My sex life is falling apart

[sextherapy]

NC for obvious reasons.

My sex life is turning into somewhat a disaster. Been with DH nearly 10 years, so a long time.

We have had some issues sexually - to the point where he wants sex much more than me and therefore we try and have date night to make sure it happens.

The other issue is what happens when we have sex, so much so I've been listening to books etc to get help and found one really beneficial that explained how women need to take things slow to get into it.

Last few times we had sex we agreed to tell each other what we like and dislike so each time he tries rushing to it I tell him to slow down.

Today I did the same thing because within two minutes he was touching genitalia and it's WAY too soon for me. Is it weird I need much much more before any private parts yet touched?

He just stormed out and said he can't do this and I'm taking the piss with my instructions.

I don't know what to do. Please don't say split up - that's not the advice im looking for and don't think marriage should just be like that at the first sign of trouble.

I just don't know what to do

It sounds a bit mechanical as PP said but you're absolutely within your rights to take things at your pace, but I wouldn't be putting a timer on it (at least 2 minutes) of certain things to get warmed up. Women need more warming up than men of course. But kissing / foreplay personally for me is the way to go, not avoiding the area for a certain amount of time.

Don't put too much pressure on it, he needs to respect your boundaries. There are ways to put boundaries in place without it being transactional and killing the mood.

But in answer to your question, no I don't need not to be touched for a few minutes at the genitals, we do that as part of the foreplay.

There's a lot of people who think spontaneous or 'quickie' sex is just for the blokes. This isn't always true.

DH and I had a quickie in the car the other day and it was so much fun.

I think scheduled, timed sex with specific rules can take the fun out of it. Especially if TTC.

Of course OP always have your boundaries but I can see you've asked a few times specifically how long someone needs to be touched, where they need to be touched. It's individual. Don't get your head into a rut about it. Just kiss each other and redirect his hands if you're not ready. If he ignores that he's an arsehole.

Transactional sex over and over is hard to get out of. Start again and go back to basics but don't overthink it all.

Even if your need for pre sex affection was unusual (which it's not) it would still be valid. Does he think your needs don't count if they are needs he doesn't believe in? Now that's weird.

There is no "normal" - everyone is different. It is about communication. You have explained to him how you feel and what you need and he ignores this; and appears not to care whether it is pleasurable for you. That is not a good situaiton.

You should not be in a [position where you are having to question your own needs. They are what they are.

Why the hell would anyone be upset by their partner telling them what THEY want from sex. I thought this was what every counsellor and sex expert recommends - to talk about and show your partner what you want?

I don’t think you’re unusual.

Dh has told me that he is turned in by having his bits touched, and me stroking or touching other places on his body is a bit meh - it’s ok but he just wants me to get back to the real thing.

And I love being touched anywhere else , until I reach a tipping point and I’m ready. But stroking my back or arms, or putting fingers through my hair is incredibly arousing.

Even though this was a fairly straightforward conversation to have, dh and I both forget occasionally and instinctively will try and initiate the wrong way. Sometimes I’ll touch his hair or back or arm and think I’m getting the brush off, when he just hasn’t picked up on the suggestion. Or he gets swatted away because he comes on too heavy.

But the thing is that when you have great sex with someone often, it takes less effort to get the mood going. Muscle memory and all that. Hormones can affect libido so that might be a factor to consider too.

What perplexes me is why your dh, who clearly has a problem with the situation, isn’t trying to fix it. Why isn’t he the one asking questions, reading books and looking for ideas? Why isn’t he listening?

It really isn’t hard to figure out what makes your partner tick if you want to. We live in an era where information is freely and readily available and there are no taboos to discussing these topics.

Is it weird I need much much more before any private parts yet touched?

No. What's weird is how pants he is at sex.

Even when told what it takes for you, he just isn't prepared to take any account of your desires. He doesn't have to learn how to do it properly but he really should be interested in making sure you are enjoying the process and having your own orgasms as part of your joint sex life.

Not to "prepare" yourself shudder to make up for his impatience with your needs and desires.

No wonder your sex life together is not working out. I don't say this lightly but life is both too short and simultaneously, too long, to put up with bad sex.

Good sex is not different to good anything else. It is about listening to what your partner wants and each doing what it takes for the other. This isn't something you can solve without his input.

This is not just one small part of an otherwise great relationship which isn't working out.

What you describe with him is selfish, absolutely not good sex. It will not be the only part of life in which he is selfish. Whatever else you do, do not have DC with a selfish partner.

It is not a woman's job to fix men.

Far, far better to let the ones that need fixing go, and let them find out what is required for a decent relationship. Hanging on and hoping you can find the trick to fix him is such a waste of your own, precious life.

I have thought about this and I think the real issue is if he doesn't see sense in something he will disregard it.

So the fact he thinks me not wanting gentians touched for a period is ridiculous - he is dismissive. And he is like this with other aspects of life too.

If he doesn't see sense in something he won't agree to it,

You said in your original post that splitting up is not an option because you don't think that is what one should do at the first sign of trouble, but I don't think a shitty sex life with a partner that thinks that your preference for how and when you are touched is ridiculous and is dismissive of your requests for five years plus, is the first sign of trouble at all.

If he doesn't see sense in something he won't agree to it

This isn't the makings of a good relationship, nor the sexual element of that relationship. He doesn't need to feel that your sexual preferences are "sensible" in order to want you to experience pleasure, and make your pleasure a priorty. A relationship without compromise, without the ability to respect and make room for the other party is a dictatorship.

