To roll my eyes at pregnancy excuse

[Fuzzyduck31]

It must be my age but recently I’ve had more friends and acquaintances being pregnant and I am surprised (bemused?) by the ideas some people have.
I get that morning sickness/ nausea is bad but I have a friend who is acting completely incapacitated by it? It’s not HG just the normal nausea sicky feeling in first trimester.
I have another friend who can not organise a baby shower for her sister because she is also pregnant?!
Another friend has just had a baby and has called her mum to look after the baby while she sleeps all day?
AIBU as I went through this twice not looking for the type of complete support that these other women feel entitled to?
I am happy for them all and feel like a bad person thinking this but just wondered if anyone else has noticed a trend towards this complete incapacitation as a pregnant/ new mum?

Sounds like your experience isn’t that of all hospitals. When my mum gave birth in the 90s she said they taught her everything she needed to know about a newborn, how to feed, bathe, dress and settle the baby. Her experience only changed in the early 00s by which point you only stayed for 2 days and the staff were much more hands off.

My mum had her babies on the 80’s and stayed for a week but they didn’t get forced onto forumla and she certainly didn’t leave us on a blanket all day.

When I had DD 10 years ago we were offered lessons in bathing and nappy changing but very few mums took them up

Perhaps instead of dismissing the experiences of others, you should feel grateful that you never needed the same level of support.

Nobody is impressed by a martyr mother who looks at their friend in need and thinks "I managed without help, why can't you?".

My dad would look after my eldest when he was little so I could sleep 💚

Some of these posts are horrible. I often think that people exaggerate on social media or take themselves/their dc to a and e for minor problems is because you don't get any sympathy these days unless you have an ambulance ride and a near death experience. Morning sickness is horrible, sleepless nights are horrible and cleaning up your children's vomit is horrible. There are a lot of things that are not life threatening but they are hard. IME of having children with life threatening problems and also the usual not life threatening but still difficult stuff, in a life threatening situation most people are sympathetic but with the more mundane things there are a few people who are sympathetic but most people tell you about their cousin's auntie's window cleaner who had exactly the same thing but worse and how she bore it all with no complaints while also doing 3 jobs, raising 12 well mannered children and keeping an immaculate house.

I find this kind of lazy judgement infuriating. You can't possibly be in a position to judge if someone's excuse is valid. If you think you are, you should thank your lucky stars that you don't know much about how debilitating pregnancy can be.

I've just qualified as a doula and will be specialising in post natal care. I think surely as women we ought to be holding each other up rather than bashing each other down? Everyone is different and handle things differently. What some women can charge through, others can't. In many cultures women are worshipped and taken good care of when pregnant and for up to around 6 weeks post birth, depending on the culture. Post natal depression is rife and tends to be in women who do not feel supported. Some women even have pre natal depression because they feel unsupported. In my opinion, the way the west treat women when pregnant or after birth is awful and women feel forces to bounce back after they have done this amazing, physiological thing. Without sounding to 'hippie' I think women have been conditioned into thinking they have to cope, strive through, and take onto their shoulders what they were expected to do before whilst going through all the changes that being pregnant gives you, whilst nourishing a baby. Women in the west deserve medals, not criticism. For those women who are declining to do stuff cos they're pregnant... I'd give them a high 5 for listening to themselves. Just my opinion.

Perfectly put, @Havana2345!

I admit I eye roll when I hear of those with loads of support but I also admit this is because of being left so unsupported myself when I was a new mum and I feel resentful and jealous. But I do acknowledge its my issue and not theirs. What does upset me is people not realising how lucky they are and complaining over silly things especially to people who have not been so fortunate. Mine are older now so I'm out of that world but I remember it well

Excellent spot @Luxell934

The only time I’ve ever judged another mother complaining about how hard it was, was an acquaintance who had gotten herself pregnant to trap her man (she was the other woman). Baby daddy fucked off, but she had her parents over daily for childcare, her friends took turns babysitting, she lived rent free and had an excellent job.

she complained often about having no support, while being out at different parties every weekend. She had more support than most two parent households.

she’s had more kids since, but this time the man seems to have accepted the trap. She complains less.

I judged myself in the way that you judge women, so I kept pushing to be productive despite my exhaustion and ended up ill with total burnout, awful back pains, anxiety, stress, insomnia and all that contributed to my relationship ending before baby even arrived.

Any pregnant women reading this post, please don't internalize the OPs message and please do slow right down for your health and baby's. Set boundaries. Say no.

I'm not sure.. I had an awful pregnancy, HG in hospital a lot on drips, then preeclampsia and admitted for 8 weeks before birth. I found so many people assumed pregnancy illness I had was just me being fragile 😅

I had a man sit on my lap on a bus stop as he thought I should just be standing and I didn't move quick enough, (I was on way to be admitted as they thought I was high risk of seizure, blood pressure 200/106) I got told my swollen face from my kidneys going dodgy was probably just a bad nights sleep and that with HG couldn't I just work with a sick bucket on my lap haha glad it's over.

