For regretting my wedding?

[Weddingregret]

I don’t want to go too into detail as it could be outing.

My DH and I have been married for 6 years. We got married in a registry office, went for a meal and then a few of us went for a couple of drinks. Then we had a small honeymoon in the UK with our child.

Neither of us got to wear what we wanted (he wanted a kilt, but wore a suit and I got a secondhand dress from a vintage store). I didn’t even get my hair and makeup done properly, everything was rushed on the day and the person I hired to do my makeup was late and messed it up and I ended up with no time left to do my hair.

We did really want to get married because we wanted the marriage not the wedding, but now I feel like I regret not getting to experience a lot of these traditional/cliche things, such as getting to choose the cake, have a first dance, make speeches etc.
We also wanted to write our own vows but then decided to leave it as it was only a small wedding.

I feel sad sometimes that we didn’t have that. We have more income now and I keep wondering about some type of do over/vow renewal. I know these are frowned upon and people presume someone’s cheated etc. But I keep thinking that both our children could be there now, and we could have a proper honeymoon, write some vows and so on…

Am I being selfish? If not, any suggestions what we could do?

YABU - You’re being selfish, grow up and be happy with what you did.

YANBU - It’s normal to have regrets.

Over the years we’ve had big, catered, free bar birthday and Christmas parties and an extravagant wedding. With hindsight (and age), it really was all a big waste of money.

I’ve now stopping hosting these types of events after covid. Very few people do similar, so now we have smaller gatherings with friends who reciprocate in terms of hospitality.

I do understand feeling wedding disappointment though. I got talked into a particular style of dress (elegant, silk, plain). It was nice, but totally different to the big, poofy, sparkly dress I wish I’d had. I also forgot to order a wedding cake. No idea how 🤦🏼‍♀️🙈🤪

It's not really an MN thing to associate renewals with infidelity, it's a society thing. Ask 50 people on the street and I guarantee if they've heard of the idea of a renewal the vast majority will know that it tends to be something couples do after cheating.

As a vicar you clearly meet many people doing renewals so your view is a little biased in that case, you see loads of them so clearly a proportion will be couples who are doing it for reasons other than infidelity, but the average person who doesn't deliver ceremonies definitely thinks that.

Think about it logically, as a vicar (if you genuinely are one): when you do a marriage ceremony, do the vows have a built in expiration date? No. They're usually explicitly 'til death do us part', that's the whole point of a vow, it's permanent unless someone dies or you go through legal dissolution. So there's no reason to 'renew' something that is permanent by default. It doesn't make any sense... unless the vow/promise was broken. Then you make it again at a renewal.

If you are a vicar I'm quite frankly saddened by your judgment towards other people's views (and the dominant view, in society not just on MN) about vow renewals. If it makes you 'cross' that there's a wider interpretation of them than yours that says something about you tbh.

If you want to waste money on a fancy party that’s your choice, but essentially that’s what a wedding/vow renewal is. Never heard of a vow renewal meaning cheating before - my grandparents did this on one of their big wedding anniversaries (think it was the 50 years one)

@FuckTheLemonsandBail you realise not all vows are made religiously right? You also realise your inability to see that vow renewal does not equal cheating is rather narrow minded. The tone of your post comes across as furious that someone would differ in opinion to you and that says a lot more about you than the PP you’re replying to.

If you fancy a party - have a party. And if you want a vow renewal have that too. Buy a dress, have a posh night away - have a day about you. Why not?

To be honest, I had the big expensive wedding with all the trimmings, and I regret the money spent now.
The lead in was so stressful and the day went so quickly. My £££ dress has been in the loft for 12 years. I keep thinking that it could have significantly reduced the mortgage or been a deposit in due course for the DC.
I think yours sounds lovely.
Why not have an anniversary celebration if you’d like a party and speeches?

I was about to say that we don’t all get married under a religious ceremony, I got married in 2005 and it wasn’t religious wording so it’s not a new concept!

So much judgement on vow renewal here - I have been to two and they were way markers - one was 25 years and the other was 40 - nothing to do with infidelity, just a redeclaration. Wouldn’t have occurred to me that anyone would be tutting and projecting their own narrative on to proceedings. People are gross sometimes.

You realise that non-religious vows often contain promises to trust/respect the other person, which many people feel is betrayed during infidelity?

You also realise that your inability to see that vow renewal is commonly seen as in response to infidelity (not always, but commonly, see thread) doesn't negate that being true?

The tone of your post comes across as angry that someone would respond to an opinion with a different opinion and that says a lot more about you than me tbh 🤗

I didn’t know vow renewals were associated with cheating!

I know only one couple who've renewed their vows and it was because he cheated. Therefore vows were broken, remedy is to retake vows. All fixed.
Maybe.

I don't think people are tutting about vow renewals in general, just pointing out the regardless of what you say as the couple it's such an established thing to renew vows after an infidelity some people WILL absolutely suspect it.

OP might not be bothered by that suspicion at all but it's a bit naïve to pretend it isn't a thing so better that she's aware.

If you want to waste money on a fancy party that’s your choice,

If it gives her what she wants, it isn’t a waste of money.

Is it an MN thing or an IRL thing? I have literally never heard of it as being associated with cheating. Probably comes down to social circles if it is as prevalent as is being suggested. I’ve been to two and they were just about a sweet reaffirmation of love. No naïvety here, just my own life experience at the grand old age of 44.

@FuckTheLemonsandBail you realise that because promises don’t have expiration dates does not negate the fact that people often renew vows based on big milestones or events in their life, infidelity being only one of those right?

