Page 4 | Childhood friend RUDE about my choice to send DC to Private School

OhTheHokeyKokey · 2023-07-10T20:02:21+00:00

Silent/observing mumsnetter here.. Childhood friend who I would consider to have been one of my best friends growing up.. Haven't had much interaction over the last 5-6 yrs due to living abroad. Met up a few weeks ago and discussed our kids education. Said I was sending mine to a single-sex private school.. Reaction was: - "why would you do that?" and - "I want my kids to be grounded so I'm more inclined to send them to the local state school".. - I thought this was the most rude comment "Oh yes I've heard of 'said' school and inquired about it and they offered us a place straight by away which I thought was weird" - undertones of 'school must be desperate to offer places willy nilly' FYI "said" school is non selective at reception so enquiries would obvs result in places being offered! As a side note, me AND this friend both went to single-sex private schools.. hence why I thought reaction was odd.. we both had a happy time. AIBU - don't tell her I found her comments judgy and just let it slide YANBU - tell her she was a rude, judgy cow and that I didn't appreciate her comments. I would NOT judge her choices

Noicant · 11/07/2023 07:46

She was definitely being rude, she tried to make you feel a) your kids will be snobs for going and b) that the schools not that great anyway and they just let anyone walk in.

Maybe she can’t actually afford it and is just sensitive about it. Either way it was uncalled for. She wouldn’t have said point b if she wasn’t having a dig. If she was concerned with something else inequality etc etc she would have said it. Ignore OP.

GritGoes4th · 11/07/2023 07:53

Private schooling is a divisive and bitterly contested issue. Which you should know already. You may lose friends over it, as you may have lost this one.

It's up there with declaring you voted for Brexit or think Boris is being unfairly hounded by the liberal media. Some people will agree with you and move on, and some won't.

Astsjakksmso · 11/07/2023 07:53

YANBU OP.
But you'll get a battering on here. MN hates private schools. I've already ticked off quite a few on my private school bingo card including 'two tier' system, 'mixing with various sections of society' etc.

The truth is plenty of so-called 'principled' people shout about state schools from their expensive houses in leafy suburbs... Kids in state comps, full of other naice middle class kids like themselves.

They're usually not talking about the local sink school.

Astsjakksmso · 11/07/2023 07:55

GritGoes4th · 11/07/2023 07:53

Private schooling is a divisive and bitterly contested issue. Which you should know already. You may lose friends over it, as you may have lost this one.

It's up there with declaring you voted for Brexit or think Boris is being unfairly hounded by the liberal media. Some people will agree with you and move on, and some won't.

As an aside inverse snobbery is quite the trend - champagne socialists love to hate on it Private schools to cover up their own buying of privilege with expensive houses in good catchment areas, tutoring etc.

GritGoes4th · 11/07/2023 07:57

MN hates private schools.

Most people hate private schools. Some people are just a lot more polite about it.

Topee · 11/07/2023 08:00

I’ve got no issue with private schools, but there’s not a chance I’d send my child to a single sex school from reception.

I don’t think she was rude, just honest maybe? I know a couple of people who went to private school that haven’t made the same choice for their own children, money not being the deciding factor.

jeaux90 · 11/07/2023 08:01

OP she isn't only rude she's badly informed.

The sexual assault statistics against girls in mixed secondary schools are shocking. 8 out of 10 victims are girls.

Girls perform academic wise better in single sex schools.

I could go on.

End of the day we make a decision that is best for our child so she was being unreasonable and rude.

QuickWash · 11/07/2023 08:03

Thesenderofthiscard · 11/07/2023 07:08

‘Sorry to burst your bubble but that primary school was not "relatively nice".’

or the whole story was just made up! I hear a lot from private school parents along those lines, and yet the rest of us have never experienced these awful, violent, sexualised children in our own state primaries.
weird isn’t it??

As I said I have worked across many, many primary schools in different areas. And never heard of anything so extreme. If a child had said something like that to an adult in schools I have worked in, a multi agency approach would probably be implemented as it is so indicative of a criminally abusive experience for that child. The idea that things like that were uttered, more than once, and by a variety of children is so extreme as to be difficult to comprehend.

I went to state school, all my DC do as did all DH's family (3 of whom now teach in state comprehensives). None of us have ever been witness to anything even remotely that concerning. I personally find it weird that people tell themselves that whole institutions go about their day to day with unacceptable behaviour and language unchallenged and a ubiquitous norm. The idea that thousands of families send their children in without qualms, and that thousands of adults go to work each day in them without raising the alarm is bizarre.

You can have all sorts of reasons for your choices, but characterising anyone who doesn't choose to or can't pay fees as people who are willing to accept such appallingly poor experiences for their child is neither fair nor unecessary.

TheCyclingGorilla · 11/07/2023 08:07

I don't like private education personally, but that's my gripe and it's not for me to judge anyone who sends their kids to private school. I'd say, oh great, and privately seethe!

