Page 18 | DD's uni costs

WarriorWalrus · 2023-07-10T10:26:55+00:00

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself. Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week). So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc. I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such. We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget. AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

3WildOnes · 11/07/2023 07:21

£350 pw seems extortionate for acco.odatiin. I just had a look and you can get a room for 250 in private halls in super swanky halls in Central London.

If you are wealthy then I would get her not to take out any loans so that she can graduate debt free. I would pay for her her sports coaching and then give her £100pw for food/clothes/socialising etc.

MasterBeth · 11/07/2023 07:22

Sceptre86 · 11/07/2023 06:51

I think you are getting a very hard time of it on here and that is unfair. You have 2 children by the sounds of it and have parents that can afford to be very generous in terms of paying for expensive uni accommodation. You haven't forced them, they are happy to pay so I don't see the issue.

As for what else you should he paying for, I think you should pay for whatever you want. She's your child, you have worked hard to get to where you are and it hasn't been overnight. If you can afford it, why not?

My parents were low income, I went to uni in my home city, stayed at home so no accommodation costs and worked throughout at the weekends. My parents still took me to buy new clothes before uni started up and my dad bought loads of stationary to support revision. Two of my siblings moved out to stay in halls got the max loans but parents still supported with homemade meals and sending food parcels. They basically did what they could.

I see no difference in you doing what you can to ensure your dd has the best experience at uni.

The best experience is not necessarily had by the person with the most money.

yipeeyiyay · 11/07/2023 07:25

How much will the sport cost? Is it weirdly expensive? £500 a month is just over £100 a week. That's a lot of socialising and food for a single person. Honestly, maybe another £50 a week from you if you really think they need something. That would more than cover groceries and bath/laundry stuff for a week for one person. Then it's over £100 for fun stuff. Really that is more than enough even in London.

Sceptre86 · 11/07/2023 07:29

@MasterBeth I didn't imply that it was. I meant that she was doing her best for her child as my parents did their best for me. If that's all you took away from my post then you didn't read and comprehend it very well.

Motheranddaughter · 11/07/2023 07:33

We pay £1100 a month to cover rent and everything else
In Scotland so no tuition fees so no loan
Don’t want them working term time as want them focusing on studying
Pay some things I have always paid like phone and contact lenses and always send her back with a couple of bags of shopping when she returns to Uni town
I was skint at Uni and don’t want that for mine

Justleaveitblankthen · 11/07/2023 07:34

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:39

not catered, just regular halls, this is London though and very central location.

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I think I know the one.
The rooms are no bigger than a cupboard too.

Newmumatlast · 11/07/2023 07:45

Gerrataere · 10/07/2023 11:46

How do you think those from families who can’t/won’t pay towards uni manage? Believe me you’re doing her little favours on many levels here, she’ll be seen as a spoiled princess by the end of freshers for one. Budget for the essentials, food shopping at the cheapest places, clothes do not need to be fancy, work out the cost of text books (because that one will probably be a shocker), any extras should come out of the very set budget or she finds a job. Just remember, when you’re going to uni you go as your own person, not a representation of your parents wealth.

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Yes this is true. And you're not helping her out with learning to budget by essentially ensuring she has enough to not have to make tough decisions. A friend of mine at uni was like this and all that happened is she ended up spanking her loan payment as soon as she got it by wasting it buying loads of drinks for people and shopping then asking her parents for more as she was struggling. It created an expectation that she would just be covered for what she needed.

In fact I knew a number of people who didn't work during uni to focus on studies and work experience etc like you mention but guess what? None of them got a higher degree class than me or did as many clubs as me and I worked. They went out a lot and then panic collected stuff for the cv later with no life experience. Theyre fine now of course but not sure it was that helpful to them.

Newmumatlast · 11/07/2023 07:59

Diamond7272 · 10/07/2023 22:37

"what incentive is there to give your children good childhoods if they will only be penalised for it later?"

Answer: you are giving them an unfair, unearned (by them) 'leg up' on poorer, harder working young people who haven't had parents pay for them to play in 'international' junior tennis tournaments with all the flights/hotel bills they entail. To 95% of children this is pure pie in the sky stuff.

They should be penalised in that employers see the privilege, the advantage and aren't blinded by the BS from posh parents...

Ps: her tennis coach will tell you whatever you want to hear. You pay his bills. Tennis coaching isn't part of the government benefits package as far as I am aware. You are his wage packet. He's hoping for a few more years from you I'm sure as I doubt that many people can afford tennis lessons for their children these days...

Urgh, bring in labour.

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Oh come on, they shouldn't be penalised. But they should be viewed in their rightful context. So if they have As, it acknowledged that those As were achieved in a comfortable context. And if a low income child has Bs, that those Bs were achieved in a difficult context. That's not being penalised that's just fairly taking into account the circumstances to judge the value of the grades/ability. It may be they're as able as eachother. Of course there will be privileged kids who are more capable than low income kids and vice versa and its trying as an employer to work out who has the best potential.

