to wonder if doing it alone is easier alone than more people like to admit?

[biancsa]

I’m a mum to dd 4. My DH and I divorced when she was 20 months. He was a present and good dad to DD and so supportive of me. I do miss the family unit. However…

What surprised me was that parenting became ‘simpler’ for me when it was just me. Since the divorce I’ve been given the sad eyes a lot about how I’m coping alone as a single parent and I find it curious? Does anyone else find it easier?! I have a routine for DD that is never disturbed. The house can be messy but it’s all my mess so I still know where things are and nothing is ever moved. I don’t have to discuss what’s happening or what we are doing or factor another person in, so we just get on with it. We are never late to events or parties, we are organised and things run smoothly… much more so than when I had to share a house with exdh. Mealtimes are easy, nothing ever feels chaotic. I do miss exdh at times, in terms of discussing things about DD or just when i want an hour to myself, but day to day I definitely find life simpler to parent, even though he was very hands on. Is this just me? I was terrified of being single but motherhood really has been easier.

There’s a lot of “ifs, buts and maybes” to consider.
Is other parent around at all? Can you co-parent with them? Do you work? Do you have support with childcare? How many children do you have? Do you own your home? Are you financially stable?

But yes, being a sole parent can be easier in some respects and circumstances.

Yes it was easier after dh died but that was 80% because he was so ill before he died. Having the illness out of my life and away from ds was so incredible I'm still sometimes not over it.

The illness meant I did most stuff anyway and earned all the money. Because dh felt so guilty he didn't do much, I had to pretend I really enjoyed housework and/or do it in secret or when he was asleep. But because he was at home all the time he set the routines which I had to follow. It was awesome letting go of some of that.

The other 20% was because he and ds were just starting to do that teenage boy/dad clashing of antlers, which I found ludicrous and infuriating. I am so grateful to have gone through the teens just the two of us. Ds may turn round in the future and tell me it was all shit of course.

Yeah it's easier without living with an arsehole. I don't think it's easier than having a loving and supportive partner. Just practically, I'd love to not do all the driving and transporting of DC, I'd love to not be alone in the night when DC are ill, I'd love it if there was someone else to help with discipline, even just "no, she's right, kicking faces is wrong."

I certainly can't understand the complaining from some non-single mums (nanny and cleaner and dad doing 6/10 school runs and all clubs - she 'feels like a single mum sometimes' )

Ive been a single parent for 10 years. The ex went to live abroad.

I’ve been reminded recently what a tit he is as DS wants to go to Uni and the ex asked him which uni I was leaning towards so he could actively campaign for the other. Twat.

So yes parenting without that nonsense is much easier.

but the burden of responsibility for all the financial and emotional needs without support is immense. If I get a decision wrong it’s on me and me alone.

I do not have any family support either really have had to go it alone. Having family support makes a huge difference not a small one, I’ve had to find my sense of “family” through my work and hobbies. There’s no one else to pick up/drop off kids (I have to beg favours from friends and you cant do that all the time) or help when I’m sick.

I do not regret divorcing ex but single parenting is hard, even if I have sole control of the remote.

Sister wives is what we need. To share the load and help raise the kids.

Exactly, number of children, financial well-being & family support are key here. For many of us these are challenging, and even tho it's better without the ex, it doesn't mean it's easy.

but the burden of responsibility for all the financial and emotional needs without support is immense. If I get a decision wrong it’s on me and me alone.

Very much this. It weighs heavily on me - and I have felt like I've got it wrong, for sure.

There are also conversations that can really only be had with a spouse, other people won't be interested, won't get the significance.

I could have written this word for word. Much as I wouldn’t have chosen the situation I’m in I really enjoy being a lone parent

Those mentioning the burden of the overall responsibility, yep, that part is awful if you’re having a low confidence moment etc. I also feel sad when I’m unwell and having to look after ds. That’s very hard. I suppose I didn’t have long with ex to develop a reliance on him with ds so perhaps it’s a case of not missing what I don’t know. Which is actually pretty sad now I think about it!

