DD's uni costs

[WarriorWalrus]

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

Against the grain of most responses here: more money, not less. Those savings you have for her? Give her the whole lot when she turns 18.

Then that's it.

I was very very lucky that my parents did this for me. I knew I'd have enough for a deposit, if I budgeted. So I lived very frugally on my pot. I didn't do paid work, but also, my "socialising" was much cheaper than seems to be considered normal now, and e.g. I only bought clothes in charity shops. And then indeed I did have money left for a deposit.

So this is a way to be generous to her, without spoiling her, and to give her the opportunity to be adult about money.

I think you have two sep issues

1. The sport
2. Uni living

I would deal separately. It is right that for London living the loan system is woefully inadequate and actually many at Uni in London live at home and commute in.

Mine is going to London and her accom is approx 270 pw and does not include food but all bills and wifi etc.

She doesn't get the full loan amount either. Accom is usually paid 48 or 52 weeks so yes over holidays too.

We have agreed to top up her accom on top of the monies she gets from the loan for living (not fees) this is well over the total she would have got at 100% Loan. 13.5K is total accom cost and we are paying just over half per year. We have then agreed £150 pm and she will get a job on top working 2 or 3 shifts a week ideally. This will be 1st year in proper student accom ie what used to be halls.

Obviously your daughter wont have as much time for working but I dont think that means you should rule it out even if its only one shift per week, personally I think it is part of her development as a young adult.

I would probably set up something separately for the sport, pay the coach, fees and x towards clothing perhaps. But handle it separately.

Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).

!!!

Sorry, my reading comprehension stopped here - can't focus enough to read the rest of the post.

If you spend that much a week you're being ripped off - or have a hefty UberEats habit.

My dd works in London and has about £500 a month for food and entertainment. She spends around £25 a week on food, plus another £10 on coffee and the odd Pret wrap. She seems to have plenty of money for socialising.

Regardless, why are you and your dh debating about what you should or shouldn't fund. Decide what you're happy giving her each month - £200 say, and leave it up to her to budget.

Anyone who disagrees about fairness is 'bitter'...

Is that all you have got?

In recent years I have witnessed private schools send letters out to parents asking them to provide post A-level work experience places to pupils who are flapping about with nothing to do for a month after the exams (about half a term, so 5 grands worth of fees to justify). Naturally, only works if parents are high up.

Secondly, to raise funds for new pool, media centre, etc, school has auctioned off 'week long work experience places' donated by the parents at well-known companies.

Parents were bidding thousands... For a week of work experience... 5 days.

So, extra sports coaching, or money to support herself with while trying to get started in a very competitive and not necessarily lucrative career? That's up to her.

We are covering Dd's accommodation at £197 a week (that is catered) so she will live on her maintenance loan (bigger than the minimum for her) She will hopefully not need to work as she's doing a course with a heavy load so we are lead to believe (not by Dd)
Her grandmother is going to continue to give her pocket money of £100 a month so bit and bobs are covered.

We have paid accommodation costs.The two DC at London universities had to get jobs for their social lives , the one in Leeds managed with loans. It is usually best for DC to feel like one of the crowd rather than have more money than their peers and thus a different experience.

OP my DD never worked at uni and she got a job from a placement she worked on for her Master's degree. She said some students worked up to 36 hours a week. Made me wonder when they fit study in.

This

I'm honestly quite shocked at how many people fail to see both the importance of and time sport can take up. DD has the potential to go pro, she didn't interested in doing this right now, but luckily it isn't a sport you age out of at 22, she has time to change her mind and wants to keep practicing and competing.

Also shocked at the sentiment some people have towards children from privileged backgrounds. DH and I are both teachers (He is a head in a state secondary school, I recently moved to the private sector, where I am head of the Junior School). When our DD was born 17 years ago, I was Depute-Head at a primary school, DH was a Department Head.
Our children have not always been privileged. We worked extremely hard to be where we are. Our kids have been state educated throughout.
DD1 has had a lot of time given to her sport, travelling, coaching etc.
They don't have designer clothes, the newest tech etc.

Having now spoke to DH on his lunch, he has informed me that DD said to him she might like to work in a bar or restaurant a couple of evenings a week, so perhaps DD has intentions to work that I didn't know of (she is currently travelling so can't ask).
Those who have been disparaging about giving jobs to people from privileged backgrounds seem cruel!

