Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

the "shitty" attitude is not to become the MIL from hell, miffed if the whole world doesn't revolve around her, making demands and disregarding her DIL feelings and needs and in constant competition with the other grand-parents.

I take that.

If your son is 3 and a half and you are already making a drama about your daughter-in-law to be, you need to take a hobby and learn to chill, it's not healthy and it's not normal. They haven't even started school yet 😂😂

I think that some elements are natural and unavoidable.

I joined my ILs family as a grown adult. My relationship with them is contingent on being his wife.

My child will join their family from the moment he is born.

My parents are mostly concerned with my health and wellbeing in the pregnancy.

ILs have one eye on the future, immediate member of their family. Above even their own son.

I don't resent these natural things, but it's hard not to feel a bias towards the people who value and prioritise me over their own wants.

Plus the fact that MIL is lovely, but she comes with an unfortunate side serving of FIL.

Clichés are clichés precisely because they are usually true. My situation with DH and PILs isn’t like that for reasons I’ve already given and is much closer to the one you’ve described, but it’s not the norm.

... Even if that's true, why might the DIL object, do you think?

I see my ILs every week (sometimes multiple times a week), because they're pleasant people to be around. If they weren't, or they just viewed seeing me as a means to get access to the GC which they believed was their "right," then yes I would probably get tired of them pretty quickly and might object to spending every Sunday with them or whatever.

You have a bee in your bonnet though and I suspect nothing is going to get through so I'm gonna go now. 👋

I think both grandmothers should be on the same base level. They are equally related to the grandchild, my MIL is genetically connected to my DC the same amount as my own mum.

I understand some women will want their own mother as a birth partner etc. in the early days or more postpartum help but that’s only a small amount of time. Beyond that both grandmothers should have equal opportunity to bond and spend time.

I don’t want the world to revolve around me, I’m not making demands, I’m not disregarding anyone’s feelings. Again you’re putting words in my mouth (and insulting me). I’m hoping for equality, which, according to you, makes me entitled.

Well, actually, yes, you're right how that thread would go. But the point is that it doesn't have to be like this because the basic premise is flawed.

Practically from day 1, if DH had said he was taking the DC to his mum's / random other person/ scuba diving on a Sunday for a few hours, I'd have howled with gratitude and would have been packing the nappy bag the night before to facilitate their departure. But if he'd told me that I had to spend every Sunday with her to facilitate the DC's relationship, I'd have been livid.

Similarly, the scenario you post about, 9/10 it turns out that the DH (your DS) did football all day saturday, leaving his wife to have the kids for a 6th day, and then wants to hang out with MIL on Sunday.

Bring up your DS to understand that they will have to make compromises too when they have children - they might have to skip the pub, or cut back on golf or go to work tired sometimes becuase they've done the night feeds - and make sure they are willing and able to look after their children alone, and then maybe you'll get that lovely relationship you're looking for becuase your sons will have made it happen.

Yes, please do.

I maybe should have phrased my post better and yes I agree that relationships with in-laws should be mutually beneficial.
I don’t understand why the honour to be a GP must be earned for DH’s family only. Should both families not be respectful to each other even before children come into the picture?

I do not envision myself to be a pushy MIL, but if I saw GC had this amazing relationship with maternal GP’s but for my side to not be included or viewed as imposing, yes I would be upset, and I read this a lot on MN.
I don’t think it’s fair to be viewed as the “other” grandparents because our child was a boy.

You're being way too passive and accepting. You have the opportunity to shape your DS and how they think and behave. Do it now and you'll reap the benefits in 30 years when they're having children. It might be the global norm to have a better balance, but it certainly is around where I am and I hope it's only going to increase.

I'm interested to see how things are with millennial MILs.

I find that many (of course, not all) older women doted on their sons and expected a lot more from their daughters.

When their sons grew up and got into relationships some MILs could often be too full on and nosey. I expect or hope this will change in future where things are more equal between sons and daughters!

yes, that is correct, you are not the equal of someone else's mother and you will not be. You have a few years to accept that.

