Childhood friend RUDE about my choice to send DC to Private School

[OhTheHokeyKokey]

Silent/observing mumsnetter here..

Childhood friend who I would consider to have been one of my best friends growing up..

Haven't had much interaction over the last 5-6 yrs due to living abroad.

Met up a few weeks ago and discussed our kids education. Said I was sending mine to a single-sex private school..

Reaction was:

• "why would you do that?" and
• "I want my kids to be grounded so I'm more inclined to send them to the local state school".. - I thought this was the most rude comment

"Oh yes I've heard of 'said' school and inquired about it and they offered us a place straight by away which I thought was weird" - undertones of 'school must be desperate to offer places willy nilly'

FYI "said" school is non selective at reception so enquiries would obvs result in places being offered!

As a side note, me AND this friend both went to single-sex private schools.. hence why I thought reaction was odd.. we both had a happy time.

AIBU - don't tell her I found her comments judgy and just let it slide
YANBU - tell her she was a rude, judgy cow and that I didn't appreciate her comments. I would NOT judge her choices

I agree with all of this (though not sure I would send my DC as we probably could afford it but there's have to be extenuating circumstances for me to consider it. I feel the downsides outwith the advantages for us)

I don't understand these secondary comps where the intake is so strictly controlled as our catchment area is a very wide geographic area and this has a varied mix of pupil background. I think it must be in very densely populated areas in the south east mostly.

It isn't a rude comment, it is a statement of fact. For the most grounded education, state is best. I'm very glad to be in a position where my children can go private, but obviously this means my children mix with very few children from poor backgrounds.
It isn't in the least surprising that many, many people disapprove of private education. How you deal with their disapproval us up to you.

The key to your argument is that 'state schools' are similar, I don't know where you live but here in the North West places like Altrincham and Knutsford have grammar schools, but also state comps with very small catchment areas.

Most council estates are now privately owned, having been sold off via right to buy. A 2 bed terrace costs the same as a 4 bed semi-detached with large drive in East Manchester.

Even if you say that intakes are 'mixed'. There are still good schools and sink schools. How exactly does the closure of private schools help the latter? The 'rich' only care about the state schools in their area. For example in the places I mentioned the schools have lots of clubs, activities, an active PTA with lots of fundraising. Parents happily pay for school trips.

Closer to me, the sink' school famous for stabbings, bullying etc barely has time to be doing anything enrichment activities - even if they did where would they get the money from, seeing as the PTA isn't active and many wouldn't have the means to pay anyway.

The ONLY way ALL state schools will improve is if more.money is given. Nobody has been able to explain how the rich are magically going to make that happen? They will donate to their local school but how will they help others

Sounds like she's very insecure and unsure about their own decision so she's putting you down and making you feel bad about yours. Fuck that. If she does it again pull her up on it.

I hate this nonsense from friends. What's she like usually with her opinions?

I've a friend with four children. The youngest is a year older than my only DC (relevant as we weren't pregnant at the same time). We are both financially matched - comfortably well off; not necessarily private schools well off but stress-free lives that can afford holidays.

My pregnancy was deemed relatively high risk due to previous illness and surgeries. A natural birth was never on the cards as my uterus would almost certainly rupture so I was having a planned c section two weeks ahead of my due date.

We were having a fairly innocuous conversation about hospital parking of all things which led to me explaining that we had gone semi private due to my complications and wanting extra scans etc

She reacted exactly like your friend and wouldn't drop it! "Stick with the midwife's" became her mantra everytime I saw her. It was so bloody annoying. My decision did not equate judgment about other people's choices, I was simply delighted we could afford to have a choice.

It didn't get any better, sorry to say OP. I find myself spending less and less time with her.

A couple of examples :

I chose a baby name that means something to me. Incidentally I haven't yet come across any other people in real life (I know of two famous people one still alive) but who knows what will be on the top name lists over the next few years but I don't care. Out of nowhere she suddenly announced she knew of FIVE babies recently born with my baby's name. Really, how strange was all I said. She keeps insisting it's true although I haven't brought it up again. It's definitely not true I've discovered as I've checked the census and there have been 'three or less' children born with that name any given year for the last decade. Just weird.

