Page 2 | Childhood friend RUDE about my choice to send DC to Private School

Original poster

OhTheHokeyKokey · 10/07/2023 22:47

OprahWinfery · 10/07/2023 21:17

Learn to get on with people who have opposing views without feeling bad / attacked personally. You don’t need her to validate your choices. And you’re not doing it to please her, so why does it matter what she thinks? It’s good she has views, and so do you, but must we always only get on and move around with people we agree on everything with? We don’t have to live in a bubble of people agreeing with us all the time.

Of course.. and I'm happy she has her own views.. but there is a fine line between having opposing views and being downright rude

OP posts:

Original poster

OhTheHokeyKokey · 10/07/2023 22:50

QuickWash · 10/07/2023 21:17

"I want my kids to be grounded so I'm more inclined to send them to the local state school".. - I thought this was the most rude comment

It's not the most rude comment though, is it?

There are lots of downsides to private education, and to single sex education (in addition to the undeniable advantages). It may be that she has found some of this challenging as she goes through life. I know many people who went to single sex schools who do not want their DC to be so sheltered or to have to little 'working knowledge" of the other sex. Some vocational jobs are difficult to navigate if you've been very sheltered and protected from how a lot of less financially advantaged people live and the challenges they face day to day. Medicine for example.

The vast, vast majority do not send their DC to independent schools, either because it is a luxury hugely out if reach financially, or because they disagree with it socially/morally etc, so it won't the only time someone says something less than positive about your choices. You probably need to develop a thicker skin about it and be confident in your choices.

We have lots of friends who pay for private education. I wouldn't dream of it and think they're nuts, but we just don't discuss it beyond small talk and genuine interest in their dc wellbeing. The same as I think spending huge sums of money on 2 weeks all inclusive in a resort is mad - we acknowledge we all have different priorities.

Only you can decide if this one divergence of views means you can't be friends. If you value the friendship then you will have to agree to disagree and avoid talking about it going forward. If you need her to be positively positive about your choices then that may be an ask too far.

No, of course it's definitely not the most rude comment [I've ever had directed at me]. I meant that it was the most rude comment to come out of her mouth during that particular conversation

OP posts:

Original poster

OhTheHokeyKokey · 10/07/2023 22:51

Ifailed · 10/07/2023 21:13

Not so silent boast.

Im very sorry you interpreted my post in that way. Wasn't my intention!

OP posts:

TheOriginalEmu · 10/07/2023 22:51

OhTheHokeyKokey · 10/07/2023 21:02

Silent/observing mumsnetter here..

Childhood friend who I would consider to have been one of my best friends growing up..

Haven't had much interaction over the last 5-6 yrs due to living abroad.

Met up a few weeks ago and discussed our kids education. Said I was sending mine to a single-sex private school..

Reaction was:

"why would you do that?" and
"I want my kids to be grounded so I'm more inclined to send them to the local state school".. - I thought this was the most rude comment

"Oh yes I've heard of 'said' school and inquired about it and they offered us a place straight by away which I thought was weird" - undertones of 'school must be desperate to offer places willy nilly'

FYI "said" school is non selective at reception so enquiries would obvs result in places being offered!

As a side note, me AND this friend both went to single-sex private schools.. hence why I thought reaction was odd.. we both had a happy time.

AIBU - don't tell her I found her comments judgy and just let it slide
YANBU - tell her she was a rude, judgy cow and that I didn't appreciate her comments. I would NOT judge her choices

Lots of people will think the same about private education. So you need to grow a thicker skin.

QuickWash · 10/07/2023 22:54

BestServedChilled · 10/07/2023 21:28

@QuickWash i hear you, but in a world of upskirting; where 27% of 11 year olds have watched porn online; where boys play “Top Trumps” with naked photos of the girls in their year; in a world of deep fake and viral videos… I am happy for my daughter to be sheltered.

Several boys in my dd’s year 6 relatively nice primary school repeatedly invited the teacher to suck their c*ck. The lewdness, unpleasantness and generally intimidating environment wasn’t going to improve at the local mixed secondary school which is 70% boys because so many girls escape to the relative safety of the girls school nearby.

So I don’t judge anyone for sending a girl somewhere she can be sheltered from having a “working knowledge” of the opposite sex as it’s not always all it’s cracked up to be.

A) that experience at primary school is highly unusual (I've worked in many) and indicative of very concerning red flags re safeguarding.

B) I wasn't judging. I don't really have an opinion on it. I was stating what friends and acquaintances have reported as their experiences and reasoning re single sex vs mixed. Some feel it made friendships and early relationships awkward and anxiety provoking or that they conversely rushed into situations they wish they hadn't, because of the "rarity" of their interactions with the opposite sex until uni. Many other people opt for single sex and then counteract this by ensuring their children have a mixed group of friends and clubs like scouts etc.

