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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister in law

112 replies

twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 01:35

My husbands sister invites my husband away with her on holiday 3 times a year. Her children have flown the nest, mine are only 11. She goes away with her husband but wants her two brothers there too. She says to him our children can come too, but they are at school or for the next one on summer holiday but of my daughters is having a minor procedure and can’t exercise for a month which includes swimming. Neither want to go anyway.

I explained to her years ago I was tired of going to the same resort year in year out so count us out now. So she knows I won’t ever go so now is trying to get my husband to bring the children or come by himself every time she goes away. We have our own family holiday where we go somewhere different every year.

mu children get very upset by his holidays without them, one cries so much , begs him not to go, and I can’t get her into school.

this has happened twice in the last year so I text my sil tonight to say my daughter is very upset, my husbands place is at home wirh his daughters over summer not with anyone else.

she text back it’s not up to her what goes on, he’s her brother so she’s will talk to him. Anyone can come, it’s not down to her if the girls can’t come and it’s not down to her what he does and doesn’t decide to do.

she and the other brother pester him to go. And last year I heard she was upset that her other brother didn’t go, but his wife has just been diagnosed with cancer and was starting chemo!

she is like the matriarch who expects everyone to go along with her holidays and didn’t even say to me I’m sorry I had no idea your daughter was getting so upset about my brother coming away with me. She just defends herself and takes no accountability. I am livid. My husband bows down to her. She pretty much raised him when their mom walked out when he was 7rs old.

i am sick of her and my spineless husband. He knows how upset my daughter gets and he still won’t stop. The only one who seems to give a shit about my children is me. Advice please

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 12/07/2023 01:40

Your husband is the problem. His sister could invite him to the moon, but it’s on him to put his family first and he’s not. I’d be furious if my husband used his vacation time to go away while the rest of us were at home.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2023 01:40

Your only problem is with your husband. Stop blaming your sister-in-law for his choices.

It sounds as though your husband has a very unhealthy enmeshment with his sister, and I think the FOG plays a massive part in their relationship. Do you think he would be amenable to couples therapy?

twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 02:04

No he wouldn’t be open to therapy. He argues he is doing nothing wrong. And borne around him every tells him he is being an arsehole father except me

OP posts:
twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 02:05

Should read “no one “ around him ever tells him he is being an arsehole father, just me

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 12/07/2023 02:08

Your husband is the problem

Yep

Mumtothreegirlies · 12/07/2023 02:23

My husband comes from a very enmeshed family too. Most weekends with his brothers and parents. So much that I’ve felt I’m in a relationship with 10 other people so Yanbu.
you need a huge heart to heart with your husband in order for him to decline the invites. You don’t want to run the risk of being labelled the controlling wife as that gives his sister all the power, it needs to come from him. Although I get it’s hard not to text his sister and offload your anger but Try and focus your annoyance towards your husband.

PoePoePoePoe · 12/07/2023 05:07

She can invite who she wants, where she wants, when she wants, your issue is with your husband not her.

user1492757084 · 12/07/2023 05:44

Your husband is the problem in perpetuating an inappropriate relationship with his sister. She should not have the power over him that he allows her to have.
One holiday with is sister, that includes you and the kids, is more than enough per year.
Make a point of going and with the kids so that you get to have some influence and so your children get to comment about the family holiday too.

Start new family routines...
Have two family hilidays each year.
Book a long weekend for your husband to go alone somewhere with the children.
Book a holiday with just you and him.
Change it up a bit and only keep one yearly holiday with the sister. Visit her together for a day, dine out together sometimes but not the long holidays as it is distressing your family.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/07/2023 05:51

How much annual leave does your DH get? Sounds like these holidays use up a significant amount of this time and must leave little time for your own family holidays. YANBU I would not be at all happy about this situation.

Gettingfleeced · 12/07/2023 05:57

If your DH is using all his annual leave for holidays with his sister, how are you covering childcare over the holidays etc?

Does she not realise that your daughter is feeling abandoned by him going off with his sister? As someone who was abandoned by his parent and knows how it feels, he should be more sensitive to the feelings of his children and stop choosing his sister over them.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 12/07/2023 06:02

I would focus on your DH’s decision making. You’re not going to change the SILs approach and YABU for messaging her directly to say that it’s her fault that your DH is going on holiday without you.

Aprilx · 12/07/2023 06:06

I put you are being unreasonable because you tackled your sister in law about this, because sister in law is you thread title, when quite plainly it is your husband that is the issue.

