to expect DH's family to have shown concern

[subscripto]

I am early forties, and have been married to DH for 20 years. We have 5 DC, aged 15 - 8.
We live abroad and all of our family is in the UK.
I am very close with my family, they visit regularly and are always in contact with us and the kids. DH's family are less involved and they don't come to visit us often, they wait for us to come to them. That said, it's all a lot of fun when we are together and I would say that we are a happy family. Both sets of parents keep in basic contact, they send each other Christmas and birthday cards etc. Both sets of parents are retired and financially comfortable.

Last month, I had a hysterectomy. I didn't tell many people as I was struggling with the concept of it and managing DC's emotions (3 DC had anxiety surrounding it). I also work as a teacher and was making sure all end of year things such as reports, planning and generally preparing the students for my absence. DH did tell his DP and DB when we were planning the date of the op and preparing all of the logistics.

My mum came over to stay for a month to help and there has been regular messages from my family members, just checking in on me. I was in the hospital for 6 days.

We have a lot of friends in our community and again, I didn't tell them but word soon spread and we have felt very cared for as a family.

PIL said nothing at all to me prior to the op, although DH did remind them a week before. MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was. They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation.

Today I was talking to SIL. She asked why I hadn't come to the uk this summer, and I said because I had an operation. She said 'oh yeah, DH mentioned that. Hope recovery is all good.'

The operation went smoothly, I have recovered very nicely and feel rested.

But, my feelings are so incredibly hurt by PIL, BIL and SIL. I feel like they have really shown how much I mean to them. Of course, I won't say anything. Am generally quite a positive person so I know they would be quite shocked if I said anything.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I am trying to give my head a big shake and just get on with life, but the silence has been deafening...

MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was. They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation.

All seems perfectly normal. I would never ask ANYONE why they needed an operation - that is information that is volunteered but never asked IMO.

Your mum sounds like a star for coming over to help for a month. Maybe your family being so involved/helpful have skewed your perception of what is bog standard?

And I agree I would never ask someone why they needed a hysterectomy, as it's not my business. If they wanted to tell me, then they would.

This!!

Children are anxious when you project anxiety onto them. I’ve had OP’s before and they knew just to leave me alone and that I could watch TV with them but do little else. They were certainly never anxious!

Are you me? I too had a full hysterectomy after repeated colposcopys. It wasn't PIL who were overseas but my own. I had 6 days in-patient then came home to a 7-yr old. Hubs had to be at work. My MIL came to help, my SILs, who I'm close to, just said ' get well soon, ring if you need us'. In my case there were complications later, but I certainly wasn't coddled nor did I expect fulsom effusions of worry / gifts / servant-level house staffing 😉

OP, your PIL's reactions sound normal to me. I do however think that you are more upset by the hysterectomy than you maybe realise and are projecting this onto your PIL's reactions.

Sending 🌹for a quick recovery.

As someone who’s had a hysterectomy I think you’re making a big thing of it. I would have thought it was intrusive if anyone I hadn’t told had asked me why. Your MIL did send a card and messages which was appropriate. However to the person who said their Mum was back at work after 5 days I thought I was doing well to get back after 5 weeks. I was in hospital for 4 days and the large incision was painful when I moved for a few weeks.

Do you really want them asking why you had the op?

Why were your children so anxious about it?

I think their behaviour was spot on and I wouldn’t personally have expected more.

I really don't understand your reaction. You had an planned operation which was not emergency surgery. Its pretty routine, although I know some women struggle with the process emotionally (personally I would be delighted to get it done). I really think the ILS responses were completely appropriate.

Oh, they don’t really care, OP.

It sucks to realise things like this. Focus on the love and care you did get.

You can't say you would have appreciated a phone call when you didn't even tell them about the operation! They heard second hand through your DH, as did the SIL.
You can't stand at arms length and then expect people to come running to you when it suits.

They sent a card and asked several times how the OP was after the operation, why would you assume they didn't care?

For PP who asked about my children, some were anxious about me going into hospital for an operation, full stop. The others were absolutely fine about it all and just went about their business as normal.

I do most of the childcare, they attend the school I teach in, I take them to their activities etc as DH works long days in the city. And so, they did notice that I wasn't around.

I played it all down to all of them and gave them age appropriate information and answered their questions as honestly as possible, as did DH and DM. As I said, I am generally a positive person and usually quite laid back about things so, no, I don't think I did pass on any of my own anxiety to them. They were all delighted when I came home (and bringing me lots of cups of tea, which was great!).

Their reaction to it seems appropriate. You didn’t tell them about it. If you were wanting chat then surely you’d tell them.
Dh told them, they sent a card super promptly and enquired after you. You didn’t need practical help as you had dh/teens/mum/friends there.
I wouldn’t dream of asking why. I’d assume it was medically necessary and a matter between them and the dr.

TheGreenSketch
Sorry to hear about your mum

What you talking about?

There’s no evidence that they don’t care. Are you being deliberately divisive?

@stayathomer thanks for this :) it’s harder than I even imagined.

I wouldn’t ask why you were having the op, that’s personal and up to you to volunteer the info. They did send you a card and some messages. I had a full hysterectomy a few years ago and I’ve got no idea if my in-laws sent me anything (I don’t remember). I was more focused on my recovery (which was quite a hard one).

I mean, I was just being kind to the OP. They sent a card at the behest of her H. I wouldn’t have personally done much more than that, maybe sent some flowers, but I would have checked in with the H shortly after to see how OP was.

I would say they are probably not very overt in their method of ‘care’. Perhaps it’s a bit ‘out of sight, out of mind’.

The OP and her family are obviously quite verbose with their feelings, that’s apparent as her children were so affected in the run up to her hospital trip.

I don’t think there’s much point dwelling on it though.

No, not deliberately. See my post above. I think the tone of my post has been misconstrued.

Why were your children so anxious? I think you are putting way too many expectations on others, and it sounds like that includes your children

Your MIL sent a card and several messages, I think that’s fine. Obviously I can understand why your FIL and BIL don’t want to get in to the logistics of why you need hysterectomy. Your SIL seemed a bit flippant, but on the whole I don’t think they have behaved badly. My parents do loads for us and rally round, my in-laws do F all, and that’s the way it is.

I wouldn’t dream of asking someone why they needed a hysterectomy. It would be so rude.

They sound very respectful. I really don’t understand your problem at all.

I'm so sorry to read about your DM and how others have behaved since @TheGreenSketch

I am sending you big unmumsnetty hugs.