Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if doing it alone is easier alone than more people like to admit?

116 replies

biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:10

I’m a mum to dd 4. My DH and I divorced when she was 20 months. He was a present and good dad to DD and so supportive of me. I do miss the family unit. However…

What surprised me was that parenting became ‘simpler’ for me when it was just me. Since the divorce I’ve been given the sad eyes a lot about how I’m coping alone as a single parent and I find it curious? Does anyone else find it easier?! I have a routine for DD that is never disturbed. The house can be messy but it’s all my mess so I still know where things are and nothing is ever moved. I don’t have to discuss what’s happening or what we are doing or factor another person in, so we just get on with it. We are never late to events or parties, we are organised and things run smoothly… much more so than when I had to share a house with exdh. Mealtimes are easy, nothing ever feels chaotic. I do miss exdh at times, in terms of discussing things about DD or just when i want an hour to myself, but day to day I definitely find life simpler to parent, even though he was very hands on. Is this just me? I was terrified of being single but motherhood really has been easier.

OP posts:
CadMan · 09/07/2023 20:11

Does he have no contact? A lot of what people find hard is the co-parenting and the child being raised in two homes with different expectations.

Original poster
biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:13

@CadMan he has contact but she doesn’t stay with him, it is a day out here and there.

I hadn’t considered that point to be fair. I guess that would make life hard.

OP posts:
NomDe · 09/07/2023 20:13

Don’t have kids so no personal experience but this has always been something I suspected wondered about single parenting!

Lottie13579 · 09/07/2023 20:17

I 100% agree. I too am a single partner and find life so much more simple and easy doing it alone. Their father is involved but doesnt interfere with day to day stuff and I love being captain of my own ship!! Sometimes the weight of responsibility weighs heavy when making decisions for the children but I wouldnt change it!

PickoftheMix · 09/07/2023 20:18

Oh yes! My home is very chilled and happy with just me and teenage dd. When I was married it always felt chaos and stressful. If I don't feel like a meal I can just give dd something and i eat cheese and wine something small, whereas when I was married I felt the pressure to have a full meal on the table every night. We do as we please without any nagging or resentments about what the other was doing.

Original poster
biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:18

@Lottie13579 yep that’s one thing I hate! I have had moments where I feel out of my depth and very alone but generally I find day to day a breeze. I find it so odd when people are ‘amazed’ at how I am coping… it doesn’t feel like coping, i’m enjoying life!

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 09/07/2023 20:19

I find it easier. We don’t really coparent. I make all decisions and keep on top of it, he sees them at weekend and pays maintenance. It’s pretty simple.

Original poster
biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:20

@PickoftheMix yes exactly this! They seem like small things don’t they but actually that’s an everyday occurrence. I have really enjoyed my time alone with dc, so much so that I am reluctant to meet anyone new.

OP posts:
CadMan · 09/07/2023 20:20

biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:13

@CadMan he has contact but she doesn’t stay with him, it is a day out here and there.

I hadn’t considered that point to be fair. I guess that would make life hard.

If your DD spent three nights a week with her father, his new girlfriend and her/their kids I suspect it’d be a different feeling.

It’s probably a lot easier to do it alone with a four year old than three teenagers too.

MaxwellCat · 09/07/2023 20:23

Not for me no but I have 4 kids and he doesn't see them at all. Havent had a night to myself in 6 years and I'm about to have a break down if I'm honest.

SpidersAreAmazing · 09/07/2023 20:23

I find parenting really hard in general but it’s easier since become king a single parent because similar to you I set the boundaries in my house and I’m in control of finances etc. I also get eow to myself whereas when I was with my ex I never got time to myself, I wasn’t able to go out without the kids ever but now I can as long as it’s on a ‘dad’ weekend! I guess it depends on what your ex was like if you find it easier or not though.

Original poster
biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:24

@MaxwellCat so sorry to hear this. Can you reach out to him at all? Or would a babysitter once a week be an option so you have a break? Hope you are ok.

OP posts:
StressedToDeathhhh · 09/07/2023 20:26

I find it much much easier as a single parent. I think I'd struggle more if I had to coparent but he takes them out for half a day each weekend, I use this time to clean furiously and then he sods off again. All decisions are mine, he pays maintenence and keeps his nose out. Works for me. I do have great family support but my younger two have never been away from me overnight so I don't get much break. But that's fine

WinniFinniHadog · 09/07/2023 20:28

I'm a young widow, so without some divine intervention or a ghost hanging about I am definitely doing it on my own 🤣 (apologies for my dark sense of humour)

However ...I find it easier 😳

Now, I adored and loved DH and yes we could communicate and meet each other half way on many things, compromise was definitely a positive thing in our relationship, but like many people it wasn't perfect. There was the odd argument or disagreement and we did have some minor different parenting styles. He was good cop, I was bad cop basically 😬

But ... Yeah now I've basically got full reign, my house is decorated how I want it decorated, I cook what I want for meals, holidays are where I want, everything happens around my scheduling, and yeah I'll admit it is easier.

Would I meet someone new, hell no. The fact I don't have to argue/tiff about dishes, laundry, money now and again is great. I couldn't imagine trying to slot another adult in now after 4ish years alone. I think it would be hell on earth. I do really enjoy being a loan parent 96% of the time, I think though I've become a bit selfish, if that makes sense, too selfish to compromise with another adult.

Original poster
biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:28

@StressedToDeathhhh yep I have never had a break but so far hasn’t bothered me. I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a night alone but to be honest even couples rarely have a night away from dc so I don’t feel I am missing much there!