Aside from that having single-sex schools in the state sector has caused issues for my DD. Our catchment has one extremely popular well performing non-selective co-ed state school...and if you can't get in there it's a single-sex school or the dustbin academy which was really poor outcomes. So my DD went to a girls school. The problem is the lack of interaction with boys her age. She's lacks experience socially with boys. And of all the boys her friends have dated, she's called, "disappointing,"! If she had spent her teenage years at school with boys she might have learned how to deal with their ways... even the negative ones previously noted in this thread.

She's going to a co-ed sixth form in September and I'm glad, because she can catch up with her socialisation with the opposite sex, ready for university or apprenticeship or the world of work, whatever she'd like to do

Citrines · 11/07/2023 08:07

This will just kick off into the usual nonsense debate again. It's every other day

CaptainMyCaptain · 11/07/2023 08:09

Ifailed · 10/07/2023 21:13

Not so silent boast.

Yes.

YABU. I agree with your friend fwiw.

ZenNudist · 11/07/2023 08:10

I think its a fairly standard reaction. It's a bit defensive but not rude per se.

If you are secure in your choices ignore her.

OprahWinfery · 11/07/2023 08:16

You got triggered by the word ‘grounded’. Ask yourself why

Toniii · 11/07/2023 08:16

I agree with your friend, but I'd never voice that opinion to someone. As much as we're all allowed our own opinions, we don't need to voice them when they weren't asked for. It would be different if you'd have said "what are your thoughts about sending my child to private school?"

Coffeesnob11 · 11/07/2023 08:20

OhTheHokeyKokey · 10/07/2023 21:09

Friend has a great job (as does her DH).. they are both lawyers. Don't think ££ is an issue here..
or maybe is it?!

Show quote history

I would never assume about other people's finances, mortgage, car leasing/hpi, Gym membership and holidays may take up a lot of their money and maybe one child is affordable but not 2? Still no excuse for rudeness.

QuickWash · 11/07/2023 08:21

But I have heard so many times 'I'm sending mine to private school cos I want what's best for them' said to parents who are not

This. The idea that private is always best - even if it means a long journey, even if it means not having local friends, even if it means longer holidays or weekend school, even if it means constant stress about trips/holidays/uniform/parties, even if it does lead to a sheltered or skewed world view, even if it leads to academic pressure for your child etc etc.

Different people make difference choices, different people have different priorities. Different people have different children with different needs.

This thread already has lots of people who tell themselves that anyone who has a negative opinion of private schools is 'just jealous' where they'd do a lot better to acknowledge that the pros vs cons equation came out with a different answer for other people.

GritGoes4th · 11/07/2023 08:28

Astsjakksmso · 11/07/2023 07:55

As an aside inverse snobbery is quite the trend - champagne socialists love to hate on it Private schools to cover up their own buying of privilege with expensive houses in good catchment areas, tutoring etc.

Show quote history

Seriously, it's not just champagne socialists and those with leafy suburban tutors that hate private schools. No doubt they do, too. But people in council housing hate private schools. People using food banks; key workers in overcrowded homes; professionals still stuck in expensive rented accommodation. Everyone not in private schooling. Which is most people.

Original poster

OhTheHokeyKokey · 11/07/2023 08:29

QuickWash · 11/07/2023 08:21

But I have heard so many times 'I'm sending mine to private school cos I want what's best for them' said to parents who are not

This. The idea that private is always best - even if it means a long journey, even if it means not having local friends, even if it means longer holidays or weekend school, even if it means constant stress about trips/holidays/uniform/parties, even if it does lead to a sheltered or skewed world view, even if it leads to academic pressure for your child etc etc.

Different people make difference choices, different people have different priorities. Different people have different children with different needs.

This thread already has lots of people who tell themselves that anyone who has a negative opinion of private schools is 'just jealous' where they'd do a lot better to acknowledge that the pros vs cons equation came out with a different answer for other people.

Yes, I totally agree. Hearing "we're sending our kids to private school because we want the best for them" is downright awful. So.. people that can't afford it are forced not to do the best for their kids?
Hearing someone say that would upset me as well..

We ALL want the best for our kids whether that's deciding to send them to a state or private school. It's a personal choice.. I'm not here to judge anyone.

And for those posters speculating whether I was "boasting" about sending my DC to private school - I was not. She asked me directly what I was planning for DC and where I was sending her.. So I gave her a direct answer. Nothing boastful at all.

Then I was knthe receiving end of her rude, judgy comments.

OP posts:

Oldnamechangeyetagain · 11/07/2023 08:30

RosesAndHellebores · 10/07/2023 21:04

Move on. Wave a cheery goodbye. Your lives are taking different paths.

This.

RosesAndHellebores · 11/07/2023 08:30

@TheCyclingGorilla I am at a loss to understand your post or what has limited your dd as a result of attending a girls' school. How can a young person be viewed as "disappointing" at the dating game at sub 16? Why is dating seen as a be all and end all? Why on earth does there need to be some special form of socialisation with boys pre uni?

