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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH's family to have shown concern

121 replies

subscripto · 12/07/2023 14:37

I am early forties, and have been married to DH for 20 years. We have 5 DC, aged 15 - 8.
We live abroad and all of our family is in the UK.
I am very close with my family, they visit regularly and are always in contact with us and the kids. DH's family are less involved and they don't come to visit us often, they wait for us to come to them. That said, it's all a lot of fun when we are together and I would say that we are a happy family. Both sets of parents keep in basic contact, they send each other Christmas and birthday cards etc. Both sets of parents are retired and financially comfortable.

Last month, I had a hysterectomy. I didn't tell many people as I was struggling with the concept of it and managing DC's emotions (3 DC had anxiety surrounding it). I also work as a teacher and was making sure all end of year things such as reports, planning and generally preparing the students for my absence. DH did tell his DP and DB when we were planning the date of the op and preparing all of the logistics.

My mum came over to stay for a month to help and there has been regular messages from my family members, just checking in on me. I was in the hospital for 6 days.

We have a lot of friends in our community and again, I didn't tell them but word soon spread and we have felt very cared for as a family.

PIL said nothing at all to me prior to the op, although DH did remind them a week before. MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was. They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation.

Today I was talking to SIL. She asked why I hadn't come to the uk this summer, and I said because I had an operation. She said 'oh yeah, DH mentioned that. Hope recovery is all good.'

The operation went smoothly, I have recovered very nicely and feel rested.

But, my feelings are so incredibly hurt by PIL, BIL and SIL. I feel like they have really shown how much I mean to them. Of course, I won't say anything. Am generally quite a positive person so I know they would be quite shocked if I said anything.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I am trying to give my head a big shake and just get on with life, but the silence has been deafening...

OP posts:
WellThisWentWell · 12/07/2023 14:46

How are they usually around operations and illnesses and things in this nature?
Do they talk about and share about bodily functions, are they private people?

Did you have conflicting or otherwise strong feelings and thoughts around/about the hysterectomy, and now are kind of putting it on your PIL etc?

SweetAsIcedChocolate · 12/07/2023 14:48

I didn’t even mention my hysterectomy to my own DF or brother. I knew ‘womens issues’ isn’t something they’d want to discuss.
DM & DSis knew, and both came to see me once for a cuppa & to see how I was.

DH mentioned it in passing to the in-laws, & his cousin & aunt we are close to. I was really surprised to get flowers from the aunt, no one else has mentioned my hysterectomy other than asking DH ‘how’s sweet?’ once or twice & I wouldn’t expect them to tbh, even though we spend every Christmas with BIL & family.

They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation
Why would they? I’d feel it really inappropriate if anyone asked me why I needed one. I’m sure it would make them feel uncomfortable to know the reasons why so, sensibly, they don’t ask.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Babadook76 · 12/07/2023 14:51

It’s a personal, private operation in which you were heavily supported by friends and family. You received multiple messages from your mil, and even a card which I actually think is ott. I wouldn’t have even mentioned it to your siblings in law. It’s none of their business, and I’d only expect them to be concerned if something had gone wrong. What are you expecting from people exactly? What did you want them to do?

Wenfy · 12/07/2023 14:52

Actually I think they respected you immensely by not asking.

Mangogogogo · 12/07/2023 14:52

I would never, ever ask someone why they needed a hysterectomy so I find it strange that you find it rude they haven’t?

and Tbf they have texted you after but tbh in a different country it’s just not that big of a deal to others. I would expect my mam to wait on me hand and foot, of course, but I wouldn’t expect my mil to give a shit ata ll tbh

CamCola · 12/07/2023 14:52

Why would you want them to ask you why you needed the operation? That seems odd to me.

I wouldn’t send more then a message or 2 max to my SIL saying hope you are ok… specially if we hardly saw each other.

You MIL sent a card and a few messages. That’s enough.

Sirzy · 12/07/2023 14:54

I would never ask anyone why they were having any procedure. It’s none of my business and if someone wanted me to know they would tell me.

they have shown concern. They just haven’t dug for information they don’t need.

Fiddlerdragon · 12/07/2023 14:54

Mangogogogo · 12/07/2023 14:52

I would never, ever ask someone why they needed a hysterectomy so I find it strange that you find it rude they haven’t?

and Tbf they have texted you after but tbh in a different country it’s just not that big of a deal to others. I would expect my mam to wait on me hand and foot, of course, but I wouldn’t expect my mil to give a shit ata ll tbh

100% this. Why on earth would you want your in laws to be phoning up and asking about your hysterectomy? Or whatever it is you expected them to do?

