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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH's family to have shown concern

121 replies

subscripto · 12/07/2023 14:37

I am early forties, and have been married to DH for 20 years. We have 5 DC, aged 15 - 8.
We live abroad and all of our family is in the UK.
I am very close with my family, they visit regularly and are always in contact with us and the kids. DH's family are less involved and they don't come to visit us often, they wait for us to come to them. That said, it's all a lot of fun when we are together and I would say that we are a happy family. Both sets of parents keep in basic contact, they send each other Christmas and birthday cards etc. Both sets of parents are retired and financially comfortable.

Last month, I had a hysterectomy. I didn't tell many people as I was struggling with the concept of it and managing DC's emotions (3 DC had anxiety surrounding it). I also work as a teacher and was making sure all end of year things such as reports, planning and generally preparing the students for my absence. DH did tell his DP and DB when we were planning the date of the op and preparing all of the logistics.

My mum came over to stay for a month to help and there has been regular messages from my family members, just checking in on me. I was in the hospital for 6 days.

We have a lot of friends in our community and again, I didn't tell them but word soon spread and we have felt very cared for as a family.

PIL said nothing at all to me prior to the op, although DH did remind them a week before. MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was. They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation.

Today I was talking to SIL. She asked why I hadn't come to the uk this summer, and I said because I had an operation. She said 'oh yeah, DH mentioned that. Hope recovery is all good.'

The operation went smoothly, I have recovered very nicely and feel rested.

But, my feelings are so incredibly hurt by PIL, BIL and SIL. I feel like they have really shown how much I mean to them. Of course, I won't say anything. Am generally quite a positive person so I know they would be quite shocked if I said anything.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I am trying to give my head a big shake and just get on with life, but the silence has been deafening...

OP posts:

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 12/07/2023 16:30

Seriously 😐

What more did you want them to do?

They’ve done what they could in the circumstances, you sound completely self-absorbed

canpinkydance · 12/07/2023 16:36

subscripto · 12/07/2023 15:56

I am sure they do care, I have been part of their family for decades. As I said, we are usually a happy family who enjoy each others company when we are all together.

I cannot imagine not even picking up the phone in this instance though.

But, different strokes for different folks, and a reality check is always good, (hence why I posted rather than saying anything to DH).

Thank you to all for responding.

But presumably if MIL messaged you a few times asking how you were that was her communicating with you directly?

It sounds like you're a phone call person. Many many people are not. It would not occur to me to actually phone you. I would certainly message you as your MIL did.

sonjadog · 12/07/2023 16:36

I think when it comes to medical procedures, the polite thing is to take the cues from the person involved. So if they don't tell you voluntarily, then you don't enquire. Asking discreetly is almost worse than asking directly as it sounds like you know well you should mind your own business but can't help yourself!

I think some texts and a card was plenty of attention, and your PiL behaved fine.

Namechangenoo · 12/07/2023 16:36

I feel like they were uncomfortable to ask you anything, due to it being a hysterectomy. But a card and messages asking how you are is a show of concern for you.

FloweryName · 12/07/2023 16:38

Your Mil sent a card and messaged to ask how you were. You have nothing to feel hurt about and are being silly.

changeyerheadworzel · 12/07/2023 17:18

It's a routine operation, nothing out of the ordinary. 55,000 a year are done. You are being absolutely ridiculous. The fact 3 of your kids had anxiety around it shows how much of a big deal was made of it. Your mother came for a month? Word spread in the community? FFS. Much ado about nothing.

Windblownwife · 12/07/2023 17:20

Every family is different. It sounds like they were thinking of you, sent their love and thoughts, but respected your privacy. Do you feel that, if you ever really needed them, they would be there for you and your family? If you think they would, you may need to accept them for who they are, even if they're different from what you would expect from your own family. There are enough reasons to get upset with each other in our modern world, I try to accept people for who they are and have faith :) I don't always succeed but I remind myself that's what I want to do!

Bumblepig · 12/07/2023 17:24

I think you’re overreacting. They don’t need to know why you had operation do they?

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 12/07/2023 17:28

Christ, I can't think of anything worse than being put on the spot by in-laws politely enquiring about my fibroids or whatever. They've done you a favour there, OP.

Caring but not intrusive.

Allthecheeseplease · 12/07/2023 17:32

subscripto · 12/07/2023 15:15

Ok, comments taken on board.

Personally, I would have appreciated a phone call to chat with me directly. This is what I would do for a close relative or friend who has had a routine, (but still major) operation. To be fair though, I would have given them a call, even for a minor procedure. I personally never send cards (ever) but I know that to some people, it is important, so can see that to some that is sufficient.

