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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My sex life is falling apart

116 replies

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 21:53

NC for obvious reasons.

My sex life is turning into somewhat a disaster. Been with DH nearly 10 years, so a long time.

We have had some issues sexually - to the point where he wants sex much more than me and therefore we try and have date night to make sure it happens.

The other issue is what happens when we have sex, so much so I've been listening to books etc to get help and found one really beneficial that explained how women need to take things slow to get into it.

Last few times we had sex we agreed to tell each other what we like and dislike so each time he tries rushing to it I tell him to slow down.

Today I did the same thing because within two minutes he was touching genitalia and it's WAY too soon for me. Is it weird I need much much more before any private parts yet touched?

He just stormed out and said he can't do this and I'm taking the piss with my instructions.

I don't know what to do. Please don't say split up - that's not the advice im looking for and don't think marriage should just be like that at the first sign of trouble.

I just don't know what to do

OP posts:

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/07/2023 21:59

Sounds like he wanted a quickie. Everyone's different, maybe try marriage counselling or yes spilt up.

Original poster

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:06

He won't do counselling - I don't to split up I'm looking for suggesting perhaps from others been through something similar and resolved it

OP posts:

Screamingabdabz · 09/07/2023 22:10

He’s not interested in your sexual pleasure. He just wants to rut away and please himself. That’s why he got annoyed when you pushed back. He’s just a selfish horny bloke. You sound so nice and sensitive. You are worth so much more than some impatient sex pest.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/07/2023 22:10

You need him to go slow. Why won’t he?

Beachhutnut · 09/07/2023 22:11

Can you build it into your day rather than rely on date nights so it takes the pressure off eg going to bed at the same time knowing that you will cuddle as a minimum or waking up half an hour early so you have time for each other? Not good if he's not taking direction though. Was that a one off?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/07/2023 22:11

How longs this been an issue, how were things before, what’s changed? I wouldn’t be wild about being instructions but it was a proactive approach to improving things that you seem to think he’d agreed to. Has it been working up till now? Nothing wrong with a quickie, but it depends whether that’s the norm and what happens the rest of the time.

Lots of questions there, just trying to get the bigger picture.

Original poster

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:14

Can I ask before I address each post individually - does anyone else need to wait until genetalia is touched for a good while or that just me and am I weird?

He touches vague and nipples after about two minutes - I just can't warm up that quick but he makes out I'm odd

OP posts:

Sapphire387 · 09/07/2023 22:15

By 'quickie' - I think that means he wants an orgasm but doesn't care if you get one. Grim.

Sapphire387 · 09/07/2023 22:16

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:14

Can I ask before I address each post individually - does anyone else need to wait until genetalia is touched for a good while or that just me and am I weird?

He touches vague and nipples after about two minutes - I just can't warm up that quick but he makes out I'm odd

You're not weird. It all sounds very mechanical, surely it should be about love and connection too.

Original poster

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:17

He does say he wants me to orgasm and does say he likes foreplay but I just don't know what got him annoyed tonight.

He didn't want a quickie I just think he's fed up with me needing to take it so slow

OP posts:

Original poster

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:18

@AnneLovesGilbert been an issue for years, really since we started TTC five years ago and progressively got worse and still no family either.

OP posts:

TippledPink · 09/07/2023 22:18

You are not odd for feeding to warm up, that is totally normal! I am the same especially if I am not in the mood.

1980to1989 · 09/07/2023 22:18

You're not odd OP, and do not let him gaslight you into thinking you are.

He sounds like a really selfish lover and he's treating your sexual needs as an inconvenience - why are you putting up with this? Is he like this in other areas of your relationship too?

Original poster

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:18

@Sapphire387 it's not mechanical I just can't get turned on when it's all so quick. I take a while - I can't help it. It has to be like this as it wasn't working before.

OP posts:

shadowchancesassy · 09/07/2023 22:20

I think I get what you mean. You want some passion before the the foreplay?

Original poster

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:21

@TippledPink do you mind me asking what you mean by warm up? Do you also need to wait probably five minutes just cuddling first? Sometimes maybe a bit longer even.

I like certain parts of my body touched first - he knows this but today just fucking skipped that part.

It's like he doesn't listen, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and it's just stressing me out,

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 09/07/2023 22:21

Honestly, touching genitalia is how sex starts for us. But DH is affectionate, respectful and decent 24/7

Original poster

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:22

@shadowchancesassy just hugs, massage maybe, I don't know but I just can't go from randomly sitting there to someone putting their hands on my vagina two minutes later. He did a little hugging but only about two minutes and I need longer. Otherwise I don't enjoy it and it makes me miserable

I feel I am being unreasonable and I just don't know what to do

OP posts:

Mangogogogo · 09/07/2023 22:23

I am sorry op but if my partner set aside a specific ‘sex night’ and then told me off if I touched his body or genitals I would feel really confused and quite frankly quite upset.
in all though it just doesn’t sound like you really fancy him anymore? Or is the ttc taking its toll?

StupidCupidKeepsOnCallinMe · 09/07/2023 22:23

Have you tried steering his hands back up and continuing to kiss rather than instructing him to slow down? He obviously doesn't get that you need more foreplay and is getting frustrated with the instruction. I think the conversation needs to happen outside of sex rather than during. No you definitely aren't weird, I need kissing and cuddling to get me going before I'm touched down there but everyone is different.

If he is after a quickie sometimes and you aren't all that up for it, you could try giving him oral or a hand job rather than having full sex. Marriage is about give and take and it sounds like you want to keep yours. I know I'll be shot for this opinion!

Original poster

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:23

@mrsm43s there's little affection physically unless I initiate and then any more than a few seconds he's onto sex

OP posts:

Paddylou · 09/07/2023 22:24

Think mine fell apart to after after about ten years, I think we may only have sex once a month or sometimes not attall. We had issues but was more me I've totally lost my drive I'm only 37 and after 3 kids it takes a lot to get me Randy, we massage each other stroke each others bsck bum etc he does sound selfish ur husband...

BadAdvice · 09/07/2023 22:26

I know I may get shot down for suggesting this but I have a couple ideas that may help, based on own experience…

Work yourself up on your own in advance if you know sex is on the cards - whatever gets you going. It’s not spontaneous but after 10 years together - who gets spontaneous anyway…

Second, make sure you sort yourself out on your own regularly - the pressure to orgasm is off then, you satisfy his urge for a quickie, build the bond back, then take your time on the next one. It also helps to practice on your own, if you don’t use it, you loose it, and if you are not satisfied, you are irrational.

BunnyBettChetwynd · 09/07/2023 22:27

This is never going to be solved in the heat of the moment. Could you, not in bed and not on date night, when you're both relaxed, have a good honest conversation about this? Talk about what you both want and how you can make that work together. Sounds like he needs to read the books you've read.

Summer2424 · 09/07/2023 22:27

Hi @sextherapy would spontaneous sex be better then date night sex?

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