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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My sex life is falling apart

116 replies

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 21:53

NC for obvious reasons.

My sex life is turning into somewhat a disaster. Been with DH nearly 10 years, so a long time.

We have had some issues sexually - to the point where he wants sex much more than me and therefore we try and have date night to make sure it happens.

The other issue is what happens when we have sex, so much so I've been listening to books etc to get help and found one really beneficial that explained how women need to take things slow to get into it.

Last few times we had sex we agreed to tell each other what we like and dislike so each time he tries rushing to it I tell him to slow down.

Today I did the same thing because within two minutes he was touching genitalia and it's WAY too soon for me. Is it weird I need much much more before any private parts yet touched?

He just stormed out and said he can't do this and I'm taking the piss with my instructions.

I don't know what to do. Please don't say split up - that's not the advice im looking for and don't think marriage should just be like that at the first sign of trouble.

I just don't know what to do

OP posts:

Aria2015 · 09/07/2023 22:28

I think it's totally normal to need time to ‘warm up’. For me, that's lots of kissing (proper kissing) and being stroked on my body (not my privates) and then move on from there. Your dh doesn't sound like he's paying much attention to what makes you tick, which is foolish because it would likely increase your appetite for sex if he did.

Original poster

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:29

@BunnyBettChetwynd I got him to read the books and somehow he twisted it to hear it one sided as me with the problem.

I have just reached tipping point. He has an ego issue and is also terrible at admitting wrongdoing generally

OP posts:

Original poster

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:30

@Aria2015 sorry to ask for specifics but approx how much touching of your body (not genetials ) do you need?

I really just need to see if it's me

OP posts:

StupidCupidKeepsOnCallinMe · 09/07/2023 22:31

@BadAdvice it's such a shame that you feel you'd get shot down for such sound advice. Any decent therapist would suggest what you have. Women should know how to pleasure themselves and enjoy doing so!

Rudderneck · 09/07/2023 22:31

My only thought is that sometimes telling someone what not to do is not that helpful. Eve, "more foreplay" may be too general. he may need some more specific information.

Screamingabdabz · 09/07/2023 22:32

BadAdvice · 09/07/2023 22:26

I know I may get shot down for suggesting this but I have a couple ideas that may help, based on own experience…

Work yourself up on your own in advance if you know sex is on the cards - whatever gets you going. It’s not spontaneous but after 10 years together - who gets spontaneous anyway…

Second, make sure you sort yourself out on your own regularly - the pressure to orgasm is off then, you satisfy his urge for a quickie, build the bond back, then take your time on the next one. It also helps to practice on your own, if you don’t use it, you loose it, and if you are not satisfied, you are irrational.

Equally that advice could be squarely directed at him.

Have a wank beforehand so you can pay more attention to your wife without the need for urgency.
Service your wife’s needs first and foremost - you can have a wank later if you need to.

Why do his needs take priority over hers in this?

BatheInTheLight · 09/07/2023 22:34

My wife always says it's about the emotional connection. To hang out in bed without the kids, laugh, hang out, have some passionate kisses, then I like to touch her all over, specifically avoiding her genitals until I can really feel that she wants me to touch her down there and then when I do, she's definitely warmed up for touching and then not to rush that either and not just 'stick it in'.

mildlydispeptic · 09/07/2023 22:34

You're absolutely not unusual OP. It's well documented that women work better with less immediately direct foreplay (hell: there's even a Friends episode that deals with it). I think a lot of women would want to start off with some neck action at least.

mrsm43s · 09/07/2023 22:34

In fairness we do kiss/cuddle before genital touching, but honestly not for an extended period. But before bed, there will probably have been gentle flirting etc, so it's not just jumping in there, we build up to it. I'd probably go off the boil a bit if I had to work to get DH in the mood. I'd find having to give someone extended back massages etc pretty tiresome tbh, and Id feel a little bit undesired if I had to work to make someone want to have sex with me..

xyz111 · 09/07/2023 22:36

Everyone is different. You mention cuddling beforehand. For me, that's what happens afterwards. Cuddling at the beginning wouldn't turn me on, we passionately kiss and yeah, there's touching pretty quickly 😂.
Maybe he sees it as though he's not good enough. Bashing his ego that he can't satisfy you without being told what to do. Maybe reflect on how you communicate what you want. Does it feel like instructions?
Have a chat about it not when you've scheduled date night in. Then there's less pressure. It's all give and take.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/07/2023 22:39

I’ve got semantic satiation from the amount I’ve just read the word ‘genitals’.

It’s not usual to require long hugs before getting ready for sex, no.

