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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH's family to have shown concern

121 replies

subscripto · 12/07/2023 14:37

I am early forties, and have been married to DH for 20 years. We have 5 DC, aged 15 - 8.
We live abroad and all of our family is in the UK.
I am very close with my family, they visit regularly and are always in contact with us and the kids. DH's family are less involved and they don't come to visit us often, they wait for us to come to them. That said, it's all a lot of fun when we are together and I would say that we are a happy family. Both sets of parents keep in basic contact, they send each other Christmas and birthday cards etc. Both sets of parents are retired and financially comfortable.

Last month, I had a hysterectomy. I didn't tell many people as I was struggling with the concept of it and managing DC's emotions (3 DC had anxiety surrounding it). I also work as a teacher and was making sure all end of year things such as reports, planning and generally preparing the students for my absence. DH did tell his DP and DB when we were planning the date of the op and preparing all of the logistics.

My mum came over to stay for a month to help and there has been regular messages from my family members, just checking in on me. I was in the hospital for 6 days.

We have a lot of friends in our community and again, I didn't tell them but word soon spread and we have felt very cared for as a family.

PIL said nothing at all to me prior to the op, although DH did remind them a week before. MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was. They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation.

Today I was talking to SIL. She asked why I hadn't come to the uk this summer, and I said because I had an operation. She said 'oh yeah, DH mentioned that. Hope recovery is all good.'

The operation went smoothly, I have recovered very nicely and feel rested.

But, my feelings are so incredibly hurt by PIL, BIL and SIL. I feel like they have really shown how much I mean to them. Of course, I won't say anything. Am generally quite a positive person so I know they would be quite shocked if I said anything.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I am trying to give my head a big shake and just get on with life, but the silence has been deafening...

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 12/07/2023 15:44

You're being very ott about the whole thing tbh. I don't think they did anything wrong.

My mum had a hysterectomy when I was 9, she was in hospital for a week. No one was anxious in the run up, we went to see her every day to being in edible food.

Maybe time to dial down the dramatics

Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 15:45

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 15:38

I mean, I was just being kind to the OP. They sent a card at the behest of her H. I wouldn’t have personally done much more than that, maybe sent some flowers, but I would have checked in with the H shortly after to see how OP was.

I would say they are probably not very overt in their method of ‘care’. Perhaps it’s a bit ‘out of sight, out of mind’.

The OP and her family are obviously quite verbose with their feelings, that’s apparent as her children were so affected in the run up to her hospital trip.

I don’t think there’s much point dwelling on it though.

Show quote history

There is nothing to suggest the DH asked them to send a card, if he hadn't been speaking to them about the operation they wouldn't have known at all since the OP never shared it herself. They then checkin in multiple times after her operation.

Why is telling the OP that people don't care about her based on a perfectly normal interaction "being kind"?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/07/2023 15:48

I have also had a total hysterectomy, ovaries, cervix etc. I also have a 12 inch lateral incision from my pubic bone almost to my breast bone. The first incision was 3/4 inches shorter but well above my belly button and I’ve had hernias since so they cut higher and opened up a sizeable section of the wound. Twice.

This is about the worst surgery you can get for a hysterectomy and the surgeon warned me it would take many months to recover. By fluke dh was managed out of his company within days of the surgery as I him around for about 5 months.

My in laws are also overseas, well FIL and cousins. They enquired about me in calls. No card. It took me many many months to get any kind of strength at all as I was so ill beforehand that part of me wanted to die on the operating table.

I had 4 nights in hospital. I think it’s lucky you had 6 and it’s great you had support, people asking after you, calling and sending a card.

PerspiringElizabeth · 12/07/2023 15:48

This is a damned if you do/damned if you don’t situation. No WAY would I want my FIL enquiring about my womb.

saraclara · 12/07/2023 15:49

I wouldn't dream of asking someone the reason for their hysterectomy! And I'd find it really odd if someone asked me!

