Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in law

112 replies

twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 01:35

My husbands sister invites my husband away with her on holiday 3 times a year. Her children have flown the nest, mine are only 11. She goes away with her husband but wants her two brothers there too. She says to him our children can come too, but they are at school or for the next one on summer holiday but of my daughters is having a minor procedure and can’t exercise for a month which includes swimming. Neither want to go anyway.

I explained to her years ago I was tired of going to the same resort year in year out so count us out now. So she knows I won’t ever go so now is trying to get my husband to bring the children or come by himself every time she goes away. We have our own family holiday where we go somewhere different every year.

mu children get very upset by his holidays without them, one cries so much , begs him not to go, and I can’t get her into school.

this has happened twice in the last year so I text my sil tonight to say my daughter is very upset, my husbands place is at home wirh his daughters over summer not with anyone else.

she text back it’s not up to her what goes on, he’s her brother so she’s will talk to him. Anyone can come, it’s not down to her if the girls can’t come and it’s not down to her what he does and doesn’t decide to do.

she and the other brother pester him to go. And last year I heard she was upset that her other brother didn’t go, but his wife has just been diagnosed with cancer and was starting chemo!

she is like the matriarch who expects everyone to go along with her holidays and didn’t even say to me I’m sorry I had no idea your daughter was getting so upset about my brother coming away with me. She just defends herself and takes no accountability. I am livid. My husband bows down to her. She pretty much raised him when their mom walked out when he was 7rs old.

i am sick of her and my spineless husband. He knows how upset my daughter gets and he still won’t stop. The only one who seems to give a shit about my children is me. Advice please

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 12/07/2023 19:27

Jeez op why on earth did you make this thread about your SIL when you are married to prick of the year? He is a shit dad and has no respect for you. Why are you with him?

peachypudding · 12/07/2023 22:21

It sounds like your husband has checked out of the marriage. Time for you to take control of your life OP. Nothing will change if you don't.

Original poster
twinmummyyeah · 21/07/2023 13:34

So update: he’s going away with his sister and husband his brother and his grown up children and a mate and his wife and child. This will be the third holiday in a year with them (the other 2 try took in term time so no ootion for my children to go) and the 5th one in total in the last year on his own. My daughters can’t go as one is having a mole cut out next week and he’s flying out the day after for 7 days.

she is scared enough about getting her mole cut out next week (booked months ago) let alone him flying off for a week the day after.

he said he could afford the family holiday rhe 4 of us had a month ago so I had to use all my daughters savings (inheritance from their grandad) but he has found the money tj go away for a another week on his own.

I am at my wits end with it all now. Feeling very down. I need ti divorce him but know how nasty and awful he will be.

OP posts:
Merrz · 21/07/2023 13:47

Aww OP, just want to send virtual hugs! YANBU at all, you have absolute valid reason to be upset by this. The holidays are absolutely ridiculous, however this is clearly not just about him going on holiday with his sister, there's a lot bigger issues. I would absolutely be saying I can't be with someone where me and our children come so far down your priority list

tennesseewhiskey1 · 21/07/2023 13:50

FFS leave him then if he is such a shit husband. Your SIL is not the issue here.

SeulementUneFois · 21/07/2023 13:52

electriclight · 12/07/2023 06:08

No way DP would stop me having a trip with my brother.

I find it weird and controlling that you try to stop him and that you manipulated his sister by messaging her about your kids being upset.

Why can't he go if he wants to? Why can't his sister invite her brothers on a trip?

Ridiculous that your kids are crying about this. It should be normal to see your parents living their lives, enjoying themselves, having interests and relationships outside their nuclear family.

Agree with this.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 21/07/2023 13:54

Sorry you're in this situation OP, you do need to divorce him , I'm glad you've come to that realisation.
What a massive twat. At least you can use his holiday time to get some legal advice and get your finances organised etc without him suspecting anything.

ThatFraggle · 21/07/2023 13:59

You will have at least 52 days off parenting. Maybe even 100 as opposed to zero days off.

SchoolShenanigans · 21/07/2023 14:02

  1. why does your school age daughter get hysterical that daddy's going away for a week? That's not healthy or normal.

  2. why does it bother you so much that your husband has a life outside of you? His place isn't at home, that sounds awfully controlling and stifling. He's allowed a life and seperate plans.