Stopyourhavering64 · 11/07/2023 10:20

OP, are you on Facebook?
there's a very informative,(mostly )non judgmental, group for university students and their parents called WIWIKAU ( what I wish id known about university)
Loads of experienced parents on their who can give you advice about , accommodation, courses, careers etc

Batalax · 11/07/2023 10:39

Stopyourhavering64 · 11/07/2023 10:20

OP, are you on Facebook?
there's a very informative,(mostly )non judgmental, group for university students and their parents called WIWIKAU ( what I wish id known about university)
Loads of experienced parents on their who can give you advice about , accommodation, courses, careers etc

I agree it’s a great group.

LittleBlueBrioTrain · 11/07/2023 10:45

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:44

We looked into it, she will not have the time. The career she wants will involve building industry specific experience which is going to be unpaid for the most part. She is also very keen on her sport, team practice once a week, competing once a week, conditioning and fitness once a week and private coaching, will take up alot of time, I don't want her to give up her sport, she has potential to do well in it. Then actual uni, revision, work experience and socialising, when would she do a job!!

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I went to uni with vets and medics. Full time lectures (40 hours teaching per week), plus home study, plus placements, plus socialising, most still managed to fit in part time work

MasterBeth · 11/07/2023 10:54

Sceptre86 · 11/07/2023 07:29

@MasterBeth I didn't imply that it was. I meant that she was doing her best for her child as my parents did their best for me. If that's all you took away from my post then you didn't read and comprehend it very well.

It's not all I took away. You haven't read and comprehended very well. I am questioning whether offering such a high level of financial support is, indeed, doing the best for her child.

RosesAndHellebores · 11/07/2023 11:22

If the sport is tennis I'm really not sure how accommodation near the Strand, attached to King's will be the ticket. I think you said your dd was studying History and Politics. Those departments at Warwick, Exeter, Leeds, etc., are just as good and there will be excellent sporting facilities on campus. To get the best tennis experience in London your dd will probably have to travel out to Riverside, Chiswick or Queens at Baron's Court. Where are you proposing she will train in Central London? It's a genuine question. Presumably she's plugged into County Juniors and her coaches will have recommended where she shoukd play.

Original poster

WarriorWalrus · 11/07/2023 11:44

RosesAndHellebores · 11/07/2023 11:22

If the sport is tennis I'm really not sure how accommodation near the Strand, attached to King's will be the ticket. I think you said your dd was studying History and Politics. Those departments at Warwick, Exeter, Leeds, etc., are just as good and there will be excellent sporting facilities on campus. To get the best tennis experience in London your dd will probably have to travel out to Riverside, Chiswick or Queens at Baron's Court. Where are you proposing she will train in Central London? It's a genuine question. Presumably she's plugged into County Juniors and her coaches will have recommended where she shoukd play.

DD is keen to play for the uni team so most of the training will be with them, I’m not sure where they train.
The coach our current coach recommends is at the National Tennis Centre? Not sure where this is exactly but DD said it will take her about an hour to get there.
She picked her accommodation based on how close it is to the social spots at her uni etc.

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RosesAndHellebores · 11/07/2023 11:57

The National Tennis Centre is at Roehampton. An awful journey from the Strand. Tube to Waterloo, train to Barnes (possibly changing at Clapham Junction), bus from Barnes. About 75 minutes on a good day.

In the kindest possible way, this isn't practical. I would gently suggest your dd takes a year off and reapplies next year when you and she have done a little more research. She'd be better of living in Wimbledon, for less, and commuting into the Strand with easy access to Roehampton. Doing that she could possibly also play in at a club such as the Wimbledon Club which is pretty good. She will end up either dropping her studies or dropping her tennis.

Original poster

WarriorWalrus · 11/07/2023 12:12

I’ve just searched from her accommodation, she can walk to Waterloo in 15 minutes (probably faster she is tall and speed walks without knowing it), then 15 min walk from Barnes, comes in around the hour. This would only be once maybe twice a week, most of her training will be with her uni teammates etc.

DD won’t defer she’s keen to start and is ok with a little time on trains here and there, currently takes her over an hour to get to training some nights she uses the time to read or study,.

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Original poster

WarriorWalrus · 11/07/2023 12:14

@RosesAndHellebores sorry my last reply was for you

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Thesenderofthiscard · 11/07/2023 12:21

'"what incentive is there to give your children good childhoods if they will only be penalised for it later?"'

My very young, working class parents gave me a fantastic childhood. It was full of love, their time, and family. They valued my education above all else, made sure i went to the library every week to borrow books.
I did zero extra curriculars that cost any money, we had no car, no phone, no new clothes unless it was a special occasion, every thing was 2nd hand. We never went on holiday.

