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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in law

112 replies

twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 01:35

My husbands sister invites my husband away with her on holiday 3 times a year. Her children have flown the nest, mine are only 11. She goes away with her husband but wants her two brothers there too. She says to him our children can come too, but they are at school or for the next one on summer holiday but of my daughters is having a minor procedure and can’t exercise for a month which includes swimming. Neither want to go anyway.

I explained to her years ago I was tired of going to the same resort year in year out so count us out now. So she knows I won’t ever go so now is trying to get my husband to bring the children or come by himself every time she goes away. We have our own family holiday where we go somewhere different every year.

mu children get very upset by his holidays without them, one cries so much , begs him not to go, and I can’t get her into school.

this has happened twice in the last year so I text my sil tonight to say my daughter is very upset, my husbands place is at home wirh his daughters over summer not with anyone else.

she text back it’s not up to her what goes on, he’s her brother so she’s will talk to him. Anyone can come, it’s not down to her if the girls can’t come and it’s not down to her what he does and doesn’t decide to do.

she and the other brother pester him to go. And last year I heard she was upset that her other brother didn’t go, but his wife has just been diagnosed with cancer and was starting chemo!

she is like the matriarch who expects everyone to go along with her holidays and didn’t even say to me I’m sorry I had no idea your daughter was getting so upset about my brother coming away with me. She just defends herself and takes no accountability. I am livid. My husband bows down to her. She pretty much raised him when their mom walked out when he was 7rs old.

i am sick of her and my spineless husband. He knows how upset my daughter gets and he still won’t stop. The only one who seems to give a shit about my children is me. Advice please

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 12/07/2023 08:21

@Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium
@pictoosh
@electriclight

How many holidays a year without your children do you have? Do you see them weekends?

OP, the compromise would be him doing something with the children when he is around. He's having too much child free time, they need to see him more, one-on-one. It's healthy for parents to have a life outside of kids, but we still owe our children our time and a balance has to be struck.

Dacquoises · 12/07/2023 08:22

How much time does your husband actually spend with you and your children? Is he prioritising everyone else instead?

Scienceadvisory · 12/07/2023 08:23

But your daughters are being invited and saying no. Have they picked up on your intense dislike of your sil and are mirroring that? Are they picking up on your upset and anger and that's why they are crying?

Loads of kids grow up with parents who spend 5 nights away frequently. Most don't respond how your daughter is.

I also think you are being incredibly rude about the woman who sacrificed her own teenage years to raise your husband. She did an incredible thing. It's not surprising they are close and want to holiday together.

jeaux90 · 12/07/2023 08:26

Your DH is the issue. Do you get time out to go on holiday or pursue hobbies?

Meeting · 12/07/2023 08:27

twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 08:11

My daughter is upset because these 3 holidays wirh his sister are on top of 2 holidays wirh his mates very year. That’s 5 a year.

she I upset at his absences. His brother texts and calls him all the time to go out to the pub at weekend during the day. and for example Sunday afternoon I pop out with the girls for an hour and get home and he’s disappeared. She can’t turn her back without him packing a bag or disappearing. It’s the culmination of it all and the holidays are the ultimaute.

he isn’t going for a weeks he goes for 5 nights wirh his sister every time.

So why is your post about your sister in law?
Why is this her fault?

peachypudding · 12/07/2023 08:30

Does your DH enjoy spending time with you?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/07/2023 08:30

I guess technically she is right. It's up to your husband.

Are they his kids too? How much of his annual leave does he actually spend with them?

Unfortunately you can't make someone spend time with you. Even if you split up and had a contact order you can't make him stick to it and want to spend holidays with the children.

If he isn't listening to you, he isnt listening to the children and he refuses to go to counselling then practically you don't really have many options other than put up with it, or leave

Lwrenagain · 12/07/2023 08:44

6 holidays a year for your DH then?
Not relevant but what's his job? I want 6 holidays a year, sounds great!

pictoosh · 12/07/2023 08:45

I agree. I think your sil can invite him on holiday if she likes. The actual issue is that your dh prioritises his own leisure time. Get annoyed with him?

Codlingmoths · 12/07/2023 08:48

If I thought my daughter was getting anxiety because every time she turned around her dad disappears out, and every couple of months its for days on holiday, I think I’d consider whether she would be happier if her dad didn’t live with her. I’d be open with dh and tell him I had to rethink if being married to him was the best thing for our children. That they needed him but his main focus was his siblings, so if he couldn’t meet his children’s needs perhaps they would be better off with him being more removed rather than letting them down all the time.

Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 08:53

this has happened twice in the last year so I text my sil tonight to say my daughter is very upset, my husbands place is at home wirh his daughters over summer not with anyone else.

This is ridiculous though. The holiday aside you shouldn't be pandering to children of 11 like that! Sometimes parents are allowed to go and do things, or spend time with their siblings, or visit family etc. If you have an issue with your husband spending time away that is an issue with him, texting his sister to tell her your 11 year old is crying because your husband's place is in the home and not with anyone else is ridiculous and controlling!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 12/07/2023 08:53

You’ve made it all your SIL’s fault, but on top of these holidays with her, he’s going away with his mates too. Unless they’re somehow emotionally blackmailing him as well, he’s actively choosing to spend a lot of time away without you and your children.

