To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

@Gingerkittykat

Yet, that was the advice from a previous poster who extended it to serving meals in her room!

Read the thread.

You say that like it's not an awful thing to do to a child.

Op is not being abusive, she is protecting her other daughter by not allowing her other child to physically assault her.

I would have never considered adhd for my asd child except his two incredibly hyperactive siblings are adhders. So we went for testing and low and behold adhd. He started on a non stimulant medication and he is so much calmer, less aggressive and rigid. He says he doesn't need to feel the need to control everything as much and feels less reactive

No, she is saying 25% of the family unit is not going to make 100% of them miserable. Her other child deserves to have a calm environment.

but sending her to a “wee country school” in rural highlands of Scotland is not only causing so much of your suffering - it is very unfair on your daughter, as she is not receiving the support she needs

What makes you think she’d get more support elsewhere? I’m in one of the biggest local authorities in Scotland and there’s not much more out there because a bigger authority simply means more people in need of the same minimal supports. I’ve had to fight tooth and nail for every single support or intervention for my DD.

I’d love to know where these imaginary local authorities are with ample support, immediately available residential places and respite on demand. They don’t exist anywhere I’ve lived or worked.

@SauronsArsehole

Yes, she went to a Forest Kindergarten. We deferred her so she could have an additional year there. We researched a Scouting group that is entirely outdoors rather than our local one. Every holiday she has a week at summer camp at her old nursery.

She needs an outdoor primary school up to Primary 7. Find one in Scotland for me please.

PLEASE , for the love of goodness, don't suggest smacking a child to stop a meltdown. Do I really have to tell anyone why?

No, we were just psychologically scarred for life trying to exist in mainstream schooling that was inappropriate for us. I was diagnosed in my forties and suddenly so much made sense. I thought I was just broken or that people hated me for no reason before that. The lack of screening and diagnosis for us was very harmful.

I attempted suicide for the first time at 15. There were plenty more times after that. I still have self-harm scars. Is this what you want for your daughter?

If you aren't going to care properly for your daughter, put her into care where she at least has a chance of finding a foster carer who will look after her in the way that she needs.

That’s really totally irrelevant to OP’s situation. We all knew what the poster meant (ffs).

The op actually

she lists All the things and support available in fife

@Midnightfeasts

We've had 11 years of 'normal' family meals. She was a BLW baby from 26 weeks with much gusto!

@stargirl1701 check your messages x

What “makes me think” thsg there would be better support for the girl and her family beyond a week country school on the highlands of Scotland is

a) Common sense
b) the OP (I know what you mean though. In Fife there is east flexi school. In Edinburgh, Montessori, in Stirling home Ed with fabulous Outdoor groups.

Honestly Op. it’s not easy. Especially when your DD is eleven but not actually 11 in real terms. I used to look at my son like a patchwork quilt - he was made up of various ages the same way a quilt is made up of different fabrics. Then there’s also puberty approaching and that can really send our children haywire.

Even if things are available it doesn’t mean they will be easy - or even possible - to access.

it sounds as if the outdoors life style works well for her so then it becomes a swings and roundabouts thing anyway.

op do you have better options for more specialist placement when it comes to p7 onwards?

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

That's why we are researching alternatives for secondary school. She will NOT be attending any mainstream secondary school. We can home school or online school. She feels online is the way for her based on our research so far.

But she does seem perfectly fine with just letting the 25% be miserable.

What happens when she turns 18 OP? Will you kick her out?

As the parent of a child with ASD I must admit I started off reading the thread feeling like you were awful OP! But having read the full thing I actually think you've tried more things than a lot of parents have! I have to applaud you for everything you've tried and you have my utmost sympathies. Definitely pays to RTFT! The only thing I would say is have you thought about travelling further afield for maybe a more experience professional to see if there is anxiety/adhd involved? As previous posters have said these can be comorbid with autism.

No disrespect to your local professionals but we come from a town 40 minutes outside Glasgow and even in "the city" there are more experienced/forward thinking doctors available, nevermind a small rural place.

I feel for you, I really do

To Quote you op
(I know what you mean though. In Fife there is east flexi school. In Edinburgh, Montessori, in Stirling home Ed with fabulous Outdoor groups.

There is no question that pda exists… and there are standardised ways to diagnose it. It’s possible Scotland nhs hasn’t caught up yet, these things take time. There was a time when autism ‘didn’t exist’.

If your gp/paediatrician can’t help I would suggest you look into finding a specialist privately.

@PollyThePixie

I read that you subtract a third from the chronological age to get the emotional age of an autistic child.

@Folioh

Please find me a private paediatric consultant in Scotland.

Well I’d like my dds to go to that girls school featured on the autism doc with Chris Packham with goats at break time - not very likely to get that lined up!

if your dd went online for school, where is your downtime? That would be my worst nightmare for constant care.

I might be going against the grain but we'll done op. Dd2 needs a happy home and attention, being scared in own home and watching parents being attacked is not good for her. Obviously it's not a life for you- you've done lots,this sounds worth a try. I would also be pushing for residential.