Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if doing it alone is easier alone than more people like to admit?

116 replies

biancsa · 09/07/2023 20:10

I’m a mum to dd 4. My DH and I divorced when she was 20 months. He was a present and good dad to DD and so supportive of me. I do miss the family unit. However…

What surprised me was that parenting became ‘simpler’ for me when it was just me. Since the divorce I’ve been given the sad eyes a lot about how I’m coping alone as a single parent and I find it curious? Does anyone else find it easier?! I have a routine for DD that is never disturbed. The house can be messy but it’s all my mess so I still know where things are and nothing is ever moved. I don’t have to discuss what’s happening or what we are doing or factor another person in, so we just get on with it. We are never late to events or parties, we are organised and things run smoothly… much more so than when I had to share a house with exdh. Mealtimes are easy, nothing ever feels chaotic. I do miss exdh at times, in terms of discussing things about DD or just when i want an hour to myself, but day to day I definitely find life simpler to parent, even though he was very hands on. Is this just me? I was terrified of being single but motherhood really has been easier.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/07/2023 20:49

I do miss having the romance and love that comes with a partner, someone to gossip about my day with, and the physical affection side of things a lot. I have a baby so not right for me to date yet but I don't feel that optimistic as it was hard enough finding a boyfriend when I was single!! Focusing on trying to be content with just myself for now x

Orban · 09/07/2023 20:51

Glad it's working for you OP. Different people find different things difficult. If there's no one else around at all logistically it can be tough covering every eventuality, school holiday etc. If there's another parent around that can be tricky wrt boundaries, blended families and so on. Also things change as you and your children move through life. Sounds like you're in a good place right now. Hope it continues for you.

CatsSnore · 09/07/2023 21:03

Yes OP!!

The only thing my dc missed out on was financial. I sacrificed a lot when they were younger until I started earning more. Now they're at the age of their friends parents buying their dc cars, driving lessons etc etc. My dc won't get that. I won't be able to give them house deposits and make their adult life financially easier.

Emotionally my dc has fared the teenager years a lot better than a lot of their peers navigating difficult home lives, split parental households etc. I hear a lot about what their friends deal with and mine haven't.

Was shit for a while when I married someone and we tried to blend. That did not work!

MintJulia · 09/07/2023 21:10

I've been a single mum for the last 13 years. It is infinitely easier than parenting with my ex.

I can make decisions immediately, I know what my ds needs, his sizes, likes etc.

If I sent ex to get school uniform for ds, it would all be the wrong size and need to be sent back. If he did the food shopping it would never be enough for a week or make whole meals. Ex was easily distracted, would forget to remind ds to do his homework.

Ex even once arranged a holiday for Sept 10th forgetting ds goes back to school on 5th.

Being a lone parent, I can get everything done - and know it's done properly without all that faffing and procrastination.

TrexTeeth · 09/07/2023 21:36

Honestly my ex does 2 weekday nights and about 1 in 5 weekends. It's more hassle now he's involved more lol.

mondaytosunday · 09/07/2023 21:39

I can see how it would be easier than within a failing relationship. So yes, it CAN be easier. But for some, not all.

BigFatLiar · 09/07/2023 21:43

Just depends on your relationship.

CatsSnore · 09/07/2023 21:48

I don't think it's easier just because some men are shit. I think it's easier as it's not another person to consider, another persons opinions 😳 another persons mess and another persons friends and family. Even in the healthiest and happiest of relationship there's compromise, you have to discuss things, you can't just pick the dc up and go round your friends for tea on the spur of the moment.

My dds friend has a dad who won't allow any noise after 9. The friend has to be in the house or out by 9pm. He doesn't go to sleep, but to bed and has that rule. I don't have to deal with anyones stupid rules and neither do my dc!

Lira715 · 09/07/2023 21:49

Personally I’m with you, I left my EXH when DD was 8m and life was so much easier, I’m now with a new partner and sometimes miss how easy it was when it was just me and DD … only time I can think of when it was a struggle ( and I had my DD full time as EXH lived abroad ) was when I was ill and despite needing to rest you just can’t.

mumyes · 09/07/2023 21:51

Yes I find it much easier as my XH was like having a second, difficult chikd. So it was a relief when he went.

HOWEVER...financially I find things stressful, and I worry about retirement & not having enough money in old age. Plus I worry about XH new partner..,

Plus I get very lonely. I am no one's priority, and that can be acutely painful sometimes.

