To roll my eyes at pregnancy excuse

[Fuzzyduck31]

It must be my age but recently I’ve had more friends and acquaintances being pregnant and I am surprised (bemused?) by the ideas some people have.
I get that morning sickness/ nausea is bad but I have a friend who is acting completely incapacitated by it? It’s not HG just the normal nausea sicky feeling in first trimester.
I have another friend who can not organise a baby shower for her sister because she is also pregnant?!
Another friend has just had a baby and has called her mum to look after the baby while she sleeps all day?
AIBU as I went through this twice not looking for the type of complete support that these other women feel entitled to?
I am happy for them all and feel like a bad person thinking this but just wondered if anyone else has noticed a trend towards this complete incapacitation as a pregnant/ new mum?

Well said. Also one of the first thing people on here suggest when posters say they're sleep deprived is "would your mum come and watch the baby while you nap for a while". Seems weird to slate someone for doing exactly that.

I think it's more acceptable to admit you're struggling, yes.

Which is a good thing in this context.

Yay you superstar at being pregnant op. Must be amazing sailing though life never having a problem!

You obviously have no idea how debilitating pregnancy related illnesses can be for some women. Throughout history, pregnancy has killed women - it's not an easy, straightforward process for many. Some do get through with zero, mild or moderate difficulty but that doesn't apply to all.

YABU. Pregnant effects everyone differently.

I am currently 13 weeks and still struggling to keep any food down. Constant sickness. Since week 7 I’ve barely been able to leave the house.

Ive had friends who were a bit sick for a week or so but then were fine for the rest of pregnancy. I’ve then had other friends who had a terrible third trimester but flew through the first. It’s all individual how it affects you.

As for your friend who has had her mum round to look after her baby while she sleeps then I think it’s fantastic her mum is supportive and willing to do that.

My first pregnancy I was sick just once, no nausea, cycling 5 miles to work and back everyday. Never missed a social event. Was so energised. I only got tired towards the end. Everytime since then someone said they were very ill during their pregnancy I didn't really get it and thought they were milking it.

Second time round. God help me, was one of the worst times of my life. I couldn't stand up without being sick. My husbands scent became repulsive and I couldn't eat one thing without throwing up. I had to lie in a dark room most days. Water was gross too. It was as extreme as it sounds.

From now on won't judge a other soul for being sick during pregnancy

Yes! I had first baby late teens and flew through pregnancy and motherhood in general, now I have a new baby in my 30’s and my god I wad floored. All day sickness for 6 months, restless leg syndrome, I lost 2 stone in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. To put it I was F-ed! However as I had another child and fulltimw work I had to get stuff done but somedays I lay on the bathroom floor all day so I didn’t have to go far to throw up. Different for everyone, people have different famillies, some help, some don’t. Either way it doesn’t affect your life OP so don’t worry about it tbh

I've had four pregnancies and 3 healthy babies.

I've sailed through pregnancy 1, 2 and 4.

Pregnancy 3 was fucking grim. I didn't have HG, but I was felt so sick I could barely move.
you know when you lay there and your mouth is watering and you darent move a muscle in case you hurl?
That. All day long.

The exhaustion was out of this world. Every muscle in my body was fatigued, I could barely function.

The other pregnancies were so easy I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant if it hadn't been for the bump.

SO YABVU

This is so true. My second child never slept, always crying, felt like I was going mad at times along with huge guilt I was doing something ‘wrong’. Later turned out he’s autistic and poor mite was probably stressed out by the world from day dot. To have had a rest/break especially in the first 2 years would have been a godsend. Ever since I split with their dad and he has them one night a week I’ve realised just exactly how much lack of sleep and any personal time takes its toll on your well-being. Good for any mum who gets that extra help in those early days, maybe they’ll end up with far less stress lines than I’ve gained in the last few years!

Pregnancy has absolutely floored me both times. I accepted any help I could, I was physically and mentally wrecked. Why is that a problem? Was I supposed to struggle on and do a stiff upper lip, because it’s “just” pregnancy?

I had sections for both births. It’s major surgery. Both times I was offered help and took it, gratefully. There are no parenting medals for getting up on day three to hobble on the school run with a gaping abdominal wound and a leaky fanny and zero sleep.

Why struggle on your own when you have people only too willing to help? Just because you managed X, why does someone else have to manage Y if there's an easier way?

I get it in a way, because I've spent my life trying not to ask for help from people and deal with stuff by myself, but that has cut me off from a lot of support, and I wish I'd been more open to accepting for and asking help. I think it does make you, not exactly bitter, but judgemental and probably jealous to see other people getting help that you either didn't have or didn't choose to ask for.

Does it affect you if other women ask for help and receive it? I think it’s good we are returning to “it takes a village” mentality because although it might be possible it’s not fair to expect new mothers to isolate themselves and look after babies entirely on their own if they can get help.