I think the counselling you need is solo counselling to fathom why you value yourself so so low, that you don't want to split up with a selfish man who can't give a shiny shit about your wants.
What difference does it make which other women like what you like?!? You do and that's all that matters in your relationship.

This is ridiculous! Setting aside a date night doesn't even have to mean sex, let alone lazy selfish sex where only the man's pleasure counts.

You're not being unreasonable at all, OP. Lots of people need warming up to get in the mood. If he was canny he'd start much earlier in the day or evening, with warm words, being tactile, and then if he cared about your pleasure he'd engage in the sort of foreplay you need.

It's ultimatum time, because if he won't show you respect by caring for you sexually, there's no reason why you should feel coerced into bad sex.

It isn't one issue. He is putting his selfish traits on full display in this one issue. This selfishness will manifest in other ways throughout. He won't change. With the benefit of hindsight, I wouldn't touch a selfish man again with a barge pole. When you're run ragged with babies, which he will be helping fuck all with, he will be whinging about where his attention is.,

It's difficult to give repeated feedback and instructions on sexual technique without sounding like you're being critical. You're absolutely right to tell him what you want him to do but he's probably feeling a bit insecure and embarrassed that he's not getting it right.

Are you framing it in a positive way? "I really like it when you..." "If you do XYZ, I'll get so wet.." rather than "You're going too fast. I need you to slow down"..

I'd be inclined to have an honest conversation about your sex life when you're not in the bedroom. It's a two way street. How does he feel about your sex life? Is there anything he'd like to change or improve? What can you both do to make it a better experience for the other?

Op what do you want people to say. Your posts suggest he treats you like crap and has no intention of changing.

You, in no way, enjoy sex with him. He likes it on a different way to you. In all honesty, I couldn’t have sex with someone constantly giving my instruction and telling me ‘no not that way’. Or ‘right now you can touch me’. I would find odd and not at all enjoyable. Sex, after you have been together so long, should be natural. The way you describe it is like an awkward one night stand.

You should only be having sex you enjoy. And you don’t enjoy it. So while I think you are right to speak up, I have never had sex with someone where we are so incompatible everything is wrong with it.

You are the one that’s talking about your husband not giving affection, always thinking he is right, wouldn’t accept he could be wrong and won’t accept anything if he doesn’t see the sense in it. If it’s not for him he doesn’t care. This isn’t just to do with sex. This is part of your everyday life.

You are the one posting about a man that sounds awful. Suggesting you leave an awful man who gives no shits about how you feel, isn’t ridiculous.

And it’s utterly disgusting to say divorce rates are high because people just don’t try. Divorce rates are high which because women no longer have to put with an unhappy marriage. Claiming people divorce without trying is pretty disgusting and factually incorrect. What evidence do you ah e that people just don’t try hard enough? You are posting as though you are somehow superior because you are will to stay miserable. I suspect you are actually willing to stay because of the TTC. Leaving complicates that. That’s your choice and understandable after so long. But staying in an awful marriage, doesn’t make you better because you think your tried harder.

Pretending that divorce is high because people don’t try hard enough is a kick in the teeth to people who have tired their best or were on an abusive marriage or have been cheated on or treated like crap.

YANBU at all. He isn't focused on your pleasure. I mean, I love a quickie, but would still concentrate on my partner ... if I had one

@PowerBMI I think you've taken my post personally, I'm obvious not suggesting that's the case with ALL divorces but I do think modern society is less focused on sticking it out because other options are much more available than they were before internet etc

Take that as you will

there's little affection physically unless I initiate

Never mind the actual sex, this is what jumps out at me. So he doesn't give you a quick hug or pat at any other random time?
It sounds like it is just basic physical affection that you are missing.
If you are not getting affection, care, consideration, kindness, and attention all the other days, then 'date night' will never work.

Take a good long look at how he behaves out of the bedroom.

Listen to this and then get him to listen. It explains exactly what you're talking about.

open.spotify.com/episode/32rf33vKkSWVTQTQuPNZ1h?si=kb4985U9Sy6yG816yvdCPg

@hollyuilo I listened to it!! And he swears he did too, but somehow he heard that it's my problem mainly?!!

Brilliant post @PowerBMI

Op - why do you think, especially when there are no children involved, that people should 'stick out' marriages which aren't working? I would consider it a brilliant thing that we've moved on from being forced to stay together forever regardless of happiness.

Women need mental foreplay too- the more of this the quicker I'd be ready to be touched in intimate areas. Could you suggest

1. Having shower or massages together first
2. Setting a timer for its eg 15 mins of just kidding and cuddling.

Yanbu. Can you take the pressure off and say one night is for him to orgasm and another for you? Then hopefully you'll be more likely to meet in the middle again, so to speak

I like a lot of snogging and lots of eye contact before things go anywhere, certainly more than 2 minutes! This sounds like you've never been very sexually compatible to be honest and there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him what you like. Unfortunately he's not listening and so you have to tell him over and over and he doesn't like that. If he listened in the first place then you wouldn't have to keep instructing him.

I think you need to stand your ground here OP. If he can't do what you (very reasonably) need to get you in the mood then you can't do sex. It's simple.

Women need mental foreplay too- the more of this the quicker I'd be ready to be touched in intimate areas.

These generalisations really piss me off.

I get utterly bored with too much foreplay. I have several friends like me.

I know several men who like a lot of preamble.

Its about finding someone you are compatible with and caring enough to find a compromise that works for you both.

The reason I don't think that this will be a successful way forward, is that I have the impression he would be happy when it was 'his' turn and uncooperative when it's OP's turn.