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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childhood friend RUDE about my choice to send DC to Private School

151 replies

OhTheHokeyKokey · 10/07/2023 21:02

Silent/observing mumsnetter here..

Childhood friend who I would consider to have been one of my best friends growing up..

Haven't had much interaction over the last 5-6 yrs due to living abroad.

Met up a few weeks ago and discussed our kids education. Said I was sending mine to a single-sex private school..

Reaction was:

  • "why would you do that?" and
  • "I want my kids to be grounded so I'm more inclined to send them to the local state school".. - I thought this was the most rude comment
"Oh yes I've heard of 'said' school and inquired about it and they offered us a place straight by away which I thought was weird" - undertones of 'school must be desperate to offer places willy nilly'

FYI "said" school is non selective at reception so enquiries would obvs result in places being offered!

As a side note, me AND this friend both went to single-sex private schools.. hence why I thought reaction was odd.. we both had a happy time.

AIBU - don't tell her I found her comments judgy and just let it slide
YANBU - tell her she was a rude, judgy cow and that I didn't appreciate her comments. I would NOT judge her choices

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 10/07/2023 21:04

Move on. Wave a cheery goodbye. Your lives are taking different paths.

yipeeyiyay · 10/07/2023 21:06

'Ah well you see, I had such a great time at school, I wanted to offer the same opportunity to my dc'

Coffeesnob11 · 10/07/2023 21:06

Could she struggle to afford it and feels bad deep down so is kidding herself and others? Even so I would still wish my friends the best. I would ignore her.

Curseofthenation · 10/07/2023 21:09

Perhaps she feels awkward that she can't afford to send her DC to a private school? She may be emailed them, but maybe she realised it wasn't feasible and is finding hard to not be jealous. I would let it go unless she brings it up again. If she does, perhaps a comment such as 'well, we turned out perfectly grounded after attending private school' will stop her in her tracks.

Original poster
OhTheHokeyKokey · 10/07/2023 21:09

Coffeesnob11 · 10/07/2023 21:06

Could she struggle to afford it and feels bad deep down so is kidding herself and others? Even so I would still wish my friends the best. I would ignore her.

Friend has a great job (as does her DH).. they are both lawyers. Don't think ££ is an issue here..
or maybe is it?! Hmm

OP posts:
meddysam · 10/07/2023 21:10

Is she one of those people who speak before they think? Did she hate the single sex experience?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/07/2023 21:11

I'd just say "I enjoyed the type of school you and I went to when we were young so want the same for dd"

Then just let her froth all she likes, while slowly seeing less and less of her.

Ifailed · 10/07/2023 21:13

Not so silent boast.

PastTheGin · 10/07/2023 21:13

You sending your dc is perceived by your friend as a criticism of their choice. Just continue to do what you think works best for your family, there is no right or wrong choice. Your friend is insecure.

PissOffJeffrey · 10/07/2023 21:16

Maybe she doesn't remember the experience as fondly as you.

Maybe she wants something different for her child.

All seems fine to me & I really don't see her reaction as rude.

SemperIdem · 10/07/2023 21:17

Lots of people don’t agree with private education, even if they were sent to private schools themselves.

You’ve been friends forever - she felt comfortable enough to be open with her opinions, you should feel comfortable in telling her how that made you feel 🤷🏻‍♀️

But don’t pretend you’ve never judged someone else’s choices, you’ve probably just been more tactful about it. Everyone judges the choices of others, it’s human nature.

OprahWinfery · 10/07/2023 21:17

Learn to get on with people who have opposing views without feeling bad / attacked personally. You don’t need her to validate your choices. And you’re not doing it to please her, so why does it matter what she thinks? It’s good she has views, and so do you, but must we always only get on and move around with people we agree on everything with? We don’t have to live in a bubble of people agreeing with us all the time.

TheKeatingFive · 10/07/2023 21:17

I wouldn't engage. You made a choice, it's not up to her to support that or not, it's none of her business.

QuickWash · 10/07/2023 21:17

"I want my kids to be grounded so I'm more inclined to send them to the local state school".. - I thought this was the most rude comment

It's not the most rude comment though, is it?

There are lots of downsides to private education, and to single sex education (in addition to the undeniable advantages). It may be that she has found some of this challenging as she goes through life. I know many people who went to single sex schools who do not want their DC to be so sheltered or to have to little 'working knowledge" of the other sex. Some vocational jobs are difficult to navigate if you've been very sheltered and protected from how a lot of less financially advantaged people live and the challenges they face day to day. Medicine for example.

The vast, vast majority do not send their DC to independent schools, either because it is a luxury hugely out if reach financially, or because they disagree with it socially/morally etc, so it won't the only time someone says something less than positive about your choices. You probably need to develop a thicker skin about it and be confident in your choices.

We have lots of friends who pay for private education. I wouldn't dream of it and think they're nuts, but we just don't discuss it beyond small talk and genuine interest in their dc wellbeing. The same as I think spending huge sums of money on 2 weeks all inclusive in a resort is mad - we acknowledge we all have different priorities.

Only you can decide if this one divergence of views means you can't be friends. If you value the friendship then you will have to agree to disagree and avoid talking about it going forward. If you need her to be positively positive about your choices then that may be an ask too far.

BestServedChilled · 10/07/2023 21:18

it is inverted snobbery and just a really stupid question on her part . Why does anyone fork out a small fortune to educate their kids? Because they want the best for their kids.

