For regretting my wedding?

[Weddingregret]

I don’t want to go too into detail as it could be outing.

My DH and I have been married for 6 years. We got married in a registry office, went for a meal and then a few of us went for a couple of drinks. Then we had a small honeymoon in the UK with our child.

Neither of us got to wear what we wanted (he wanted a kilt, but wore a suit and I got a secondhand dress from a vintage store). I didn’t even get my hair and makeup done properly, everything was rushed on the day and the person I hired to do my makeup was late and messed it up and I ended up with no time left to do my hair.

We did really want to get married because we wanted the marriage not the wedding, but now I feel like I regret not getting to experience a lot of these traditional/cliche things, such as getting to choose the cake, have a first dance, make speeches etc.
We also wanted to write our own vows but then decided to leave it as it was only a small wedding.

I feel sad sometimes that we didn’t have that. We have more income now and I keep wondering about some type of do over/vow renewal. I know these are frowned upon and people presume someone’s cheated etc. But I keep thinking that both our children could be there now, and we could have a proper honeymoon, write some vows and so on…

Am I being selfish? If not, any suggestions what we could do?

YABU - You’re being selfish, grow up and be happy with what you did.

YANBU - It’s normal to have regrets.

I would definitely assume affair if I was invited to a vow renewal. Or at least some other big problem that had caused a near split. Doesn't mean inwpumdnt totally support the event and enjoy it. I love a wedding so would be totally up for getting dressed up and a nice meal and buying a gift. But I would be wondering what poor behaviour had prompted it.

On the flip side OP I had a traditional wedding. Nothing ostentatious (especially when I read wedding dramas on here) or overly fancy but local church and lovely meal in a nice hotel etc etc and we are still very happily married but almost twenty years later and it annoys me when I think what we spent as on reflection I'd have preferred a much smaller say. The money we spent would have been better used as a bigger house deposit.

It's normal to have regrets in life, about all sorts of past decisions. If this is your biggest regret, you are doing very well!

Instead of a vow renewal, have a party. Maybe for your 10th anniversary? Rent out a space, invite all your friends, music and dancing, big cake, great dress, DH can wear the kilt: to celebrate your marriage, without the dull and possibly cringy vow renewal part. Everyone loves a party.

Mumsnet frowns on renewals! Never heard of it otherwise!

I've heard it loads that it is used by cheating men to butter up their wives and as part of the 'I've changed' narrative.

I didn't have a vow renewal as such but for our 10th anniversary we rented a big villa in the Italian countryside and invited the friends who were a part of the bridal party and their families and we all stayed together for a week. On the actual day of the anniversary we all got dressed up and had a lovely dinner together. I am divorced now but I look back at the anniversery trip with much more fondness than the wedding, which I didn't really like much.

You should absolutely have your special day op and I wouldn’t bother waiting for a milestone to justify it either!

I would be completely transparent about the reasons too, you had a smaller wedding at the time and now want a big and beautiful day to celebrate your marriage and family now you are in a position to do so. People will be thrilled to come and don’t hold back on the flowers and cake or whatever you missed the most - we have just one life.

I have never heard abbot renewal being connected with affairs. Here affairs are connected to divorce mostly and no one wants to ‘highlight’ the indiscretion with a party in any event!!! 😄

That sounds amazing!

To be fair I don’t actually know anyone who’s had a renewal!

YANBU

It's fine to have regrets that a momentous occasion in your life didn't go as you'd like it to. I've heard of quite a few people who've had the blues after their wedding and beyond because either it didn't go as planned or something went wrong or they just wanted something different to what they had. It's fine to feel that way, don't feel guilty about that.

I think most people assume a vow renewal is after an affair yes, because the original vows are intended to be forever or until legal dissolution so that sort of negates the point of renewing them, the whole point is that they are ongoing. So you'd only renew if you'd broken the original vows. Hence why people renew vows after someone cheats: you're starting afresh and making that promise again.

If you want to have a big anniversary party then do that instead. Unless you're super into a renewal and don't mind people assuming one of you was unfaithful.

