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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH's family to have shown concern

121 replies

subscripto · 12/07/2023 14:37

I am early forties, and have been married to DH for 20 years. We have 5 DC, aged 15 - 8.
We live abroad and all of our family is in the UK.
I am very close with my family, they visit regularly and are always in contact with us and the kids. DH's family are less involved and they don't come to visit us often, they wait for us to come to them. That said, it's all a lot of fun when we are together and I would say that we are a happy family. Both sets of parents keep in basic contact, they send each other Christmas and birthday cards etc. Both sets of parents are retired and financially comfortable.

Last month, I had a hysterectomy. I didn't tell many people as I was struggling with the concept of it and managing DC's emotions (3 DC had anxiety surrounding it). I also work as a teacher and was making sure all end of year things such as reports, planning and generally preparing the students for my absence. DH did tell his DP and DB when we were planning the date of the op and preparing all of the logistics.

My mum came over to stay for a month to help and there has been regular messages from my family members, just checking in on me. I was in the hospital for 6 days.

We have a lot of friends in our community and again, I didn't tell them but word soon spread and we have felt very cared for as a family.

PIL said nothing at all to me prior to the op, although DH did remind them a week before. MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was. They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation.

Today I was talking to SIL. She asked why I hadn't come to the uk this summer, and I said because I had an operation. She said 'oh yeah, DH mentioned that. Hope recovery is all good.'

The operation went smoothly, I have recovered very nicely and feel rested.

But, my feelings are so incredibly hurt by PIL, BIL and SIL. I feel like they have really shown how much I mean to them. Of course, I won't say anything. Am generally quite a positive person so I know they would be quite shocked if I said anything.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I am trying to give my head a big shake and just get on with life, but the silence has been deafening...

OP posts:

hedgehoglurker · 12/07/2023 15:07

Yes, sorry but I agree with most that YABU.

I had an abdominal hysterectomy. I don't think I heard from my overseas in-laws, as I imagine my husband didn't tell them. Or if he did, they would have passed their best wishes on through him at the time. I don't remember now as it wasn't a concern to me.

My husband took care of me and our young children. My family visited me in hospital, as I was in for 4 days.

No-one asked why I'd had it, as they rightly assumed it was my business to share as I saw fit. Not a secret though. After my third colposcopy, I decided to remove cervix before the repeated pre-cancerous cells could progress.

Thehop · 12/07/2023 15:07

I'm all fairness it's a routine operation. My mum was back at work 5 days after hers. You're expecting too much, theu sent a card and messaged which is more than I'd expect.

yogasaurus · 12/07/2023 15:07

It’s not news I would have wanted widely shared tbh. And I would want my DC to have anxiety around it, they would have been given bare information appropriate to their age.

yogasaurus · 12/07/2023 15:08

*would NOT want my Dc!

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 15:09

TBH OP if someone in my family is having an operation I wish them luck, check it went OK after then I get on with my life. It’s a big operation but it sounds like you have had incredibly good support and I’m not sure what a fuss the ILs potentially make of you would add to it.

Hope you’re ok anyway and it went well!

TheGreenSketch · 12/07/2023 15:09

I think I understand your feelings, OP. I thought I was very close to my in-laws, get on well with my H sisters and parents, but my mum has just died and bar the initial “sorry to hear it” they’ve been pretty horrible if I’m honest. It was only 2 weeks ago and at a family get together last weekend no-one said a word about it. They also blanked my birthday, so I guess sometimes all we put out we just don’t get back. I’m aware of my place in the hierarchy now for sure. Hope you’re recovering well from your hysterectomy 💐

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/07/2023 15:09

MIL posted a card, which arrived whilst I was in hospital. She sent a couple of messages when I was home to see how I was. They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation

Sounds like perfectly polite non intrusive behaviour to me.

MadamWhiteleigh · 12/07/2023 15:09

There are very few men who would willingly discuss the hysterectomy of a female relative.

Your MIL messaged and sent a card. She probably didn’t want to intrude too much or make too much fuss, especially as she didn’t know too much about the whys and wherefores.

yogasaurus · 12/07/2023 15:09

And I would ask anyone this. All sounds very over the top.

They have never enquired as to why I needed the operation.

cptartapp · 12/07/2023 15:09

I don't see what they've done wrong tbh.
Your DM came for a month? Over involved.
Your 3 DC are anxious about it?
Bit weird.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/07/2023 15:10

almostoverthehill · 12/07/2023 15:07

I’m more concerned about the anxiety you’ve projected onto your children.

I have to agree with this!

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 12/07/2023 15:10

Try and see it as they have been respectful of your privacy op.

InTheNameOfTheTeaBag · 12/07/2023 15:11

I think, it's nice of your mil that she sent you a card and asked about your recovery without being intrusive. They probably didn't realise how big a deal it is for you (I wouldn't have) and thought you'd ask if you needed their help.