And I agree, whilst I wouldn't ask most people for the reason for an op, with close family I would have discreetly enquired. However, lots of people here have asked me why. (I do have a big standard response for this.). Not many people in our community are British, or even anglophone, it is a real mixture of cultures. Perhaps this has skewed my response to their reaction, as a PP said.

I shall continue trying to give my head a wobble, and to get over it.

Not trying to pile on but if someone rang me after I'd had any surgery, not to mind major surgery I would be so pissed off. If this is something you do maybe ask people if they'd like a call afterwards because I definitely wouldn't - or a visit. They sounded ideal to me.

Whataretheodds · 12/07/2023 17:36

They sound appropriate and respectful.

If my MIL or DIL or SIL had a gynae op and hadn't mentioned it to me herself I wouldn't raise it with her expect to ask how she was feeling and wish her a speedy recovery. I wouldn't dream of asking why it was needed especially if I'd only heard about it from your DH and he hadn't volunteered the information.

Saschka · 12/07/2023 17:38

Unless you generally have detailed discussions about your periods with your in-laws, I can’t imagine why you would want them to ask why you were having a hysterectomy.

There are basically only two reasons, either bad periods/fibroids, or cancer. They likely assumed your DH might have mentioned it if you had cancer, so that just leaves periods. And I would find it far ruder for my MIL to ask how heavy my periods were than to just send me a card hoping I was feeling better.

Saschka · 12/07/2023 17:41

And I agree, whilst I wouldn't ask most people for the reason for an op, with close family I would have discreetly enquired

If somebody doesn’t want to tell you details about their medical history, asking around on the quiet until someone else tells you is extremely rude. It is gossipy behaviour. If they don’t volunteer the information, you don’t need to know.

mambojambodothetango · 12/07/2023 17:58

My PILs wouldn't ask either. They care a lot but respect our privacy. I think it's nice they sent a card.

babbscrabbs · 12/07/2023 18:00

KrisAkabusi · 12/07/2023 15:12

I think you are being very unreasonable. They sent a card and asked on several occasions how you were doing. I have never asked anyone why they needed an operation. It's nobody's business and not a normal question to ask.

Agree with this.

Tbh I'd find much more quite intrusive.

SayHi · 12/07/2023 18:17

You had a personal medical procedure. They would have been rude to pry.

If you wanted them to know exactly what it was and why then you could have picked up the phone and explained it to them but because you didn’t they were right to respect your privacy.

I’m not sure what you wanted tbh and I’m not really sure how your DCs being anxious relates to you PIL and SIL.

SayHi · 12/07/2023 18:17

Saschka · 12/07/2023 17:41

And I agree, whilst I wouldn't ask most people for the reason for an op, with close family I would have discreetly enquired

I completely agree with this.

MrsCarson · 12/07/2023 18:28

I would never ask anyone not even a close relative, why they had a hysterectomy.
I'd only send a card and best wishes to an in-law or cousin, and enquire as to how you feel and hope you are getting better.
You are asking too much for people to get so involved with your surgery.

FatCatBum · 12/07/2023 20:25

It's a routine operation, nothing out of the ordinary. 55,000 a year are done. You are being absolutely ridiculous

I really hate comments like this as they are so bloody dismissive. Yes, of course to a Surgeon it's routine but to the individual having it done it can be a pretty big deal, and actually can take a lot of recovery time

changeyerheadworzel · 12/07/2023 20:33

FatCatBum · 12/07/2023 20:25

It's a routine operation, nothing out of the ordinary. 55,000 a year are done. You are being absolutely ridiculous

Yes, to the individual. Not her kids being anxiety ridden, her mother coming to care for her for a month and her complaining because her in laws didn't ask what was wrong with her womb? It's a bloody routine, run of the mill, every day op. She is talking about word spreading in the neighbourhood like she was getting a labotomy and her in laws did not ask the in's and out's of why it was being done? Madness.

yipeeyiyay · 12/07/2023 20:50

MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was. They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation.
Why in heavens name would they ask that? It would be incredibly rude to pry. If you wanted then ti know then it's down to you tell them. Most people would be horrified if their in laws went all nosey asking why I'd had a hysterectomy.

Today I was talking to SIL. She asked why I hadn't come to the uk this summer, and I said because I had an operation. She said 'oh yeah, DH mentioned that. Hope recovery is all good.'
Again pretty normal. She's your SIL. I'm not 100% clued up on the ins and outs if my SILs not they me.

You are sounding very self centred

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