DD's uni costs

[WarriorWalrus]

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

Costs for a night out in London are going to vary a lot, and really it depends on what your friendship group can afford. If you hang out with a bunch of poor students, people will find fun things to do that are cheaper than going clubbing. (Also have things really changed so much from when I was a student, we used to find clubs that let girls in for free ;) )

I think there are very harsh replies on this thread. You are not going to ruin your DD by covering all her costs while at Uni. We pay everything for our Uni student, we give them £150 a week, in addition to accommodation costs and top up when there are occasional extra costs. They do not work term time, have had summer jobs for years. They appreciate our support and know the value of money. We can afford it, so why not.

Amongst her friends, some get similar weekly amounts from their parents, some less, some work part-time during term time, most don’t.

Could she not pick up some paid sports coaching during holidays?

A job.

Also shocked at the sentiment some people have towards children from privileged backgrounds.

Do you keep up to date with social issues? Nepotism is huge at the minute, society has no time anymore for people who come from privileged backgrounds. We have woken up to just how unfair the system is. Wealth breeds wealth and nobody else stands a chance. Journalists or social commentators* *are exposed constantly for their backgrounds of wealth. How can she comment on the world when she knows so little of it and what other people in it experience? This view society has on 'nepo babies' is only going to get stronger. However, you have said you plan on ensuring your daughter will never have to 'struggle' so she will forever stay in her 'bubble' and never have to deal with the real world. I dont blame you, I would protect mine from reality if I could, but I cant so there we go lol.

If she has any interest in coaching then I’d look at supporting her through coaching qualification as it pays well.
A colleague has paid for her student daughter who swims competitively to do her swim teaching qualification as that pays even more than lifeguarding she’s been doing.

You can just give her a credit card and then track how she spends her money 🤷‍♀️

She will need to toughen up with some work experience beyond a seaside cafe. I would have thought a journalist of any specialism needs a wider knowledge of life and not be too cossetted or removed from harsh realities.

Also, if she's not a pro at tennis by 18 is it ever going to happen? She plays to a high standard but maybe it's time to concentrate on her studies, getting some writing published and doing shifts in different areas to round out her CV.

Hello OP 🤗

The feeling I get from reading your posts is that you adore your daughter and only want the best for her- there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with this! As you say, you've worked hard for her so she can have the best life. This is something I truly agree with because I would give the shirt off my back for my son and never want him to struggle as I have.

However!

My friends and I, mainly teachers, SALT or EPs now, all worked during uni. Every one of us.

-McDonalds (very popular due to free food, pick your own shifts)
-Uni bar
-Nightclub
-Asda
-Waitrose
-Nanny

Was it a juggle? YES. I never felt I had enough hours in the day. But did I love it? YES. Did it teach me responsibility and make me feel independent? YES. So I say pay the sports, but let her develop her adult customer service skills and learn to budget the rest. Spoil her at christmas and birthdays!

Also on the topic of ruining your child...

My mum paid for my accommodation and I didn't need a job at university.

I got a job as soon as I left university so I could stay in the city (a bar job) and never moved back home. I will be mortgage free by 38 and very financially savvy.

It's not a simple case of parents paying for uni = kids not knowing the value of money.

I think you've had some harsh replies to be honest.

I would keep sport out of the equation and perhaps pay for that, seeing as you are able to and happy to.

I'd then give it a bash with you paying for her accommodation and her using her loan for living expenses and see how that goes. So food, clothes, going out etc.

See how it goes and you can always review. We do this with DD and she's managed absolutely fine with some money left over.

However, I worked hard to get to where I am, make the money I do, as did DH. If our children can't directly benefit from that, I'm not sure it was worth it. I don't want DD to struggle, I wouldn't see her struggle after uni so not sure why I should while she is there.

There you have it. You worked hard to get where you are. Your daughter doesn’t have lift a finger, and will have no work ethics. I would not hire a person with no work experience, not a chance.

Oh and it was the sports I took up at uni which lead to my husband and my business so arguably more important than my degree.

Don't discount the importance of sport or extra curriculars.

Nonsense! The OP has said her DD has had part-time jobs but won’t during term-time, just like thousands of other students. My Uni student tells me that their friends that do look for part-time work during term time find it difficult/almost impossible to find something as a lot of employers do not want to have to fit around a Uni student’s course time-table, etc.

If you were interviewing the OP’s daughter, you would find she went to a State school, has worked part-time, has shown commitment to a sport, etc. How are you to know how much of an allowance she received from her parents?

That's a ridiculous way to look at things. People with less don't have less because they've lost the incentive to work as hard. What about nurses/teachers??? Generally, people with less just haven't had the leg up that more privileged people have had.

I'm not saying this from a place of jealousy. My partner and I run our own business and working incredibly hard to be able to send our children to private school. But that doesn't mean I give them everything they want, and I certainly won't be funding their social lives if they go to university 😂

As an employer, I avoid interviewing graduates with no work experience. I've been running my business for over a decade, and every single graduate we've had with little or no work experience has been a massive pain in the arse. They have no work ethic, and no idea how the real world works. I would always rather employ someone with a lower-class degree but with some work experience. Better yet, I'd take someone with 3 years experience starting at the bottom in my industry, over someone straight out of uni.