It is him you need to speak to. Your SIL has done absolutely nothing wrong here, she has just invited her brother on a trip. What happens next is down to him.

electriclight · 12/07/2023 06:08

No way DP would stop me having a trip with my brother.

I find it weird and controlling that you try to stop him and that you manipulated his sister by messaging her about your kids being upset.

Why can't he go if he wants to? Why can't his sister invite her brothers on a trip?

Ridiculous that your kids are crying about this. It should be normal to see your parents living their lives, enjoying themselves, having interests and relationships outside their nuclear family.

Meeting · 12/07/2023 06:10

I voted YABU because you're blaming the wrong person. Tell him if he goes again then don't bother coming back because you won't continue to allow him to upset his daughter.

UncleRadley · 12/07/2023 06:20

Yes he needs to grow a pair if he doesn't want to go. But maybe he does? Why is your eleven year old behaving in this way? You need to tackle that rather than giving in to her, there's no reason for her to be so upset so you need to get to the bottom of it.

Babsexxx · 12/07/2023 06:28

YABU! No 11yo I know cries about there dad going away for a few days?! Lol mental! Is she really though? Nonsense. You don’t want to go let him that’s the top and bottom of it. As adults now I wish I could see my siblings far more! But due to all the everyday hustles and bustles of adult life it’s rare!

Youve openly said you won’t be joining them anymore sick of the resort etc fine! But don’t ruin it for your husband if he didn’t enjoy it he would’ve opted out with you!

WhyNotUsehis · 12/07/2023 06:41

electriclight · 12/07/2023 06:08

No way DP would stop me having a trip with my brother.

I find it weird and controlling that you try to stop him and that you manipulated his sister by messaging her about your kids being upset.

Why can't he go if he wants to? Why can't his sister invite her brothers on a trip?

Ridiculous that your kids are crying about this. It should be normal to see your parents living their lives, enjoying themselves, having interests and relationships outside their nuclear family.

This

Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium · 12/07/2023 06:45

electriclight · 12/07/2023 06:08

No way DP would stop me having a trip with my brother.

I find it weird and controlling that you try to stop him and that you manipulated his sister by messaging her about your kids being upset.

Why can't he go if he wants to? Why can't his sister invite her brothers on a trip?

Ridiculous that your kids are crying about this. It should be normal to see your parents living their lives, enjoying themselves, having interests and relationships outside their nuclear family.

Yep, agree.

Oysterbabe · 12/07/2023 06:50

If my husband went away and took the kids I'd be delighted, a nice rest. Why are your kids so upset? Is this because they are picking up on vibes from you?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 12/07/2023 06:57

It's up to you as a family to decide if it's appropriate for you to holiday with your sil or not. You've decided not to go any longer, but you can't force your dh not to go if he wants to, he needs to make a decision based on everyone, not just what he wants. If your dc are that upset then is there anything else going on? Seems a severe reaction to a parent going away.

But I do think 3x a year is a lot for him to holiday without you. Can you compromise and he goes once?

Ignore your sil, she's not your issue.

twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 08:11

My daughter is upset because these 3 holidays wirh his sister are on top of 2 holidays wirh his mates very year. That’s 5 a year.

she I upset at his absences. His brother texts and calls him all the time to go out to the pub at weekend during the day. and for example Sunday afternoon I pop out with the girls for an hour and get home and he’s disappeared. She can’t turn her back without him packing a bag or disappearing. It’s the culmination of it all and the holidays are the ultimaute.

he isn’t going for a weeks he goes for 5 nights wirh his sister every time.

OP posts:
Madamecholetsbonnet · 12/07/2023 08:15

YANBU but you do have a DH problem rather than a SIL problem.

At the moment he would rather upset you/his children than her. This needs to be reversed.

pictoosh · 12/07/2023 08:16

electriclight · 12/07/2023 06:08

No way DP would stop me having a trip with my brother.

I find it weird and controlling that you try to stop him and that you manipulated his sister by messaging her about your kids being upset.

Why can't he go if he wants to? Why can't his sister invite her brothers on a trip?

Ridiculous that your kids are crying about this. It should be normal to see your parents living their lives, enjoying themselves, having interests and relationships outside their nuclear family.

Exactly, exactly.

Babsexxx · 12/07/2023 08:16

Well your problem doesn’t lie with your sil now does it?! Lol it’s a husband problem nothing to do with her.

Yea2023 · 12/07/2023 08:17

This is how women uphold the patriarchy, you’ve strong issue with his sister but not his brother who also pesters, not his friends who he has a further 2 hold with, or the DH who actually decides to leave you all.

Nope just the female…

How much time does DH even spend with you all? Sounds like he has checked out of family life…