Sorry, you lost me at holidays.

Interesting post. Sounds like you have the means and desire to essentially give your DD whatever she wants financially so a bit unclear on the purpose of the post.

FWIW my parents had the means but only funded me to a point in the 90s. Rent in the cheapest uni hall paid for (around £150 a month back then!) and I was given £100 a month. I took out full student loan every year and worked through all my holidays for all the extras including travel. Went back to do a postgrad but dad said nope, he'd given me enough so I funded that myself through working. Great skills for me to start out life as far as budgeting and independence. My kids will be treated exactly the same even if we become millionaires!

We pay 1100 a month to cover rent 500 and what is supposed to be everything else
I still pay things that we were paying like phone and contact lenses
Also essential clothing like winter boots
Do a big shop at start of year

There are entire families living on less than that after rent and bills. If she can’t manage on that there’s something badly wrong with her.

When I went to uni (15 years ago now) my rent was £250 per month in a shared house. My parents paid this so that was £3,000 for the year.

The uni fees I had a loan for. living expenses I had £3,000 for the year in my loan (£250 per month) plus various part time jobs such as cleaning, bar work, nursery nurse, temping etc. Which topped up the £250. It was fine and I had plenty to go out and join activities but I had to work (as did we all).

The figures you’re talking about seem a little mad if I’m honest. £350 a week is crazy money- £18,200 a year which could surely be put to better use - would your daughter not prefer to have this towards a house deposit in a few years ? To put this in perspective, my mortgage is £350 per month for a nice 2 bed flat.

Plus this sport- it’s nice for her to participate but it seems like this is a hobby not a career. It should be prioritised accordingly.

"DD has always said as she is used to having nicer stuff etc. she has more of an incentive to work hard to keep it, if she got comfortable less she would lose the incentive to work as hard."

Kids who expect this turn into the adults who think they are supposed to buy a first home that is on par with the parents house they lived in before Uni, not expecting to have to move up the ladder and live with less, in less desirable towns and work their way up just like their parents did. Sounds ver entitled. and rather Spoilt.

OP you are getting a bit of a hard time here, tho tbh that is not surprising.

You must be aware that very few students have accommodation costs of £14,000 for a 40-week year. DS2's in his first year in halls were £4k (two years ago). I know that's cheap but £14k is almost beyond belief. Was there really no other option?

Anyway, setting that aside, I agree with others, she will have time to work. An arts degree has very little contact time, and a weekday shift in a coffee shop or a couple of evenings in a bar will not leave her exhausted. And that's factoring in the sport too. DS plays his sport to a reasonably high level, trains twice a week and matches every weekend in the season, yet he has a retail job - saturdays in term time and a couple of extra days in the holidays. And he does a science degree which (having had DD go through uni doing an arts subject) I know is more contact time. I top up his reasonable loan to about the max through a regular payment (so he can alway buy food) and then one-off payments for specific things such as big items of kit.

I also agree with all those saying £500 should be enough for food and socialising for a month. £40 per week for food is more than doable that leaves £80 for fun pw - wish I had that much.

Finally journalism - I've been a journalist for a lot of my life and it certainly isn;t an area where you will earn big money. Does she produce writing now? It's easier than it has ever been to get your work published. That's what she needs to be doing, along with refining an area where she can be a genuine specialist. Her sport actually might be good for that - a mate's lad uses his immense knowledge of footy and SM to make decent-ish money.

So to sum up, my advice to you is:

• Her loan should be plenty
• Suggest she finds cheaper accom next year
• Write write write, and get it published
• Work on a specialism if she really wants to be a journalist

If I were you I'd back off from the thread now and give up on trying to justify yourself to people who are sticking the boot in and refusing to listen.

Just do your best for your DD and the rest of the family.

Some posts have been unfair but points from people who hire graduates stating that kids with good degrees, editing the student paper and decent BUCSs results in their support are ten a penny are correct, a glowing reference from an employer they stuck with for 3 years can talk volumes. I’d 100% encourage her to work in a bar for one night a week. She’ll also likely make friends outside of her course and have people who maybe know London a bit better to show her round.