It is worth remembering that the vast majority of people go to their local mixed comp. Many, many people have no choice. (There's no single sex state schools within an hour's radius of us for example. And you can only go to a single sex girls' school with no single sex boys that I can think of at all.) FWIW, DH, all his siblings, I and a lot of my friends and colleagues did - and all our DC are too. For one of my DDs, having boys to hang out with at school is a saving grace! She struggles with a lot of the drama and vying that goes on with the girls and loves that her kick arounds with her male friends are very relaxed and she knows where she stands. Their school is very clear on single sex sport and changing though, and mobile phones aren't allowed at school, so we're not dealing with a lot of the issues we could be.

Andante57 · 10/07/2023 22:55

Lots of people will think the same about private education. So you need to grow a thicker skin.

I bet you’d be annoyed if anyone criticised any aspect of how you raised your children.
Op, avoid this person in future - life’s too short.

smilesup · 10/07/2023 22:57

She's rude. I would never send my DC to a private school, dislike them intensely for many reasons but wouldn't let on to a friend who had chosen that for their DC unless explicitly asked. It's a bit of a moot point as no one I know could afford it though!

Teder · 10/07/2023 22:57

Andante57 · 10/07/2023 22:55

Lots of people will think the same about private education. So you need to grow a thicker skin.

I bet you’d be annoyed if anyone criticised any aspect of how you raised your children.
Op, avoid this person in future - life’s too short.

The friend was critical of the private education system. People have strong opinions on this.

My sister chose to raise her children as vegetarian and people share their views on this an awful lot too!

HereToo · 10/07/2023 22:57

I feel like I read this exact same thread (or very similar) just a couple of days ago.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/07/2023 22:58

You're being over sensitive.

• "I want my kids to be grounded so I'm more inclined to send them to the local state school"
You're talking about reception age right? Lots of people will think single sex selective from 5 isn't the way to ground children.

"Oh yes I've heard of 'said' school and inquired about it and they offered us a place straight by away which I thought was weird" - perhaps she expected a waiting list or for them to do some finance checks?

She doesn't agree with you, you're close enough for her not to just nod and say "gosh, how lovely" at you.

GwinCoch · 10/07/2023 23:00

Why do you care? You have barely been in touch over the last 5-6 years according to your original post. Seriously. Why do you care? I don’t approve of the fact that all children aren’t entitled to the same level and quality of education in the UK, but I doubt you care what I think either! Spend your money how you want.

QuickWash · 10/07/2023 23:03

OhTheHokeyKokey · 10/07/2023 22:50

No, of course it's definitely not the most rude comment [I've ever had directed at me]. I meant that it was the most rude comment to come out of her mouth during that particular conversation

Show quote history

I just don't think it is that rude though. It's a difference of priorities and opinions. You'd stated your plans and she stated hers. If you've been friends that long you can surely agree to disagree?

One of my oldest friends is a passionate vegetarian and has raised her kids meat free. I'm not, nor will I ever be and I wouldn't make that choice for my kids. We've discussed it honestly before. We are still friends, go in holiday together etc. We just know we feel differently in this issue and accommodate each other.

You won't necessarily get universal reassurance or passive acceptance of all your parenting choices, particularly around more contentious topics like private education. You need to have the courage of your convictions and let comments like this go. Unless you're genuinely conflicted about this choice and open to mulling alternative views over....

QuickWash · 10/07/2023 23:12

Andante57 · 10/07/2023 22:55

Lots of people will think the same about private education. So you need to grow a thicker skin.

I bet you’d be annoyed if anyone criticised any aspect of how you raised your children.
Op, avoid this person in future - life’s too short.

I'd have v few friends if we were all on the same page about everything! Do you honestly cut anyone who is even slightly out of step with you out of your life every time?

I wouldn't say many of our friends and family are exactly the same as us on parenting issues like phones, gaming, sweets, bedtimes, letting them play out unsupervised, pocket money, discipline, chores....we just all take a live and let live approach and let people make their own choices. I might internally raise an eyebrow or silently judge, and I'm sure they do likewise sometimes, but we value our relationships enough to gloss over things and move on. My DC have grown up being told that "different families have different rules" and not to compare.

I vehemently disagree with private education. We have friends and family members who make a big deal out of sending theirs to independent schools. They probably think I'm foolhardy or negligent not to do the same for mine. We still get along, spend time together, celebrate our DC successes.

The world is so polarised all the time. Everyone thinks they should never be offended or cause offence. How can you only be friends with people who 100% agree with you and validate your decisions? Where are we going with this?

