To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

The posters on here correcting spelling and advocating hitting a child can you please stop with your nonsense. OP is at the end of her tether here.

Yes. I'm not in Fife or Stirling or Edinburgh.

I'd have quite the fight on my hands to seek Home Ed permission for a child with so many agencies involved.

I'd probably win in about 18 months time at which point it would've rendered null because of the Primary/Secondary transition.

What about somewhere like the Purple House Clinic? Could that help?

But they are in Scotland

i just can’t understand how you literally sound suicidal and moving is completely ruled out

I would say that’s a good rule of thumb. But, with my son it would be more in certain instances. Has posting here helped you at all today. If only so you know there are people who understand and no exactly where you are coming from.

@StratAv234

The main library has bookable rooms for online learning which are sound proof. As she would be secondary age, she would go there on the days I work. DH's work is very seasonal so she could work from home all Winter.

I understand. My son now has an additional 3dx to his Classic Kanners Autism. I didn’t know it was possible.

@Kimchikitchen

Tbh, I didn't even think about until you suggested it.

It does mean taking DD2 away from her friends and her school.

I'm not suicidal though. I've never felt that. I have felt like fleeing though. DH and I darkly joke neither of us are allowed to run without the other.

a) Common sense
b) the OP (I know what you mean though. In Fife there is east flexi school. In Edinburgh, Montessori, in Stirling home Ed with fabulous Outdoor groups.

And all with the exception of the homeschool group will have entry criteria. If the OPs DD doesn’t meet the criteria for even an ASD hub, she won’t meet the higher criteria for other more tailored services. It would be incredibly foolish to move, her DH to change careers on the basis that other support will be available when her daughter doesn’t meet the threshold for support in her own locality. If anything the threshold is higher in bigger authorities.

I’m happy had those for her for a short while!

they’re few and far between here too but we’ve had several new schools open locally in the last 5yrs for SEN kids so I will keep my fingers crossed one opens soon.

my only other suggestion would be to consider employing carers to come in who could take her out to do the physical stuff she needs. And give you and DD2 alone time. If you can’t get over might respite then could you access this sort of support. Even 2 hours a week could be life changing for you.

my friends DC has paid for carers take the child out to do things like woodland walks, access forest school type sessions during the week, go shopping, swimming lessons etc. the child somewhat chooses the activities and the carers help.

do you have the budget for this? DLA for example to fund this? It might be worth considering.

@Bunny2607

DFOD

From a quick google both circle health group and spire healthcare offer private paediatric services in Scotland.

Why do you think you will have a fight? Are there safeguarding issues about your ability to look after her?

You said you are looking an online for secondary - she could start inter high or a similar online school now, why would that lead to any concern from professionals?

The Op is just venting and I doubt very much she’ll do all that she’s said she will. Just let it go and be thankful you’ve perhaps not yet experienced what she has.

@SauronsArsehole

That's what I've asked the Child Disability Social Worker to put in place.

I'm trying to find the energy to fight the LA to set up a Forest School once a week at her old nursery. That's this Summer's task.

Please please consider

no brainer to me

Oh OP. My heart goes out to you. You are doing so much, and I can feel how completely exhausted you are. But please can you ask for this to be moved to SN? The usual AIBU arseholes will kick you when you are down.

Yes, that’s the point 😂

How on earth can you I’ve advice to someone about something that you have no experience with?

PDA definitely exists.. i have it.

It was always referred to as my being stubborn/disobedient/contrary, because the minute you order me to do something, my immediate response is a surge of anger/annoyance and an overwhelming desire to do anything other than what i was just told.

I'm 42, and i still struggle with it, i'm lucky that the people around me understand to ASK me to do stuff so i feel like i have a genuine choice in deciding to do it or not.

"Please" in my world goes a long way to placating my PDA as an adult.

You’re the issue.

Why did she swear at her sister? What was she trying to communicate? What adjustments are you making?

because this is

child communicates.
you impose ridiculous punishment.

That’s not understanding.

@stargirl1701 just that online school sounds like putting even more onto you and dh, that’s all.

I completely understand why you’d not want to move and struggle to navigate another health and education board, there is very little standardisation or consistency.

God you poor thing OP. And poor kids. Both of them. I doubt your autistic daughter enjoys being the way she is, but it must be absolute hell for your other child being subjected to violence in their own home. If she cannot be free to move around the home without attacking someone then I think you're right, she is going to have to remain in her room when you're at home. You simply cannot put your other child through that. You just can't. She has needs and rights too.

If you've tried everything else except for a more authoritarian stance then you have nothing to lose, whatever you've been doing clearly isn't working. Have you considered informing social services you no longer can cope and asking about residential care? Not private, as others have mentioned, but state funded? I don't know if that exists and I suspect they'll try avoid that for various reasons but if you can evidence that your other child is actually in an abusive environment...

@LeafCuttingAnt

I'm in an anti-Home Ed LA. I have a disabled child with multi-agency support. I work for this LA. I know the fight ahead. I would win as I have before (deferral) but it means going all the way to tribunal. It would take around 18 months and, at that point, she'll be done with primary.

I don't have an evening. DS can't/won't go to sleep without me and doesn't go to sleep until gone midnight. Nobody seems to want to help with the sleeping atm. I have to be honest the lack of any real downtime is getting to me. And when I take DS up is when DH can work uninterrupted.

We should try though.

And fingers crossed for tomorrow!