'good childhoods' don't mean giving your child money, or expensive gifts, gadgets, clothe or hobbies. Or paying for so much they get no work experience.

And it's pretty insulting to suggest that only well off people can provide a good childhood.

But yes, the tide is turning and blind CVs, job applications, etc are becoming more and more common. Std in my global company. I don't need someone who can sail or ski or go orienteering, I need smart, hardworking candidates with life experience, preferably gained by working with people in the real world.

Invisibleeye · 11/07/2023 12:23

Honestly OP… this is ridiculous. I haven’t read it all because I gave up the third or fourth time you implied poor people don’t work hard. 100%
support your child but let her budget and work it out for herself.

Catspyjamas17 · 11/07/2023 12:28

Thesenderofthiscard · 11/07/2023 12:21

'"what incentive is there to give your children good childhoods if they will only be penalised for it later?"'

My very young, working class parents gave me a fantastic childhood. It was full of love, their time, and family. They valued my education above all else, made sure i went to the library every week to borrow books.
I did zero extra curriculars that cost any money, we had no car, no phone, no new clothes unless it was a special occasion, every thing was 2nd hand. We never went on holiday.

'good childhoods' don't mean giving your child money, or expensive gifts, gadgets, clothe or hobbies. Or paying for so much they get no work experience.

And it's pretty insulting to suggest that only well off people can provide a good childhood.

But yes, the tide is turning and blind CVs, job applications, etc are becoming more and more common. Std in my global company. I don't need someone who can sail or ski or go orienteering, I need smart, hardworking candidates with life experience, preferably gained by working with people in the real world.

👏This.

RosesAndHellebores · 11/07/2023 12:33

@WarriorWalrus but that's providing all the trains come on time which is unlikely. Also, the walk from Barnes to the National Tennis Centre is not good, especially in the dark/winter. You really need to trial this before committing.

I mean no offence and we have bankrolled our dc without them becoming spoilt so I have no beef with you about allowances and chosing to pay a high rent. However, one of my DC works over the road from Kings and my DH worked in that area for decades. We know the NTC and Putney/Barnes/Wimbledon like the back of our hands and the journey to and from the area. I would urge you to take some advice. Spend a few days up here, do the journey from Strand to Barnes, do the walk at night. Be aware of the demographics of the area she will be walking through. My DC were London children, they grew up pretty streetwise despite their privileges, they gadded about freely from their younger teenage years. They would not have walked that walk then, and would not walk it now. Neither would I.

RosesAndHellebores · 11/07/2023 12:35

15 minutes from Strand to Waterloo on clear streets. Not weaving between jostling crowds.

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 11/07/2023 12:35

Can i

can I be your daughter????

she (and you) are in an incredibly fortunate position. She’s very lucky.

Original poster

WarriorWalrus · 11/07/2023 12:40

RosesAndHellebores · 11/07/2023 12:33

@WarriorWalrus but that's providing all the trains come on time which is unlikely. Also, the walk from Barnes to the National Tennis Centre is not good, especially in the dark/winter. You really need to trial this before committing.

I mean no offence and we have bankrolled our dc without them becoming spoilt so I have no beef with you about allowances and chosing to pay a high rent. However, one of my DC works over the road from Kings and my DH worked in that area for decades. We know the NTC and Putney/Barnes/Wimbledon like the back of our hands and the journey to and from the area. I would urge you to take some advice. Spend a few days up here, do the journey from Strand to Barnes, do the walk at night. Be aware of the demographics of the area she will be walking through. My DC were London children, they grew up pretty streetwise despite their privileges, they gadded about freely from their younger teenage years. They would not have walked that walk then, and would not walk it now. Neither would I.

Thank you for your advice I do really appreciate it, will definitely be a convo to have with DD when she is back. However I might just leave her to this one, It might mean she has to try and schedule her coaching to be in the day/mornings, learning different routes etc. She chose her accommodation fully aware of where it was in relevance to everything that matters to her, she prioritised socialising over both uni and tennis (she is a 30 min walk from uni too, her accommodation is in Southwark), this was her choice and she will need to live with the consequences.
Next year she will hopefully pick wiser but I'm ok with her having to stress about travel and such, we live in the Lake District, she is relatively sheltered from the rural upbringing but I know she is streetwise enough to make these decisions.
I am grateful for your advice and I will pass it on to her, but she also made the choice herself and can live with it.

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Lovesgreen · 11/07/2023 12:40

We will be paying our sons accommodation and food. He will get a part-time job to pay for any extras. He has a part-time job now and is saving to get some spending money behind him before he goes in 2024. They need to learn the value of money and budgeting. Also important for them to develop a work ethic. I worked right through Uni, didn't do me any harm!