DD's uni costs

[WarriorWalrus]

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

500 quid a month after her rent is paid is more than enough.

If you give her more, you are not preparing her for real life and that is where you will fail her. If you intend to maintain giving her money for clothes etc for the rest of her life then go for it.

I would say "Nice try, DD" - but part of what she will be learning by being at uni is how to incentivise herself to keep up with her studies. That is something over which she has control and its her life that will be affected if she doesn't do it.

Whatever income she gets (whether it is wages, loans, grants, or gifts) she can perfectly well decide to buy herself a present/ holiday if she does well in end of year exams or gets her essays in on time etc.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/jul/09/gen-z-lazy-girl-jobs-tiktok-work

£500 IS plenty for normal day to day student life, drinks in the student bar and walking everywhere.

It's not enough to cover private sports coaching to a high level.

If you can afford it then why don't you cover the sports costs. On the very clear understanding its only temporary

Nice brag op.
Don't know how you sleep for worry.

If you/GP can afford to pay for the best uni accommodation and coaching they why not but I do think £500pm for food and socialising is ridiculous and not doing her any favours long-term - this is where she decides whether she wants a PT job or she has enough going on with sport/uni and would rather have cheap nights out and not work or have cash to spare in which case she’ll need a job.
ps I went to uni in a NE city 20 years ago & cost of living was considerably less than the SE I lived in - my folks gave me a generous allowance and I paid for all my mates that first year before they realised how little everything cost and reduced to a more normal level!

God you are getting a hard time.

My parents paid me an allowance whilst I was at university which was generous and whilst I could have been better with money then, it made I made mistakes early as opposed to now.

Now I am about as anal as you get and tbh there is no reason to be. I earn well, we have massive savings and back up's beyond back up's. However, I am an adult and because my parents taught me by giving me money and exposing me to things as I passed through life I can now use that experience to make good choices. Exactly the same I am planning with my DC. They already have pensions and ISA's in place because that way I can help them learn. Most people who win lotteries end up burning through it because they can't handle money because they have never had it before.

With all this in mind, get her to write a budget including everything she thinks she will need. Then go through it with her and make an assessment about what she needs. Tell her you can review it together and what the main overall is (ie: to be in a better financial situation year on year). This will all give her grounding she needs.

@WarriorWalrus I think you've had a bit of a rough time on here with people not always understanding how expensive London accommodation is. (Also how costly top level coaching is especially in an expensive sport like fencing or riding.)

From a practical perspective I have a DC doing undergrad at a London conservatoire. Accomodation is £880 pcm upwards and the cheaper end sells out very quickly and some is reserved for various access schemes. Their contact hours are often 5-8pm to accommodate masters students who work so bar work etc is out. We pay accomodation and £500 pcm plus phone bill and gym membership. I also pay for a termly maintenance and tuning visit for their instruments. DC then monetise their music with a combination of private teaching, freelance playing and working as an assistant on summer courses. They also need to do quite a lot of playing for free to get experience and their name out in the market more generally to get their name onto deps lists etc. Again this precludes a regular job but does demonstrate a work ethic.

If I were you I'd offer to pay the sports coaching etc plus £500 pcm and encourage them to look at ways of monetising the sport as that is where their earnings are likely to be higher - eg assistant coach with juniors possibly assistant coaching uni beginners etc. Also if you look on the £10 a day thread you'll see that some of the posters on there do freelance writing work and have posted details of where they get it from. There are also lots of opportunities to work based at the university or Senate House eg an early morning shift returning books to shelves, shifts getting books for disabled students etc. - quite convenient to fit in around your own library studies.

I'm also trying to work out what the sport is now.

If the OP's daughter is nearly 18, that's her probably aged out of tennis or gymnastics, as if she was 'good enough to go pro', she'd be on the circuit by now.

I've got lots of sporty mates - some of whom competed at national / international level - and most made their uni choices based on their sport of choice (I know a lot of people who went to Loughborough!).

My thoughts are:

Equestrianism (unlikely if she's studying in Central London, the commute alone would be a nightmare)
Golf
Athletics (but then surely a really good uni squad would be the ideal?)
Rugby (but unlikely to need 121 coaching)
Hockey (never played, is coaching a thing?)
Swimming
Chess (a wild card)

I also don't think you would be doing her any favours by going with your proposed approach. Handing everything to her really won't benefit her.

I went a university known for having a large proportion of ex private school students with lots of family money.

They tended to do unpaid internships etc and other work experience (all funded by parents). They were at a huge advantage when we graduated - I'd spent a lot of free time working in retail for £5/hour and didn't have the time or money do stuff like that to build my cv.

Obviously, you know your child, and if they're going to turn out to be a lazy nightmare after 3 years of signifcant parental help then probably best not to feed it!

But honestly most of these people went into great jobs, work hard, and have really fun memories of their time at uni.

Thanks everyone, definitely somethings to take away from this post.
Correct me if my summary is wrong

• Maintenance Loan should cover food, socialising and clothes (and in some peoples opinions sport)
• A part-time job should be encouraged (DD apparently wants to work in a bar)
• Giving her anything more than necessary is probably not a good look?

I think we will fund sport separately (Have been for years, would hate to see that time, money and talent wasted because she couldn't fund it, if she gives it up by choice that's different), she has the potential to go pro, and if not may be useful in a journalism career if she pivots towards sports journalism rather than Politics which is her current plan.
We plan to move the phone to her name at 18, as it's sim only and good chance for het to get used to paying a regular bill.