OP posts:
MaxwellCat · 09/07/2023 20:29

biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:24

@MaxwellCat so sorry to hear this. Can you reach out to him at all? Or would a babysitter once a week be an option so you have a break? Hope you are ok.

He doesn't want to have them so no unfortunately not. Never had an overnight, never did a school run , never been to an appointment can't say I find it easier personally and no I don't have the money to pay for babysitters as no maintenance either. It would certainly be easier for me if he had them regularly and paid maintenance. But I guess it depends on circumstances as also no family help which I've noticed a lot of single parents have so their ex not being involved doesn't impact as much

Original poster
biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:30

@WinniFinniHadog sorry for your loss. How old is your dc? I totally get what you mean about becoming more selfish. I do feel lonely sometimes but it’s fleeting and generally I am so much happier and looking after dd is so much easier.

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 09/07/2023 20:30

this is kindly meant OP - but if he’s happy with no proper contact, no overnights, not actually parenting his child, then I can see it would be easier to not have to factor him in.

most divorced dads aren’t like your exH, they want to still be a parent, not an occasional fun uncle.

I can see it would have been a case of doing it all anyway even if he lived with you, so ir could be easier.

Crazyducklady · 09/07/2023 20:31

I’ve been on my own with my 2 boys for over 11yrs. They’re both autistic and are 15 and 12 now. No contact at all with ex (his choice).

Life is fabulous. We are broke but happy. There have been some incredibly challenging times but we’ve come through it stronger than ever. We’re a great team and I can’t imagine ever disturbing the status quo.

I hope one day they’ll be able to be independent, but until then, they know exactly how things go at home.

Original poster
biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:31

@MaxwellCat yeah family support is a big thing. I see mine maybe once a week and I agree it makes that small difference. I’ve never had a night apart from dc but I think it also depends how many you have. I’m sorry your ex is such a waste of space. Mine is too but at the moment he pays maintenance which is something. I assume your ex doesn’t work?

OP posts:
MaxwellCat · 09/07/2023 20:34

No he doesn't but he is renting out rooms in his flat, 3 bed flat renting out every single room to avoid maintenance its the reason why he won't have them overnight so no amount of talking to him will change that and he won't take them out because taking 4 kids out is "too expensive" 🙄 so he can't be bothered to see them. It is what it is but I still feel bitter and resentful 🥲

WinniFinniHadog · 09/07/2023 20:38

biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:30

@WinniFinniHadog sorry for your loss. How old is your dc? I totally get what you mean about becoming more selfish. I do feel lonely sometimes but it’s fleeting and generally I am so much happier and looking after dd is so much easier.

Ah thank you for the warm condolence.

DS is 9 now. We are a fun little unit, he hates school but other than that, we do enjoy our life together. I'm lucky also I have good family support, so I do get the odd respite like a night out with the girls.

The loneliness thing I think because I was going through grief, then came out the other side content and happy, I am lucky I haven't really experienced. But one thing I know is I wouldn't want another husband now anyways.

I know I'm on the countdown to some compromise again as he becomes a pre-teen and then a teenager, but on the whole I'm still mum and really any final/big decisions will mostly rest with me. Such as where we live, family income, how the house looks and keeping him alive medical/nutrition.

I think however for many single parents, it's the co-parenting that causes the issues. So I'd say emotionally and organisational wise it's easier actually to be a loan parent than a single parent.

I have friends who have some truly difficult people as the other parent, and that stresses them out far more than the day to day humdrum of life if that makes sense?

Yeahyeahno · 09/07/2023 20:44

So much easier. I love single parenting so much more. But then I do have a decent co-parent too

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/07/2023 20:46

biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:10

I’m a mum to dd 4. My DH and I divorced when she was 20 months. He was a present and good dad to DD and so supportive of me. I do miss the family unit. However…

What surprised me was that parenting became ‘simpler’ for me when it was just me. Since the divorce I’ve been given the sad eyes a lot about how I’m coping alone as a single parent and I find it curious? Does anyone else find it easier?! I have a routine for DD that is never disturbed. The house can be messy but it’s all my mess so I still know where things are and nothing is ever moved. I don’t have to discuss what’s happening or what we are doing or factor another person in, so we just get on with it. We are never late to events or parties, we are organised and things run smoothly… much more so than when I had to share a house with exdh. Mealtimes are easy, nothing ever feels chaotic. I do miss exdh at times, in terms of discussing things about DD or just when i want an hour to myself, but day to day I definitely find life simpler to parent, even though he was very hands on. Is this just me? I was terrified of being single but motherhood really has been easier.

I like reading this it helps me to feel more positive about my situation with a baby at the moment

EarringsandLipstick · 09/07/2023 20:46

Well, yes & no.

Firstly OP, having one DC is easier than multiple - I've 3.

Secondly, my life is easier without my abusive ex, yes. However, he now has no contact with the DC & that means everything falls on me: emotionally and practically.

When they were very small it was the physical juggling eg one needing the toilet while another was in the bath or having a nappy change.

Now they are teens & preteens it's the juggling, the clashing matches & training. We do something every single night of the week & most days Sat & Sun. Sport is their thing, so I do everything I can to support them.

I'm absolutely exhausted all the time. I work f/t, and I'm glad I do, as there's actually a mental & physical respite with that!

But the worst part is the loneliness around parenting. I've no-one to share the load with about worries, big decisions, DC upset and so on.

I've no family support, know loads of people but few true friends I can open up to. Actually there's no one, bar my counsellor, I can talk to.

So while it's way easier without him - I'll never get over having to do it alone to this extent. I love my kids, we do ok, but it's stressful nearly all the time.