I thought I was being a weakling only now it's over I realise how horrendous I felt. It was rather hellish.. so maybe they feel worse than they appear?

Also I did moan I was tired... I didn't actually sleep, people assumed It was first time mum issues.. which is why it took over 3 months for them to realise my baby was allergic to dairy and was having allergic reaction 😂 sometimes the assumptions people make stop them from seeing when there is an actual issue and not just mums being dramatic and calling in. I kept calling and calling because I knew something was wrong, they never even looked at my baby, just said ah probably cradle crap, eczema, reflux, colic ect said all first mums panic.

All sorted now though, phew

I've had three easy pgs and births. I think some womens bodies are cut out for it and some aren't. I've had some friends who really struggled, had to go into hospital, and have extra monitoring and treatment, and have decided to stop after one because it's been an intolerable ordeal. But others who grumble a lot but still plough ahead with it multiple times, which makes me think it wasn't actually that bad, though they want the praise of being a martyr putting themselves through such an ordeal for the sake of their families.

Another friend has just had a baby and has called her mum to look after the baby while she sleeps all day?

Oh no.... a supportive mother helps her daughter.... how ridiculous.

The fact that you said you ‘feel like a bad person thinking this’ shows that you KNOW that you’re being unreasonable. How dare you judge pregnant women and decide that they can’t possibly feel bad simply because you didn’t? When I was pregnant with my first, my ‘normal morning sickness’ saw me vomiting 8 times a day and to feel constantly nauseous and giddy for the entire first trimester. My second pregnancy affected both my mental and physical health - I felt very anxious and also had a bad pains in my back and legs so could barely walk. I definitely could not have been arranging someone else’s baby shower. Both of my pregnancies were normal with no serious complications except these which were normal pregnancy side effects. You’re being VERY unreasonable but you know that.

Some bodies “aren’t cut out for it”? So if someone is hospitalised with HG that’s what you would say the them? Or end up on crutches with pelvic pain?
Do you say the same thing about people who develop cancer?

I had a pulmonary embolism in pregnancy and injected myself twice a day for 8 months with blood thinners. I was in hospital from 30 weeks to delivery at 37. So glad you think pregnant women are lazy.

Fuck. Off. HTH.

I'm 8 months pregnant, I’m lucky to have had a straightforward pregnancy so far.
However even as a straightforward pregnancy I’ve found it hard and emotionally draining for various reasons and even normal symptoms (being sick, rubbish sleeping due to aches, sore chest and fatigue) to be draining and hard.

I’ve also not been able to take it easy at any point and I’m not someone who says when they’re finding things hard because of idiots with these opinions.

So kindly fuck off, I’ve found it hard enough (although I’m grateful to be having my baby) and I’ve no idea how people with much worse symptoms or pregnancy induced illnesses cope.

Absolutely this!

All women are different. I was working throughout all 3 of mine despite pgp with my first. My sister had it and promptly got signed off despite working from home. My mum cooked all her meals and gave them to her, her dh is beyond useless and she was living with my mum at the time. I don't begrudge the help she received from my mum as she needed it and mum was happy to provide. I didn't get a medal and should have put myself first instead of soldiering on to 36 weeks (baby was born via emcs a week later) and being miserable.

Second pregnancy I didn't experience it much, had back pain instead and was placed on bed rest at 32 weeks. I still cooked and cleaned and took care of dd1 who was still a baby herself. Ny dh took over when he was home. 3rd pregnancy I experienced nausea and fainting spells due to anaemia in the 3rd trimester and was signed off at 32 weeks again. I never had anyone to support me or cook meals, make my life easier apart from dh and he did his absolute best despite working full time and doing pick ups and drop off dor out other children. I still got up and went to work, cleaned my house, cooked meals despite feeling shit at times because I had other kids to take care of and parent. It was tough at times but I chose to have a 3rd child and I was prepared for it. No-one forced me so I got up and got on, I also have that kind of attitude to life anyway and am fiercely independent and like doing stuff myself.

My sil was pregnant the same time as me and she was waited on by my mil, all meals cooked and served, never did any cleaning or giving her son a shower or putting him to bed. She expected mil to take over and she obliged. There ate cultural expectations on her side as she comes from a country where it's expected that you will get taken care of when pregnant.

We are all different. It doesn't do you any good to begrudge the help other people get. Yes some are entitled but only they know what they are going through and many don't think it's entitled behaviour to rely on others anyway.

A lot of women think they will get some sort of cosmic reward for being martyrs. Then they get pissed off when it doesn't happen and women who chose help instead of hair shirts don't get punished either.

How are you defining whether they have hg or not? You can just be nauseous and still have hg, nausea is debilitating too. Why would they be exaggerating how tired they are? It’s perfectly possible to be passing out tired in pregnancy. Your ‘friends’ won’t be pregnant forever, but it’s up to you whether you stay so judgy forever.

Cancer isn’t a choice, pregnancy is, can’t believe you would think the 2 are comparable, this is the mentality I face daily in healthcare