I agree @biancsa it's sad that's the case but yes, you'd limited time to get used to having someone!

I am not trying to frighten you at all but I would say it was much easier when my DC were small. Busy of course. But I could manage ... everything! I made all the decisions, there were no major life choices needed ... at 16, 14 & nearly 12 there is always some angst, big sporting event, school pressure & I'm drained.

It may not be the same for you as everyone is different & each child's needs are different.

@EarringsandLipstick thanks, that’s nice to hear!!! 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

I always found being a single parent easier too.

By the time I'd had my 4th kid I was no longer with the dad of the 3 kids I already had as he was abusive and used to physically assault me and mentally abuse me so I had moved on and got with my 4th kids dad wheni told him I was pregnant however he left so I was 4/5 months pregnant with my 4th and the other 3's dad was none existent just constantly making excuses so I was on my own and I was struggling but then I met my current partner when I was 9 months pregnant and 10 years later we are still together. My point is if you are with the right person who is more of a help than a hindrance to you then that can be the difference between u finding it hard or finding it easy. The right partner/husband will be involved and help you, its the selfish ones that make parenting more difficult for you and the men that don't deserve to have a loving family coz they only bother when it suits them.

Also if he was never about for the kids during your relationship/marriage and was generally a shit dad then, what makes u think he'd be any different as a parent once u split up? I knew as soon as I escaped I would not have any help from him as he was never around when we was together and married and would always make excuses as to why he couldn't do stuff as a family. After escaping I was prepared for him to be just the same about the kids and he actually said to me when I asked him why he didn't give a shit about his kids his response was "well its easier to pretend they don't exist so in my mind they are dead." That was when I knew I had made the right decision. Funny thing is he moved on and now has another kid who is 6/7 years old and he plays dad of the year with him does everything for him. My kids never had a chance luckily they had and have me I could never do that to my kids.

Being a single parent is easier than being with a partner who makes life harder.
I found six month old twins solo much easier than before ex left.

DH makes life easier so it would be harder to be a single parent now.

It entirely depends on who you are living with imo

If the ex was a good Dad before you split up so how come he hardly sees his daughter now? It's sad.

@Jk987 genuinely no idea. I’ve said he can be as involved as he wants.

Yeah I agree, I've raised my dd on my own with zero input from her dad.

It is hard though when someone is ill, either you or your child. It's also hard financially, not having a joint income.

Apart from those two issues I think life is simpler.

I hated it. I hated having all the financial responsibility. I hated having no male role model for my teenage son. I hated having to take him absolutely everywhere because there was nobody to leave him with. It was a miserable few years.

Of course being alone is better and easier than fighting with another adult constantly.

My own partner makes my life a hell of a lot easier. I wouldn't stay with someone if I was in some kind of abusive relationship, where you are not allowed to go out, meet friends, make the diner you want when you want, go on holiday when and where I want, watch the tv I like. That's not a life.

I don't like traveling alone, I like having another adult bringing me a bottle of wine when I forgot to get one for the evening, I like having someone to stay with the kids so I can have a life. Plus we get on well, and when I can't be bothered, he takes over - and vice versa.

Depends on your situation. Probably easier with one child with no additional difficulties, and you having no additional difficulties of your own and an established friendship group.

it’s always context specific, isn’t it?

I found being a single parent so so much easier and more enjoyable. My daughters were a joy and we had so much fun. Days out... holidays.. walks.. swimming..
Just those two to think about.

My eldest has now found herself a single parent to 3 teenage boys and agrees it's so much easier and relaxed .
We are all very close with plenty of family and friends.
I hated being married / living with a partner.. l like to do what l want and when l want. Stress free.

l like to do what l want and when l want. Stress free.

I am always puzzled why having a partner would stop this. It's the opposite for me!

Great point!

I agree. I don't worry about what someone else is and isn't doing and crack on with it myself. More tiring but overall more enjoyable and easier for me. However, if I had the perfect partner I may disagree