All the coaching in the sport seems a massive, massive extravagance tbh. Is there no way for her to participate and continue to keep it up without spending thousands of pounds a year?

At this age you need to start to make some choices about what you are going to prioritise. An expensive uni degree in an expensive city is possibly fair enough, but the addition of expensive coaching in a sport that she might go pro with but probably won't, seems a bit of a waste of money.

Listen, as someone who worked for a very long time in media and hit the boardroom pretty young much to the apparent shock of the gentle-bred ladies around me, she is going to find that if she wants to work in any form of media, she will hit unbelievably tough, gritty, experienced competitors who are used to having to graft for it and elbow all the Sophies and Emmas with their 'but I don't want to read all weekend, I do have a LIFE you know' out of the way pretty sharpish.

As others have said, waitressing, bartending, cleaning are all extremely valuable life skills that knock the privileged edges off. Honestly, all the unbelievably privileged people I worked with in a media industry people are desperate to get into (and usually fail) just couldn't fathom that they were meant to work THAT hard for THAT little money for SUCH insane hours and would it perhaps help if mummy had a word and explained about how important the lacrosse tournament really was? My boss actually SAID to me 'thank god you're not a Sophie or Emma'. That's literally what the senior management called them which is awful but so is most of life.

You'd better get ready now to save the money for a two bedroom flat (I'm being completely serious here, if you want to proceed the way you've described) as she'll need to live in one bedroom and rent out the other to stay financially afloat, as all the good jobs will have been taken by tough, ruthless little cookies who need to get them to survive and who will be able to demonstrate their ability to multitask, do the shit jobs, make the tea, carry out responsible errands, go without, stay late, start early, go the extra mile, manage difficult people, find solutions, commute, live in a dump etc etc etc because they'll likely have already been doing all those things for years.

You say you're both head teachers, but media is NOTHING like schools, I've seen enough ex headgirls almost faint in shock at the fact that the rules are: there are no rules except ruthlessness and hard work. You will not be there to say 'now little Johnny, give my Amelia a chance now, she really does want it you know despite being tired from having to walk to the office'.

You say people are cruel, you ain't seen nothing yet if she's going to be a journalist! Update us in a few years.

NB the only reason I have the time to type this is because I FINALLY can work freelance after 20 years in the biz, and because even though I am quite tough, the day I found myself in the office thinking 'oh how I WISH I was just a sociopath like XYZ, everything would be so much more do-able' was the day that tolled the end.

PS honestly from everything you've been saying it sounds like you'd be much happier if she got a corporate grad programme in a nice safe industry somewhere.

So she's going to have approx £500/month for stuff?
Pay for sport/electronics/clubs/subscriptions/books etc - But not upgrading to latest iPhone or adding everyone on to their Netflix subscription. Basically the hidden items really.
Top up the difference between minimum and maximum.
Monthly supermarket spend (up to say £100- £150/month max)
No to things like a clothing allowance (that should come out of the £500, as should make up, socialising, takeaways etc.)
A treat per term - so something for her friends and her to do together - so open mike night, posh take away, climbing wall (whatever) up to some maximum spend of say £200/£300?
I'd be uncomfortable with her 'flashing the cash' so to speak. She could end up being taken advantage of. And you'll then end up pay for nights out and take aways for hangres on.

She needs to get a job or volunteer even if it's only 1 day/shift a week.
Having said all that at £350/week for accommodation the others in her block are likely to have the same financial back ground and all have the same support structures behind them so might all give off wiffs of genteel entitlement.

Like i say, not RTFT, just your posts @WarriorWalrus but this struck me on your last one:

We worked extremely hard to be where we are.

People often say that on MN I notice. Out household income is such that DS gets a substantial loan, but I would also say I have worked hard to get where I am. I am sure you and your DH work hard, head teacher is a job I wouldn;t do for a gold pig (I was a classroom teacher for several years). But still, be aware that cleaners work hard, retail staff work hard, people in catering work hard.

Lot of professionals in sport study at the same time too.I'm speechless about how envious are mumsneters. This mum can support financially her daughter during uni so she can focus on study and keep doing her sports, why not? she has all her life to struggle and I'm saying that as a single mum on low salary job and on benefits who is struggling. If I could support my children so much financially during their studies why not?