and I've said I feel awful for her story.

So your DH made a mess of the farmhouse he and his family are renting and you took photos of it and put them on a WhatsApp group for his family to see?

It's quite a shaming, passive aggressive kind of intervention. Sounds like you could do with an improvement in your communication in the relationship rather than trying to triangulate others into it.

I have four under five.

That's more than enough for anyone. Be gentle with yourself, OP. xxx

I wouldn't have shared photos with his family, but the house sounded disgusting, so you were right not to clean it

If someone left me all those lovely home cooked meals so that I didn’t have to cook I would be grateful and appreciate them.

There is no way that I would reciprocate by disrespecting the family home and refusing to clean up after myself and disrespecting the person who cared for me enough to go the extra mile for me.

If I disrespected someone who went to all that effort for me and they became furious and took photos of the filthy mess I left for them to clean up and then posted them on Facebook, I would be upset but I would know that I bloody well deserved it.

Why should you get a kicking? Does the farm even support you and the dc financially or do you support your dc from your business? Regardless, you get no support at home looking after the dc and he wants your support cleaning up after him when he’s home alone?? I’d be telling him I will cook any crap left lying around up and feeding it to him for the next week! Posting the photos seems a very moderate reaction tbh, I can’t imagine the rage you must feel.

I used to work incredibly long hours in a hospital, some days 14 hour shifts, working a mixture of nights and days, sometimes 9 days in a row, so I was beyond exhausted and I have never ever let my house get to that state. If you’re that tired you usually come home, pop a microwave meal in, have a shower then go to bed, there’s just no excuse for leaving that kind of mess, especially the toilet, it’s disgusting, so no I don’t blame you at all. I couldn’t stay married to someone that thinks it’s okay to leave a toilet looking like a scene from trainspotters.

He is disgusting. It takes a matter of minutes to give the loo a quick clean. A decent adult doesn't leave the loo in a filthy state after use.

I don't blame you for posting those photos.

What is the message he is sending here? "I'll leave this (literal) shit for @dinoice to clean up she's only been looking after 4 sick kids under 5. It's women's work"

I'm glad you got some support from your SIL

Well I'm reading this thread and couldnt see where anyone has applauded op for posting photos...if you can quote examples from whatever thread you've read, please, go for it.

No thanks.

If he's embarrassed by other people seeing it, he should have been embarrassed by you having to come home to it.
Whether you are unreasonable depends on the accompanying text

God love you OP, you sound truly amazing.

You clearly married down.

No man with an ounce of self respect would have their wife come home to such filthy facilities.

He's really disgusting.

I would get the Ick from him and such selfishly.

As for the photos?

Whatever.

He has so little respect for himself, it must be hard for him to be shamed.

Mind yourself, you deserve so much better.

No kicking here. The man is a pig.

Well done OP it’s not on, he’s assumed incorrectly that you’ll mop up after him

It’s a classic case of man knows this is totally shit but wants his wife to keep it secret. Don’t do that, don’t take the shame on yourself or do the work to cover it up. Kudos for sharing the photos personally. He is happy to argue with her about cleaning it up but when other people are looking at it he knows it’s embarrassing. These men know it’s not ok they just think the woman in their life will cover for them.

Exactly this!

Why should women keep quiet? Not that long ago women were expected to keep quiet about domestic violence. We're still being silenced now. We carried all the shame for men's behaviour. That shame needs to be pushed back, hard, to where it belongs.

If there's shame in those pics, it's not OP's doing.

Sorry what is a trainspotting toilet?

Don’t Google it @Blondewithredlips 💩