I don't ask anyone for details about their medical procedures or tests. I just wish them the best and show sympathy, leaving it open for them to tell me as much or as little as they want. I wouldn't risk an international phone call specifically about one either, as it might pressurise the person having the op into feeling they have to give details.

The response you got from the in laws strikes me as absolutely normal considering that they live abroad. Your MIL did plenty, and I wouldn't really expect anything from a SIL who lived abroad.

AgnesX · 12/07/2023 15:51

How do they know how serious it was if you or your husband didn't say. Maybe he did say and they considered it quite personal so didn't want to bring it up. A lot of people don't really know much hysterectomies at the best of times.

Your Mum was there as was your husband, so for them they knew there wasn't anything to worry about.

What did you want, them to make a fuss?

pinkyredrose · 12/07/2023 15:54

And I agree, whilst I wouldn't ask most people for the reason for an op, with close family I would have discreetly enquired.

Why? Tbh a lot of people would find that intrusive. I'm of the opinion that my medical info is my private business, I'd hate family sticking their noses in.

StColumbofNavron · 12/07/2023 15:54

DH's family made daily enquiries via the family whatsapp when one of his siblings had a toothache. I've broken an actual limb and had one message directly to me from one person weeks ago and one in the group from one person (c. 15 people in said group). You have my sympathy.

moonrakerr · 12/07/2023 15:55

I would tiptoe around it too if you were my in-law living in a different country. Certainly wouldn't be calling up my in-law abroad to enquire about her latest uterus / vagina status!

With those very close to me, I am quite open about talking about female body parts and functions, as I feel there's learnt shame about those things in our society. HOWEVER, because there is learnt shame, not everyone is comfortable with it. So I wouldn't be the first one to bring it up to someone not that close.

That aside, even for a normal leg or hip op that I heard about through the grapevine, I wouldn't phone up or proactively text an in-law who was abroad. Some people are more private and I don't want to be intrusive (I'm not British btw, I'm from a communal culture, but there are private and open people in every culture). I might ask about it and express my good wishes the next time we saw each other.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 12/07/2023 15:55

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/07/2023 15:09

MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was. They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation

Sounds like perfectly polite non intrusive behaviour to me.

Totally agree.

I think this is a huge overreaction

Maddy70 · 12/07/2023 15:55

I honestly think your being way too needy over this. I wouldn't have had my mum over to "look after me",, I'm an adult and my husband can help me.

I also live abroad.

A hysterectomy is a common operation. Why do you think your sil isn't interested. I wouldn't be interested in my sil operation either it's not that I don't care about her I just wouldn't really give it head space.
Your mil sent a card. What more would you expect her to do.

Frankly you are being silly

Original poster
subscripto · 12/07/2023 15:56

I am sure they do care, I have been part of their family for decades. As I said, we are usually a happy family who enjoy each others company when we are all together.

I cannot imagine not even picking up the phone in this instance though.

But, different strokes for different folks, and a reality check is always good, (hence why I posted rather than saying anything to DH).

Thank you to all for responding. Grin

OP posts:
moonrakerr · 12/07/2023 15:57

StColumbofNavron · 12/07/2023 15:54

DH's family made daily enquiries via the family whatsapp when one of his siblings had a toothache. I've broken an actual limb and had one message directly to me from one person weeks ago and one in the group from one person (c. 15 people in said group). You have my sympathy.

The thing is, it's hard to gauge what level of "concern" someone who's not directly related to you might like. My family is very close and perfectly happy to harass each other out of concern on Whatsapp, but we wouldn't do the same to each other's spouses because they might dislike it. It would've been polite for at least 1 or 2 people to echo the concerned message to you in the group though, I agree.

Sallyh87 · 12/07/2023 15:58

I would be upset if my surgery was a topic of conversation amongst my in laws. I think they behaved in a way I would be happy about.

Hope your surgery went well.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/07/2023 16:01

It’s just different styles though. My mum is obsessed with cards and them being sent promptly. The card sounds nothing to do with dh.
You don’t know ins and outs of conversations between them.
They may have offered to help but dh reassured fine. When they enquired after it probably all sounded fine as it was all fine - she’s ok/resting and her mum is here.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 16:03

Honestly, I think they've behaved really decently.

