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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how this would be handled in your workplace?

253 replies

WhoWants2Know · 10/07/2023 20:55

Ok, I know it's not the first time I've asked a question like this on Mumsnet. I think my radar for what is normal or acceptable in the workplace is completely skewed at this point in my life. But here is a recent situation:

Employee A started working with the organisation recently. Employee B has been around a while and has a habit of teasing coworkers. For whatever reason, B was curious about A's age. A wasn't forthcoming. B looked for an opportunity, went to A's things and looked at their driver's license. (This was observed by another coworker. B said they were retrieving something at A's request.) Then B revealed to A what they knew and how they had found out, at the same time revealing A's age to a coworker.

A was upset but didn't know how to respond. Coworker responses were very mixed between exasperation and outrage, saying it was a breach of privacy and confidentiality.

Which would it be in your workplace? A prank gone wrong or misconduct?

OP posts:
Lollipop81 · 17/07/2023 13:50

Totally wrong

FOJN · 17/07/2023 14:01

B needs to be sacked and the rest of the office needs to stop tolerating that shit, it's not funny, it's bullying.

There's joking and teasing and then there is being an attention seeking PITA at everyone else's expense.

Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 10/08/2023 12:40

Update:

B has been back in the office for a couple of weeks, having been off poorly. No one knows what the actual outcome by management was and no one is "allowed to talk about it".

B has been quiet and distant, having only necessary communication with the rest of the team, but particularly seems to avoid A and me.

A is upset and wishes she hadn't said anything. Other team members have openly said that A shouldn't have said anything . They have also said that I shouldn't have spoken to management either because it wasn't my place. (Although I was the only person who witnessed B going into her purse).

So despite having done "the right thing" and followed policy, etc. everyone feels terrible. I don't think anyone will be in a rush to report anything else that happens.

OP posts:
Okidoki12 · 10/08/2023 12:48

You did the right thing. In most companies he would have been fired. Your colleagues are just blinded by their feelings towards B, but if someone they didn't know just went into their purse, they would not like it, that's the reality of things. Tell them you would do anything to protect them all, whether old or new colleagues, and that's what you did with A. Having ethics is NOTHING to be ashamed of, you should be proud of yourself.

You can't just go in someone's private belongings. He should know that and hopefully he has now learn his lessons.

Anyotherdude · 10/08/2023 12:56

Employee B has exposed the Company to a risk of being sued by Employee A for a breach of GDPR.
Employee B should be written up, and trained in Company Liability rules… or fired.

Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2023 13:05

It really speaks to the toxic culture that A feels like she’s in the wrong and everyone else feels like nothing should be said.

@Anyotherdude how is it a GDPR breach? GDPR is about protecting personal data held by a company. This is not a GDPR breach.

roses321 · 10/08/2023 13:07

It would come under workplace bullying and give employee A the right to raise a grievance to be quite honest. It's unacceptable and should come with a verbal warning, that's certainly how I would deal with it.

weirdoboelady · 10/08/2023 13:07

I agree 100% with the above comments. Hugs to OP, you did the right thing and this is a fairly toxic culture.

luckylavender · 10/08/2023 13:09

WhoWants2Know · 10/07/2023 21:14

That's pretty unanimous!

Re how it could be considered a prank... B teases everyone, pretty much constantly. If there's a boundary, B will poke it to see how firm it is. But equally, B wouldn't want to actually upset anyone, and would go out of their way to be supportive if someone is struggling.

B needs to learn how to behave.

FrenchBoule · 10/08/2023 13:13

So B went to A’s bag,rooted through it and co-workers think A is in the wrong for objecting to it. Errr,no.

Shame on your co-workers OP for having zero boundaries and normalising unacceptable behaviour also for making A feel bad.

As for B- at least he shut up and can’t upset anybody with his “teasing”.

Kudos to management for dealing with the problem in a proper manner.

HowToSaveAWife · 10/08/2023 13:13

You and A did the right thing and B got a well-deserved arse kicking. To go through someone's private items to discover a protected characteristic? B is lucky they're allowed back at all tbh. The attitude of the co-workers who think both of you should have said nothing is astounding.

Womencanlift · 10/08/2023 13:13

Absolutely toxic and not a place I would be happy to work in. B would have been long gone in any company I worked in and that’s a mix of jobs where it’s easy to recruit and some where it’s difficult

He better hope he never leaves because that behaviour will very likely not be acceptable anywhere else

FineBerol · 10/08/2023 13:16

Misconduct. Going through someone else's belongings.

If B found the age by stalking facebook it wouldn't be so bad but to rummage through someone's stuff is not OK

FictionalCharacter · 10/08/2023 13:23

WhoWants2Know · 10/08/2023 12:40

Update:

B has been back in the office for a couple of weeks, having been off poorly. No one knows what the actual outcome by management was and no one is "allowed to talk about it".

B has been quiet and distant, having only necessary communication with the rest of the team, but particularly seems to avoid A and me.

