Childhood friend RUDE about my choice to send DC to Private School

[OhTheHokeyKokey]

Silent/observing mumsnetter here..

Childhood friend who I would consider to have been one of my best friends growing up..

Haven't had much interaction over the last 5-6 yrs due to living abroad.

Met up a few weeks ago and discussed our kids education. Said I was sending mine to a single-sex private school..

Reaction was:

• "why would you do that?" and
• "I want my kids to be grounded so I'm more inclined to send them to the local state school".. - I thought this was the most rude comment

"Oh yes I've heard of 'said' school and inquired about it and they offered us a place straight by away which I thought was weird" - undertones of 'school must be desperate to offer places willy nilly'

FYI "said" school is non selective at reception so enquiries would obvs result in places being offered!

As a side note, me AND this friend both went to single-sex private schools.. hence why I thought reaction was odd.. we both had a happy time.

AIBU - don't tell her I found her comments judgy and just let it slide
YANBU - tell her she was a rude, judgy cow and that I didn't appreciate her comments. I would NOT judge her choices

@QuickWash ’why would you do that’ is not a general exchange of ideas, but a very personal challenge to a choice already made. It is the same as saying ‘you have made a shit parental decision.’ Regardless of how comfortable and confident I was with my choice, I would take offence to a friend speaking that way to me.

@QuickWash I think what I found rude was the "grounded" comment. My instinctive reaction was.. "so my kids won't be grounded then.. as they'll have gone to private school"

To add to my original post, I've actually been through both state and single-sex private education so I have experience of both. Even though we were "close" as teens, I don't think she's aware of that

If they ask your advice about raising children then fine but unsolicited unsolicited criticism - in the op’s case, a pointed remark by her friend - doesn’t usually go down very well.

This. Private education is a polarising and emotive topic and you should be braced for strong views on this if you seek them (and I have a kid in private school), but venturing an unsolicited negative opinion about the way someone parents their child is always going to be inflammatory.

Why wouldn’t she just have kept it to herself?

My instinctive reaction was.. "so my kids won't be grounded then.. as they'll have gone to private school"

Well, yes. Lots and lots of people would think exactly the same. One of the reasons many people opt for private schooling is to insulate their DC from the mainstream, to socially select their friendship groups and to give them a more pleasant, privileged environment. This of course confers many advantages to the child but there can be downsides too. A lack of awareness of what life is like for the vast majority of other children for a start. And if your dc goes to a private school from 5-18 then it is highly likely that they will emerge a bit blinky eyed into the real world. Those who choose private for their children but worry about this aspect may try to mitigate this a little - read the threads on here around Christmas time about volunteering as a sort of tourist activity.

I think this conversation led to both of your feeling implied criticism by the other's choices. You're offended and she felt she had to justify her reasoning.

As I said before, you're either good friends who can discuss matters in which you disagree, or acknowledge that there's a difference of opinion and agree to gloss over it. Or you're not v good friends and you can leave each other behind. No one here can make that decision for you.

You absolutely will here similar comments and be judged in similar ways going forwards though. 7Her views were very mildly expressed and very mainstream.

I think going single sex at a private school from the get go is quite unusual and even amongst fee paying friends many would consider that an unnecessary expense. "Why would you do that?" Could be said in many different tones and as old friends I wouldn't assume it to be unpleasant necessarily. The op has stated she was more bothered by the suggestion that her dc were going to be less grounded than this first question, so I didn't take it to have been the rude part of the conversation.

My kids go to a school that’s difficult to get into. I get this from people a lot. I try not to say which school they go to if possible, or just ignore the comments because I know it’s just sour grapes. You know she is just jealous. Ignore it.

A friend of mine is a lawyer married to another professional, so they have plenty of money. They’ve chosen to send their kids to state schools and the amount of judgement they’ve received is ridiculous. In those circles it’s basically implied you either don’t love your kids, or else you must have hidden money troubles. Everyone else spends years bleating on and on about the virtues of St Agnes vs Briarfield Prep and it is so.bloody.boring. I had a close friend say to my face that she couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t want your kids to have ‘a decent’ education, meaning private school of course. Mine go to state schools.

