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Original poster

My sex life is falling apart

116 replies

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 21:53

NC for obvious reasons.

My sex life is turning into somewhat a disaster. Been with DH nearly 10 years, so a long time.

We have had some issues sexually - to the point where he wants sex much more than me and therefore we try and have date night to make sure it happens.

The other issue is what happens when we have sex, so much so I've been listening to books etc to get help and found one really beneficial that explained how women need to take things slow to get into it.

Last few times we had sex we agreed to tell each other what we like and dislike so each time he tries rushing to it I tell him to slow down.

Today I did the same thing because within two minutes he was touching genitalia and it's WAY too soon for me. Is it weird I need much much more before any private parts yet touched?

He just stormed out and said he can't do this and I'm taking the piss with my instructions.

I don't know what to do. Please don't say split up - that's not the advice im looking for and don't think marriage should just be like that at the first sign of trouble.

I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
Mumontherunn · 09/07/2023 23:23

I feel your pain OP. It does sound that you’re out of sync at the moment and TTC can put massive extra pressure on a couple. I really recommend sex therapy with Relate. We had a few sessions on Zoom about four years ago. Took a while to convince DH to go with it but was a huge reset for us and made sex fun again when we were TTC. Sex is off the cards at the beginning while you focus on touch and reconnecting and it was a massive game changer. It was the best investment.

ClementWeatherToday · 09/07/2023 23:29

I don't enjoy it and it makes me miserable

I feel I am being unreasonable and I just don't know what to do

These two sentences, especially one after the other, are very concerning. Is he aware that you're having sex that you don't enjoy, that makes you miserable? Because if he is, that's very very bad.

It sounds generally like he has no care whatsoever for your experience and is willing to bully and gaslight you to get what he wants (low effort sex with a quick orgasm for him, not a mutually pleasurable experience). This is not normal or OK. It's very common for women to need longer than men to warm up. Is he very influenced.by porn, does he think it's "real"? He sounds shit in bed and I'm concerned about the consent (or lack thereof) in your sexual interactions.

Hawkins0001 · 09/07/2023 23:41

All the best op, it seems you need more of the build up rather than the rodeo so to speak to get in the desire for the rodeo

UpaladderwatchingTV · 10/07/2023 00:13

You mentioned in your post that 'We have had some issues sexually', is it possible for you to explain to us what those problems were OP? Have you always had a lower sex drive than him? Has the sex between you ever been particularly good, or have you just put up with it, and over time have got so fed up with his selfishness, that deep down you really don't want to be bothered? Is the rest of your life together happy, as if not, that might well be the reason why it takes what HE considers to be a long time, for you to be ready for penetration? You will note that I said HE, this problem really IS NOT about YOU, it's about HIM and what he wants and demands. I know you said you don't want to split up, but he sounds an extremely selfish man, in as much as it's clear he is only interested in getting his end away as quickly as possible, and really doesn't give a shit about whether you enjoy it, or not. Is he as selfish as this in other parts of your relationship?

Also as you haven't fallen pregnant over what seems to be a long time trying, I do wonder whether there is something else in your life that isn't right, ie, do you suffer from stress, hate your job, have other problems? These are the sort of things that can stop you from relaxing enough to enjoy a 'quickie'. I know someone who tried for years to conceive, with no results, she was then made redundant from her job, and decided to take some time out before looking for a new one, within 6 months of losing her job, she was pregnant. When she analysed what had changed in her life, it became clear that she had become so used to be under constant stress from her job, that she simply couldn't relax, and her doctors said that her failing to become pregnant, could easily be attributed to this. She then went on to have 3 more kids! However, in your shoes, I wouldn't even consider TTC with this selfish man anymore, as it really doesn't sound like you are sexually compatible, and in the long term, that's like to cause the breakdown of the relationship, whether you want it to or not.

CallieQ · 10/07/2023 00:17

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:14

Can I ask before I address each post individually - does anyone else need to wait until genetalia is touched for a good while or that just me and am I weird?

He touches vague and nipples after about two minutes - I just can't warm up that quick but he makes out I'm odd

Surely touching nipples etc is part of the build up

Original poster
sextherapy · 10/07/2023 00:19

@UpaladderwatchingTV I have always had a lower sex drive except when we first met it was the other way around but I was early twenties then so much more sexual.

I don't think we are the most sexually compatible and it's never been the stand out part of our relationship but it was historically much better than it is now.

He swears he enjoys oral sex and foreplay bit when he uses his fingers he looks half asleep and it's a complete turn off. I tell him he looks bored he swears he is enjoying it.

He likes to give oral sex but then with that its always very hard and I like it softer. I tell him and he does die it softer but now I feel I can't tell him.

Arrr this just feels like such a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
sextherapy · 10/07/2023 00:20

Also, he does try with foreplay but it isn't always how I want it. I've read books that encourage instructions as people aren't mind readers but then other posters and him say that's not right? I feel like a can't win

OP posts:
Original poster
sextherapy · 10/07/2023 00:20

@CallieQ sorry he goes to sucking on them or did today. I know I'm being a bit graphic but that is a bit full on and my senses aren't ready for that straight away.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 10/07/2023 00:45

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:30

@Aria2015 sorry to ask for specifics but approx how much touching of your body (not genetials ) do you need?

I really just need to see if it's me

I really miss the Mumsnet “did you aye” emoji.