Quite frankly you are close minded and determined to start a fight with everyone on here that does not see vow renewals as a marker for infidelity. You must have had some events in your life that have caused you to be incredibly bitter, I hope you can move past those.

@GwinCoch its definitely a MN thing.

I don't understand why couples can't be left alone/encouraged to have the wedding THEY want, rather than facing such pressure to have the kind of wedding others believe you should have. You MiL had her wedding, and presumably organized it the way she wanted. Why couldn't she have allowed you the same courtesy?

We did elope. Orthodoxy, following tradition 'because you're supposed to' and big parties are not our thing at all, and I personally find the idea of speeches and first dances especially tedious. The in-laws strongly disapproved of our choice (and have never forgiven me for not relinquishing my own family name). Everyone else, including my family, were thrilled for us.

We've never for one moment regretted it and would do the same again. I'm only sorry your family's thinking it's all about them deprived you of the wedding you wanted. I'm all for people doing these things in a way that makes them happy.

Is it an MN thing or an IRL thing? I have literally never heard of it as being associated with cheating

It’s a real life thing. I was in a pub at the weekend and overheard a conversation where someone’s vow renewal was mentioned. The first response was “Who cheated?” From a man who didn’t look like he scrolled through MN. I could be wrong though.

I understand why you feel you missed out OP but I think it’s a double edged sword.
Everyone I know who spent £20k plus on a ‘big traditional’ wedding ends up regretting it at least a bit and would rather have that money to do other things with.
Everyone I know who either eloped or has a small cheap wedding ends up regretting they ‘missed out on the big experience’

I don’t think there is a wedding you could have that you wouldn’t end up feeling somewhat remorseful about.

If you want to renew your vows then do it, it doesn’t matter what others think or their opinions. I’d be cautious about building your expectations of others though, dependant on what sort of family/friendship circle you have. In my circles a vow renewal would earn a few raised eye brows and sarcastic comments and I’m not sure would be taken too seriously so I wouldn’t bother as feel I’d ultimately we disappointed 😂 but your family and friends might think it totally normal.

It’s a real life thing. I was in a pub at the weekend and overheard a conversation where someone’s vow renewal was mentioned. The first response was “Who cheated?”

I agree. Only couple I know who renewed vows was because he cheated.
That was long, long before I discovered MN.

Sorry, OP, I haven't RTFT. But my friend did exactly this a few years ago. She didn't do a ceremony but she did everything that usually comes afterwards starting from the meal - big meal, cake, first dance, party. Her and her DP had wedding outfits, hair/make-up, flowers, speeches etc.

Like you, her first wedding wasn't what she'd hoped for because of various reasons. So she decided to do it again.

In her invite she was really clear on the reasons for doing it (that her first wedding was a bit of a let down), that they were happily married and now wanted a chance to celebrate their marriage how they actually wanted to. She was clear that there was no obligation to come, that they absolutely didn't want presents, and that this wasn't a vow renewal.

Obviously they had far fewer people come along but the people who did come where those genuinely invested/cared rather than aunts/uncles who felt obliged.

So, yes, go for it. But adjust your expectations. And I'd also say you need 'better' reasons for asking people to come to another wedding/event than just your hair/outfit wasn't quite what you wanted.

FWIW, vow renewal 100% screams cheating in my book.

Are you okay? I mean that genuinely. I've responded to one poster who was in a tizz about the general perception of vow renewals, and then to you, who bizarrely took umbrage with that (possible that you're the vicar's other username). Many people have pointed out that the general perception of a vow renewal is that it's after infidelity, and I certainly haven't said they can't be for any other reason, just that that's why many people will think.

I'm guessing you've had a vow renewal and are now upset panicking about what guests might have intimated about your relationship? But trying to start a scrap with anonymous people on mumsnet is unlikely to bring you any closure on that. or whatever else is behind your behaviour. I wish nothing but the best for you and I hope you can find a way forwards with whatever is going on with you. Life is too short to allow yourself to be eaten up by words on a forum 😊

Definitely an IRL thing. Look at how many people have pointed out that it was their understanding of renewals. Clearly not everyone has heard of it but it absolutely isn't a MN thing, and posters saying it must be because they hadn't heard of it are being a bit obtuse considering the number of responses saying it's a real life thing lol.

Just something to bear in mind for anyone considering one. And unfortunately the more someone tries to point out it's not after infidelity the more guests will think they're just trying to convince themselves. It's just one of those things. Personally I think there's something beautiful about the fact that marriage vows are intended to be permanent until death or divorce. Renewing it feels a bit like cheapening the original promise unless the promise was broken, but people can do what they want with their cash.

I have been to a few renewals over the last couple of years (usually anniversary mark) i have never considered it to be about cheating. Go for it, go whole hog and explain to guest no gifts required if people see it as a money thing. Enjoy the day of your dreams. We only live once and arent long on this planet certainly not long enough to have regrets that you can fix.....Vote here for you NOT AIBU

In the same vein look how many people on this thread have said they’ve never heard of it being associated with cheating. I’d say it’s 50:50 so not obtuse.

In the same way that you consider renewal cheapening whereas others find it reaffirming and beautiful. Horses for courses I guess.

We are totally NC with MIL now and have been for about 18 years so I really wish I'd been stronger and just said no and had made my own choices. I was young and wanted to please and make people happy. You live and you learn! ❤️

I think you should go for it. It sounds like you have good reasons to, children being there, ring not fitting etc. Even if you didn't have good reason, you get one life and you should live it as you wish. I've also never heard of vow renewal being because someone cheated, I've never looked at it as such or as something weird or attention seeking. It sounds like you both want to do it, so why not? Have the day of your dreams and create memories to look back on rather than looking back in regret and stuff what anyone else thinks 😊