Grow up and stop insulting his family. No one is forcing you, or your husband, to go and the invite has been extended to everyone - so YABU. If you were my wife, I'd tell you where to go and warn you never to talk to my sister like that again. You can politely decline the invite, but you don't have to be rude.

SchoolShenanigans · 21/07/2023 14:06

Sorry OP, I've just read your update. It would seem he's much more selfish than I realised from your original post.

YANBU to consider divorce. A marriage is a partnership.

Waystation · 21/07/2023 14:13

Probably missing the point of your thread but why are you using your DD savings - particularly as it’s not money you saved on her behalf but a inheritance - did you have permission for this.

As for your DH - he seems a very selfish man, not because he goes away but he seems to put his wants above his children and wife’s needs.

Original poster
twinmummyyeah · 21/07/2023 14:15

You seen excessively angry about a situation that doesn’t affect you. I am open to opinions but really, telling me ti grow up?
nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinmummyyeah · 21/07/2023 14:20

The girls really wanted a summer holiday. I have no money my husband controls the finances. I have a savings account for my daughters where all the cheques from her grandfather went iver the years l.

my husband says he couldn’t afford for the 4 of us ti go away o asked the girls about using their savings and daddy will pay it back. He hasn’t paid it back but has booked this 7 day trip with his extended family and friends. In my mind if he can’t pay back their savings why is he spending money for his own holiday.

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 21/07/2023 14:22

twinmummyyeah · 21/07/2023 13:34

So update: he’s going away with his sister and husband his brother and his grown up children and a mate and his wife and child. This will be the third holiday in a year with them (the other 2 try took in term time so no ootion for my children to go) and the 5th one in total in the last year on his own. My daughters can’t go as one is having a mole cut out next week and he’s flying out the day after for 7 days.

she is scared enough about getting her mole cut out next week (booked months ago) let alone him flying off for a week the day after.

he said he could afford the family holiday rhe 4 of us had a month ago so I had to use all my daughters savings (inheritance from their grandad) but he has found the money tj go away for a another week on his own.

I am at my wits end with it all now. Feeling very down. I need ti divorce him but know how nasty and awful he will be.

His behaviour is unacceptable. He is not behaving as a father should.

I would make it VERY clear to him that if he goes on this holiday having made you pay for the family holiday with your child's savings then your marriage is over and you would like him not to return to the house other than to collect his belongings which you will pack whilst he is away.

Is the house in joint names? Mortgage? Would you be able to go and live elsewhere?

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 14:26

twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 01:35

My husbands sister invites my husband away with her on holiday 3 times a year. Her children have flown the nest, mine are only 11. She goes away with her husband but wants her two brothers there too. She says to him our children can come too, but they are at school or for the next one on summer holiday but of my daughters is having a minor procedure and can’t exercise for a month which includes swimming. Neither want to go anyway.

I explained to her years ago I was tired of going to the same resort year in year out so count us out now. So she knows I won’t ever go so now is trying to get my husband to bring the children or come by himself every time she goes away. We have our own family holiday where we go somewhere different every year.

mu children get very upset by his holidays without them, one cries so much , begs him not to go, and I can’t get her into school.

this has happened twice in the last year so I text my sil tonight to say my daughter is very upset, my husbands place is at home wirh his daughters over summer not with anyone else.

she text back it’s not up to her what goes on, he’s her brother so she’s will talk to him. Anyone can come, it’s not down to her if the girls can’t come and it’s not down to her what he does and doesn’t decide to do.

she and the other brother pester him to go. And last year I heard she was upset that her other brother didn’t go, but his wife has just been diagnosed with cancer and was starting chemo!

she is like the matriarch who expects everyone to go along with her holidays and didn’t even say to me I’m sorry I had no idea your daughter was getting so upset about my brother coming away with me. She just defends herself and takes no accountability. I am livid. My husband bows down to her. She pretty much raised him when their mom walked out when he was 7rs old.

i am sick of her and my spineless husband. He knows how upset my daughter gets and he still won’t stop. The only one who seems to give a shit about my children is me. Advice please

You have a DH problem.