So perhaps the background to this is your friend is tired of conversations where she’s being judged for her choices and is just getting in early to make it clear where she stands.

I wouldn't get upset about it, a similar situation is arising with DS and his best mate. I've kept out of it, sometimes a strong opinion in the moment between close friends and family isn't representative of true feelings.

Completely agree with this (& do also agree with your friends comments. I don't agree with private education at all and her comment is one of the many reasons why).

Her comment was rude and judgy OP. But I have heard so many times 'I'm sending mine to private school cos I want what's best for them' said to parents who are not, implying the other does not care about their child's well being. She sounds defensive. I wonder did you or your DH say something like this, even inadvertently?

This can drive a bit of a wedge in social groups but personally I think its best to avoid those conversations with those that have opposing views and just hope everyone can respect each others choices.

And why can’t you express your views on private schools in a way that helps her to understand your ‘why’. And the benefits of private schools? I have friends who did, others who sent to more religious school and even know people who homeschool. Why can’t you share your views back as strong as her? Or is it validation you wanted from her and if you don’t get it you must cut her off?

I mean you’re getting an array of opinions here, and hopefully not being affected by our judgemental voices.

‘Sorry to burst your bubble but that primary school was not "relatively nice".’

or the whole story was just made up! I hear a lot from private school parents along those lines, and yet the rest of us have never experienced these awful, violent, sexualised children in our own state primaries.
weird isn’t it??

Isn’t the whole point with friends that you can have different opinions, express those opinions and still be friends? It’s not like she has suddenly decided to join the KKK or a child abuse ring!
When you meet up, do you actually have a conversation or is it just a series of sentences that the other person doesn’t reply to?

On the face of it I agree.

But maybe OP was being braggy or going on and on about how great private shcool is. And maybe the friend can't afford it and feels she needs to justify here decision for her kids.

Who knows really.

Either your friend is being dick. Or maybe there is more to it. Or you were being a dick. like PP said, up to you to decide where it takes the friendship.

Maybe she feels she wasn't grounded so wants to do things differently for her kids?

I think she sounds really rude and not really someone to maintain a friendship with.
You can have differences of opinion on things like this and either keep them to yourself or if the other person brings them up, reply in a more respectful way.

Her comment on wanting her child to be more grounded is a bit meaningless.

Surely when you made the decision to send your child to private school you were aware of the disadvantages, actual or perceived, it would have as well as the advantages? And one of the disadvantages is the range of children they interact with will contain an over representation of children of people who can pay for this education. That may well be outweighed by the advantages. Why didn’t you respond ‘yes, we did take that into account, but no school is perfect and we made this decision because y’

Maybe she's a lefty who thinks that private education perpetuates inequality and privilege, and disadvantages children who don't come from well off families.

And I agree with her, having gone to one myself.

Then she probably doesn't like you perpetuating the societal inequality that private school brings about

My two are at a private prep and I’ve received a few comments like this along the way. I just reply that we could afford it, and felt it was the right school for them, and then steer away from the topic.

Another view for balance. Did you start the conversation? Did it sound like showing off? Only you two know that.

I have friends whose kids went on private school and they barely mentioned it. Others mentioned it a lot. If you like this person are you 100% you got the vibe of the conversation right?

As an aside: plenty of people don’t like private schools and can afford and don’t choose them. In our area the state schools are considered better. It’s a surprise when people do choose the private. It’s usually because they weren’t quite in catchment. There sounds like judgement both ways in this conversation.

Maybe not with you, but her comments and her own education suggests to me she’s being snippy because she can’t afford it and she’s jealous.

I went to private school but don't agree with it myself. I wouldn't pretend that I do to appease a friend.

If she enquired about it she obviously thought about it too?

Non story here op lol but I do love these stealth boasting posts about private schools and rather than just say sending my dc to this school it absolutely HAS to mention “private.” Goood lorddd haha, nothing was really said offensively maybe your friend didn’t find private school as great as you did! Move on.