I went to an all girls' school from 7 to 16. I had a rather wonderful time as one of 6 girls at a boys school in the late 70s. Probably too good a time judging from.my A'Level grades. I then made a career in what was and is very much a man's world. I never had any difficulties with boys at any age. Similarly dd who went to an all girls' school from 11 has always on the whole got on well with boys, as friends, not as potential dates which is the key issue to developing sustainable and sensible relationships.

DD met and mixed with boys outside school: choir, musical theatre, tennis, neighbours, her brother's chums (another single sex school and no issues for ds either). At 25 she has never had any issues with young men - especially as friends. She has a lovely bf who arrived back on the scene a couple.of years ago - they first met when they were 6 and 8.

Wenfy · 11/07/2023 08:31

QuickWash · 11/07/2023 00:08

My instinctive reaction was.. "so my kids won't be grounded then.. as they'll have gone to private school"

Well, yes. Lots and lots of people would think exactly the same. One of the reasons many people opt for private schooling is to insulate their DC from the mainstream, to socially select their friendship groups and to give them a more pleasant, privileged environment. This of course confers many advantages to the child but there can be downsides too. A lack of awareness of what life is like for the vast majority of other children for a start. And if your dc goes to a private school from 5-18 then it is highly likely that they will emerge a bit blinky eyed into the real world. Those who choose private for their children but worry about this aspect may try to mitigate this a little - read the threads on here around Christmas time about volunteering as a sort of tourist activity.

I think this conversation led to both of your feeling implied criticism by the other's choices. You're offended and she felt she had to justify her reasoning.

As I said before, you're either good friends who can discuss matters in which you disagree, or acknowledge that there's a difference of opinion and agree to gloss over it. Or you're not v good friends and you can leave each other behind. No one here can make that decision for you.

You absolutely will here similar comments and be judged in similar ways going forwards though. 7Her views were very mildly expressed and very mainstream.

I think this depends on the area. Kids who go to State School in wealthy areas are also nowhere near grounded. Eg in many villages near me there are 10 white students per class in state schools that are almost entirely funded by donations - these schools are only state in name. Their location, the people who live near them, their entire ethos is private & these kids don’t really see the ‘real world’ until they go to work and even then it’s debatable. I doubt the child of two high earning lawyers is any more grounded than any other rich person - private school or not.

GritGoes4th · 11/07/2023 08:32

It's a personal choice.. I'm not here to judge anyone.

For most people, it is not personal choice. Because they cannot afford to choose it. The 'personal choice' argument is infuriating and makes you sound deeply out of touch.

Newuser75 · 11/07/2023 08:34

BestServedChilled · 10/07/2023 21:28

@QuickWash i hear you, but in a world of upskirting; where 27% of 11 year olds have watched porn online; where boys play “Top Trumps” with naked photos of the girls in their year; in a world of deep fake and viral videos… I am happy for my daughter to be sheltered.

Several boys in my dd’s year 6 relatively nice primary school repeatedly invited the teacher to suck their c*ck. The lewdness, unpleasantness and generally intimidating environment wasn’t going to improve at the local mixed secondary school which is 70% boys because so many girls escape to the relative safety of the girls school nearby.

So I don’t judge anyone for sending a girl somewhere she can be sheltered from having a “working knowledge” of the opposite sex as it’s not always all it’s cracked up to be.

That's horrific!

Wenfy · 11/07/2023 08:36

TheCyclingGorilla · 11/07/2023 08:07

I don't like private education personally, but that's my gripe and it's not for me to judge anyone who sends their kids to private school. I'd say, oh great, and privately seethe!

Aside from that having single-sex schools in the state sector has caused issues for my DD. Our catchment has one extremely popular well performing non-selective co-ed state school...and if you can't get in there it's a single-sex school or the dustbin academy which was really poor outcomes. So my DD went to a girls school. The problem is the lack of interaction with boys her age. She's lacks experience socially with boys. And of all the boys her friends have dated, she's called, "disappointing,"! If she had spent her teenage years at school with boys she might have learned how to deal with their ways... even the negative ones previously noted in this thread.

She's going to a co-ed sixth form in September and I'm glad, because she can catch up with her socialisation with the opposite sex, ready for university or apprenticeship or the world of work, whatever she'd like to do

This shows she has standards. Most of the State co-ed educated girls I know put up with choking / being slapped / being forced into sexual acts and then being photographed against their will / getting photographed by boys while changing their santitary towels or know a female friend who has done this. And I live in an Outstanding Secondary school area.

TheaBrandt · 11/07/2023 08:36

Honestly it cuts both ways op! Dh and I state educated but ended up socialising / working almost exclusively with the privately educated / public school who assumed we were too - we’ve heard many corkers!

Apparently state schools do “no sport” and are full of knife wielding ferals. It’s outrageous that the privately educated aren’t at the front of the queue for Oxbridge as they used to be and as was quite correct. .