DD's uni costs

[WarriorWalrus]

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

To be fair, I think the DC had 4 hours of contact time a week but prep for a one hour tutorial could take two days. The essays were also frequent, one or two a week with fast turnarounds. Neither of mine could have worked in term time and it wasn't allowed anyway.

Well I can't compare the 80's/90's but women in mostly male dominated professions are usually on the receiving end of insults - if it wasn't 'posh bird" it would be something else. I have worked both in finance and now in software engineering. Same thing.

Prejudice from the old Etonian types you mention is more subtle. They won't go around calling people oiks but the way they judge people based on how they speak and what they do, how easily they make conversation and include certain people in certain things ... It's all there. And behind closed doors they're somewhat more open.

Of courses we are all strangers on the internet and nobody is 'right'. Everyone's experience is valid. But equally people bring their own biases to things. I am a higher earning woman, I hate that on here higher earning women are berated, every thread asking for advice descends into irrelevant lecturing on 'reading the room'...

Trading used to be the easy way for working class kids to get into investment banking. That isn’t the case any more.

They are dark skinned Indians. I’m sure white society will piss on them enough. I’ve chosen to make their entry into work as easy as possible so they don’t need to struggle through years of racist managers before living the dream.

These days it's impossible to get on the graduate scheme without actual relevant experience. So it's all international students who have gotten work experience in their home countries and are usually clued in enough to have realised they needed it.
Mostly spring weeks - again, mostly the clued up people as applications open and fill up when you've barely started Fresher's week! Again, a pipeline for internships.

I did them all (got 'adopted' by a clued in friend)... Realised it was not for me and got a new graduate role in technology instead...

My children never talk in derogatory tones about those less privileged than them but I hear young people without privilege being extremely derogatory about those who they think have or who they think are a bit posh. It isn't nice and nor is it often acknowledged.

Oh FFS. There's punching up and there's punching down. It's great if your kids don't punch down but please consider the circumstances that might cause others to punch up.

Punching up.or down derives purely from nastiness and there is never an excuse. Ever.

I think it’s great that you can give your DD these opportunities, OP, I wish more parents could. Apart from it providing money to keep them on the course, I totally disagree that working during term time is beneficial to uni students unless it’s in a job related to their course/desired career.

If you don’t want her to be working term time then you do need to be ensuring she has enough money for the things she needs and a bit more for things she wants. I don’t think it should cover everything she could possibly want to do, but there needs to be some slack. But what that lifestyle is like for her is up to you. The tennis doesn’t sound at all necessary, but it’s also a nice thing to help her continue. It is, however, something she might be able to sacrifice a bit of her social life for. And if she isn’t willing to do that - is it really as much of a passion for her to be worth you maintaining it?

Also, if there is a limit to the financial support you can provide, given the sort of work your DD has her eyes set on, she might be better off with support for living in London after her education has finished as she tries to establish herself in her career. (Just to ass another wrinkle).

*add. (Damn typos).

It's possible to have an opinion on wider societal structures but not take it out on individuals. That is what @RosesAndHellebores is referring to.

Would you be rude to someone who was a good person even if you disagree with their parents' professions? And they themselves had not harmed you in any way?

An example is people shouting 10 points for Gryffindor every time Emma Watson tried to answer a question. She had to drop out of group seminars then IIRC... Because people thought she was a rich celeb and fair game to target.

Punching up.or down derives purely from nastiness and there is never an excuse. Ever.

Punching up is very often about maintaining group solidarity or basic survival in adverse or oppressive conditions. It's nothing to do with nastiness.

Punching down, on the other hand ...

Ganging up on people from a different background is mean however and whyever you do it.

I found it happened less in more diverse companies though (speaking of when I was first working as an engineer after my first degree) because it gets quite obvious that you cannot just assume other colleagues will agree with your bigotry - it was the workplaces where there were a bunch of people all from the same background that were the nastiest IF that group were an unpleasant bunch (if they had a nice, friendly, inclusive culture it didn't matter).

The guys tended to be less on the overly unpleasant and more on the always wanting to meet in places I hated (like really smokey sports bars after work) - I do remember I once suggested going out for coffee and the looks I got :)

No.

Assholes are assholes, regardless of socio-economic situation.

Can't believe how many on this thread are stooping to berate OP or even suggest her kid doesn't deserve a shot at good jobs. Says more about the haters than it does about the OP.

Why maintain solidarity with grievance-filled professional victims? Come on. Survival???

I would 100% encourage her to get a part time job to cover the socialising! Part time jobs, before career jobs, are an integral part of growing up. It's where you can make mistakes without it impacting your career, make friends, gain confidence with the public, the list is endless. I worked part from the minute I was through 2 degrees. I was mainly a waitress so worked in weekend evenings when students don't tend to go out either. She is not being given the opportunity to be independent.

Why maintain solidarity with grievance-filled professional victims?

Wow. A spectacularly nasty take.

Dd is off to uni in sept. She gets a little more than the minimum, but not by much. She is also doing a course where she gets the £5000 a year nhs grant.

tbh that seems like it’ll be enough to live on. We will continue to pay for her phone and I’ve agreed to go halves on her next year of car insurance (we paid this year in full) as she fees her car will be useful for placements and working in the holidays, but don’t plan on giving her anything else unless she’s struggling, obviously we won’t see her starve, but it’s good for her to live on a budget.

she worked out how much she could reasonably spent on accommodation and chose an appropriately cheap option. She is also working over the summer to save money to take with her.

it’s natural to want to help your kids out if you have the means to do so. But paying for her accommodation and maybe her phone and sport is probably plenty. Let her use her loan for the rest and only top her up when she really needs it. £500 a month is enough for one person to live on when they don’t have any other expenses.

She will get work experience by working during the holidays. There's no real advantage to working during term time if you don't need to for financial reasons and it can have a negative impact on studies.

Honestly, as someone who worked whilst at uni, I think the experience is invaluable. It was hard work and I wouldn’t let my kids fend for themselves (ie work full time or not eat!) like my parents did, but that should be their living money and teaches them to budget in a safe environment. It also means they will learn to juggle and prioritise like you need to in “the real world”. Don’t wrap her in cotton wool - it’ll only lead to entitlement and long term poor behaviours! Also, you can tell the people who “had it all” in the jobs I’ve had since graduating (senior position in financial services), so I really wouldn’t encourage this

I know this has been said before but seriously - £350/week for the past year? My DS has been in one of the Intercollegiate Halls (which include Kings students), catered, for £250/week. The poshest one, Garden Halls was about £320/week. But again, that's catered.
£350/week self-catered is bonkers. I don't know anyone in London who has paid that much - except for a couple who hadn't signed up for accommodation in time. If you miss the June deadline you definitely end up ripped off.
But that aside. On top of fees and accommodation we topped ours up with £75/week spending money. Bear in mind that he was in catered accommodation though - although he couldn't always make dinner as he had some late lectures etc. Transport in London is expensive (not to uni as he was a 5 min walk away, but for everything else), as is socialising etc. He's not a party-goer or drinker, but it soon adds up. But he says that with budgeting he was fine.

You’re nuts thinking you should pay for all that. Of course she should get a job, how much spare time will all her working friends on the same course have?
If / when she has a proper full time job she won’t have time for sport anyway. She’ll be sponging from you all her life.

I must be some kind of magician as I survived on £50 per week after rent was paid and I had a fantastic time at uni. Was only 10 years ago too.

The maintenance loan covered my rent then my parents gave me the £50 per week which I thought was generous of them and did me well.

I think to have an amazing time £80 per week would do whilst still teaching her a bit of responsibility.

You want her to have a nice time at Uni. Nothing worse than a student who has loads of cash to spend. You want her to have friends right?

@WarriorWalrus I think you should ask for this post to be pulled now. You’ve given so much personal information about your daughter, along with you and your husband’s occupations, sport, location of accommodation, degree etc it’s too much. You’ve got a variety of answers so you can pick and choose what you want to do about funding going forward and just get the thread zapped.

A gross exaggeration and assumption. Generosity does not imply parental control.

Not my experience at all.

Many assumptions throughout this thread generally are so disappointing.

Our oldest only got basic level of support. We dropped her off at uni with a massive food parcel of cupboard staples like pasta, sauces etc. She had her child trust fund savings and then we topped up with £200 a month. She survived and thrived. She did a little bit of tutoring but certainly managed to enjoy student life!! She did also have a placement year during covid that paid her to work from home and part time in the labs during lockdown!!
Child no.3 is going this sept. He will get basic funding, he does get some DSA due to learning needs but also has his gov trust fund money (£4000) and he will get £200 a month and a huge food package to go with him. He is also getting a transfer for his part time job through Matalan. So he can earn basic wage a couple of times a week.

Basically just make sure they can cook a few basic pasta dishes, work an oven etc. Uni isn't meant to be about luxury life it's about life skills and opportunities. When they make friends they will cook together anyway which helps with costs!! Don't mollycoddle your teen or they will never leave home!!