DD's uni costs

[WarriorWalrus]

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

Sounds like you are over compensating a bit here. It's good to be independent and try hard. You sound justifiably proud of what you have achieved and what you can give your children. Would you feel the same if you hadn't struggled, if your parents had paid for everything and you had no financial independence? Are you providing excessive cash for your daughter because it benefits her or because it makes you feel good? There are a lot of dissatisfied millennials about for this reason.

Personally I'd support the sport but not top up her loan as she's already getting a very generous amount from grandparents.

I really don't understand this, forgive me.
Are you saying we should have only given our children as much as lower earners can give there children?
Why have I worked to get to where I am (not saying others don't work as hard or harder for less money, but I have worked to get to where I am) If not so my children can have a better life than I had? Is that not the goal?
I waited until I was older, earning more etc. to have children and only had two spread 4 years apart to ensure I could give them a nice home, no financial stress and give them opportunities such as sports coaching, tutoring and music lessons. Is this not good parenting? Should I have raised them without these things because other children don't have access to them?

I'm a big tennis fan and I can't think of a professional player at all recently who makes a reasonable but didn't go pro until after 23 (presumably later since she is just starting another degree) - the closest I can think of are the ones who played in the American university system like Amber Liu or Danielle Collins which is of a much higher standard than the UK equivalent. I don't think it's realistic to think she still has a decent shot (no pun intended) at a pro career. At this point, it's a hobby.

Meanwhile in the real world the prejudice is against young adults from deprived adults. Journalists are mostly privately educated. Meanwhile most of those doing menial jobs and in jail are from poorer backgrounds.
It's expecting a bit much to want the majority who can't give their children a fraction of the cash that you can, to sympathise with your dilemma

Gosh, £350 a week for accomodation? I'm both outraged it's that expensive, and morbidly curious where that is. I know London is expensive but even in zone 1, that's a huge amount. I thought university accomodation was meant to be cheaper than the open market too. How many can afford that?!

I really don't understand this, forgive me.
Are you saying we should have only given our children as much as lower earners can give there children?

Not at all, @WarriorWalrus. What I'm saying is that if you compare what your children have got with those who have got more, you won't recognise how well off your children are. And neither will they.

They are vastly better off than most.

If memory serves when DC were at uni, the website gives a recommended amount of money students need. They do this particularly for overseas students so that they have an idea. This might help you cost it all

I mean the uni website

Someone posted a link with the options at her uni, only one is at £350 mark, so you can have a nosey.
I don't know London so no idea if its an expensive area etc.

Totally agree with you OP. The assumptions that your DD is spoilt are ridiculous. I know affluent families who have been extremely generous to their children at uni and I can’t think of one who is spoilt. Quite the opposite - lovely hardworking kids who are grateful and appreciate the financial support. And it hasn’t affected the way they view money once they start work on the bottom rung.

Goodness knows why students have to be in financial hardship not to be spoilt.

@WarriorWalrus I was with a friend of dd's yesterday. They are paying £1100 for a flatshare near the Oval - very nice flat and bill included. Three Kings' campuses are near the Oval. The other is off the Strand which would be a tad more expensive. £1400 is eyewateringly expensive for self catered Halls - even just off the Strand.. Your dd doesn't need to be in the most Central Hall. DS works over the road from Kings on the Strand. It takes him 20 minutes to get to work from Stockwell. He and dil have been paying £1750pcm for a nice 1 bedder. It's going up to £2k from August.

It's an expensive area but what your dd will be paying is toppy.

If accommodation is being covered I also don't see why you need to give more if that leaves her with £500 a month. She can buy herself decent food for about £250 a month, that means she has £250 a month fun money left. That's much more than most adults! Pay for her phone and sports memberships if you like, but if she thinks £250 a month isn't enough for clothes, nights out and holidays then she needs to get herself a job. Even a seasonal job in holidays she'd be able to earn enough to supplement.

Blimey. People certainly do live different lives. Ds only got minimum grant, and transfered his home weekend screwfix job to Uni. We pay a small amount monthly. He has to manage.

"what incentive is there to give your children good childhoods if they will only be penalised for it later?"

Answer: you are giving them an unfair, unearned (by them) 'leg up' on poorer, harder working young people who haven't had parents pay for them to play in 'international' junior tennis tournaments with all the flights/hotel bills they entail. To 95% of children this is pure pie in the sky stuff.

They should be penalised in that employers see the privilege, the advantage and aren't blinded by the BS from posh parents...