Chocolatelabradorsarethebest · 12/07/2023 15:11

Babadook76 · 12/07/2023 14:51

It’s a personal, private operation in which you were heavily supported by friends and family. You received multiple messages from your mil, and even a card which I actually think is ott. I wouldn’t have even mentioned it to your siblings in law. It’s none of their business, and I’d only expect them to be concerned if something had gone wrong. What are you expecting from people exactly? What did you want them to do?

I completely agree with this, you've been very well supported and they have asked after you/sent a card.

Considering most on MN would be up in arms about their very private medical information being shared with in-laws/SIL/BIL (rightly so) I think your expectations might be a bit off.

elliejjtiny · 12/07/2023 15:12

Sorry but I think a card and a couple of messages from in-laws is good. I haven't had any major illnesses apart from c-sections, one with sepsis but when I am struggling with stuff like my dad dying or one of the dc being in hospital then the sympathy has been limited and I get told about various acquaintances who went though the same thing but carried on regardless.

However compared to the support from your own family the support from your in-laws isn't great.

KrisAkabusi · 12/07/2023 15:12

I think you are being very unreasonable. They sent a card and asked on several occasions how you were doing. I have never asked anyone why they needed an operation. It's nobody's business and not a normal question to ask.

CoalCraft · 12/07/2023 15:12

It was a routine procedure that, they probably assume, was elective. It's a bit of a non-event. Why on earth would you want such a fuss made? Sounds suffocating to me.

StephanieSuperpowers · 12/07/2023 15:13

If my brother told me SIL was going into hospital for a procedure, I probably wouldn't raise it with her on the basis that if she wanted to talk about it with me, she would have. If she went about it that way, I'd assume it was to let me know that she did not want to discuss it with me.

Hugasauras · 12/07/2023 15:13

Honestly OP, it was a big deal to you, of course it was, but to people who aren't you it's probably just a fairly routine op that you recovered from fine.

Why did three of your kids have such anxiety around it? Could your own high levels of anxiety around it all have rubbed off onto them and also maybe shifted your perspective of what is reasonable to expect from others? Because I think a card and some messages seeing how you are are perfectly adequate for that kind of op, but if your emotions were so strong and you were struggling by with it, then perhaps you are expecting a disproportionate level of response from your in-laws which is a reflection of your own feelings and not what's actually an appropriate level of concern?

Toniii · 12/07/2023 15:14

Thehop · 12/07/2023 15:07

I'm all fairness it's a routine operation. My mum was back at work 5 days after hers. You're expecting too much, theu sent a card and messaged which is more than I'd expect.

It's a major operation, with people spending up to 5 days in hospital. Recovery time of 6 to 8 weeks. I assume your Mum didn't have an abdominal hysterectomy if she was back at work in 5 days?!

hedgehoglurker · 12/07/2023 15:14

Thehop · 12/07/2023 15:07

I'm all fairness it's a routine operation. My mum was back at work 5 days after hers. You're expecting too much, theu sent a card and messaged which is more than I'd expect.

Your mum must be a superwoman! Perhaps laparoscopic surgeries are easier to recover from, but a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy is a major operation, not a routine surgery like you suggest. Recovery takes weeks/ months.

Original poster

subscripto · 12/07/2023 15:15

Ok, comments taken on board.

Personally, I would have appreciated a phone call to chat with me directly. This is what I would do for a close relative or friend who has had a routine, (but still major) operation. To be fair though, I would have given them a call, even for a minor procedure. I personally never send cards (ever) but I know that to some people, it is important, so can see that to some that is sufficient.

And I agree, whilst I wouldn't ask most people for the reason for an op, with close family I would have discreetly enquired. However, lots of people here have asked me why. (I do have a big standard response for this.). Not many people in our community are British, or even anglophone, it is a real mixture of cultures. Perhaps this has skewed my response to their reaction, as a PP said.

I shall continue trying to give my head a wobble, and to get over it.

OP posts:

Ghostlyfeet · 12/07/2023 15:16

I had an early hysterectomy last year. My recovery took nearly six weeks. Whilst I appreciate that some people are up and back at work in days and it's routine surgery to me it was a huge deal. As I imagine it was to the op. I don't think comments suggesting otherwise help.
As someone who also had an hysterectomy in their early 40s I also had a lot of interest in why I'd required one.
Im with you op I think it's weird they've had so little interest.

ApolloandDaphne · 12/07/2023 15:16

I think they behaved impeccably.

EvilElsa · 12/07/2023 15:16

I agree with some others that it's rude and intrusive to ask why someone had had an operation.
MIL sending a card and a few texts actually sounds perfect and just the level of interaction I'd want after an OP from inlaws. Without trying to sound harsh, they know the OP went well, you are a grown women with kids and a husband and her own parents -how much interaction did you want from them? What were your expectations? Everyone does have their own life going on as well, it probably didn't occur to them that you would want any fuss beyond a card and some check in messages.

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