If she lives in an affluent area and has a good local state primary and secondary then it is a fairly safe choice isn’t it! You can “ground” your child amongst other well-to-do kids.

My parents were not wealthy but I got into a selective state secondary. Believe me it wasn’t very grounded. Grounded was the sink school across town, where gangs and pregnancies and drugs and sexual harassment were rife and there were few in the sixth form and almost no one got the grades to go to a good university.

I did know some lovely kids who were sent to the sink school on principle by their parents. They didn’t flourish and I still, to this day, don’t understand why the parents thought it was a good idea.

so - the question is - what kind of “grounding” does your friend want for her kids? Is she going for the full-out “life in all it‘s gory detail” experience?

I think that’s a question worth exploring with her.

BestServedChilled · 10/07/2023 21:28

@QuickWash i hear you, but in a world of upskirting; where 27% of 11 year olds have watched porn online; where boys play “Top Trumps” with naked photos of the girls in their year; in a world of deep fake and viral videos… I am happy for my daughter to be sheltered.

Several boys in my dd’s year 6 relatively nice primary school repeatedly invited the teacher to suck their c*ck. The lewdness, unpleasantness and generally intimidating environment wasn’t going to improve at the local mixed secondary school which is 70% boys because so many girls escape to the relative safety of the girls school nearby.

So I don’t judge anyone for sending a girl somewhere she can be sheltered from having a “working knowledge” of the opposite sex as it’s not always all it’s cracked up to be.

Labraradabrador · 10/07/2023 21:29

Some parents get weirdly defensive about choices they make about their kids - usually it is a way of dealing with insecurities about said choices. Your friend clearly considered the school (since she got to a point of getting an offer for her own child), but has since made a different decision. Maybe she has lingering uncertainty about her own choice and is trying to reaffirm her choice to herself.

obviously you don’t need her approval or validation. Second guessing another parent’s well considered decisions is a bit rude. I would hope this is a momentary departure and won’t be repeated, but if it becomes a regular refrain, then I would step back from the relationship.

PissOffJeffrey · 10/07/2023 21:31

BestServedChilled · 10/07/2023 21:28

@QuickWash i hear you, but in a world of upskirting; where 27% of 11 year olds have watched porn online; where boys play “Top Trumps” with naked photos of the girls in their year; in a world of deep fake and viral videos… I am happy for my daughter to be sheltered.

Several boys in my dd’s year 6 relatively nice primary school repeatedly invited the teacher to suck their c*ck. The lewdness, unpleasantness and generally intimidating environment wasn’t going to improve at the local mixed secondary school which is 70% boys because so many girls escape to the relative safety of the girls school nearby.

So I don’t judge anyone for sending a girl somewhere she can be sheltered from having a “working knowledge” of the opposite sex as it’s not always all it’s cracked up to be.

Sorry to burst your bubble but that primary school was not "relatively nice".

Oceanus · 10/07/2023 21:46

"Oh yes I've heard of 'said' school and inquired about it and they offered us a place straight by away which I thought was weird"
This is nonsense. Schools don't offer places unless one applies. So, she applied because she wanted a place! Why would she apply unless she wanted one?!
Clearly she isn't against private schools! I think she applied, because she wanted her kid to go to one, but her kid -unlike your bright kid- didn't get in. This is nothing but sour grapes on her part.
I've come across people like this. They're just jealous of what you have. They want sth you have but can't get it, so they bad-mouth what you have to make themselves feel/look better.
I had a "friend" like this many many moons ago back a uni. I bought a pair of fancy schmancy sunglasses and when she saw them she went "oh, are those new? And you didn't say anything!"... Less than a week later she had to go "oh, look at my new sunglasses! aren't these great! Aren't they gorgeous? They're the premium brand from the company that owns this other (my) brand. These were sooooo expensive!"
This happened with other things and it was so bloody obvious other people picked up on it and made comments, so my advice is: LTBitch. She's no friend. She's trying to belittle you because she's jealous. Be careful with jealous people.
Like the good people of MN say: when somebody shows you who they are believe them the first time.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 10/07/2023 21:47

For those saying she isn't rude - it's all very well thinking those things but to come out with them right after your friend has said they're thinking of private school themselves? Rude.

TheaBrandt · 10/07/2023 21:49

You never comment negatively on a friends choices unless they are going to actively shoot themselves in the foot and it would be a kindness to warn them.

The only acceptable response to anyone else's childs school choice is "how lovely".

SemperIdem · 10/07/2023 21:57

TheaBrandt · 10/07/2023 21:49

You never comment negatively on a friends choices unless they are going to actively shoot themselves in the foot and it would be a kindness to warn them.

The only acceptable response to anyone else's childs school choice is "how lovely".

My friends and I are more direct with each other.

If I told a friend I’d made x choice and the only response was a mild “oh how lovely”, I’d not be able to rest until I got the real response out of them! Even if I don’t like a friends opinion, I’d still rather know.

Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2023 21:58

I lost a few “friends” over our decision to send DD Private.
I value her education over their friendship so I really don’t care

HeddaGarbled · 10/07/2023 22:04

You must know that private education is a topic that some people have strong feelings about.

You’re going to have to avoid some friends, relatives & acquaintances, lie, or get a thicker skin.

Dotcheck · 10/07/2023 22:04

If money isn’t an issue, and you both were privately educated in a same sex school- I would wonder if her experience really was positive.
If she is a really good friend, then I’d be temp to ask her if she did have a good experience.

Failing that, maybe she has come to realise that our two tier system is deeply unfair, and struggles to keep a lid on her feelings.