I was told not to be more than an hour from the hospital for the last trimester in case I went to early labour (I can't remember the exact details) so we holidayed locally. This was met with utter derision. I would be fine on holiday apparently because some mythical helicopter would be flying above the boat waiting pull me off if contractions started.

I was chatting to her one day and when she asked if I had any news I said I returned to work earlier that week after being on maternity for a year and it was an adjustment. She scoffed it was hardly a real job (I'm a teacher).

This has continued on through holiday choices, hobbies, childcare decisions.

It is utterly exhausting and I think you're right to have decided it's not on even if you didn't respond at the time.

The next time she does similar call her out on it.

In hindsight I think the fact that I loved being pregnant, felt great, was out and about, was excited and happy (I didn't expect to be able to get pregnant) annoyed her hugely.

Op criticise an aspect of her parenting and see how she likes it.

I don't think this thread is about whether private is better/worse than state schools though clearly so many have a strong view on it. This is about what the "friend" thinks and clearly there's a difference between her actions and her principles.
Let's get real! At the end of the day how many of you, who are dead against private schools & have kids, would bother going through the trouble of looking up contact info for a private school (and I assume she looked at several not just picked a random one) and contacting them about places for their children when you're not interested!? Give me a break, you've probably all got too much on your plate to bother doing that! Where would most find the willpower to waste that time just for the sake of it (or just to find out out how much they charge...?). If it were me I'd rather vegetate on the couch enjoying a little bit of free time rather than going through this much hassle for essentially nothing.
Everything else means nothing when her argument is flawed to begin with. Her previous actions speak to what she believes in. She wanted in but for some reason didn't make the cut. Whether you guys believe private is best/worst is neither here nor there.
But what I really wanted to add is this: what we automatically & culturally perceive as a sign of assured wealth mean nothing. Having a job that pays well doesn't mean you have money. Having a posh car and/or living in an nice neighbourhood means nothing. Who knows whether her husband has an expensive coke habit or is a controlling husband who keeps tabs on the money? It's possible there isn't that much money there... Being a lawyer doesn't make you rich or smart with money.

What the OP is questioning is the rudeness or not of her friend, not whether or not her child should go to private school.
The OP want boasting. Her friend asked her outright, OP replied factually and the friend started to criticise. There are ways of pitt8 g your opinion across without being unkind.

Wasn’t not want.

How ending tax breaks to private schools could help the state sector.
https://www.theguardian.com/education/2023/jul/11/ending-private-school-tax-breaks-raise-15bn-state-sector-thinktank

What the OP is questioning is the rudeness or not of her friend, not whether or not her child should go to private school.
This.

It really doesn't matter what the friend's view of private education is. She was being rude and making a dig at the OP.

If anyone's friends took the approach "You do X? Oh I do Y because (I care about my child, I believe in what's best for my child, Y is morally superior, insert other snidey judgemental comment here) on any other topic, most people would rightly say that the friend is entitled to her views on breastfeeding/sleep training/childcare for young children/enrichment opportunities/screen time etc but she doesn't need to be such an arse about someone else's choices.

The second the parenting topic involves education suddenly normal common sense goes out the window.

I agree with your friend as it happens. I’m in the other end - can afford private fees,
think private schools are both a waste of money and immoral, and constantly having to defend why we’ve chosen state school
when we can give ‘the best’ to D.C.

Just shrug and move on.

I am going to assume your State option isn’t awful

OP, when I decided to send my children to private school a load of people had little comments to make, my personal favourite being "I bet you get a better class of headlice at that school than at [local primary]". Thing was, we weren't offered the local primary but one some distance away which had problems with bullying. So we made the decision we did based on what was available. I have no idea how those other people got their kids into that school given where they lived and can only assume there was some address fraud afoot. Somehow that gave the moral high ground- very odd!

