To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

@PhantomUnicorn

Yet, that does not describe DD1.

@Sheselectric88 I found your comment incredibly inspiring. I wondered if you might have the time to share a few more specifics. What did your new approach look like day to day for example? What exactly changed?

@Kimchikitchen Just because there's clinics inc Scotland it doesn't mean their accessible to the OP. She could be in Shetland or the outer Hebrides for all we know.

@stargirl1701you are in a horrible situation. I think you are doing the right thing💐

@stargirl1701 or there are suggestions here

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/resource-category/local-pda-support-groups/scotland/

https://www.purplehouseclinic.co.uk/psychologists-glasgow/?utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=cpc&gclid=CjwKCAjw-7OlBhB8EiwAnoOEkyuC4yvRlXFSgXW0cUvUjFITZCT5wCtJ9Fnhvs5I_oP9WFh-WTxybhoCnM8QAvD_BwE

https://www.autism.org.uk/directory/t/the-edinburgh-practice

I knew a couple with a similar problem and they ended up moving apart and living separately and having one child each then swapping, to ensure the two kids were rarely together, and so each parent got half of the week to recover from having the child who was autistic. I'm not saying that's what you should do but other people have been through this and it sucks so much.

How is she with this? What does she do in her room

Is she ok with it emotionally?

@stargirl1701 I don't know if you saw my post about Purple House Clinic? Could you try there if affordable?

How do you know she's not going to do any of that? She seems quite determined to me.

Op, the people who are suggesting ideas like respite or residential and lambasting you for being 'abusive' or 'isolating' probably could not last 24 hours in your shoes.

@Lentilweaver

No one online can make me feel bad. I'm at rock bottom anyway. What flaming difference would it make?

More people in AIBU. More suggestions. I've got 4 new avenues to pursue from this thread. That's a win.

There's no feeling left in me to hurt. The kindnesses hurt more because I feel so undeserving of them.

I can laugh off the fools. Walk a fucking mile...

OP - we had a similar experience with DD, now 18 and a really lovely person, AND she wants to do a degree!!
The only book I found remotely helpful was The Explosive Child.
What turned things around for us, and I appreciate not everyone will be financially able to do this, but DS got a huge bursary to a boarding school, so he could be educated, get his sports, and be safe. DD then asked to weekly board at a tiny school (20 per year group) which specialised in kids with extra needs, very nurturing etc. She thrived there. The violence at home stopped. She was going to school. She got 8 GCSE's. At weekends she tended to stay in her room and chill out by herself.

I don't think people get how awful the situation is when you have a violent child. It breaks my heart that both my DC went to boarding school, but it really was the best thing to do at the time. I've been on anti depression drugs since the birth of DD!
No idea how things work in Scotland, but any chance you could explore a boarding scenario with the LEA? For either child?

I just wanted to let you know OP that things will almost definitely get better. You have to keep going. I bet you are actually doing a really great job.
Hide the kitchen knives, garden tools, and tie your hair up (slightly harder to pull then).

It. Will. Get. Better. 💐

@hilbil21

I've got that on my list, thanks.

She didn’t ask me for a specific area- she said find me a private paediatrician in Scotland.

If she is in the Shetland isles clearly she will have to travel if she wants to go to a specialist clinic.

She’s in rural highland of Scotland

hence my one bit of advice. Move

I did.

How long did you try it? No/low demand can takes years. Because it is undoing years of trauma.

It's not a quick fix. It's establishing trust and boundaries (theirs) in a safe space. That takes time.

You seem very angry and not open to suggestions right now. Which is fine, given what you're going through.

Just have to jump on in response to this and say the screens absolutely do not help children to self-regulate. The absolute opposite in fact.
They keep them occupied - like a chocolate cake would, but that is NOT the same as self-regulation. Many if not most children are far LESS regulated after being on a screen, especially those with autism.

Fab. Two friends have used them and have given good feedback.

I really feel for you and all your family, OP. I'm ND (diagnosed ADHD and awaiting Autism assessment) and my twins are ND (both now awaiting Autism assessment and I can refer Twin 2 for ADHD assessment when she turns 6.
Twin 1 and I have been kicked, slapped, spat at, had things thrown at us, had our stuff trashed since the girls were about young (they're now 5 and Twin 2's physical aggression really escalated when they went to Preschool). It can be a living hell (I've got physical disabilities and long term health conditions, too) and I'm the only parent. I have no idea how it's going to go as they get older.
No advice. I don't think you're being cruel. I think you sound absolutely bloody desperate and exhausted, having tried anything and everything you can.

OP

She may be too old for it, but can you find an ABA course / school?

Fantastic. That you’ve asked though I know social care can be a pain.

I won’t bore you with my decade + long fight to diagnosis but social care were shite ime but I really hope they can pull something out their arses for you.

they did for my friend and her DC and they now have the carers in place from the child’s personal budget (not in school because they don’t have a place to meet the needs yet)

if you can it might be worth you enquiring about carers yourself though I’m sure social care has access to company lists that can provide the right kind of care you need.

Yes, DD2 will be going to a different secondary than DD1. I ensured they will not be in the same multi-composite class next year despite it breaking the rules.

I know the games I have to play to get what they both need when there are options.

I'm at rock bottom anyway.

you say you aren’t suicidal OP but this sounds damn close to me.

all the suggestions are well intended but either won’t work or your have tried or irrelevant

you haven’t moved. That is what I’d do in your shoes. Away from a “wee country” school and in to an area with proper support available

@SeulementUneFois

ABA is abusive. We will not being doing that.

Requiring her to remain in her room that she designed to meet her needs is not abusive.

I have not read the full thread as it is too long

However, these attacks - what happens when you remove yourself from them?

I have experience here and I could see them coming, you can see the red mist descend, the eyes change, then it’s attack mode!

Do you have a secure back garden? Or any secure rooms?

For example if you remove yourself when there is an attack you could go to somewhere safe? Believe me without an audience they soon get bored - in-fact chances are they will lie on the floor in the fetal position whilst they process what happened

Please do keep on instilling boundaries they absolutely do respond however it will get worse before it gets better! Your child will respond to a strict approach as long as it is consistent

Being viciously attacked I’ll take it you know how to use restraint safely?

Also there is medication that can be supplied to calm the violence down even at age 11

Sorry you are going through this

There’s a common agreement that autistics like to be in control as it helps them control their anxiety - however don’t buy into that too much as they can and will take it to extremes for their own gain and advantage.

have other punishments - say to both ‘we are going to the park later but if anyone misbehaves then that person will not be going to the park’ then carry through with your threat.

Also consider either you or your husband ringing each others phone to distract a tantrum