Ps: her tennis coach will tell you whatever you want to hear. You pay his bills. Tennis coaching isn't part of the government benefits package as far as I am aware. You are his wage packet. He's hoping for a few more years from you I'm sure as I doubt that many people can afford tennis lessons for their children these days...

Urgh, bring in labour.

20% vat on private school fees will hopefully get rid of these silly posts regarding essential tennis in lieu of student jobs...

And should raise a few pounds to put towards making sure poor children go to school with breakfast in their tummy.

The extremes of have and have nots in this country now are obscene. 20% tax on top of a £300,000 education is a good start. The rich have clearly still got far too much in their pockets...

My children have been state educated all along (We don't even have grammars in our area), I'm a head teacher who spent most of my career in state schools, DH has spent all of his career in state schools and is now a headteacher. We are very very much aware of the state of this country, vote labour ourselves etc.
I'm not sure why there is such issue with DD being passionate about and potentially being able to make a career out of a sport, so us accordingly investing in this.

I thought she wanted to be a journalist?

Or a tennis pro?

And you and grandma were paying for it all? Plus a bit more, hols etc.

And that's not an unfair leg up, unfair in the context of why should she get it over someone else? Oh yes, she's yourrrr daughter and you work hard....

There's the unfairness. Poor people work just as hard. Their daughters don't get the same opportunities.

We also need to put you and your husband in a 50% income tax bracket.

You clearly have too much cash sloshing about. Also tax gifts more over £3000 p.a. so passing down wealth to buy an advantage is less easy and can help poorer people.

Then your daughter has more chance of requiring a job to pay her way - necessity - and the playing field will be fairer for all.

Oh lay off @Diamond7272. Wtf do think you’re achieving with your bullying?

Nasty posts@Diamond7272 First had a pop at the OP regarding private schools when in fact her daughter attended State schools. When this was pointed out to you you had to try attack from a different slant.
I’d be pretty certain that if you yourself could afford to, you’d be generous in your financial support to your Uni going children.

How much advantage is the OP’s daughter going to have really over other students if she the doesn’t need to have a part-time job during term, thousands of other students don’t, being able to continue with a hobby doesn’t mean much either - you could argue it will leave her with less study time.

More luxurious accommodation isn’t much of an advantage either - it’s how you bond with other students in the accommodation that counts. Her daughter could well be much happier and find her tribe in more budget accommodation.

We pay for all dd uni ( above her student loans) and give her £50 a week .

There is more money if she needs it but she doesn't socialise it eat much so is very cheap .

I want her to do well and we can afford it .

I often buy her stuff and send it to her and take her shopping for clothes when she is home .

I don't think there is any right or wrong but we only have one dd who will attend uni

OK look OP I know you've taken a beating about unearned privilege blah2. Let's ignore all that.

How is your daughter going to learn to budget if she doesn't have to? You're paying for everything. The sports coaching - fine.
But why would a university student need 'expensive clothes for events'?
She's not being launched into high society. She's a university student. London has a wealth of charity shops etc.

Your DH is right. Give her a set amount and let her sort it out herself.

Btw a degree like hers has very low contact hours. There's plenty of time for sport, socialising and jobs. London has loads of casual jobs where you can pick up shifts to suit you. There was an app called ROTA (don't know if it still exists, but there are several). You just pick a shift that suits you, no commitment whatsoever. She could do one a week, or one a month, or just whenever she fancies.

I think you are getting a very hard time of it on here and that is unfair. You have 2 children by the sounds of it and have parents that can afford to be very generous in terms of paying for expensive uni accommodation. You haven't forced them, they are happy to pay so I don't see the issue.

As for what else you should he paying for, I think you should pay for whatever you want. She's your child, you have worked hard to get to where you are and it hasn't been overnight. If you can afford it, why not?

My parents were low income, I went to uni in my home city, stayed at home so no accommodation costs and worked throughout at the weekends. My parents still took me to buy new clothes before uni started up and my dad bought loads of stationary to support revision. Two of my siblings moved out to stay in halls got the max loans but parents still supported with homemade meals and sending food parcels. They basically did what they could.

I see no difference in you doing what you can to ensure your dd has the best experience at uni.

Haha, oh it absolutely does affect how you view money if you know there is no safety net for you from a supportive family. This isn't a reason not to support your kids if you can (OBVIOUSLY!) but it makes a very real difference which is why people do it.

Whereabouts? My DS was at King’s Cross and paid similar - think it was £250 a week in an older block

let her work and get a job if she can -
what’s her subject? First year esp is a lot of money wasting and socialising

sounds like she’ll have loads of spending money to enjoy Uni life - just remind her to study too! Big party and social scene in London Uni