Funny thing was, by year seven they had all switched to private, because little Finley or Evie "wasn't being stretched enough" by the state system. Our local comp was a brilliant school. It's not often you get to see such clear hypocrisy in action.

I don't think the comments are too bad. Depends how she said them. I guess the choice to send private implies you think private is better than the state schools locally, so maybe friend wanted to stand up a bit for her choice in sending her child to state.

I have a good friend sending her children private. I'm happy for them, it works for them. She was telling me all about the school recently as her DS starts yr7 in September. She expressed her anger at how bad state schools are and how this is the main reason she's sending her son private. She talked about the children at private being kinder and more well rounded and better behaved. I had to bite my tongue. I did state that I though the children in my sons year were lovely and I am happy with the school he's going to (state), but it felt awkward.

I like this person. I recognise all parents want the best for their kids. And a few clumsy comments about private Vs state are just that. Not something to fall out over. It's an emotive topic, but ultimately we all want the best for our kids and our choices, however different, reflect that. They also reflect our values but assuming you connect on most other things, I wouldn't fall out over this

I used to get this but from strangers when my DS went to private school but it was more along the lines of how I could possibly afford it. Take no notice. We each do the best we can for our DC.

She was rude, just shrug and say “oh well different schools suit different kids and this one is the right choice for DC”. Then don’t engage again.

We moved to independent from an ofsted outstanding primary which was utterly shit for our DC. They are now so happy and getting a far superior education in their private school and I couldn’t give a shit what anything else thinks about it. Getting a good education is more important than “being grounded” which can be worked on out of school.

This is very typical. She sees you sending your children private as a criticism of her sending her children to state school.

It absolutely is not but as someone who has been in the exact same situation with a friend I will warn you that it probably will continue to cause a divide.

You will make lots of new friends in the new school so all will be fine

Oh that type of put down is 100% par of the course with private and state school mum acquaintances in my leafy town.

It's passive aggressive and stems from envy and jealousy.

It's tiring and boring.

I had this once with a primary school mum after we moved ds. A lady who didn't work and whose husband didn't really work but they lived in a house worth a million, drove a merc and went to the opera a lot.

She very patronisingly told me.that her principles wouldn't allow her to send her children to.private schools. I responded that it was a good job I didn't have any principles. It may have taken a crane to lift her jaw off the playground floor. Funny how the principled can be so pass aggressive but how they hate a riposte and think it's out of order. She never spoke to me again. I didn't give a flying.

Choosing a school is like buying a house. You pick the one that is right for your child and family.

I would truly prefer that all state schools are fantastic, funded to the teeth and give every child the best opportunity. They're not.

My DC has attended private schools throughout. Is it better than state? In some ways, not others. Was it right for them? Yes.

Own your choice. Don't apologise or explain.

Choosing a school is like buying a house. You pick the one that is right for your child and family.

Agree with this. For all you like your house and chose it with all its quirks and compromises, there's countless other viewers who decided something about your house wasn't right.

Same with schools. Nobody is going to have a perfect school but they'll look at their options and make the best arrangements for them and their family.

You've known his person for years - was this a one off, or in the past (when you spent more time together) was there often a tone of superiority and judgement?

Because what youve reported her as saying, in isolation, doesn't seem that judgemental to me. There's a question 'why'+ what she would do + her experience of the school.

Only if there's a trend of her being snarky (if that's the right word) would I seriously take issue. But that's me, and a hypothetical me at that.

If you're old friends she might just not be mincing her words.

Well it was neither supportive or diplomatic but I don't think it was incredibly rude from an old friend.

Lots of people will have similar views, you'll need to learn to shrug them off.

Some people sadly take other people's choices as a reflection/criticism of their own. I think private schooling is often far more contentious than people assume. It's really no ones business what education you choose for your dc.

I'd let one comment slide, if it keeps up then maybe say something. Good luck!