BungleandGeorge · 09/07/2023 21:54

Happier and more enjoyable? Yes
easier? No

tbh in the absence of additional needs a single 4 year old is fairly easy to look after. And it sounds like the ex isn’t making things difficult at the moment

mrsneate · 09/07/2023 21:55

I found it easier doing it alone. I have 3 dc. Though one an adult now and moved out.

I think it is easier. However, I've now met my DP. And he makes it easier again, I think if you're with the right person the compliment your life. Not complicate it :)

Caroparo52 · 09/07/2023 22:01

I love being a single parent. Total control over home, meals, holidays, schooling etc
No arguments or compromising.
Sheer bliss.
Once you get control of the reins there's no letting go

jackstini · 09/07/2023 22:44

Everything is easier when you taken an extra person's needs out of the equation!

(Unless that person was doing LOADS / which is doubtful if they are going...)

threecupsofteaminimum · 10/07/2023 00:16

YANBU Wink

BorderlineCool · 10/07/2023 00:58

I was a complete lone parent to my first child who also has ADHD. And I didn't mind it at all! I was also quite young at 23. I just got on with it. I met my partner when she was ten.

I have a second child now with him and whilst we get along well and I love my wee family, there's a lot I miss about doing it on my own believe it or not!

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/07/2023 01:44

No. Worst thing ever.

Try being a lone parent 365 days a year of dc with additional needs and no family. It's relentless. Quite sure it's knocked a fair few years off my own life expectancy.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 10/07/2023 02:12

Single parenting is much easier than having a useless partner around, that's for sure.

With less money, I am actually able to budget better and afford more. With more activities I manage the juggling easier because I don't ever have the false hope that someone else will help and then bring let down.

I get no maintenance, DSs talk to their dad but he lives in another country so don't see him. So it is ALL on me, but it always was all on me even when we were together. Now I can just ignore him and get on with it, which is what makes it easier.

I moved closer to my family though, and now have their emotional support which is huge. Things like helping with food prep for a birthday party etc, so nice to have that support.

thisisasurvivor · 10/07/2023 05:14

Yes it did for me

As I was away from abuse

Safe in my own house

And knew my child was safe too as he didn't know where we were

Honestly getting out was weirdly one of the best days of my life

Not always plane sailing though

Also so people in my community look down on us as I'm a single parent
This makes me laugh 😂

THisbackwithavengeance · 10/07/2023 05:21

I don't disagree.

But you don't mention if you work at all?

Being a single parent to one child on benefits and decent maintenance, having your rent and bills covered so can spend all day looking after child and nothing else = very easy.

Working full time with no or limited financial support from a third party albeit it DWP or DH and having to juggle childcare especially with multiple kids = very difficult

Lioney · 10/07/2023 05:46

I imagine with only 1 small dc it would be ok being a SP.

But I have 6 dc, only 4 at home now. Various additional needs.

No support or help.

Exdp doesn't see the dc regularly (his choice).
Never had them all by himself or overnight.
Never paid maintenance.

Yes my household is more organised, tidy & better run.

But in all honesty, the responsibility of doing everything, every day for years on end is utterly exhausting.
Financially I'm f*ed.

Passwordsarestressful · 10/07/2023 05:56

I'm curious about a few things.
Do you get to go out a s spend time with just other adults ever?
Why does he take his child on day trips and nothing else? Is this the plan longer term? This behaviour doesn't match the man you described in OP really.
I would have been able to manage my DC solo at 4. I would've been destroyed doing it all alone by the time they were 8 and 10.

Simpsonsclouds · 10/07/2023 05:58

I guess it depends how many kids you have. I have 5. Teens now. Their father was an actively involved father when we were married and were a family unit .
Now, he never sees them. So it's just then and me.
I do not find it easier. Also financially it's extremely hard and not easier.
I can see however having a 4yr old would be. You know where they are and they go to bed.😁

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/07/2023 06:03

Not easier for me. I have done weeks alone when the kids were little and he worked away which were just fine, but now I'm completely on my own (widow) I find when the teenage years were tricky, it was very hard to parent on my own, even just logistically if one teen goes out, crisis occurs, needs picking up. We had a lot of typical teenage troubles and that has been very hard emotionally to deal with and require a huge amount of emotional investment and time, and doing all that and working full-time and running a household is very tiring.

Original poster
biancsa · 10/07/2023 07:52

@Passwordsarestressful your post has scared me a bit! I thought by 8 it would be easier? Why do you say that?

He doesn’t work locally so pays maintenance and sees dc ad hoc. I hate that but he won’t move on it.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread