DD's uni costs

[WarriorWalrus]

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

Sorry her accommodation is in Southwark. I might have been misleading suggesting it was closer to uni, she picked based on social spots rather than proximity to either uni or tennis. She is a social butterfly so I think her priority was how little can I be alone!!

I would think really carefully about giving her this much money, my wife went to uni in London and her dad used to pay for her to have her own flat and send her money for living expenses, she ended up leaving with no clue of how to budget and got herself into a very bad situation debt wise that’s taken her years to get out of. It would do her the world of good to learn how to save money and budget and get a part time job.

£350 a week self catered in Southwark . I thought you meant The Strand!

I don't agree with that Elsiebear. Our DC watch their pennies carefully.

DS is at a London uni and plays sport (though perhaps not at the level of your daughter) and the training location is almost an hour away by train, depending on the time he leaves so we decided to buy him an E Bike which seems to make sense most days except for the very depths of winter when he takes the train even though it takes longer.

But its a different budget to get into. Her accommodation (including all bills) is paid for. She already has £500 a month left for food and fun without having to work or be supplemented. And OP wants to give her more to cover food, socialising, clothes, all her club fees and holidays? How much more is that. Another £500 a month?

How many adults these days have £1000 each a month left after accommodation and bills? Especially living in Central London. How much do you think OPs DD will need to earn post degree to maintain that sort of lifestyle? She may well be able to budget what she is given during her degree because thats plenty of money to play with, but she will have a very harsh dose of reality when it comes to an end.

I have two nephews currently at uni who we are paying for.

DN1 is studying medicine at Kings. He has never lived in halls - always preferred a houseshare with other medical students. We pay £900 / mth for accomodation (including bills), his loan covers fees, and we give him an additional £500/mth for expenses - this covers tube pass, gym, food, socialising. He wants to learn how to drive so we’ll cover insurance, congestion charge, lessons and a small car. Do we baby him? Yes. But he’s studying medicine and doing well and we want him to have the most stressfree uni life possible.

DN2 is studying engineering at Manchester. We pay approx 8-9k a year (approx 700-750 a month) on catered accomodation because she hates cooking 🙄. On top of this she gets £300/mth for expenses including socialising similar to her brother. She maintains a car - we bought her car (approx 8k) and pay for her insurance and petrol. She has a regular summer internship that covers anything else she might want - she’s an engineering nepo baby (my husband is fairly well known in his field which is hers too) so it’s a really good job and relevant to her degree. I wouldn’t want her working at a supermarket or call centre because it is entirely irrelevant to her field. I don’t think we baby her too much - yes we picked catered halls but that was for my own benefit as I didn’t want her eating boiled pasta straight out of the pan (which is what she’d do for breakfast, lunch and dinner if she could).

@ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen I disagree. The DC are both on about £34k. They are trustafarians - they have income from other sources. They are sensible and are living to their salaries.

You don't have to have been skint to budget sensibly.

I was skint at uni. And enjoyed it. 🤷‍♀️

I loved the experience of making my own way and being actually independent.
We used to have an end-of-the-month collection tub in the hall for tea bags and instant noodles. Still fondly remembered.

The rich kids effed off to private accommodation and we're not part of the Uni experience. I suppose they were busy shopping and seeing the world.

@Wenfy you’re not doing then any favours by making their existence so privileged- even if you ‘ nepo’ them into jobs they still have to work in those jobs with people who’ll have more work experience, life experience and quite frankly be a bit more down to earth.
I’m not sure what kind of attitude to actual work, other people from Lower socio-economic backgrounds, reaction to hierarchy etc they’re going to have but based on past experiences with grads like these Incan guess…

But then again... Some people are natural big spenders. Some aren't.
I don't spend much naturally. I don't desire expensive 'experiences' or travel. Don't really drink. Maybe if there were lots of restaurants to my taste I'd eat out a lot but I find my own cooking better. Socialising - walks, museums etc are free bar the transport costs, and maybe a small coffee.
I do like the theater and operas, but tickets for those are pretty cheap with last minute deals.

DH however is not short of things to spend on.. he's constantly angling for something! A new tech gadget, new TV, stuff for the cat. Takeaways several days a week. It's like he's compelled to spend.

If the OP's daughter is like me she might not need 'forcing' but if like DH - definitely. When we first got together he couldn't work out where his money was going as we earned the same and I had loads stashed away while he was paycheck to paycheck... Really eye opening for him.

‘I was skint at uni. And enjoyed it. 🤷‍♀️

I loved the experience of making my own way and being actually independent. ‘

same. Everything I did I paid for and every single decision I made was mine and mine alone. Many of the wealthy kids seemed to have an easier existence in some ways but their families and parents were wry involved in where they lived, hobbies they chose, where they travelled, how often they came home or were visited.
And at the end of it - did it matter that my clothes were 2nd hand from a vintage thrift shop and theirs were from Harvey Nichols, or that I got everywhere on a battered old bike while they had a car at their disposal? It certainly didn’t matter when it came the degrees we got.

If your covering socialising, food, shopping sprees and sport what exactly is her loan for?

Your DD needs to learn to budget for herself if she blows all her money on clothes for instance then that means pasta for the rest of the month.
Handing her everything on a plate is not going to teach her any life skills whatsoever.
If her loan is £500 a month then if you want give her £75 a week ontop of that and let her learn to budget (pay for her sports ontop)

If anything I was more motivated , I was happy, had no family pressure and a really good reason to work hard - ie get out of poverty.
One my posh mates did accountancy cos her parents were paying. Hated it. Wanted to study English. Did the degree, was miserable, went to a big 4 form, hated it. Quit at 25 to become an English teacher. 25 years later her parents are STILL furious with her…

My dd loan paid the rent. I gave £200 a month for food. Everything else she paid through job

Many of the wealthy kids seemed to have an easier existence in some ways but their families and parents were wry involved in where they lived, hobbies they chose, where they travelled, how often they came home or were visited.

Yes, where wealthy parents are involved there does seem to be a quid pro quo: they bankroll their kids and in exchange they get to control them. It’s not healthy, and ultimately it probably makes them resentful and unhappy rather than grateful and secure.

I'm puzzled as to how the students have already booked their accommodation ahead of results and confirmed places.

My DN1 was able to apply in advance and state a preference (at Birmingham) but didn't get her accommodation confirmed until after results and her university place was confirmed. DN2 - who has just taken A levels - is in the same position.

£350 a week sounds a lot for Southwark,mind.

ONLY £500 a month to survive on, after rent. I think that will be enough... In the kindest possible way, OP, she needs to learn to manage her money.

I played sport to a high level at Uni (for my country, as well as for the Uni, National Students team, etc. I was good.) I also worked one week night, and usually two weekend nights, in a bar. They were really good at being flexible with me, around my sport; when I was away on camp, etc.
I'd suggest she tries for something like that. Maybe one of the agencies that do catering, for weddings, etc., as you can tell them when you're available.

I work in a Uni, and to be honest, £500 a month, after rent, would make her in the top half of students. I wonder if you could compromise on buying books at the beginning of each Semester? That's often a large one-off cost (some textbooks can be almost £100.) BUT I would advise you wait to see what the library has first!

Surely she knows you're there, should she require a bill paid, etc., if she can't manage one month? I'd have thought that this was a good exercise in managing to budget, for food, phone, books, travel, a few beers, etc.

@Thesenderofthiscard one thing I agree with you about is love. My dc had love, and boundaries, alongside money. It is their school friends who had the money sans the love who fell.

On going to uni, ours took a little direction along with the support. They had their rent paid and we gave them what they would have got as the minimum maintenance grant at the start of each term. We thought that was generous, particularly as their terms were only 8 weeks but they weren't short of money for holiday stuff. For ds it funded festivals and Greece with mates; for dd it kept her riding going and fed her theatre habit.

DS had a gap year between his first degree and his MPhil/PhD to provide some extra spends. He remains irked that I refer to year he spent working as his "gap" year. Although they both had proper gap years: one abroad, one at home and both used those years productively.

DD buys her work stuff from Tu. She has no issues integrating with her colleagues, dealing with some very challenged and challenging young people and none with her old school friends/social circle.

What being privileged has bought both children is choice. DS was free to chose an academic career where his earnings will not exceed £50k for about 7 to 10 years, providing he gets a substantive post at the end of his fixed term post doc and he might not, at which point he will need a rethink. DD is teaching and loving it and I suspect will end up going the OT/speech therapy route. Neither DH nor I had that choice, we had to fully fund ourselves in London and DH was close to packing in his career choice when we met due to funds and lack of help.

Not all well off children (or rahs, as I expect you'd call them) are entitled, spendthrift brats. Ours raised an eyebrow at that set at uni and are both empathic and caring of others.

What I'll admit money did buy was a quiet, social confidence. Not in the social butterfly sense but the stepping into a smart restaurant, the opera and actually the ability to communicate well at all levels, not just their own "set". I find those who weren't privileged often have more difficulty with that than those who were. My children never talk in derogatory tones about those less privileged than them but I hear young people without privilege being extremely derogatory about those who they think have or who they think are a bit posh. It isn't nice and nor is it often acknowledged.

Many Scottish students will already have their Higher results from 5th year, which are enough to get Unconditional offers, whilst they still carry on with their 6th year. Not sure if that's relevant here, but saying that no-one has their places confirmed isn't true.
Of course, if this case is a student coming from and English/Welsh/NI school, where they do A levels, I couldn't comment on that.

My DC in England both had unconditional due to their gap years. They still didn't have a decision about their accommodation until after the A'Level results were in for the rest of the first year cohort. I can't remember if they could apply in advance. Both DC chose mid range accommodation because they a) didn't expect us to pay more than was necessary and b) they didn't want to appear to be rahs.

I agree with this. We’re not privileged but have friends who are very well off. Their kids-now grown-are great. Went to the best London/Manchester independent schools and are really good friends with my children. They had privilege, sure, but they also had parents who were interested in them, had good boundaries and morals. Easier with money but doable without. Interestingly, my son, state educated and had to watch the money says now he realises how privileged he is after meeting kids at university who were carers and had chaotic childhoods with don’t care parents. There’s always someone worse off than you.
The kids who are doing best (not solely based on finance) were also trusted with their decisions and budgets. Not snowplough parenting. I know of one boy who is drifting and a bit lost. Has had everything sorted out for him-if anything went a bit awry in his life, he was never able to deal with it and work it through-mummy fixed it. Not a good idea.

While I agree that there's plenty of inverted snobbery you've got pretty strong confirmation bias. 'Your' children may not be derogatory towards others but many, many people of their backgrounds are. I can't claim that's it's the 'majority' as I have not done a statistically valid study. But certainly, a large proportion, in my own experience.

I find people in general very tribal. Not many are comfortable at mixing outside their own social milieu. Even those that can seemingly do it at work, would never choose to hang out with them by choice because they find them good company.

I'm quite good at finding common ground, I'm also happy with a variety of activities but I often find that I'm the 'odd' one out In a group of otherwise similar people.

Interesting @Astsjakksmso. When I worked in the City, 80s/90s, I was regularly referred to as "oi spoon or posh bird" by the traders. Fortunately I laughed and became one of the team. On the ops desks and secretarial teams, the posher girls were often ostracised and bullied by the girls from Essex and soon left. Never once did I ever hear an Old Etonian type from Corporate Finance or the Broking Floors refer to oiks or commoners or bully people for being ordinary working class. The inverted snobbery was awful, particularly amongst female support staff. Very ugly. MIL who was originally working class does it all the time. It is most unpleasant and has never worn off.

I did a history degree. The first 2 years all my lectures were on one day the rest of the week I had off.
For context I had 7 lectures a week and the lectures were 1 hour long.

I think you are being silly and your daughter will soon realise that all her uni friends have jobs/don't get handouts and she will be the odd one out!

If she is working now why can't she get a job with similar hours at uni?