They sent you a card and several follow-up messages after the operation to check up on you. That's absolutely plenty of contact considering you live abroad and don't really spend much time together.

You also say yourself that you chose not to share the reason for the surgery so it sounds like they're just respecting your privacy.

To me it sounds like your expectations are hugely unrealistic.

Spanielsarepainless · 12/07/2023 16:07

YABU. If someone didn't tell me the reason for an operation, I would respect their privacy and not ask. She sent a card, has stayed in touch and sounds a delight.

SallyWD · 12/07/2023 16:13

I actually think it's quite normal not to ask details about medical procedures. These things can be rather personal. My son recently had an operation on his testes and I told many people he was having surgery.I had to tell people because I needed time off work and he needed time off school. Anyway, not one person asked what type of surgery and I'm relieved about that. I didn't want to have to discuss my son's genitalia with colleagues etc. People know these things can be intimate/private and generally don't talk about it except to say "Hope you recover well" or something. I don't think you should take it too personally.Maybe they're trying to respect your privacy.

Original poster
subscripto · 12/07/2023 16:16

SallyWD · 12/07/2023 16:13

I actually think it's quite normal not to ask details about medical procedures. These things can be rather personal. My son recently had an operation on his testes and I told many people he was having surgery.I had to tell people because I needed time off work and he needed time off school. Anyway, not one person asked what type of surgery and I'm relieved about that. I didn't want to have to discuss my son's genitalia with colleagues etc. People know these things can be intimate/private and generally don't talk about it except to say "Hope you recover well" or something. I don't think you should take it too personally.Maybe they're trying to respect your privacy.

Thank you, this is a really helpful message. I hope that your DS is recovering well.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 12/07/2023 16:17

Babadook76 · 12/07/2023 14:51

It’s a personal, private operation in which you were heavily supported by friends and family. You received multiple messages from your mil, and even a card which I actually think is ott. I wouldn’t have even mentioned it to your siblings in law. It’s none of their business, and I’d only expect them to be concerned if something had gone wrong. What are you expecting from people exactly? What did you want them to do?

This. Plus, if someone told me they were having a hysterectomy, no way would I ask why

WimpoleHat · 12/07/2023 16:17

They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation.

Agree with others - I’d have considered it massively disrespectful for someone to ask something personal like that if I hadn’t chosen to do so. She sent a card and some messages; I think that invites a conversation if you want to initiate one. But if you didn’t, she probably just assumed it was “personal” and not something up for discussion.

strawberryandcreams · 12/07/2023 16:18

I hope the op went well and you are recovering.

I don't think you should expect people to come and visit you because you have chosen to live abroad. That is your decision.
Your MIL sent a card and messages. I think that's plenty. But I have low expectations in family.

SallyWD · 12/07/2023 16:19

subscripto · 12/07/2023 16:16

Thank you, this is a really helpful message. I hope that your DS is recovering well.

Show quote history

He is thank you. I hope you are too.

PowerBMI · 12/07/2023 16:19

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 15:38

I mean, I was just being kind to the OP. They sent a card at the behest of her H. I wouldn’t have personally done much more than that, maybe sent some flowers, but I would have checked in with the H shortly after to see how OP was.

I would say they are probably not very overt in their method of ‘care’. Perhaps it’s a bit ‘out of sight, out of mind’.

The OP and her family are obviously quite verbose with their feelings, that’s apparent as her children were so affected in the run up to her hospital trip.

I don’t think there’s much point dwelling on it though.

Show quote history

How is it kind to tell an Op her in laws do t care when it’s a lie?

canpinkydance · 12/07/2023 16:27

MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was.

I think this is a perfectly reasonable way of responding tbh? Isn't this what most MILs would do?

A hysterectomy isn't an unusual or rare op, it's pretty commonplace.

I wouldn't enquire as to why or ask for more information unless it was offered.

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