The idea that mothers should handle things without support is a relatively new one. For generations we would have had support from our own mothers, female relatives, neighbours etc. In Asia they even have “confinement nannies” who look after mum and baby for the first month purely to get mum’s strength up and help her in that newborn stage. This is not new, it’s a tradition that is hundreds of years old.

To suggest that mums who ask for help and receive it somehow lack moral fibre or toughness is ludicrous.

I agree with the op to a certain degree. Often pregnancy and childbirth is the first time a young woman isn't in complete control of her own body and life, more so now than years ago with women being older when they have a family and having many years of being employed and having free time. Being pregnant with all its physical symptoms can come as a huge shock to some. Same when the baby arrives and suddenly it's a massive shift in her lifestyle and routines. Having worked in the nhs in women's health we were told that the rise in post partum depression is seen most in white middle class older mums and it's attributed directly to the fact that they have trouble adjusting to their new life as a mum from their old life as a independent person with their own money and free time. Not worded it as well as I'd like as I'm in a rush got to get back to work.

I agree and disagree with you.

I had my baby at 40. I never felt better (for the first two trimesters anyway, then I was unable to sleep and kept fainting). I loved being pregnant, even the sickness.

There was a younger woman in work on her third. She took me aside multiple times and suggested I go to her doctor and 'get signed off' early. She herself did this and roared laughing to us the day she finished up. I was sickened. Actions like that are what keep the glass ceiling firmly in place above women's heads. The same woman told me excitedly to 'be sad' (I was floating with happiness as a new mum) to get extended leave. We are teachers and face enough criticism already for these type of crappy stunts.

I do know other women like you've described who immediately cancel life before they even try to see how their pregnancy pans out. So I agree to a degree.

I hesitate though because I know my pregnancy experience was very very positive and it's not fair to compare it.

I've had mutiple pregnancies, sailed through my second son. The pregnancy after that was horrific I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow without being sick for months. I slept 16 hours a day. I was pregnant with triplets though so... maybe a good excuse?

I do agree some people use as a excuse when really they could get on with it but it's like that with most things isn't it? A cold, a virus, depression etc.

I think it’s just more acceptable now to be honest about how shit you feel.

which is not before time and no bad thing.

Not sure what your point is really . If someone feels incapacitated by their morning sickness then it sounds worse than normal. And I definitely had family looks after baby in the day just so I could sleep, it was bliss.

Well we’ll see what you’re like when you’re carrying. I’ve never read such an unfeeling, unempathetic original post. And yes I DID have hg and was hospitalised I hope you never are op.

Aaaaaaand, did you get a medal for that? No?

Could life have been made a bit easier by people showing some understanding if you'd let them know?

My normal diet is calculated to improve my gut health, contributing to my positive mental health and managing anxiety.

My normal diet is completely fucked by pregnancy. The more tired I am, the more sick I am, the more dehydrated, and the less I eat. I have to eat the diet of someone with serious depression to get any calories at all.

I ask for rest and tolerance of my food aversions.

Anyone who suffered on without taking reasonable adjustments as needed is an idiot martyr to be quite honest.

Ah so you’re a Superhero Martyr Mum 🦸‍♀️

SHAME on these women for asking for support instead of struggling through heroically with no help!

@Hehasasecretfriend I encountered a colleague who sounds similar to this and I was also pretty disgusted by her behaviour, especially as I was pregnant at the time. It does mothers such a disservice to behave like this as this is the kind of thing that makes other colleagues/employers nervous about hiring mothers/women of childbearing age because they have poor experiences. I was very careful not to take the piss at work or moan at all to any colleagues for this reason.

It's why I also worry about all this talk around menstrual and menopause leave - women are not delicate flowers who need constant excusal from daily life. It worries me that this is what these conversations lead to.

When i was pregnant I had HG but I was also shocked at how exhausted I was during the first trimester. I was falling asleep at my desk, going to bed as soon as I got home. I've never been so tired, even when my DD was 4 months and waking incessantly. Being pregnant was so hard for me, so I have a lot of patience and sympathy for women who are pregnant. I think you've got to look after yourself and it's so typical of our society to expect women to carry on as they were when pregnant, as though we aren't growing an entire person with our own body.

Ah more women tearing down women...brilliant

I had two home births with no drugs, not even gas and air or paracetamol. Does that entitle me to roll my eyes at women who have gas and air or epidurals or caesareans? If course not, because my relatively easy birth experience isn't universal, and more than your experience of pregnancy or new motherhood is.

I had HG with two and just ordinary miserable nausea with 1, pretty difficult pregnancies, the usual sleepless babies, and I carried on working a high stress job, taking care of life.

I sure as fuck hope DD and any future daughters-in-law I might have do not feel the need to do the same. I only wish I'd been smart enough to realise that feeling the need to be superwoman benefitted absolutely no one, and I would encourage anyone who needs it to reach out for a helping hand.