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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For regretting my wedding?

111 replies

Weddingregret · 10/07/2023 22:01

I don’t want to go too into detail as it could be outing.

My DH and I have been married for 6 years. We got married in a registry office, went for a meal and then a few of us went for a couple of drinks. Then we had a small honeymoon in the UK with our child.

Neither of us got to wear what we wanted (he wanted a kilt, but wore a suit and I got a secondhand dress from a vintage store). I didn’t even get my hair and makeup done properly, everything was rushed on the day and the person I hired to do my makeup was late and messed it up and I ended up with no time left to do my hair.

We did really want to get married because we wanted the marriage not the wedding, but now I feel like I regret not getting to experience a lot of these traditional/cliche things, such as getting to choose the cake, have a first dance, make speeches etc.
We also wanted to write our own vows but then decided to leave it as it was only a small wedding.

I feel sad sometimes that we didn’t have that. We have more income now and I keep wondering about some type of do over/vow renewal. I know these are frowned upon and people presume someone’s cheated etc. But I keep thinking that both our children could be there now, and we could have a proper honeymoon, write some vows and so on…

Am I being selfish? If not, any suggestions what we could do?

YABU - You’re being selfish, grow up and be happy with what you did.

YANBU - It’s normal to have regrets.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingregret · 10/07/2023 22:03

I NC for this btw, I’ve been on here a while.

OP posts:
GwinCoch · 10/07/2023 22:05

Do people think vow renewals equal cheating? I have never heard of that. You cut your cloth for your wedding and that’s admirable, much better than getting into debt. Why not chat to your husband and see if he’d like to mark a future anniversary with a bit more of a shindig? There’s nothing wrong with wanting a bit more of a celebration, maybe you can design a bit of a future bigger occasion together with your child? Sounds win-win to me. Everyone involved, vow renewal and a holiday to boot?

Mountainpika · 10/07/2023 22:07

Go ahead. A celebration of your happy marriage and family. Include the children. Renew vows if you want to. It's all about you four, not other people's opinions.

ChubbyMorticia · 10/07/2023 22:08

My husband and I have discussed a do over, because our wedding was such a gong show. Neither of us have good memories of the day, except for the fact we got married.

That said, weddings are expensive and to spend thousands on a party makes both of us cringe. Unless we win the lottery, it’s unlikely to happen

Aaron95 · 10/07/2023 22:08

Who frowns on vow renewals? That's a new one on me.

There is nothing to stop you having a bigger event now you can afford it. Why not plan something for your 10th anniversary?

PonyPatter44 · 10/07/2023 22:09

I think you should go for it. Its your marriage, noone else's, and I bet your friends would love the opportunity to celebrate with you at last.

Tetchypants · 10/07/2023 22:10

Have a Seven Year Hitch do.

riotlady · 10/07/2023 22:15

Aaron95 · 10/07/2023 22:08

Who frowns on vow renewals? That's a new one on me.

There is nothing to stop you having a bigger event now you can afford it. Why not plan something for your 10th anniversary?

It’s definitely a thing on mumsnet, not so sure about irl

Original poster
Weddingregret · 10/07/2023 22:16

I never knew people looked down on vow renewals until MN. For example, threads like this come up if you do a Google search…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/wedding/4792492-vow-renewals-your-thoughts

I don’t really plan to spend thousands, just more than we did the first time.
We had a meal in a chain restaurant and stayed the night in a chain hotel (so even these weren’t fancy). I think I just want a chance to celebrate properly and get to enjoy planning it.

Also, my wedding ring no longer fits after my second pregnancy and I keep postponing buying a new one in case we do a vow renewal 😂

Vow renewals - your thoughts. | Mumsnet

DH and I have been together 22 years this year, married for almost 13. We had a lovely wedding and have since had DC. We are approaching our 40s and...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/wedding/4792492-vow-renewals-your-thoughts

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 10/07/2023 22:18

I like the idea of a bog anniversary bash more than vow renewals personally, but obviously it's up to you OP. You could still pick out a nice dress, get your hair and make-up done, hire a band etc either way.