Could you do a destination wedding vows renewal with your kids?

YANBU. I would have felt the same. If we couldn’t have had the traditional white fairytale wedding I would have waited until we could, because it’s not something you can ever do again.

People aren’t going to be excited for a vow renewal, they aren’t going to make the effort and they don’t really mean anything.

Unfortunately the day is done, so it’s best to remember it for the good parts and not try and do it again because you can’t.

Why not have a lovely holiday abroad and renew your vows there with just the 4 if you. You can then spend the money on enjoying a holiday together as well. Could still get new pics done etc x

I’ve never heard of any shade for vow renewals although I’ve never actually known anyone who had one either. I feel like people would understand because you did it small and would like to now have a bigger celebration. I’d be on board with this if you were my friend or relative. Any excuse for a party!

The attitude towards vow renewals on MN makes me sad and a bit annoyed.
I am a vicar and have done a few vow renewal services, often at a significant anniversary (20 or 25 years etc) or for other reasons such as OP’s reason or after an illness or challenging period.
I have mostly done low key services but I did do one larger service with a reception style do afterwards.

I’m sure that infidelity is one reason but it’s one of many and the silly/bitchy MN assumption that this is the case takes away from the many couples who do this for other reasons. Also, if a couple genuinely want to recommit after infidelity then that could potentially be supported by people, not just sneered at. Each couples’ circumstances are unique to them.

Have a big anniversary party. Get glammed up.

I am of the ‘vow renewals are daft’ camp - they don’t expire and need renewing, and yes, people might suspect infidelity.

People aren’t going to be excited for a vow renewal, they aren’t going to make the effort and they don’t really mean anything.

this isn’t true for all people and your opinion that they don’t mean anything is entirely subjective (and wrong in my experience as someone who conducts these sorts of services).

My wedding was pretty much like yours OP. Register office, dress I already had.
Dinner for 12 friends and relatives in a local restaurant. Cost barely anything.

I don't regret it at all because it's what I wanted and would still want.

and yes, people might suspect infidelity

this sentence sums up my first post about how cross and sad this attitude makes me.

How sad and cynical that you’d assume this, especially about people you know and love. Particularly if they offer another reason.

I am so please my role exposes me to a completely different side to both weddings and vow renewals than the ones I read about on MN.

I never knew people thought that about vow renewals, I thought people just had them as excuse for a big piss up 😆

Big weddings IMO are a waste of money. You put all that effort into planning everything and on the day you remember none of it. I’m speaking from experience and then I got divorced a year later. Genuinely no one cares about centre pieces/ favours/ coat hangers with “bridesmaid” scrawled on it. The best weddings are the one where the couple enjoy themselves. It’s not about putting on a show for everyone else.

Go for a renewal if it gives you the chance for another party, nothing wrong with that!

I got married in a registry office, just two witnesses, I wore a cream skirt suit that I bought off the market for £15. Afterwards we just went home as I had a 3 month old baby that my mother was looking after, got home, had a few sandwiches and cake and that was it, normal life resumed. I did not want a wedding, just wanted to be married. I have never even thought about renewing vows or anything, as mentioned they are meant to last forever. I can hardly remember the day now to be honest, I was 19 years old and it was over 36 years ago now! 😂

This. I don't think you should try and do your wedding again, you've been married for 6 years and no matter what you do, the feeling will not be quite the same and your guests know it's not your wedding.

That doesn't mean you can't have an amazing party celebrating your marriage though - just do it in a more genuine way. A big anniversary party is a lovely idea and you can all dress up and celebrate your years together.

Choose a date, big birthday or 10th anniversary, book a venue, have a party. If you want to wear a wedding dress then maybe consider taking the kids to an Indian Ocean beach and do a sunset vow renewal, then the party on your return?

Have a 10 year Anniversary celebration?

I didn’t know vow renewals were associated with cheating!
why not have a milestone wedding anniversary party with a vow renewal, speeches etc? Sounds like you had the wedding you could at the time, and most important it was about being married.