NotABeliever · 10/07/2023 03:17

I don't think you're weird at all.
Everything you describe I can relate to. The touching that's too soon. Being too rough. Not understanding what you mean.
I don't know what the answer is. I wasn't sexually compatible with my DH and sex was never a strong part of our relationship although in the beginning it was much better.
We had lots of sex therapy with a trained professional and what I took away from it was that there was nothing wrong with the way I am or he is. It can get better but takes time and good will on both sides. It doesn't sound like your DH is willing to put the effort in and that's the real issue here in my opinion.

Pesimistic · 10/07/2023 07:05

Maybe he has a fragile ego and think your saying he's shit in bed

3487642I · 10/07/2023 07:22

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:29

@BunnyBettChetwynd I got him to read the books and somehow he twisted it to hear it one sided as me with the problem.

I have just reached tipping point. He has an ego issue and is also terrible at admitting wrongdoing generally

Please take care not to conceive with this man.

You are describing behavioural problems in a person that are not conducive to a healthy relationship, and you have zero control over him changing these traits.

Tbh, these are the key traits of abusive men.

I know you don't want to hear this but with what you've described it is very unlikely to improve and being tied to a man like this with shared children will be a nightmare.

Sugaristheenemy · 10/07/2023 07:35

I have just reached tipping point. He has an ego issue and is also terrible at admitting wrongdoing generally

so he’s bad a sex and has an ego problem - what a great combination 😬

he needs to get over himself and start listening. how you get him to do that tho, not sure.

JonahAndTheSnail · 10/07/2023 07:38

I think generally speaking, men are more hard wired to get down to business quicker. With women, getting in the mood tends to be more tied into how we're being treated overall in the relationship. If you're being treated with respect and love, then it's easier to feel relaxed with your partner more quickly. You mentioned having date nights, but do you feel like they're viewed as a means to an end (having sex)? as I can imagine that would make you more tense.

loislovesstewie · 10/07/2023 07:56

Actually if he isn't affectionate to you generally, then I don't think you will ever have a satisfying sex life. Lots of women aren't happy to only be given affection when the man wants something i.e sex . They want to feel love/affection/respect before getting down to business. If he's not doing any of that , and looking bored when he should be doing his best to stimulate you then you aren't in the mood to enjoy it.

bumblebee2235 · 10/07/2023 08:00

Hmm for me I found I prefer it quicker, I get bored if it feels like a marathon. Do you orgasm? I found once I did it was fun for me too, if you don't get any pleasure out of it, it will just feel like a chore.

We use toys, makes it fun for both of us. He uses it too. Also spontaneous, like over the kitchen counter when baby naps.. but I do get fluffed up first, you know "ooh you look so hot, what I milf, I'm so lucky" haha if I didn't get flattered I would feel like a sex doll for him to sort himself out too when he wanted.

I do have more ideas, but can't really as we can only have quickies inbetween baby nap times 😅

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/07/2023 08:04

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:23

@mrsm43s there's little affection physically unless I initiate and then any more than a few seconds he's onto sex

I'm perplexed as to why you would seek to bring children into what sounds a really toxic situation. Good luck. Flowers

bumblebee2235 · 10/07/2023 08:05

Also in oral, or even during sex, I will grab them.. (oral grab their head/hair, sex grab their shoulder) they generally think I'm overwhelmed with passion 😂 but it means I can push them back a bit to slow them down, or adjust their position or push them forward to speed them up haha it's like steering a boat..

Original poster
sextherapy · 10/07/2023 08:29

bumblebee2235 · 10/07/2023 08:05

Also in oral, or even during sex, I will grab them.. (oral grab their head/hair, sex grab their shoulder) they generally think I'm overwhelmed with passion 😂 but it means I can push them back a bit to slow them down, or adjust their position or push them forward to speed them up haha it's like steering a boat..

😂

OP posts:
Original poster
sextherapy · 10/07/2023 08:31

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune your statement as well anyone else proclaiming to LTB is ridiculous.

No one is perfect and relationships are not perfect especially when we approach the 15 year point. Every relationship has challenges.

This is one issue out of a whole relationship so please stop with the silliness.

No wonder divorce rate is high how MN always seem to LTB and bail at sight of the first given problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
sextherapy · 10/07/2023 08:32

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I'm sure you probably mean well but it's just a bit dramatic! Sorry for ranting

OP posts:
GiveOverRover · 10/07/2023 10:25

We have had some issues sexually - to the point where he wants sex much more than me and therefore we try and have date night to make sure it happens.

This alone isn't going to help, it's just putting your shit sex in the diary, and nobody wants "have the shit sex" on their list of things to do. Have you asked him how he feels about your sexual relationship? Has he got any thoughts on it? Can you have a calm and open conversation about sex together?

You mention there is little affection physically, other than when you have sex, and you also say that you were never very compatible sexually, but it's got much worse in the past five years. How was it different in the first five years of your relationship? What's changed?

If you could list five things that you would like more of, to create good conditions for better sex what would they be?

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 10:34

sextherapy · 09/07/2023 22:17

He does say he wants me to orgasm and does say he likes foreplay but I just don't know what got him annoyed tonight.

He didn't want a quickie I just think he's fed up with me needing to take it so slow

Not touching your nippled or vulva/vagina within two minutes is not "slow".

Hrs selfish and impatient and has poor sexual skills.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 10:36

so he’s bad a sex and has an ego problem - what a great combination 😬

This.

JudgeAnderson · 10/07/2023 11:00

He sounds selfish and shit at sex.