Whaleandsnail6 · 12/07/2023 14:55

I actually think they have behaved fine. Your mil sent a card and messages to check how you are and your sil said she hoped recovery was going well.

drpet49 · 12/07/2023 14:55

Babadook76 · 12/07/2023 14:51

It’s a personal, private operation in which you were heavily supported by friends and family. You received multiple messages from your mil, and even a card which I actually think is ott. I wouldn’t have even mentioned it to your siblings in law. It’s none of their business, and I’d only expect them to be concerned if something had gone wrong. What are you expecting from people exactly? What did you want them to do?

This. It’s all very over the top reaction from people for a routine operation

itsmylife7 · 12/07/2023 14:56

Maybe they're on MN and thought you tell them to mind their own business about why you needed the operation?

Ask too much...overbearing

Don't ask too much but send card and message...don't care enough !
glad it all went well for you.

Fiddlerdragon · 12/07/2023 14:57

Babadook76 · 12/07/2023 14:51

It’s a personal, private operation in which you were heavily supported by friends and family. You received multiple messages from your mil, and even a card which I actually think is ott. I wouldn’t have even mentioned it to your siblings in law. It’s none of their business, and I’d only expect them to be concerned if something had gone wrong. What are you expecting from people exactly? What did you want them to do?

I also didn’t know that getting your lady bits removed was a hallmark occasion

PowerBMI · 12/07/2023 14:57

I think you are hugely over reacting.

Mil sent a card and has sent multiple messages enquiring how you are.

It slipped Sils mind while talking to you but then she said she hoped you are healing well.

It’s rude to ask people medical details. It’s really down to you to volunteer the information.

and, assuming your dh reminded them about the operation and expressed how anxious you and the kids were and it was a stressful time? They may not have wanted to bring it up to you.

BendingSpoons · 12/07/2023 14:57

This may be partly different expectations. My MIL would definitely ask why and I would hate it! Your SIL did sound quite insensitive to the situation. How old is she? She may not see it as such a big deal due to no real experience and may not register the recovery time. My siblings would definitely think 'operation in June, they'll be fine to travel in August'.

It does sound like it is part of a bigger picture of lack of effort on their parts. Unfortunately this is the way some families are: when people move away, they are expected to do all the travelling.

stayathomer · 12/07/2023 14:59

I’m so sorry op but a hysterectomy is as others have said, something I would see as very private. Also my mother said she never knew all the emotions around one until she had one, and mil said the same. I’ll be honest and awful but I always just saw it as something people had done, I’d have had the same reaction as your sil. I think until people go through things in general they don’t see it as a big deal and then they realise the enormity. I’m sorry you’re so hurt by it x

AffIt · 12/07/2023 15:00

I would never in a million years ask somebody why they were having a procedure or for the most part even ask why they were in hospital, although close friends or family would probably volunteer the information.

I think your husband's family behaved very well here and that you are massively over-reacting.

Why were your children suffering from anxiety and your mother felt the need to travel to be with you for a month for what is a relatively straightforward and common procedure with a well-documented recovery timeline? TBH, I think you're the one who is BveryU here.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/07/2023 15:02

Yep, it's "women's issues".

But how do you mean "I didn't come over this summer?" We don't even break up for another two weeks.

Eventhedog · 12/07/2023 15:02

YABU, she sent a card and messaged, how much more did you want? I imagine everyone thought you'd like to keep the reason behind the op personal. I never, ever ask someone why they're going in to hospital, I assume if they are ok with me knowing then they'll just tell me.

NeedleFeltedFox · 12/07/2023 15:02

It sounds like you had an awful lot of fuss made of you from absolutely everyone around you and that might have skewed your expectation of what is normal. I think your IL have reacted perfectly normally.

Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 15:02

PIL said nothing at all to me prior to the op, although DH did remind them a week before. MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was. They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation.

Surely it's none of their business why you needed it? It would be incredibly weird to ask, it's a pretty personal operation.
Usually if inlaws asked this then they would be interfering and nosey.

MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was.

I really wouldn't go as far as to say they haven't shown concern, this sounds like a pretty normal reaction from long distance inlaws.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/07/2023 15:03

What were you expecting them to do op? Genuine question. They sent a card, they enquired how you were, hoped recovery was going well. Sounds perfectly fine to me. Medical things are no one’s business, why on earth would they ask why you needed the surgery? Very intrusive.

NeedleFeltedFox · 12/07/2023 15:04

Did your DH remind them you were having an operation to make sure they showed an appropriate level of interest? Did you tell him to?

Toniii · 12/07/2023 15:05

I'd never ask someone why, that's up to the person to come forward with that information without being asked. You've been very secretive about it all, told some people at the last minute and then been upset when they haven't done whatever is you wanted them to do! I've had a hysterectomy, only told close family and friends (why woukd I even want everyone else knowing my business), and I told them the reason because why on earth would they have asked! If you want them to know tell them. If you don't, don't be upset with them!

Hugasauras · 12/07/2023 15:06

Sounds like an entirely normal level of interaction and concern shown.

almostoverthehill · 12/07/2023 15:07

I’m more concerned about the anxiety you’ve projected onto your children.

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