The accommodation was sorted with her grandparents, some were cheaper, but cheap and good location were gone when she went to book, she's hoping to meet people either through accommodation, course or sports she can flat share with next year.

I will probably take her to get new basic clothes when she is back from travelling to ease the pressure on the clothes front at first.

@Notmygreen I don't disagree in many ways, but given the area that the DD wants to work in and the fact that neither parent work in said industry so can't nepo her in to a safe spot like so many depressingly do, I do think they need to have their eyes open that if they keep her standing of living up this high as a student then unless they want her to flounder as a young 20something in a very competitive area of media they will have to keep doing so or else have set her up to fail. It is SUCH a completely different model than teaching, after all. There is no natural job path or security or union or 'entitled to'.

Agree with pp that monetising the sport via becoming a coach or similar is a very good idea and would stand out later on (besides being an enjoyable part time job for years possibly!)

And if you're able to treat your degree like a 9-5 (ish ) job and able to have proper down time including doing fun things and hobbies, you're far more likely to get a high first than someone who's spending their free time grinding away in starbucks etc for a very low pay.

As said above - this is heavily caveated by your DCs personality and whether or not they're going to take financial help for granted! @WarriorWalrus

Guaranteeing her accommodation and paying for her sport club fair play. This will be a good secure foundation and social life kick start. Sorting out bus/train pass would be another reasonable thing to sort out.

she can do the rest with her loan and part time job if she needs more.

a little bit of discretion for uni books and a new laptop/phone if required from the savings you have. Is all reasonable but she needs to learn to budget her £125 a week for food and partying. Which is more than enough for a single person (even in London for home made food she’ll be OK) Yes this means she won’t be eating out at fancy places. It means she won’t be pissing it up a wall either.

I would hold back on giving the savings to her as much as possible as those would be better spent when doing internships, other training or deposits for first flat after uni.

you need to make it absolutely clear that her budget is X amount per week and she needs to stick to it or get a job to supplement. Even one day a week work she’d be comfortable.

@DandelionBurdockAndGin that’s what I feared. We have multiples 😭

Where to start on this?! Honestly, I you're a notch up from most in London. My DC and their friends hang out in one another's flats/ accommodation. Going out will be things like heading to a Wetherspoons. They'll pre-load at home, then eek out a pint - they do go clubbing and to gigs, but not very often as they know it's costly. Similar with gigs. I was like that back in the day - it's just normal student living and nothing new. DC and friends all have part time jobs. Most people in London get home via public transport and yes, that includes the girls. I've lived in London since I was in my early 20's. I've only got a taxi home a handful of times and still use night buses. Students tend to look out for one another, so travel together. My son will always go with female friends to theirs, then get himself back. He's not at all unusual, it's just what they do. We live in a very run down/ urban bit of London, so not leafy and green. Also, where do you shop for food?! You really can live on far less for food than £100-£150 a week. I barely spend that much for a family shop!

It is actually Tennis, she competed a lot as a Junior, her coach was encouraging her to push further. DD lost a little interest at the start of sixth form, wanted to be with her mates more, joined the netball team etc. She still went to team practice and had her coaching but stopped competing. She is only 17, so still time to work her way back into (especially as her preference is doubles) if she wishes, which she is unsure of right now. Would rather play on her Uni team, compete with them. I think I want her to consider pushing more on tennis than what she does, she likes competing for fun and playing with her mates, but didn't like the pressure of competing nationally/internationally. Her doubles partner also left for injury as they joined sixth form, which deterred DD from pushing further.

I think this is all very fair

I think it is quite common for kids on the minimum loan to have rent paid by parents and live on the loan. It is what most of my friends are doing. (Unless they can also afford to pay the fees and avoid the loans all together). I can understand why you would want to subsidise her sport coaching separately if that is something she has put a lot of effort into. I would let her buy her own clothes (or give as bday/Christmas presents.

You sound very supportive of DD but quite focused on what you want her to do vs what she wants to do. You don't want her to work, but you've just found out she wants to. She has eased off on tennis, but you want her to get back into it. Honestly if I were you I'd back off a bit.

Not read all the replies, but I had many friends at Uni whose parents funded it all, they didn't have jobs, and all have gone on to have successful careers! There were a lot of boarding/private school students on my course, they didn't have jobs term time, but over the summer etc they would go abroad or to the South Coast and get seasonal work, or go on weird courses like some fancy chef thing?! My parents paid for my accommodation, and sent £25 a week for food. I paid everything else out of my loan. I would pay her sport costs though.

The other thing that lots of parents do is fill the fridge at the beginning of term. So take her for a big shop.

And a trip to ikea for stuff for her room before she goes.

Nothing at all to stop you treating her and doing stuff for her.

But makes sense for her not to expect a high level of disposable income

https://self-service.kcl.ac.uk/article/KA-01913/en-us

Other thing to look at is how long she’ll actually be there.

Realistically maybe 30 weeks so minimum loan will give her over £200 income (and her grandparents are paying accommodation inc bills) assuming you’ll support her at home as usual.

I’ve seen you’ve updated to say tennis.
i’d definitely encourage her to monetise and it would combine well with travelling eg work at a USA kids camp next summer when she has 3 months off, they pay more for a sports skill. Good for cv too.

@Blossomtoes fascinating article, and after years of seeing bright eyed ambitious girls treated more or less like expendable working-robot cannon-fodder to be churned up by the corporate media machines, I bloody well agree with them. Get a lazy girl job and write a blog/be an influencer on the side, probably get more out of it and don't have to live in a heinously expensive place!