I think some time to yourself is healthy for everyone, but this seems to be the norm rather than the exception for him. You need to get clarity on why he won’t spend more time with you and the children, not make it about spending too much time with his sister - and certainly don’t involve her again.

pictoosh · 12/07/2023 09:03

I think contacting your sil to guilt trip her about your daughter was low. It's not her responsibility.

The begging and crying is for you and dh to address.

Wildlyboring · 12/07/2023 09:09

God there's been loads of sil posts lately.

I'm this instance YABU you have a husband issue not an in law problem.

MermaidEyes · 12/07/2023 09:15

peachypudding · 12/07/2023 08:30

Does your DH enjoy spending time with you?

I think the answer to this is probably no. Sounds to me like DH prefers to spend his time with everyone else except his wife and kids.

Screwballs · 12/07/2023 09:35

Your husband keeps saying yes and your issue is with SIL? You went so far to text her that shes unreasonable for inviting your family on holiday because you dont want to go but your OH does?

#doesnotcompute

Dacquoises · 12/07/2023 09:48

@MermaidEyes , sadly I suspect that may be the case and the daughter is vocalising a problem with her dad disappearing all the time. I can also understand the Ops frustration with his family giving him more opportunities to be away from them as he may be using it as an excuse to carry on being absent.

His norm is probably informed by his childhood of family being his siblings not mum, dad and children.

Beautiful3 · 12/07/2023 09:54

Just read your updates. Your husband is so werid. Why wouldn't he want to spend time with his family during holidays. I don't think he'll ever change.

AngelAurora · 12/07/2023 09:58

twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 01:35

My husbands sister invites my husband away with her on holiday 3 times a year. Her children have flown the nest, mine are only 11. She goes away with her husband but wants her two brothers there too. She says to him our children can come too, but they are at school or for the next one on summer holiday but of my daughters is having a minor procedure and can’t exercise for a month which includes swimming. Neither want to go anyway.

I explained to her years ago I was tired of going to the same resort year in year out so count us out now. So she knows I won’t ever go so now is trying to get my husband to bring the children or come by himself every time she goes away. We have our own family holiday where we go somewhere different every year.

mu children get very upset by his holidays without them, one cries so much , begs him not to go, and I can’t get her into school.

this has happened twice in the last year so I text my sil tonight to say my daughter is very upset, my husbands place is at home wirh his daughters over summer not with anyone else.

she text back it’s not up to her what goes on, he’s her brother so she’s will talk to him. Anyone can come, it’s not down to her if the girls can’t come and it’s not down to her what he does and doesn’t decide to do.

she and the other brother pester him to go. And last year I heard she was upset that her other brother didn’t go, but his wife has just been diagnosed with cancer and was starting chemo!

she is like the matriarch who expects everyone to go along with her holidays and didn’t even say to me I’m sorry I had no idea your daughter was getting so upset about my brother coming away with me. She just defends herself and takes no accountability. I am livid. My husband bows down to her. She pretty much raised him when their mom walked out when he was 7rs old.

i am sick of her and my spineless husband. He knows how upset my daughter gets and he still won’t stop. The only one who seems to give a shit about my children is me. Advice please

What accountability does she really need to take? She is not responsible for what your husband chooses to do, it's you who is causing all the issues.

ManateeFair · 12/07/2023 10:34

Your SIL sounds like a pain, but I'm afraid the real issue here is your husband. He is the one that's choosing to go on holiday with his siblings. She's a pain to keep asking, but he's a dickhead for not just saying no.

Original poster
twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 12:27

I don’t have any time without my children at weekend or evening. .I am busy at weekend and every night during the week wirh their out of school sports. He won’t take them to any of their events, so I have to do it all. He goes mad if I ask him to drop them somewhere ten minutes away as I’m going to be with them all day but need an hour to walk the dog and get something done before I leave.

when everyone else calls his sister got a holiday his brother at the pub on a Sunday afternoon, his friends he jumps.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 12:33

He would rather upset our children than everyone and her. He listens to everything she says. My other sil also thinks that both brothers are scared of her.

but yes this is a much bigger problem. I don’t know how you get a man to prioritise or care for their children when they really don’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinmummyyeah · 12/07/2023 12:35

Very little. And spot on. Everyone else is prioritised above the children.

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 12/07/2023 12:39

kin hell op end it! Then when he’s got to see them he regularly no assistance from you he will have to wake up I don’t think any single mum on the planet would be happy with this level of gallivanting!!!

just don’t project it onto other people he’s old enough and ugly enough to know better!

Ellie1015 · 12/07/2023 12:39

Dh is taking the piss going on so many holidays.

Sil inviting him is not the problem. Her not inviting him wont resolve the issue he will probably go an extra time with friends or invite himself with Sil.

Also kids should be able to cope even if they miss him a bit that is not a reason not to go. 5 times a year is far too often though.