Curseofthenation · 10/07/2023 22:19

Big* 😂

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2023 22:20

Do you have a 5 or 10 year anniversary coming up? Have a lovely wedding of your dreams and vow renewal at this.

Chewbaccaslime · 10/07/2023 22:21

I regret my wedding but for opposite reasons to you! We wanted a small wedding (would have loved registry office and small family meal!) But we were rallied into having a big do with pressure from family and friends. I hated the big do and big dress etc. We spent a lot of money and after about a year I was gutted we wasted so much that could have been better spent elsewhere.

We're splitting up now as well! So that makes the regret so much worse! I don't regret my marriage. But I do regret the big day!

GwinCoch · 10/07/2023 22:23

Oh ignore the judgey twats! Do what is right for your family! You’re not far off the eighth anniversary which is bronze - think how much fun you could have with that.

TheDuck2018 · 10/07/2023 22:23

We renewed our vows for our 25th wedding anniversary, in Vegas with Elvis 🤣🤣 it was brilliant!
Neither of us have ever cheated, and I've never heard that people actually think like this in real life!!
Go for it!

Lira715 · 10/07/2023 22:23

Do the renewal, buy the dress and book that honeymoon .. who cares what people think, anyone who cares about you will get it .. life’s too short.

GwinCoch · 10/07/2023 22:24

Chewbaccaslime · 10/07/2023 22:21

I regret my wedding but for opposite reasons to you! We wanted a small wedding (would have loved registry office and small family meal!) But we were rallied into having a big do with pressure from family and friends. I hated the big do and big dress etc. We spent a lot of money and after about a year I was gutted we wasted so much that could have been better spent elsewhere.

We're splitting up now as well! So that makes the regret so much worse! I don't regret my marriage. But I do regret the big day!

Sorry you’re going through it, I promise it is brighter on the other side.

CapEBarra · 10/07/2023 22:26

Why not have a marriage blessing (lay or religious)? I’m not a fan of the idea of vow renewal, because vows are for life and don’t need to be renewed, but a ceremony and celebration with friends and family who want to support you in your lives and marriage sounds like a wonderful positive thing, and you could write your own speeches to reflect that. ‘Happy that our loved ones are here to witness and celebrate our marriage and family. You have brought great love and joy to my life…etc.’ followed by a great party in a field/The Ritz/a marquee in the garden - sounds amazing!

WimpoleHat · 10/07/2023 22:28

You’re not selfish - don’t think that. But I do you’d be better to do something forward looking, rather than harking back to an historic event. That ship has sailed and - as you rightly point out - it’s about the marriage, not the wedding day. If you fancy having a party, why not have an anniversary party? Celebrate the life you’ve had and are having. Or spend the money doing something really special as a family to celebrate the life you have together.

Mmhmmn · 10/07/2023 22:29

I wouldn't assume there had been cheating, that wouldn't really occur to me, have never heard of that.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 10/07/2023 22:35

I think that the wedding you had was very sensible .

I find it really worrying to hear how much some young couples spend on their wedding day, but can't afford a housing deposit or struggle with child care costs etc

However if your financial circumstances have changed and it's what you want then by all means have yourself a celebration - vow renewal, party, second honeymoon, whatever !

TheresBoozeInTheBlender · 10/07/2023 22:35

I've been to 2 renewals and both were after affairs so yeah, I'd wonder. But it would be none of my business anyway so just do what you want!

Toniii · 10/07/2023 22:40

I've definitely heard of people thinking someone's had an affair etc, not just on MN either. But if you want to do it do it.

Pallisers · 10/07/2023 22:44

Throw a really great party for an anniversary - 7th or 8th or whatever one suits you best. Dress up and have your make up and hair done. DH can wear a kilt if he wants. Get a photographer or ask a friend to take photos. Make speeches about how much you love each other/whatever you want. You don't need to renew vows to have the party you want that celebrates your marriage.

WandaWonder · 10/07/2023 22:48

I can't say I would think cheating but I don't see the point really, if I was very close to someone I would go otherwise I would wish them well and politely decline