Sister in law

[twinmummyyeah]

My husbands sister invites my husband away with her on holiday 3 times a year. Her children have flown the nest, mine are only 11. She goes away with her husband but wants her two brothers there too. She says to him our children can come too, but they are at school or for the next one on summer holiday but of my daughters is having a minor procedure and can’t exercise for a month which includes swimming. Neither want to go anyway.

I explained to her years ago I was tired of going to the same resort year in year out so count us out now. So she knows I won’t ever go so now is trying to get my husband to bring the children or come by himself every time she goes away. We have our own family holiday where we go somewhere different every year.

mu children get very upset by his holidays without them, one cries so much , begs him not to go, and I can’t get her into school.

this has happened twice in the last year so I text my sil tonight to say my daughter is very upset, my husbands place is at home wirh his daughters over summer not with anyone else.

she text back it’s not up to her what goes on, he’s her brother so she’s will talk to him. Anyone can come, it’s not down to her if the girls can’t come and it’s not down to her what he does and doesn’t decide to do.

she and the other brother pester him to go. And last year I heard she was upset that her other brother didn’t go, but his wife has just been diagnosed with cancer and was starting chemo!

she is like the matriarch who expects everyone to go along with her holidays and didn’t even say to me I’m sorry I had no idea your daughter was getting so upset about my brother coming away with me. She just defends herself and takes no accountability. I am livid. My husband bows down to her. She pretty much raised him when their mom walked out when he was 7rs old.

i am sick of her and my spineless husband. He knows how upset my daughter gets and he still won’t stop. The only one who seems to give a shit about my children is me. Advice please

Babesexx

i am asking for peoples opinions and welcome them. But telling me I am lying. Being quite so forthright. Be careful. Women are on here for help advice, support, becuase they have no where else to turn and are struggling with something.

I hope your very critical reactions are rare.

Leave. He is not a partner and you are doing everything anyway. He is treating you very unfairly.

Yet another thread batching about a woman when it's the man at fault.

The misogyny is real isn't it.

@twinmummyyeah , I had one of these and unfortunately, in my experience, it never changes and you end up a single parent and housekeeper in the marriage.

I got out. He was shocked because he was very happy with the set up and couldn't see why I wasn't.

He's dismissing you. The Sil is a side issue, but not the main issue. It will take a lot of therapy to change this. Are you ready to get out of this situation?

Btw he was just as bad towards our daughter on his access after divorce, would pull crap like leaving her sitting in his car for hours whilst he practiced his sport and leaving her home alone for most of the weekend so he could play sport. She's now estranged from him, he couldn't prioritise her either.

This is definitely your DH’s fault. He needs to grow a spine and say no to holidays/put his family first. Which from your updates sounds like he doesn’t give a crap about you or the kids. Leave him OP. He sounds utterly useless and you all deserve better.

I'd get to the route of the problem with your daughter's emotions to be honest. 5 holidays a year is excessive and your husband is being a total knob, but if he always comes back and is a present Dad inbetween then I think you need to get to the bottom of why your daughter is getting so upset by this? Its a bit blackmaily for you to use her emotions to get him to stay home too.

Could it be that she feels the tension from the pair of you over his holidays and feels uneasy about this instead of him actually being away? Is he doing activities with her that are special for the 2 of them and when he's gone, those activities don't happen?

Would she be this upset if you went for girls holidays?

I don't think there's anything wrong with your dh going on holiday with his sister but 3 times a year without his family seems a lot.
I go away with my sister and would happily do 3 times a year but twice would include the kids.

Your DH is an arsehole, regardless of the sil stuff. I would tackle all the other stuff. This is an unhealthy environment for your dc.

If my dp expected to go off on holiday 5 times a year when we have young children, then go to the pub regularly at weekends etc, I would do the kind thing and pack for him.

Then tell him not to bother coming back.

So the real problem isn t your sister in law it’s your husband who gives a fuck for no one but himself and doesn’t pull his weight with his children.

you are resentful that he listens to his sister more than you , he sounds like a selfish piece of shit , your child is obviously noticing how little he bothers with her , get him to fuck OP .

He’s not a present dad in between. He’s there , his brother phones and he’s gone , off to the pub. Whatever he told his dd he’d do with her that evening is cancelled.

I agree with PPs, your husband holds the solution to this. I am baffled as to why a man would want to leave his own family go away with another person, albeit his sister.

SIL is not the problem.

Your DH is the problem.

Stop blaming the woman and look at who really is at fault here.

It's him choosing to go.
It's him leaving his family
It's him causing the upset to your children.

she text back it’s not up to her what goes on, he’s her brother so she’s will talk to him. Anyone can come, it’s not down to her if the girls can’t come and it’s not down to her what he does and doesn’t decide to do

Well she's right.
As others have said, this is a dh issue

I can’t see why you stay in this marriage. You would probably get more support and time to yourself if you split up.

Your DH has no real memory of a mother / child relationship as she walked out. Where was his father? Absent - either physically or emotionally?

Your DH is continuing the pattern he saw growing up. Sibling relationships are everything and more important than parent child relationships. So he thinks it's ok to be an absent parent as your kids have each other. And you.

If he won't do therapy would he read a how to be a better parent type book that you go through together so both of you (but mainly him ) can 'help them transition to teenagers'. Pick the book carefully so it includes detail on the importance of being a present father.

This is between you and your husband. Yes it's his sister, but you could equally replace her with his golf/football/hobby, work mates, stag do, drinking buddies, brother. The point is he's opting out of family life and that's unfair. Presumably you don't have 3 holidays of your own choice elsewhere leaving him with the children. It seems rather selfish to me.

My daughter is upset because these 3 holidays with his sister are on top of 2 holidays with his mates very year. That’s 5 a year. - some Dad!

His commitment to his family is very loose. My late OH would not have dreamt of doing this - he was totally committed to us, his immediate family.

Your thread title should be "Husband" not "Sister-in-law."

How is he paying for these 5 holidays a year ? If this money is coming out of joint money your answer is to say no its coming out of your money not family money.

You need to speak openly with your husband and tell him that you need him to put you and your children at the top of his priority list or makes arrangements to leave the family home.

I can't believe that he won't even drop one of your children off at their clubs, you don't have a sister in law problem you have a husband problem, who in my opinion is nothing but a big kid and adding to your problems.

You need to decide what you want from your marriage, life together and make sure you get what you want.

Hmmm you e been complaining about your DH female relatives/friends for 5 years, this doesn’t sound like a marriage and your DC have had 5 years of battle by the sound of things.

You can waste another 5 years of your DC childhood/life or identify and resolve the core issue - your DH.

Well your update suggests there's a big long list of things your DH does that you aren't happy about.

Not sure why you're so cross with SIL.

If you'd posted about your arsehole dh to start with you'd have got more useful responses.

He won't change so I think decide whether you want this life forever or a different one.

This isn't a SIL issue.

The issue is that you have a shit husband.

This thread should be retitled MY SHITTY HUSBAND

your SIL is the least of it. Ypu cant make someone care.
Leave him (and i dont say that likely.)

If you want to stay married just forge your own life with the kids and let him live in the house like the lodger he is.
Go on holiday when he goes on holiday. Plan days out without him. Dont bother wasting your time and energy trying to include him in family life And make him care. Youve been doing that for ages and it clearly doesnt work

5 holidays a year without his family!

What has he said when you've sat down and talked to him?