My sex life is falling apart

[sextherapy]

NC for obvious reasons.

My sex life is turning into somewhat a disaster. Been with DH nearly 10 years, so a long time.

We have had some issues sexually - to the point where he wants sex much more than me and therefore we try and have date night to make sure it happens.

The other issue is what happens when we have sex, so much so I've been listening to books etc to get help and found one really beneficial that explained how women need to take things slow to get into it.

Last few times we had sex we agreed to tell each other what we like and dislike so each time he tries rushing to it I tell him to slow down.

Today I did the same thing because within two minutes he was touching genitalia and it's WAY too soon for me. Is it weird I need much much more before any private parts yet touched?

He just stormed out and said he can't do this and I'm taking the piss with my instructions.

I don't know what to do. Please don't say split up - that's not the advice im looking for and don't think marriage should just be like that at the first sign of trouble.

I just don't know what to do

@FinallyHere possibly true but OP states doesn't want to LTB and 10year relationship so worth trying a few things, no?

Fair enough.

It might take OP a good few goes before coming round to understand what the real issue is here.

OP.....your body is rightly rejecting your , quite frankly repulsive fella.
Your problem is that you are unwisely thinking that after so much time togTether, you cannot leave. There is a name for this phenomenon "Sunken Cost Fallacy".
Look it up.
For the love of God, go back on contraceptives and do NOT make a shit sandwich into a shit bake by bringing children into the world with this man so that they can inevitably share your misery with him.
After ten years and after the initial Honeymoon Period of a relationship, to not receive physical affection from your partner unprompted and which doesn't lead to sex says a lot.....all of it negative and a lot about your lack of self esteem and not recognising your feelings intellectually, even though your body does.
However, do nt ot remain in this relationship trying to work out any provenance of "where it went wrong". You can take your own sweet time when you leave ( by stealth). Your problem is that the relationship has probably been wrong from the off as your partner is an emotional wrong'un who is happy to be so.
I feel that I came up in the last generation of women where men being expected to be lovers or somewhat wasn't a foolish expectation. Bad sex was often the sign when all other signs were ignored , that a relationship is on its last legs....good sexual connection often being the weak thread that maintains many a toxic intimate straight relationship.

If you will stay with this manframe , don't give him children. That will be unforgivable by any measure to burden them with a weak, fragile ego, having,
humourless , emotionally stingy man as a father.

Yanbu to want some affection and tenderness. Nothing worse than a man blatantly going through the motions quickly just to get to the "good" part. I need to be wanted all over, not just wanted between my legs. It really puts me off and makes me tense up and take longer to be aroused.

There are times when skipping foreplay and going straight for the good stuff is ok. But this is when he's showing you affection outside the bedroom too.

A good lover shouldn't need telling these things. If after 10 years he doesn't know what your body needs and when you do tell him, he acts like this? Well, it doesn't bode well for the future if I'm being honest.

It’s not about taking something personally.

You admit your marriage is awful and then start getting shirty when people point out that you can’t fix a Shitty man. You want people to tell you have to change your husbands whole personality. That’s not going to happen because he will only change if he really wants to.

People don’t often divorce lightly. Or just because they feel they have options. They divorce because they are very unhappy. And no one is telling you to ltb because you have options. They are telling you to ltb, because he is a bastard.

Again, sticking it out in a marriage with a terrible spouse, isn’t the superior choice.

@PowerBMI

very true, very well expressed.

Even if OP can't immediately see it, I hope others read and take on board what you have do eloquently expressed.

Me and DH start off with passionately kissing and then usually within about 30 seconds we’ve got our hands on each other.

You aren’t weird at all, everyone has different ways to get aroused and your husband should respect yours.

Have you always felt the need to warm up and have a slow progression to being touched?

I’ve slept with a reasonable amount of women (lesbian) and I’ve never experienced us going straight to genitals in less than two minutes unless there was some mental foreplay beforehand, there’s usually some passionate kissing, kissing of the neck, then boobs, touching, grinding etc, just general foreplay that might last anything from about 5-10 mins (I don’t have a timer so this is a rough estimate).

Not saying every woman is the same, but I think what OP wants is certainly typical in my experience of what most women want if there’s no build up to sex before hand to get her turned on. Quickies are fine if you get turned on very quickly or you’re already turned on, but a lot of women take longer and his attitude sucks tbh. Seems like it’s all about him and he’s just going through the motions (some quick half arsed version of foreplay) so he can get what he wants (P in V) rather than taking pleasure in pleasing you.

I will never really understand why anyone who is attracted to women wouldn’t enjoy pleasuring a woman, for me that’s the best part about sex. I guess his fragile ego can’t take any form of criticism or suggestion for improvement so he blames OP for not liking his (crap sounding) technique.

Can I suggest a subscription to the omgyes website? It's great for couples and singles alike. It's totally changed our sex life and how I feel about, understand and enjoy my body physically. It's science based, factual and supportive.

It doesn't really matter if you're unusual or not. You like what you like. A good lover will want to give you what you like.

Elsiebear90
Sadly, a lot of heterosexual men don't actually like women, even if they desire them. I think this is the most glaring proof that you can't choose your sexuality, because if you could there'd be a hell of a lot more lesbians out there! 😆

What a sweeping generalisation! Of course heterosexual men like women

You’re not attracted to him. End this now. You need to figure out what you want, need and enjoy for a relationship. I’ve been there where I threw all these additional steps but in hindsight, I just wasn’t attracted to them but couldn’t admit it to myself at the time. You can’t fake chemistry and you’ll waste another 5 years of your life, living a lie.

Looking at your updates, OP, I think that a) you are absolutely 100 per cent normal in your wish to take things a bit slower in bed and b) the real issue here isn't your husband's ineptitude in the bedroom but his general attitude towards you. He's being incredibly dismissive of your needs and desires, and he's gaslighting you badly by implying that you are the one with the problem and that your preferences during sex are somehow unreasonable. You are not. They are not.

I accept that you don't want to leave him, but I think you need to understand that he is treating you very badly. It's pretty standard for there to be an imbalance between sex drives in a couple, or for couples to need to work on their sex life and have some conversations to steer each other in the right direction when something's not working. But what's not standard is the way your husband is unwilling to do anything differently, and snaps at you for expressing your needs. He's made you think you're the problem, and you are absolutely not.

When he says 'I want to please you and give you an orgasm' what he actually means is 'I want you to be pleased and get an orgasm from the things I want to do to you, and on my terms, and I will assume it is your fault if you don't.'

What he is doing is the equivalent of cooking you a meal made of all the ingredients he knows you really can't stand, and then claiming it's your fault when you don't enjoy eating it. Or buying you a present that he actually wants for himself and knows full well you are not interested in, and then storming out and blaming you when you're not overjoyed to receive it. He's not a very nice man.

I think she is right tbh, you only have to look at the type of porn many men watch to see a lot don’t like or care about women, some of it is so degrading and aggressive it certainly gives me the impression many hate us.

No not necessarily at all