DD's uni costs

[WarriorWalrus]

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

This

My dd gets £150 a month and manages! Her loan covers her accommodation just

I live in EU and there are no loans to be had - though tuition is only about 900 euros. This year I will pay that, plus dd's flatshare rent of 500 euros a month, plus phone. She has my lunch voucher card (which I get via work) which is about 160 euros a month and as she didn't find a job last year I send her 125 euros a month on top. She worked last summer (and is working this) to built up some cash. She pays for her own holidays and clothes and would be horrified that a night out might cost £50! Their student nights seem to be very cheap and cheerful. She gets extra cash for Xmas and Birthday and normally trainers/jeans/pants/socks etc. She has most bills included but this had to pay her own electric, so she was responsible for that.

Perhaps you could start with giving her your entire income each month and then she could decide what small portion you're allowed to keep.

It is perfectly possible to become a pro in doubles without going to Roehampton! Plenty of recent uni tennis alumni on the doubles circuit. Lots of jobs in tennis too, without being a pro player - it's a great sport to invest in (especially for girls) and a great community.

Honestly, this is embarrassing to read.

I completely agree with PP that someone who has actually had to get through life, as well as a degree, is more deserving of a job than someone who has been given everything on a plate.

I have a degree in Journalism and English, I did so whilst working 4 evenings a week.

Your Daughter is very privileged but you're enabling her lifestyle - of course she can work (and I'm not talking a few weeks in a cafe!)

I feel like this is very 'Made in Chelsea' and not in the real world.

I think people believe I'm overhyping DDs talent in tennis, because she isn't already pursuing it professionally.

Very much done with this post though, got the answers I needed and learnt this a lot of prejudice against young adults from comfortable families.

Gosh I lived with my grandparents and packed myself off to uni and got a bar job! This is like a different world!

Gosh I lived with my grandparents and packed myself off to uni and got a bar job! This is like a different world!

Agreed. It feels like uni is being treated as a finishing school.

got the answers I needed and learnt this a lot of prejudice against young adults from comfortable families.

Try telling that to someone living in an overcrowded flat in a deprived area ...

If only that were the case. A privileged background is practically compulsory in some industries! Not necessarily to get your foot in the door (graduate recruitment has become far more meritocratic in recent years thankfully) but once in an organisation those who “fit in” are often favoured when it comes to promotion and the best opportunities. People like to work with like-minded people who they have a lot in common with. If you can bond over where you go skiing and your gap year experiences, I’m afraid that’s still a huge advantage.

I needed and learnt this a lot of prejudice against young adults from comfortable families.

I completely understand wanting to give your kids the best in life and money does help with that, but this comment is totally out of line. Poor little rich kids facing ‘prejudice’, because some snarked about tennis lessons 🙄. Get a grip as the old Mumsnet saying goes. Your daughter won’t know prejudice if it hit her with a racket…

There is definitely prejudice here on the type of person DD is (spoiled brat has been said, entitled) considering know has met DD is basing it off of what they know of her background that is prejudice!

You’re being ridiculous and using that word completely out of context. Your daughter hasn’t been denied anything for who she is or where she has come from. She never will, you are seeing to that. People having opinions based on the information you have given us is not ‘prejudice’.

Before I put this to rest.

What do people want me to do to ensure DD is entitled?
Make less money? Go back and take any privilege she had off her?
She doesn't get everything handed to her, agreed that we won't giver her than maintenance loan (and sports coaching, but that is separate, potential to be a career). What else should I do?

Your DD told you she wouldn’t work as hard if she didn’t have nice things! That’s a pretty spoiled thing to say.

This is the definition of prejudice
"preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience"

I know this is not what the thread is really about @WarriorWalrus but I would like to reiterate what @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune said about a career in journalism. That's all very true and relevant.

You say your dd plans this career and pursuing this aim will eat up her time. Just wondering again, what has she done so far? The world of journalism is so so competitive hence the poor pay - bc they can) so if she is really committed I woukd expdct her to have done lots so far. If not, maybe she would be better to consider a different tack - the civil service as suggested upthrrad is a good idea tbh.

To clarify these nice things aren't designer clothes, it is expensive sports coaching, travel, second hand tech etc. I know many children who have much more than my children do.

You’ve posted on mums net, you’re getting a hard time, ignore it! Each to their own, she’ll be fine.

So I posted earlier in the thread what my parents did which I think worked.

But in short, I think giving her a budget so she has to prioritise and budget would be a good start.

Also encouraging her to get a job to pay for more luxury things like holidays.

I don't know whether you meant it to come across this way but it sort of sounded like you basically planned to just pay for anything your DD asked you for, which I don't think is an optimal way to raise someone to become independent.

Gosh I wish I’d put a pound down that’s what you’d reply because I simply knew you’d revert to a direct definition. Whilst I disagree with ‘brat’, ‘spoiled’ is fully within a reasonable assumption and opinion based on the information you yourself have given. You have listed how your daughter will be provided for to a tee, in many an unnecessary fashion and completely untypical for the average uni student. She will be in accommodation, fully paid for and well above cheapest option, she will have an allowance to make her comfortable, she will have her hobby fully covered - that is spoiled. It doesn’t necessarily mean she will become lazy or uninspired to work harder due to being spoiled, but the fact remains that this is the position you are happy to present to her. An easy breeze through what is to most a huge opportunity in learning true adult lessons in practicalities. I hope she appreciates it in the long term but you cannot demand others not hold a negative opinion of ‘playing on easy mode’. As many have said, it comes with its downsides - that is not prejudice.

I think my opinion when I made the post and what it is now has changed.
At first I was fully we will cover anything, let her breeze through.

Now it is loan to cover all day to day expenses, sports covered, holidays etc. DD finds a way to make money (be that coaching, parttime job, summer jobs, up to her). Accommodation is nothing to do with me and would need to b covered by us to some extent no matter what as minimum loan expects parental contribution.
Not sure what more I can do?

It’s irrelevant what it is, whether it’s designer clothes or holidays and private coaching, the fact is the same - your DD didn’t say she would work hard for them, she said if she didn’t have nice things then she wouldn’t work hard anymore! That’s pretty much the definition of spoiled and entitled.

Ifs not about how much money you have, children can be loaded and spoiled or come from more modest backgrounds and still be spoiled and entitled.

I know many children who have much more than my children do.

I'm sure you do, OP, but in order to gain some perspective you should be measuring what they have against the children who have less.