You sons might be gay, for all you know, you will never have to deal with a daughter-in-law anyway. If you start with one already on the wrong foot as you are now, it won't be pretty.

I think what’s key is the respect for boundaries from MIL. So many MILS have no respect for DILS boundaries and they sour the relationship from early on and it often can never be fully repaired.
This is coming from someone who was argued with and shouted at whilst still in the hospital bed, one day after emergency c section with preeclampsia. And that’s not even the worst of it.

I adore my MIL, FIL too, but I have had some horrors in the past inlaw wise. My current ones are chilled, respect our relationship and have always made me feel welcome. In fact we spend every Christmas there and I know that makes her really happy.

🤣 Good luck with that future DIL.

yes, that is correct, you are not the equal of someone else's mother and you will not be. You have a few years to accept that.

And my point is, why the hell not? Taking the immediate aftermath of childbirth out of the equation, why should I accept not being equal?

Got to say, I'm finding this thread useful food for thought.... long time till I'll be a MIL but still good to think about how to/how not to!

It depends. If getting equal GC access involves your DIL having to facilitate it and have you turn up at the house when she is exhausted and bleeding copiously post Labour/birth and quite possibly in pain and needing help with things for herself then yes it’s pretty entitled to assume she has to make herself comfortable with you being there when she may not be that close to you in place of her own parents. If it involves your child bringing them to see you regularly so partner gets a break when they are big enough to not be with you constantly for feeds for example it wouldn’t be unreasonable at all.

My MiL is “fine” they never lived close to us and they think the sun shines out of husbands sister. Every conversation comes back to her and they have little interest in DH. (Which annoys me as I obviously think he’s amazing). So we don’t have a good relationship as they have no interest in us. If I was lucky enough to have a baby if they suddenly started taking an interest in my family (e.g. my baby) I would be a bit discombobulated as it would be obvious why the change. I see them as people we would go and sit and have tea with but realistically it would my my mum and probably my Aunty that I would be crying down the phone to for help. I see them as the type of grandparents that will just send a nice card on birthdays. But hey only time will tell.

Beyond that both grandmothers should have equal opportunity to bond and spend time.

Agree if they are both respectful and considerate towards the mum and dad raising the child. I don’t think equal opportunity works if a grandparent is ignoring and overstepping boundaries that the parents have put in place; The types who think just because they raised their children decades ago, they automatically know better and can place the same ways of parenting then on their grandchildren now.

You are bang on. I never meant in my original post to complain about equality only for the first few weeks. I’m talking about being a grandparent overall. If your daughter has two sets of grandparents that are viewed and loved equally, you get along with your MIL, your partner gets along with your parents and you are ALL truly a family, then this the dream in my eyes.

yes, but the point was that if don't give the respect and space to the mother at the birth, when she is at the most vulnerable, you cannot complain that the relationship is sour from the start.

There's a high amount of people refusing to accept that their own behaviour is the reason for a strained relationship.

Honestly, I think you need to take a step back here. Your DIL will NOT see you the same way she sees her mother. That's normal and natural. Similarly, if you do it right, your DS will not see her mother the same way he sees you.

There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be an "equal" grandparent. But if you expect this to be managed by your DIL you're in for big surprise.

I think there’s a lot of generalisation going on.

I have had two MILS. First one was absolutely lovely. Second one was bloody awful. My own mother is the MIL of nightmares and I am NC with her.

I get along very well with DIL. I support her, and on the rare occasion DS says something I think is rude to her, I will pull him up on it in front of her.

It’s about individual people and how they build relationships with others. Not the name of the relationship itself.

I think the issue with offering is a lot of newish mums will find an offer as an expectation and being pushy and not welcome it. So its a bit of a no win. Especially if the mum is sensitive and thinks someone saying "shall i do your ironing whilst you nap' is the same as saying 'you are unable to cope" or someone saying 'ill take them to a baby group so you can rest' is a sign they are trying to take over and havent realised its not thier baby. And in some instances the dil will be right!

Some people have very complicated relationships.