Labraradabrador · 10/07/2023 23:16

‘Why would you do that’ as a comment in relation to ANY parenting choice is rude. In the same way a lecture on why my child needs to eat more / less meat would be unwelcome. Or my choice of how I get my child to sleep. Or my choice on breast feeding.

just because the majority use state ed (largely due to lack of choice) doesn’t make someone choosing alternative provision fair game for uninvited commentary on their choice. Unless I ask you for your opinion, I probably don’t want it.

Andante57 · 10/07/2023 23:16

The friend was critical of the private education system. People have strong opinions on this.

If the friend is critical of private schooling then presumably she disapproves of anyone who uses it.

Andante57 · 10/07/2023 23:18

I'd have v few friends if we were all on the same page about everything! Do you honestly cut anyone who is even slightly out of step with you out of your life every time?....we just all take a live and let live approach and let people make their own choices.

Quickwash The op’s friend wasn’t taking a live and let live approach - she was criticising her.
Would you think it rude if someone criticised you for using state schools?

HeddaGarbled · 10/07/2023 23:24

If the friend is critical of private schooling then presumably she disapproves of anyone who uses it

It’s tricky, isn’t it? You can love someone but still be dismayed by the choice they’ve made. And then, do you go hypocrite (don’t say anything) or rude (say something)?

It’s a divisive issue. If anyone’s managed to negotiate it amicably, I admire them for it.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/07/2023 23:24

She can’t afford it and is jealous. That’s it.

QuickWash · 10/07/2023 23:25

Andante57 · 10/07/2023 23:18

I'd have v few friends if we were all on the same page about everything! Do you honestly cut anyone who is even slightly out of step with you out of your life every time?....we just all take a live and let live approach and let people make their own choices.

Quickwash The op’s friend wasn’t taking a live and let live approach - she was criticising her.
Would you think it rude if someone criticised you for using state schools?

The op's friend stated what she planned to do and her reasons for doing so. The op deemed this an inherent criticism of her choice. She will meet very similar from many people.

People criticise all sorts of my choices, including the schools I send my DC to. I don't care because I'm very secure in my decision making and comfortable that I have my DC best interests at heart.

The idea that everyone you're friends with or have dealings with would make the same decisions as you for the same reasons is pie in the sky. Never discussing the differences in our priorities or choices and the reasons why would surely be a weird sanitised and boring state of affairs?

This was a very minor difference of opinion, very mildly stated. Either the op can let it go in the appreciation for the long standing nature of a valued friendship, or she can't. But hoping that no friend will ever disagree with you in the future is unreasonable too. (I don't want friends who smile, nod and praise everything I do and say...it could only be fake.)

Hawkins0001 · 10/07/2023 23:27

If the state is the best id go state, if private is the best and I could cover the $$ then I'd go private.

Andante57 · 10/07/2023 23:31

The idea that everyone you're friends with or have dealings with would make the same decisions as you for the same reasons is pie in the sky. Never discussing the differences in our priorities or choices and the reasons why would surely be a weird sanitised and boring state of affairs?

I think it’s fine to disagree with people about lots of things but in my experience most people don’t like having their decisions about their children criticised.
If they ask your advice about raising children then fine, but unsolicited criticism - in the op’s case, a pointed remark by her friend - doesn’t usually go down very well.

QuickWash · 10/07/2023 23:32

Hibiscrubbed · 10/07/2023 23:24

She can’t afford it and is jealous. That’s it.

I think lots of people who can afford private school fees still wouldn't want to send their child to a single sex school from Reception.

There's a lot of reasons why I wouldn't want that for my 5 year old, jealousy doesn't really feature highly.

SchoolShenanigans · 10/07/2023 23:32

She's being tactless, but she's only being honest.

I feel exactly the same as her. If you're best friends, maybe she feels she can be honest with you.

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 23:36

I made the exact comment to a friend about DS joining (DD went to private school on a bursery because of SEN but I didn’t see the point of paying for DS too) and then his pediatrician said he might also have SEN and the next time I met that friend we were both at the same parent event lol. It’s very possible she doesn’t plan to send her DC at Reception / that school but will send them to private at some point

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 23:38

QuickWash · 10/07/2023 23:32

I think lots of people who can afford private school fees still wouldn't want to send their child to a single sex school from Reception.

There's a lot of reasons why I wouldn't want that for my 5 year old, jealousy doesn't really feature highly.

Show quote history

Yes exactly.The most common entry points at selective privates tend to be Year 1 and Year 3 & they’re also the most common exit points for students who began at Reception. I wouldn’t view a parent disagreeing with a Reception entry point as them disliking private school!