A is upset and wishes she hadn't said anything. Other team members have openly said that A shouldn't have said anything . They have also said that I shouldn't have spoken to management either because it wasn't my place. (Although I was the only person who witnessed B going into her purse).

So despite having done "the right thing" and followed policy, etc. everyone feels terrible. I don't think anyone will be in a rush to report anything else that happens.

This is how they get away with it. The bully plays the victim and claims they meant no harm. So everyone else feels bad and the bully is free to do it again.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 10/08/2023 13:29

A is upset and wishes she hadn't said anything. Other team members have openly said that A shouldn't have said anything . They have also said that I shouldn't have spoken to management either because it wasn't my place. (Although I was the only person who witnessed B going into her purse).

That is a shocking attitude from the others. They are minimising something that would be considered very serious anywhere I've worked and likely sackable. And I thought nobody was supposed to discuss it? So they shouldn't be mentioning it and doing so might be considered harassment.

A shouldn't be upset. You both did the right thing.

If I was A I'd get a new job and explain exactly why I was leaving since she has no support from colleagues she works with daily, other than you.

bubbleofsoap · 10/08/2023 13:33

This is how they get away with it. The bully plays the victim and claims they meant no harm. So everyone else feels bad and the bully is free to do it again

This ^ they were caught red handed and only have themselves to blame. I agree that the staff defending him may feel very differently if a relative stranger went through their bags and not for life saving medicine but to breach a boundary. He asked their age, they refused to tell him, he too it way too far in their quest to know.

Don't feel bad about what you did. You did the right thing.

Americano75 · 10/08/2023 13:48

He's lucky he's still got a job, the twat!

neverbeenskiing · 10/08/2023 13:53

The people saying it wasn't your place to raise this are wrong and they need to grow up. You work in the office, B's behaviour made you feel uncomfortable and you had every right to challenge it at the time and to flag it up with HR or management after the event.

IME men like B whose behaviour goes unchallenged for a prolonged period just become bolder. Their behaviour becomes more and more inappropriate as they feel entitled to cross the boundaries of others, and others don't feel empowered to say anything because it's normalised to the extent that they've lost all sight of their own right to feel comfortable at work.

This doesn't sound like a healthy work environment at all. Weak leadership clearly allowed B to get away with this shit for too long.

Candleabra · 10/08/2023 14:21

FictionalCharacter · 10/08/2023 13:23

This is how they get away with it. The bully plays the victim and claims they meant no harm. So everyone else feels bad and the bully is free to do it again.

Show quote history

Absolutely. I couldn’t agree more. OP you and A have done nothing wrong.

Tidsleytiddy · 10/08/2023 14:32

It’s the public sector isn’t it? Bet it’s the public sector. Toxic people creating a toxic atmosphere and no bully is ever pulled up.

Tidsleytiddy · 10/08/2023 14:33

neverbeenskiing · 10/08/2023 13:53

The people saying it wasn't your place to raise this are wrong and they need to grow up. You work in the office, B's behaviour made you feel uncomfortable and you had every right to challenge it at the time and to flag it up with HR or management after the event.

IME men like B whose behaviour goes unchallenged for a prolonged period just become bolder. Their behaviour becomes more and more inappropriate as they feel entitled to cross the boundaries of others, and others don't feel empowered to say anything because it's normalised to the extent that they've lost all sight of their own right to feel comfortable at work.

This doesn't sound like a healthy work environment at all. Weak leadership clearly allowed B to get away with this shit for too long.

^ This. Saw it over and over. Glad I walked away

Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 10/08/2023 15:54

Tidsleytiddy · 10/08/2023 14:32

It’s the public sector isn’t it? Bet it’s the public sector. Toxic people creating a toxic atmosphere and no bully is ever pulled up.

No, it's a charity.

I think some of our radar for acceptable behaviour may be skewed by things we see and hear every day.

We're constantly talking people through what may be well the worst time of their lives, and helping them find ways to cope with potentially very socially unacceptable situations. Just when you think you've heard the story ever, someone else comes along with a worse situation before you can collect yourself. It can be highly stressful and heartbreaking.

I think that's why B's usual brand of teasing and humour has been accepted- because it breaks the tension. But in this case it was much too far.

OP posts:
Tidsleytiddy · 10/08/2023 16:58

That sounds a stressful but rewarding job. Yes I’m sure the bullying has been swept under the carpet and now it’s been taken too far by that individual thus creating an office where people feel they need to tread carefully x

Wimbo · 10/08/2023 18:39

If it’s a highly stressful and triggering environment, B ‘teasing’ (even when not doing gross misconduct activities) is not the answer.

Management should have well-being programmes in place. Sorry but they sound shit all round, charity or not.

Agapornis · 11/08/2023 08:44

In my experience charities are very bad at anything that requires proper management or a formal HR response. Most of them seem to see it as their duty to keep shit employees employed, making the good ones leave.

Re "Other team members have openly said that A shouldn't have said anything" - are you or is anyone else speaking up in support, and shutting it down? Don't be a bystander.

I suspect (hope) you and A will leave long before B does.