What you choose to do about that is up to you

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 14:28

twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 08:11

My daughter is upset because these 3 holidays wirh his sister are on top of 2 holidays wirh his mates very year. That’s 5 a year.

she I upset at his absences. His brother texts and calls him all the time to go out to the pub at weekend during the day. and for example Sunday afternoon I pop out with the girls for an hour and get home and he’s disappeared. She can’t turn her back without him packing a bag or disappearing. It’s the culmination of it all and the holidays are the ultimaute.

he isn’t going for a weeks he goes for 5 nights wirh his sister every time.

So why are you putting up with this?

He wouldn't have time (or the money) for all these trips if he had 50/50 custody of his children

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 14:29

twinmummyyeah · 21/07/2023 14:20

The girls really wanted a summer holiday. I have no money my husband controls the finances. I have a savings account for my daughters where all the cheques from her grandfather went iver the years l.

my husband says he couldn’t afford for the 4 of us ti go away o asked the girls about using their savings and daddy will pay it back. He hasn’t paid it back but has booked this 7 day trip with his extended family and friends. In my mind if he can’t pay back their savings why is he spending money for his own holiday.

See a solicitor.

You are entitled to half of whatever assets you have

Agapornis · 21/07/2023 14:31

I have no money my husband controls the finances.
Surely this is the real problem here?! This is financial abuse.
If he's in employment (not self-employed), split up, arrange child maintenance or apply through the CMS (you can do this before divorcing), and at least you'll get some money off him straight away.

Thisismynewusername1 · 21/07/2023 14:33

electriclight · 12/07/2023 06:08

No way DP would stop me having a trip with my brother.

I find it weird and controlling that you try to stop him and that you manipulated his sister by messaging her about your kids being upset.

Why can't he go if he wants to? Why can't his sister invite her brothers on a trip?

Ridiculous that your kids are crying about this. It should be normal to see your parents living their lives, enjoying themselves, having interests and relationships outside their nuclear family.

This.

if he wants to accept the invite, that’s up to him.

your kids getting so upset is odd. It’s normal for parents to need trips away for a variety of reasons- work, helping family, because they want to.

I went on a two week course for work recently. Kids were fine 🤷‍♀️

if it impacts on your family in other ways- as in he can’t do his sisters holiday and afford/have enough annual leave for your family holiday, that’s different.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 21/07/2023 14:38

electriclight · 12/07/2023 06:08

No way DP would stop me having a trip with my brother.

I find it weird and controlling that you try to stop him and that you manipulated his sister by messaging her about your kids being upset.

Why can't he go if he wants to? Why can't his sister invite her brothers on a trip?

Ridiculous that your kids are crying about this. It should be normal to see your parents living their lives, enjoying themselves, having interests and relationships outside their nuclear family.

Thus ^

Sugargliderwombat · 21/07/2023 14:41

Strange you blame the SIL for a problem you have with your husband. Its weird you don't either go or let the kids go?

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 21/07/2023 14:42

Why are you with him?
Why are you letting him opt out of parenting?
why does he have control of the finances?
Why are you using your daughter to communicate your feelings?
Why have you taken your daughter’s savings?

Sugargliderwombat · 21/07/2023 14:43

twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 08:11

My daughter is upset because these 3 holidays wirh his sister are on top of 2 holidays wirh his mates very year. That’s 5 a year.

she I upset at his absences. His brother texts and calls him all the time to go out to the pub at weekend during the day. and for example Sunday afternoon I pop out with the girls for an hour and get home and he’s disappeared. She can’t turn her back without him packing a bag or disappearing. It’s the culmination of it all and the holidays are the ultimaute.

he isn’t going for a weeks he goes for 5 nights wirh his sister every time.

I mean this is all your husbands behaviour though. People can invite whoever they want, it's your husband who is being so selfish. I think redirect your focus to him.

Bonbon21 · 21/07/2023 14:50

So you get a solicitors appointment, get the documents you need and he will return to his bags packed.
That way you will have peace of mind,space,and money coming directly to you. And he can have his kids 50% of the time or give you more money.
This is scary, but nothing will change unless you make it happen.
And this is not the life you deserve or model you want to set for your kids.

RenovationNightmare · 21/07/2023 14:52

ChubbyMorticia · 12/07/2023 01:40

Your husband is the problem. His sister could invite him to the moon, but it’s on him to put his family first and he’s not. I’d be furious if my husband used his vacation time to go away while the rest of us were at home.

I agree.