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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how this would be handled in your workplace?

253 replies

WhoWants2Know · 10/07/2023 20:55

Ok, I know it's not the first time I've asked a question like this on Mumsnet. I think my radar for what is normal or acceptable in the workplace is completely skewed at this point in my life. But here is a recent situation:

Employee A started working with the organisation recently. Employee B has been around a while and has a habit of teasing coworkers. For whatever reason, B was curious about A's age. A wasn't forthcoming. B looked for an opportunity, went to A's things and looked at their driver's license. (This was observed by another coworker. B said they were retrieving something at A's request.) Then B revealed to A what they knew and how they had found out, at the same time revealing A's age to a coworker.

A was upset but didn't know how to respond. Coworker responses were very mixed between exasperation and outrage, saying it was a breach of privacy and confidentiality.

Which would it be in your workplace? A prank gone wrong or misconduct?

OP posts:
nebulae · 10/07/2023 22:34

If I was A I'd expect management / HR to take this very seriously. If they didn't deal with it appropriately I'd be reminding them that age is a protected characteristic under the Equality Act.

LuluBlakey1 · 10/07/2023 22:39

Misconduct- Disciplinary.

LadyLapsang · 10/07/2023 22:41

I know of a case, not in my workplace, where a manager walked into an office to find the temp looking in his wallet. She was escorted out straight away. I thought they had handled it very leniently, I would have called security and called the Police.

BlueMongoose · 10/07/2023 22:43

Sounds to me like B is a problem all round, not just in this instance- the type that is a really nasty pice of work but gets away with it by saying the equivalent of the infuriating 'it's just banter' and being nice to other people occasionally to get them onside.

I hope your HR takes it seriously. I have known slyer versions of this sort of thing get away with it ( not where I have worked, thankfully) and it's not banter, it's just common bullying. They ususally do it only to those who can't fight back (workers junior to them, new people, vulnerable people, etc.) so it's not 'just the way they are' as they often want you to think, it's nasty and it's bullying and it should be stopped in its tracks.

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2023 22:45

Someone's bag is an incredibly private thing! And for a man to rummage through a female colleague's bag is appalling!

Can't understand why he isn't already on a final warning

Jumpingthruhoops · 10/07/2023 22:47

That's not a 'prank' at all. B snooped among A's private belongings to obtain information that A had already inferred they didn't want revealed. This behaviour breaks all kinds of work rules!!

I'm assuming B thinks they rule the roost at your place and isn't used to being told no!?

Edders71 · 10/07/2023 22:47

Gross misconduct. A needs to make a formal complaint.

Supersimkin2 · 10/07/2023 22:48

B needs to go - you can bet s/he’s a horrid little nightmare to work with.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/07/2023 22:49

B should be seriously reprimanded. Seriously.

1FootInTheRave · 10/07/2023 22:53

B is an arse hole and this is completely unacceptable.

I would expect severe consequences, he deserves them.

Showdogworkingdog · 10/07/2023 22:55

Misconduct. We’re not even supposed to make a big thing about age birthdays like putting age banners up etc in case someone takes umbrage at everyone learning they’ve turned 60 or whatever.

also misconduct to go through someone’s private stuff like that. Totally unacceptable.

ChocChipHandbag · 10/07/2023 22:58

Really intrigued as to what job role B could have that would make it likely that A would have asked B to go through her bag and bring her something.

B stands for bully, clearly.

Viella11 · 10/07/2023 22:59

WhoWants2Know · 10/07/2023 22:31

I didn't tell other colleagues. When B revealed what he had done (yes, it's a he), it was in the middle of the office with A and most of the team present.

In terms of how I would feel in A's shoes... It's probably not a good comparison because I wouldn't care if someone went through my bag or looked at my details. But A did care.

There have been things that B did in the past that did upset me, and that were stressful to raise, so I do empathise with A.

Show quote history

You wouldn't care if someone you barely knew went rifling through your bag to find your personal information?

B sounds like a total d*ck. Is there a reason why people are afraid to call him out? I'm confused why he continually gets away with this awful behaviour?

LoveHeartsFan · 10/07/2023 23:01

B has proven that they cannot be trusted with other people’s belongings and is a potential thief.

B has also proven that they cannot be trusted with personal information - they’d be happy to breach GDPR or, in a medical context, snoop on patients’ records they have no business to access.

Both of those are very, very serious.

There’s not only ageism but also sexism at play - a male bullying a female, or from the sound of it, multiple females. It sounds like a dysfunctional workplace that’s been allowed to fester too long.

Maddy70 · 10/07/2023 23:02

B should face a disciplinary for going through As things

Timeforchangeithink · 10/07/2023 23:13

Was going to say misconduct but also how did B have access to personnel files only go read she actually went into A's handbag - that's even worse!

Channellingsophistication · 10/07/2023 23:26

definitely misconduct and a disciplinary. Disgraceful behaviour from B

Qbish · 10/07/2023 23:29

B is a bully. Misconduct.

ChocChipHandbag · 10/07/2023 23:30

Timeforchangeithink · 10/07/2023 23:13

Was going to say misconduct but also how did B have access to personnel files only go read she actually went into A's handbag - that's even worse!

He. B is a man.

Splishsploshsplash · 10/07/2023 23:30

It’s misconduct and they would get a first and final warning with a subtle message of “start looking”.

If A isn’t going to complain, then you can go to HR or the Manager instead.

weirdoboelady · 10/07/2023 23:30

Going through someone's handbag feels worse to me than reading a private driving licence. Absolutely inexcusable.

However, this thread has made me challenge my own sexism. I thought B sounded eccentric and rather endearing (the 'having people's backs' thing) until I found out that they were male - then my opinion totally changed. I am rather shocked at myself! But I STILL feel that a man going through a woman's handbag is (even) worse than a woman doing so. Which is probably wrong of me....

My own sexism aside, however, this needs to go to HR.

whattodo22222 · 10/07/2023 23:33

Misconduct / workplace bullying

Seeingadistance · 10/07/2023 23:34

WhoWants2Know · 10/07/2023 21:14

That's pretty unanimous!

Re how it could be considered a prank... B teases everyone, pretty much constantly. If there's a boundary, B will poke it to see how firm it is. But equally, B wouldn't want to actually upset anyone, and would go out of their way to be supportive if someone is struggling.

B being a habitual arsehole doesn't make it a prank!

Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 10/07/2023 23:36

Honestly, yeah I couldn't get fussed about someone going through my bag, because I don't carry anything in it that worries me. But I know most people would.

As to why his behaviour is tolerated... I think it's a combination of things. I think there is a lot of behaviour in the office that probably wouldn't be tolerated elsewhere. And when I've raised things, I've often been left feeling that I overreact or that I'm over sensitive. B has been working there longer than most of us, so that 12 year old mentality has always been there.

OP posts:
WhatsitWiggle · 10/07/2023 23:37

Having just done some diversity training, this is not OK and is suggestive of ageism on Bs part. As an observer, you can raise the complaint to HR, especially as this made you feel uncomfortable. It doesn't matter that the 'prank' was not directed at you.

In my workplace, that would lead to an investigation, disciplinary warning and requirement to retake appropriate online training.