But she will ALWAYS struggle if you pre-empt her problems for her, and make decisions for her.

It's not a struggle to work out bills, plans etc. It's just learning and a bit of trial and error.

Honestly, when I was eight, I wanted to get pet fish. My parents made me look up their care, work out what they needed, work out if I could fit it in around my other pets, and work out the budget (plus things like risks of getting tropical vs cold water due to power cuts).

I was given more responsibility, autonomy and experience in decision making at eight years old about buying a goldfish than you are giving your young adult daughter about doing something 99% of students do just fine.

It's not a struggle. It's a necessary thing for her to learn.

It's honestly stupid to avoid giving her the lesson.

Gosh there are a lot of very triggered people commenting here! If the OP and her DH have worked hard to save, why would they not want to support their child? There's a big difference between spoiling and providing what they've saved for.

First thing I would do is look in advance for cheaper accommodation for her second year onwards. I'm guessing at £350/week she is in one of those serviced student apartments I see popping up all over London. Find cheaper options to follow on from that.

As for costs and contributions, if it were my choice, I think the loan and parental (and grandparental in this case) contributions should cover all necessities - fees, bills, accommodation, food, phone, laptop, anything needed for studying.
Presumably she has a wardrobe full of clothes already, no one needs continual new clothes. I'd give a very small amount extra to cover essential clothes replacement and a bit of socialising.
I would expect her to get a part time job to cover extra socialising, holidays and other "fun" costs (yes, she will have plenty of time despite the sport).
Since you can afford it, I would offer to fund her continuing to pursue her sport, but only on the condition that she achieves the appropriate level of study and earns from a part-time job.

I think you need to supplement your kids with just enough so they're not going without the basics, but not so much that they have money to fritter. Before going to uni, both my DC worked out, with my help, what the basics would cost and I made sure they could - just - cover it. I only gave them money in termtime; in the holidays they both worked and saved.

As others have said - £350 a week is crazy. My DS was at London University four years ago and his very central accommodation was £650 per month. The rooms were like rabbit hutches but he didn't mind. I can only assume you're allowing your DD to stay in one of those rather luxurious private student blocks instead of a university-run one. If that's the case, and especially if it's not college specific, she won't get the opportunity to mix with a wide range of students from her college.

Without the sport being in the equation we took the view that if we covered accommodation costs (similar to yours as also central London) then the loan was sufficient for DC to learn to budget. They had the option of building up funds by working before they went and all holidays to add to that sum.

We did all the set up costs of things that needed to be bought that we couldn’t make do with from home. When visiting we’d take them out and do a top up shop. But everything else was part of the Uni experience - practising being an adult with the same responsibilities but with a safety net.

I can see how the sport aspect is different and, given the circumstances as you describe them, I’d be inclined to fund that to enable her the opportunity.

To the PP who said, 'we can afford it, so why not?' about paying for everything, my DC really loved learning to budget. I told them that if they got into difficulty I would help out financially but they never needed me to. They took pride in finding bargains, developing budget cooking skills, and learning when to say no to a night out. I genuinely think you are not doing your kids any favours if you deprive them of this great learning opportunity. It is empowering and it builds their confidence in a way that constant access to the bank of mum and dad never could.

It's really simple you just make up the difference to the maximum loan as a matter of course, any more is a bonus.

Well this certainly wasn’t the case with my family friend. He just had to go into political/economic journalism. Maybe if you’re in a more niche sport like equestrianism then it’s easier to pivot but he found that loads of young men wanted to be football writers and I’m sure he tried those routes in.

Contacts are key. My friend only got her Woman job as she knew someone who worked there. I think she left school with GCSEs no further qualifications but just got a foot in the door there. I’ve no idea how the other journo worked for Mirror Group and I always thought she was a snobby cow at school but agreed with working for the right publications, companies etc can but not always lead to journalism jobs. A lot is down to hard work, good connections and luck.

Most of my contemporaries and current neighbours work for big names like C4, Sky, Decca records etc but as far as I know have worked there for years and years…

I stand by what I say re accommodation though. Look for an affordable flat to buy, preferably SW London (Cameron Norrie has one in East Putney) so at least if her tennis career does take off and once she’s lived in halls for a year, she will be near the tennis training grounds and can still commute to London for uni. There are loads of new builds going up in eg Wandsworth Town right now, that would be an investment.

You could also buy the property as guarantor mortgages with deposit from either yourselves and/or grandparents. That’s what SIL’s DPs did, guarantor mortgage and deposit was inheritance from grandparent.

I work at a London Uni and have just looked at our accommodation costs for halls. £350 is the absolute premium accommodation you can buy and will get you a large studio apartment but these are the exception and definitely not the norm.

I think now would be the time to have a serious chat about the tennis career and how much she really wants to continue playing and training at the level she does. Interests change when people go to uni, they find new friends and hobbies and priorities change. You've admitted yourself you're probably pushing this more than she is so maybe she'd be happier just playing for the uni team or a local club and drop the 1-1 coaching.