Xrays · 09/07/2023 22:39

What was your sex life like before this? Were you just putting up with him getting straight down to business and he thought you were enjoying it? If he doesn’t realise you weren’t happy before he’s probably a bit bewildered and wondering why suddenly there seems to be a lot of rules and instructions- I’m not saying you’re wrong by the way I’m just pointing out that maybe he just doesn’t understand why things have changed when in his mind things were fine before?

Aria2015 · 09/07/2023 22:40

I think generally we’d spend a good 10 minutes just kissing and me being stroked (dh is too ticklish to tolerate stroking!). We tend to only have a proper snog (nowadays anyway) when we're being intimate so I find the kissing a big part of getting me turned on.

JudgeRudy · 09/07/2023 22:40

Do you kiss? That generally gets me in the mood. I understand what you mean about getting into the mood. I'm like that with sex but most other things too. If I'm cooking dinner or ordering a takeaway I like to think scout what I might fancy, what side dishes etc, what's in the cake tin or about that half potnof cream I could use up.if I'm going out into town I like to think about what I might wear thst night, or think about who I might be meeting and what I need to ask/tell them. Anticipation is a big part of sexual arousal for me.
Maybe it would be helpful if you play a little mi d game with yourself where you are the sex goddess and your deciding how you would like your husband to serve you. The key is you'll start thinking about these things early on, so by the time you both cuddle up on the sofa you can then 'decide' that you're ready to be touched. Kiss him (make first move) then take it from there.

TooManyAnimals94 · 09/07/2023 22:41

Could you take some erotic fiction into the bath beforehand so you feel mentally in the mood? Or stick an audio version on when you both start foreplay?
It really doesn't matter how long you take compared to other people. The point is, you've told him what you need and he doesn't seem to have taken it on board.
Also, rather than instructions (which can be off putting), seduce and flirt with him to get what you want. "I want you to tease me" or "I love it when you kiss my neck" etc sounds more positive than SLOW DOWN.

RandomMess · 09/07/2023 22:44

I need kissing and caressing before getting down to business. I need to be relaxed or it just doesn't work.

Starseeking · 09/07/2023 22:47

I like lots of kissing and touching other parts of the body before getting into the genitalia part of sex. My EXDP knew this, but after about 2 or 3 years into our relationship, he stopped kissing me deeply and only ever gave me a quick peck. It was a massive turn-off for me, and although I mentioned it and he said he would make more effort with it, he didn't.

Quite frankly he just wanted to stick it in, get his rocks off and be done. Again, a huge turn-off for me, and I eventually stopped having sex with him about 6 months before leaving him because his methods repulsed me.

guineacup · 09/07/2023 22:48

Today I did the same thing because within two minutes he was touching genitalia and it's WAY too soon for me. Is it weird I need much much more before any private parts yet touched?

Whether others need less time is irrelevant... You need more than 2 minutes, so your DH should respect that. It's
hardly an unreasonable request - it's 2 minutes not an hour. If your DH genuinely can't control his urges for 2 minutes, he's a sex pest!

I'm really disappointed, sickened actually, by some of the posts on here that are making out that you are one with the problem, and that you should be the one who changes her behaviour just so your DH can get straight to business with virtually no foreplay, as though immediate, easy, intercourse when becoming intimate is some kind of male right.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 09/07/2023 22:49

Is he scared of losing his hard on if you take too long to get going? Just a thought..

Sirius3030 · 09/07/2023 22:49

LTB

LadyJ2023 · 09/07/2023 22:53

I dont need to wait lol I can fancy hubby all day then soon as kids go bed we are at it lol. Other times if there away it's longer and slower. Just depends what we feel like. But tbh your other half is very selfish if he isn't concerned about how you feel

Merryoldgoat · 09/07/2023 23:00

Everyone is different OP.

All that mucking around would just piss me off and I’d get bored but that doesn’t make you wrong. It does make you incompatible sexually though.

Why would you want to be with someone who has no care for your feelings?

GoldDuster · 09/07/2023 23:07

You've got answers telling you that zero foreplay is necessary, and others telling you to warm yourself up for hours so he can take a run at you and stick it in. It's irrelevant, because the only thing that matters is what works for you.

Hankunamatata · 09/07/2023 23:17

Keep your clothes on and start from there. Surely you could kiss and cuddle on the sofa then progress to undressing

theGooHasGone · 09/07/2023 23:20

It sounds like you're really just not that into him and you're trying to force it. Sex is supposed to be something fun that you both want! If it's very obvious that one person just isn't that interested and it feels like they're trying to put the brakes on the whole thing, it's going to be really frustrating for the other.

I honestly think your issue is bigger than just sex. It seems like he's pretty selfish and (perhaps because of that) you're not interested in him at all.

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